Do you have an anger issue?
Is anger the same as yelling at someone, or is it different?
Do you lash out at others when you are angry, and want to know how to stop it?
If you have answered “Yes” to any of these questions, then in this blog post, I will reveal to you exactly:
- what anger is
- the real cause of your anger and
- how to get help if you are experiencing anger issues.
So, What Is Anger?
When I ask clients I work with what anger is, I get many responses.
These responses include:
Anger is:
• frustration
• rage
• an emotion
• a feeling
• shouting at someone
• hitting someone
• acting out of control
Take a moment now to think about these responses.
Would you agree with any of them?
If so, which ones do you agree with?
Which ones do you disagree with?
Would you say that anger is frustration or rage? If so, why? If not, why not?
Would you say that anger is shouting at someone, hitting someone, or acting out of control?
If so, why? If not, why not?
Trying to describe what anger is important, so think about this now.
What is anger?
When you're ready, read on...
Anger: Wikipedia's Definition
Before I tell you how I describe what anger is, let me share the definition of anger that you can find on Wikipedia.
According to Wikipedia:
“Anger is an intense emotional state involving a strong uncomfortable and hostile response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.” (see Wikipedia)
This is a pretty complicated definition, but let's break it up into three parts and see if we can understand it better.
The first part of Wikipedia’s definition says that anger is an intense emotional state.
There are two things to notice about this statement.
Firstly, anger is intense.
If you are reading this blog, I am sure you know this.
You have probably experienced times when it seems like anger takes control of you.
You may have gotten into arguments where your anger has escalated out of control.
At these times, you may become so angry that you may not even be aware that you are angry-you are just reacting to the event that is causing your anger.
The second part of Wikipedia’s definition says that anger is an emotional state.
This is worth re-stating.
Whatever anger is, anger is a feeling (or an emotion).
While this can seem obvious, many people do not understand this important aspect of anger.
For example, let’s return to the common responses I get when I ask my clients, “What is anger?”.
Three of these responses, namely shouting at someone, hitting someone or acting out of control, are actions. They are not feelings.
And while a person may choose to shout at someone, hit someone or act out of control when they are angry-these are actions that people can take when they are angry.
They are not anger itself.
This is in contrast to answers such as anger is frustration or rage. As both frustration and rage are feelings, these responses are far closer to what anger is, as, like anger, they are both feelings.
Let me repeat this important point:
Whatever anger is, anger is a feeling (or an emotion).
Finally, the third part of Wikipedia’s definition of anger says that anger:
“involves a strong uncomfortable and hostile response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat”.
I know that this again is a little bit complicated, but the key word in this sentence is the word perceived.
Anger is not a response to an actual provocation, hurt or threat, but instead to something you perceive as a provocation, hurt or threat.
To help explain this point, imagine that you have come home from a hard day at work. Your partner is busy helping the children with their homework, so you sit in front of the television and watch the news.
Just at this moment, your partner comes into the room.
They look angrily at you and say, “How come you get to relax? You never help with the kids. I can’t believe you are so lazy and uncaring!”
Many people in this situation will respond angrily.
You may perceive your partner’s comments as unfair or as a personal attack on you. As a result, you may defend yourself by saying something like:
“Well, who was been working all day earning money for you?”.
At this stage, an argument can easily start.
If you ever find yourself in this type of situation, it is important to realise that there are many ways you can perceive your partner's initial statement.
For example, your partner may be exhausted from looking after the children all day.
Rather than being a personal attack on you, your partner’s statement may be an attempt to get recognition for their work.
If you perceived your partner’s statement in this way, you would be more likely to respond with empathy, rather than hostility.
The point of this example is that there are many ways to perceive your partner’s statement, and it is your perception of this statement (and not your partner’s statement itself) that creates your anger.
To put this slightly differently, if you have an anger problem, it is not what other people are saying or doing that is causing your anger-it is how you think about their words or actions that cause your anger.
Or, more bluntly. “You create your anger”.
OK. I know that is a lot to take in, so let's summarise what you have learned about anger in this blog:
Summary:
You have learned that:
• Anger is an emotion (or a feeling)
• Anger is a response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat, and
• the real cause of your anger is not how other people are acting or what they are doing. Instead, the real cause of your anger is how you perceive how other people are acting or what they are doing.
Finally, how can you get help if you are experiencing anger issues?
Fortunately, I have a simple, short and FREE training on this very topic.
To access this FREE training, click here.
This training will teach you exactly how to control your anger, master your emotions and create a calmer, happier and more respectful relationship, often in 21 days (or less), and without having to attend humiliating anger management programs or exhausting therapy sessions that often just do not work.
Thanks for reading this blog!
Remember: You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Take care!