For help controlling your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why can’t I control my anger?” you’re not alone. Most people believe anger simply happens to them. In this episode, Alastair explains why that belief keeps people stuck, and where real control actually begins.
Many people think anger is something that takes over without warning. It feels automatic. One minute you’re calm, the next you’re shouting at your partner, snapping at your children, or saying something you’ll regret. But the truth is more hopeful than that.
In this episode, you’ll discover why anger only feels uncontrollable when you miss the early warning signs. Alastair explains how physical sensations, emotional reactions, and automatic thoughts all act as anger triggers long before an explosion occurs. Once you learn to recognise those signals, you create the space to make a different choice.
You’ll also discover why lasting anger management isn’t just about breathing techniques or willpower. Real change happens when you begin examining the beliefs that shape the way you interpret situations. By recognising your anger triggers, understanding your automatic thoughts, and challenging the beliefs underneath them, you can respond with intention instead of reacting on impulse.
Whether you’re trying to stop damaging your relationship, become a calmer parent, or finally gain control over your anger, this episode shows you where genuine choice begins.
The Anger Secrets Podcast helps men and women master anger management, understand anger triggers, improve emotional regulation, build healthier relationships, and create calmer, happier families.
Hosted by anger specialist Alastair Duhs, creator of The Complete Anger Management System.
Transcript
You've lost your temper again.
Speaker A:Maybe it was at your partner, perhaps something they said that hit the wrong nerve.
Speaker A:Or maybe it was with your kids who were pushing one button too many at the end of a long day.
Speaker A:In that moment, it didn't feel like you had a choice.
Speaker A:It felt like anger just happened, like something took over.
Speaker A:But afterwards, you felt that familiar feeling, the regret, the replaying it in your head, wondering why you keep doing this when you genuinely don't want to.
Speaker A:If you can relate to this, here's a question that most people with an anger problem ask themselves at some point.
Speaker A:Can I actually choose to not get angry?
Speaker A:Or is anger just something that happens to me?
Speaker A:Today, I want to give you an answer to that question.
Speaker A:Because most people get this wrong.
Speaker A:And getting it wrong is exactly what keeps them stuck.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alistair Dwes, and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:Now, as mentioned today, we're answering one of the most important questions in anger management.
Speaker A:Is anger actually a choice?
Speaker A:Now, the answer to this question might surprise you, but once you understand it, you'll have a completely different way of thinking about your anger and a much clearer path to changing it.
Speaker A:Having said that, let's start with a common statement I hear from people who come to me for help with anger.
Speaker A:They often tell me, I can't control my anger.
Speaker A:It just happens.
Speaker A:And I get why they believe that.
Speaker A:Because from the inside, that's exactly what it feels like.
Speaker A:One moment you're calm, the next, something's been said, a door's been slammed, and your partner is looking at you the way they do, and you genuinely can't explain the gap in between.
Speaker A:So is that true?
Speaker A:Is anger beyond your control?
Speaker A:The honest answer?
Speaker A:It depends, because here's the crucial part most people miss.
Speaker A:Anger is only a choice if you're aware it's happening.
Speaker A:Let me say that again because it's very important.
Speaker A:Anger is only a choice when you're aware you're feeling it.
Speaker A:If anger blindsides you, if you've already exploded before you even registered your anger was rising, then in that moment, it's very hard to say you made a choice.
Speaker A:Your body acted before your brain caught up but if you are aware your anger is building, then you absolutely have a choice, not just in whether you act on it, but in how you respond to it entirely.
Speaker A:This is not a small distinction.
Speaker A:That is everything.
Speaker A:To help make this point, I once worked with a dad.
Speaker A:I'll call him Mark, who told me he'd spent years feeling like his anger was something that happened to him.
Speaker A:Like a weather event.
Speaker A:It would roll in like a fog, he said, and he'd say or do something he regretted and then it would pass.
Speaker A:He'd apologise to his wife, he'd feel awful about what his kids had seen.
Speaker A:And then he'd wait, dreading the next time.
Speaker A:What changed things for Mark wasn't a breathing technique or a communication strategy.
Speaker A:It was the moment he realised his anger didn't actually arrive without warning.
Speaker A:He just hadn't been paying attention to his warning signs of anger.
Speaker A:And once he started noticing them, a tightening in his chest, his thoughts getting sharper and more critical, his jaw starting to clench, everything shifted.
Speaker A:He wasn't arriving late to his own anger anymore.
Speaker A:He had a window.
Speaker A:And in that window, he had a choice.
Speaker A:So that's what we're working towards, not the elimination of anger.
Speaker A:That's not realistic.
Speaker A:The goal is catching it early enough that.
Speaker A:That you're still in control of what you do next.
Speaker A:So how do you catch your anger earlier?
Speaker A:You start paying attention to what I call your early warning signs of anger.
Speaker A:Every person has these.
Speaker A:They're the physical, emotional and mental signals that tell you anger is starting to build before it reaches the point of no return.
Speaker A:Physically, they might look like a racing heart, a tight chest, heat rising in your face, or your fists starting to close.
Speaker A:Emotionally, they might show up as feeling suddenly hurt, dismissed, embarrassed or disrespected.
Speaker A:And that sting, that flash of I can't believe this is often the very first sign.
Speaker A:And mentally, your early warning signs show up as thoughts.
Speaker A:Thoughts like this always happens or she never listens or they don't respect me.
Speaker A:Thoughts that start building a case.
Speaker A:When you learn to recognize your own early warning signs, you start catching anger at the point where you still have options.
Speaker A:You can take a breath, you can step out of the room, you can say, I need a minute.
Speaker A:Not because you're avoiding the conversation, but because you're choosing to have it when you're actually able to.
Speaker A:Now, let's go one layer deeper.
Speaker A:Because there's a second way that anger is a choice, and this one's more powerful.
Speaker A:How you respond to any situation is shaped by how you think about that situation and how you think is shaped by your beliefs.
Speaker A:Here's a simple Imagine your partner says something critical to you, such as, you never really listen to me.
Speaker A:If your automatic thought is, she's attacking me, you'll feel angry, defensive, ready to fight back or shut down.
Speaker A:But if your thought is she, she's telling me she feels unheard or unimportant, you may feel something very different, maybe more open, maybe less defensive, but probably more like a partner and less like an opponent.
Speaker A:You are reacting to the same words, but you have a completely different response.
Speaker A:And the difference is in your thought, in between.
Speaker A:Now, I'm not saying you can just decide to think differently and everything changes overnight.
Speaker A:Most of our automatic thoughts were formed a long time ago, in childhood, in early relationships, in experiences that taught us what to expect from the world.
Speaker A:They run deep.
Speaker A:But as an adult, you can examine them.
Speaker A:You can ask, is this thought actually true?
Speaker A:Is it helping me?
Speaker A:Or is it costing me?
Speaker A:And over time, with practice, you can change the beliefs that keep driving you towards anger.
Speaker A:So the people I see who make the most lasting change aren't just the ones who learned to breathe through a difficult moment.
Speaker A:They're the ones who went a layer deeper and started questioning the beliefs underneath the anger.
Speaker A:Because that's where the real shift happens.
Speaker A:So let me bring this together.
Speaker A:Let's go back to the original Is anger a choice?
Speaker A:My answer is yes, but not in the way most people mean when they say it.
Speaker A:It's not a switch you can flip.
Speaker A:It's not about willpower or trying harder in the moment.
Speaker A:That approach almost always fails, because by the time you need willpower, the anger has already taken over.
Speaker A:Real choice comes earlier.
Speaker A:It comes from learning to recognize your warning signs before things escalate.
Speaker A:It comes from understanding that your thoughts, not just the situation, are driving your emotional response.
Speaker A:And it comes from examining the beliefs that make certain triggers so powerful in the first place.
Speaker A:So every time a client tells me I just can't control my anger, what I usually find they can.
Speaker A:They just haven't yet learned where to look.
Speaker A:Now, here's what I'd encourage you to do after this.
Speaker A:Think about the last time you lost your temper.
Speaker A:Not the explosion itself, but go back a step earlier.
Speaker A:What were you feeling just before?
Speaker A:What was happening in your body?
Speaker A:What were you thinking?
Speaker A:Start there, because that's where your choice lives.
Speaker A:Now, if you want support working through this, come over to angersecrets.com there's a free training, and you can book a free 30 minute call with me directly.
Speaker A:I'd be honoured to help you take control of your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
