For help controlling your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever wondered why your anger seems to take over before you even realise what’s happening? The truth is, there is a brief moment when you still have a choice – and what you do in that moment can change everything.
In this episode, I share three simple strategies you can use before anger takes over. You’ll learn how to recognise your body’s early warning signs, ask one powerful question that interrupts angry reactions and shift your focus in a way that can transform your conversations and your relationships.
You’ll discover:
- How to recognise the physical warning signs that anger is building.
- The one question that helps stop anger before it escalates.
- Why curiosity is more powerful than defensiveness during conflict.
- How these simple habits can strengthen your marriage, improve family relationships, and help you stay calm under pressure.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “How did I lose my temper again?” this episode will give you practical tools to interrupt the anger cycle before it turns into another argument.
The Anger Management Podcast helps men and women gain control of destructive anger, improve emotional regulation, strengthen relationships, and create calmer, happier lives. Hosted by Alastair Duhs, creator of The Complete Anger Management System.
Transcript
He couldn't stop himself from shouting.
Speaker A:He couldn't understand how a conversation about something as ordinary as who was making dinner had turned into this.
Speaker A:His wife going quiet, his kids going quiet, and him standing there thinking, how did that just happen?
Speaker A:And he couldn't control his anger, no matter how many times he promised himself it would be different.
Speaker A:But then I showed him something he'd never considered before.
Speaker A:That there is a split second just before anger fully takes over, where everything can go differently.
Speaker A:And once he learned what to do in that moment, his wife noticed the change within weeks.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alastair Dues, and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com youm can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:With that said, let's talk about three things you can do in the moment before your anger takes over.
Speaker A:The first thing to do in that split second is learn to recognize your early warning signs of anger.
Speaker A:Most people think anger arrives out of nowhere.
Speaker A:One moment, calm the next, explosion.
Speaker A:But that's not actually what's happening.
Speaker A:Anger always gives you a warning.
Speaker A:The problem is, most of us have never been taught to notice it.
Speaker A:I once worked with a man, let's call him James.
Speaker A:He came to me because his wife had told him she couldn't keep living like this.
Speaker A:The arguments were getting worse.
Speaker A:The kids were starting to notice, and James genuinely couldn't understand why he kept losing it.
Speaker A:He felt like a good man who just had a terrible temper.
Speaker A:When we started working together, one of the first things I did was ask him to describe what happened in his body right before he got angry.
Speaker A:He had to think about it for a while.
Speaker A:Nobody had ever asked him that before.
Speaker A:Eventually he described it.
Speaker A:A tightening in his jaw, his shoulders creeping up toward his ears, A kind of heat in his chest.
Speaker A:These things were happening every single time.
Speaker A:He just hadn't been paying attention to them.
Speaker A:That's what I mean by early warning signs of anger.
Speaker A:Your body knows you're getting angry before your mind does.
Speaker A:Your jaw tightens, your breathing gets shallow, your chest tightens up.
Speaker A:For some people, it's a flush of heat in the face.
Speaker A:For others, it's a sudden urge to go quiet.
Speaker A:Whatever your early warning signs are, the moment you learn to notice them is the Moment you stop being a passenger in your own anger.
Speaker A:Think of it like a smoke alarm.
Speaker A:The alarm goes off before the house is on fire.
Speaker A:You want to catch it then, not after the damage is done.
Speaker A:James learned to catch his warning signs early, and it genuinely transformed how he showed up in his marriage.
Speaker A:His wife noticed within weeks.
Speaker A:That's the power of something this simple.
Speaker A:So this week, just start paying attention.
Speaker A:The next time you feel frustration beginning to build, pause and ask, what's happening in my body right now?
Speaker A:You're training yourself to catch the smoke before there's a fire.
Speaker A:The second thing to do in that split second is, and this one might surprise you, is to ask yourself a single will my anger actually help here?
Speaker A:It sounds almost too simple, but for a lot of people, this question is a genuine game changer.
Speaker A:Here's in the moment, anger always feels justified.
Speaker A:Someone says the wrong thing or does something that bothers you, and your brain immediately builds a case they're being unfair, they're not listening.
Speaker A:Of course you're angry.
Speaker A:The anger feels logical, even righteous.
Speaker A:But here's the anger never improves the situation, not once, not ever.
Speaker A:It doesn't make your partner listen better.
Speaker A:It doesn't resolve the disagreement.
Speaker A:It doesn't get your kids to behave.
Speaker A:What it does do is create distance, damage trust, and leave everyone, including you, feeling worse afterward.
Speaker A:I had a client, a mother actually, who came to me because she kept losing her temper with her teenage daughter.
Speaker A:Every conversation about homework, about going out, about basically anything was turning into a shouting match.
Speaker A:She felt terrible about it.
Speaker A:Her daughter was pulling away from her and she could feel the relationship fraying.
Speaker A:I introduced her to this question, will my anger help here?
Speaker A:The next time she felt herself starting to rise, that familiar tightening in her chest, she paused and asked it.
Speaker A:The answer, as she told me afterward, was obviously no.
Speaker A:And that obvious no gave her just enough space to take a breath and respond differently.
Speaker A:That's all you need.
Speaker A:Not a 10 step process, just enough space to choose.
Speaker A:Asking, will my anger help here?
Speaker A:Forces you to step outside the moment, even for a second.
Speaker A:It interrupts the automatic reaction and creates a tiny gap.
Speaker A:And in that gap is where you get to decide who.
Speaker A:Who you want to be in your marriage, with your kids, in your family.
Speaker A:The third thing to do in that split second is ask yourself what might be going on for the other person.
Speaker A:This one is about shifting your perspective.
Speaker A:And it's often the piece that makes the biggest difference in the long run.
Speaker A:Here's what I see again and again, when someone we love says Something that triggers us.
Speaker A:A critical comment, a dismissive tone, a short answer.
Speaker A:When we expected warmth, our brain immediately makes it about us.
Speaker A:They're attacking me.
Speaker A:They don't respect me.
Speaker A:They're doing this on purpose.
Speaker A:But most of the time that's not what's happening at all.
Speaker A:Let me go back to James.
Speaker A:One of his biggest breakthroughs came when he started asking himself what was going on for his wife.
Speaker A:During their arguments, she'd often come home from work and seem distant or short with him before he'd take it personally and react.
Speaker A:After we worked on this, he started to wonder, what's she carrying right now?
Speaker A:What kind of day did she have?
Speaker A:He started asking her, making her a cup of tea, giving her space to decompress before launching into anything heavy.
Speaker A:Small things.
Speaker A:But his wife told me later that it felt like a completely different marriage.
Speaker A:Not because the big things had changed, but because James had stopped assuming the worst and started leading with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
Speaker A:When someone we love is being difficult, the most likely explanation isn't that they're trying to hurt us.
Speaker A:It's that they're struggling with something.
Speaker A:Stress, exhaustion, their own fears, their own bad day.
Speaker A:This doesn't mean you have no limits.
Speaker A:What it means is that when you approach someone with curiosity instead of anger, when you try to understand what's going on for them, rather than immediately reacting, you create the conditions for a real conversation instead of another blow up.
Speaker A:And that's what saves marriages.
Speaker A:That's what keeps families together.
Speaker A:Not grand gestures, but that small shift in the split second from reaction to understanding.
Speaker A:So there you have it.
Speaker A:Three things to do in that split second before your anger takes over.
Speaker A:One, learn your early warning signs.
Speaker A:Your body always tells you anger is coming.
Speaker A:Start listening to it.
Speaker A:Two, ask yourself, will my anger help here?
Speaker A:It never does.
Speaker A:And knowing that gives you the space to choose differently.
Speaker A:Three, ask what might be going on for the other person.
Speaker A:Curiosity is the antidote to defensiveness.
Speaker A:None of these are complicated, but practiced consistently, they can change the entire dynamic of your closest relationships.
Speaker A:Your marriage, your relationship with your kids, the whole tone of your home.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to go deeper, to really get to the root of why your anger keeps showing up and how to stop it for good, head over to angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute call with me.
Speaker A:We'll talk about what's going on for you specifically and figure out the best path forward.
Speaker A:You can also grab my free training there.
Speaker A:It walks you through my top three secrets to controlling anger in any situation.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
