For more information (and FREE resources) on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
The ABC model of anger management is a powerful tool that can help individuals take control of their emotions and transform their responses to anger. By focusing on three key components—awareness, beliefs, and communication—listeners can learn to identify their anger triggers and understand the thoughts fuelling their emotional reactions.
This episode delves into recognising early warning signs of rising anger, challenging the beliefs that exacerbate frustration, and employing effective communication strategies to navigate conflicts constructively.
With insights from Alastair Duhs, along with discussions between AI assistants Jake and Sarah, this episode provides practical tips for fostering healthier relationships and achieving emotional mastery.
Join us to discover how you can turn anger into understanding and frustration into clarity for a calmer, happier life.
Key Takeaways:
- Recognising early warning signs of anger can help you manage it before it escalates.
- Your beliefs about a situation create your emotional response, not the situation itself.
- Effective communication involves expressing your feelings without blaming or attacking the other person.
- Taking a break during heated conversations can prevent saying things you might regret later.
- Challenging rigid beliefs and replacing them with flexible thoughts can transform your anger response.
- Practicing deep breathing can help signal your body to calm down when anger rises.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
For Alastair’s comprehensive anger management program, The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course.
Transcript
Picture this.
Alister Dewes:You're helping your kids get ready for bed.
Alister Dewes:It's been a long day and you're exhausted.
Alister Dewes:But instead of putting on their pyjamas, they're running around laughing and completely ignoring you.
Alister Dewes:You feel your patience slipping.
Alister Dewes:Your voice gets louder, your tone sharper, and suddenly you're shouting.
Alister Dewes:Your kids freeze.
Alister Dewes:Their laughter stops, and guilt washes over you as.
Alister Dewes:As you see their startled little faces sound familiar?
Alister Dewes:Moments like these can feel impossible to avoid.
Alister Dewes:But what if they didn't have to happen?
Alister Dewes:What if you could recognize the signs of your rising anger before it takes over, reframe the thoughts fuelling it, and communicate calmly?
Alister Dewes:That's what today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast is all about.
Alister Dewes:The ABC model of anger management will teach you how to take control, not just in moments like these, but in every aspect of your life.
Alister Dewes:If you're ready to turn anger into understanding and frustration into clarity, keep listening.
Alister Dewes:This is the tool you've been waiting for.
Alister Dewes:Hello, and welcome to episode 11 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Alister Dewes:I'm your host, Alister Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Alister Dewes:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Alister Dewes:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss one of the most powerful tools I teach the ABC model of anger management.
Alister Dewes:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to control your anger once and for all.
Alister Dewes:With that said, let's get started on today's deep dive.
Jake:Hey, everyone, and welcome back for another deep dive.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:This time we're tackling something that I think we can all relate to.
Sarah:Oh, yeah, anger, for sure.
Jake:It's something that we all deal with from time to time.
Sarah:Absolutely.
Jake:It's a powerful emotion, and sometimes it feels like it's running the show.
Sarah:It is a universal human experience and it can really take over sometimes.
Jake:Yeah, for sure.
Jake:And so that's why we're really excited to kind of dig into this today.
Sarah:That's right.
Jake:And really explore this model.
Jake:The ABC model.
Sarah:That's right.
Jake:That can help us understand and manage anger.
Sarah:Just like we learned the Alphabet as kids, there's a simple Model.
Sarah:An ABC model that can help us understand and manage anger.
Jake:I am intrigued.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:So how does this ABC model work?
Jake:Well, is it like a step by step process for dealing with anger?
Sarah:It breaks down anger into three manageable parts.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Awareness, beliefs, and communication.
Jake:All right, so let's start with a awareness.
Jake:What does that actually mean in the context of anger?
Jake:Is it just about realizing you're angry?
Sarah:It's more about tuning into those early warning signs.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Those subtle cues your body sends before anger really takes hold.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Think of it like a smoke alarm.
Jake:Ooh, I like that.
Sarah:You want to catch the first whiff of smoke before the whole house goes up in flames.
Jake:I like that analogy a lot.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:So what are some of those early warning signs?
Jake:What should people be looking at out for?
Sarah:It's different for everyone.
Jake:Sure.
Sarah:But common signs include a racing heart, tense muscles, clenched fists, or even a change in your breathing.
Sarah:It's about noticing those physical sensations before they escalate.
Jake:So it's almost like our body is trying to give us a heads up.
Sarah:Exactly.
Jake:Like, hey, things are about to get heated.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And by becoming aware of those signals, you gain a valuable window of opportunity.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:You can choose how to respond instead of just reacting impulsively.
Jake:That makes sense.
Jake:Yeah, but I think a lot of people, myself included, tend to blame their anger on external factors.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:Like, oh, that person made me so mad.
Sarah:Yeah.
Sarah:You know, that's a common misconception.
Jake:Yeah.
Sarah:And this is where the B of the ABC model comes in.
Sarah:Beliefs.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:The key insight here is that we actually create our own anger.
Sarah:It's not the external event itself, but how we think about it that determines our emotional response.
Jake:So it's not the traffic jam that's making me angry, it's my thoughts about the traffic jam.
Sarah:Precisely.
Alister Dewes:Wow.
Sarah:Let's say you're stuck in traffic and someone cuts you off.
Sarah:One person might think that jerk did that on purpose and get enraged.
Sarah:Another person might think maybe they didn't see me and feel a mild annoyance.
Jake:Wow, that's a really powerful example.
Sarah:It is.
Jake:It shows how two people can experience the same event but have completely different emotional reactions based on their beliefs about the situation.
Sarah:And the more we understand those beliefs, the more power we have to change our responses.
Jake:That's super interesting.
Jake:Yeah, this is starting to make a lot of sense.
Sarah:Good.
Jake:So we've got awareness of those early warning signs.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:And we're examining our beliefs about the situation.
Jake:But how does communication fit into all of this?
Sarah:Communication is the C of the model, and it's crucial for managing anger effectively.
Jake:Right.
Sarah:Especially in relationships.
Jake:So is it more than just expressing your anger?
Sarah:It is.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:It's about understanding the other person's perspective and finding a way to resolve conflict constructively.
Jake:So it's not about yelling louder to get your point across?
Sarah:Definitely not.
Jake:Okay, good.
Sarah:In fact, when we're angry, our communication often breaks down.
Jake:Right.
Sarah:We might say things we regret, or we might completely shut down and refuse to engage.
Jake:Oh, I've been there.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:Sometimes it feels like my anger just hijacks my ability to communicate effectively.
Sarah:That's why it's so important to develop communication skills that can help us navigate those difficult conversations.
Jake:This is all so insightful.
Jake:Seems like these three elements.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:Awareness, beliefs, and.
Jake:And communication are all interconnected.
Sarah:Absolutely.
Jake:Yeah.
Sarah:They all work together to help us understand and manage our anger in a healthier way.
Jake:I like it.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:This is good stuff.
Jake:But I'm curious about, like, what can you actually do when you start to feel that anger rising?
Jake:You know, it's like, okay, my heart's racing, My palms are sweating now.
Jake:What?
Sarah:You've noticed those signals?
Jake:Yeah.
Sarah:It's time to hit the pause button.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:One of the simplest yet most effective techniques is deep breathing.
Jake:Deep breathing?
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:Always a classic.
Sarah:I know, right?
Jake:I've heard it a million times, but it works.
Jake:Does it really work?
Sarah:It really does.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Think about it.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:When you're angry, your breathing becomes shallow and rapid.
Sarah:By taking deep, slow breaths, you're essentially signaling to your body that it's time to calm down.
Jake:So it's like tricking your body into thinking, hey, maybe things aren't so bad after all.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:Another technique that can be incredibly helpful is called thought stopping.
Jake:Thought stopping?
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:What is that?
Sarah:It's like putting up a mental stop sign to those negative anger inducing thoughts.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:I even imagine a big red stop sign sometimes.
Jake:Ooh, I love that visual.
Sarah:Yeah.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:It's like saying, nope, not going down that rabbit hole today.
Sarah:Yes.
Sarah:And once you've stopped that train of thought.
Jake:Yeah.
Sarah:You can consciously choose to replace those negative thoughts with more positive or neutral ones.
Jake:So instead of thinking, this always happens to me, I can't believe this.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:You might shift to, okay, this is frustrating, but I can handle it.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:Remember, you have the power to choose your thoughts.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:And your thoughts shape your feelings.
Jake:Okay.
Jake:So we've paused.
Jake:We've taken some deep breaths.
Jake:We've stopped those negative thoughts.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:What's next?
Sarah:Sometimes simply removing yourself from the situation for a few minutes can be incredibly helpful.
Sarah:You're not running away from the problem.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:But you're giving yourself some space to cool down.
Jake:I think a lot of people are afraid to do that.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:They don't want to seem like they're giving in.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:Or avoiding the issue.
Sarah:I understand that fear.
Jake:Yeah.
Sarah:But think about it this way.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Would you rather say something you regret in the hate of the moment.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Or take a few minutes to gather your thoughts and come back to the conversation more calmly?
Jake:Yeah.
Jake:That's a really good point.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:It's like that saying, never send an email when you're angry.
Sarah:Exactly.
Jake:Give yourself some time to cool off.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:Sometimes a little distance can make all the difference.
Jake:All right, so those are some good, great tips for dealing with the A of the ABC model awareness.
Sarah:Yes.
Jake:But what about the B?
Sarah:Okay.
Jake:Those pesky beliefs that are often driving our anger.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:How can we start to challenge those deeply ingrained thought patterns?
Sarah:This is where self reflection comes in.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Start paying close attention to the language you use when you're angry.
Sarah:Are you using words like always, never should or shouldn't?
Jake:Oh, man, he should know better.
Sarah:Yep.
Jake:She should have called me back.
Jake:It's a constant refrain in my head.
Sarah:We all have those shoulds running through our minds.
Sarah:But challenge those beliefs.
Sarah:Ask yourself, is it realistic to expect that person to always know better?
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:Are my expectations reasonable?
Jake:So it's about replacing those rigid beliefs.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:With more flexible, nuanced ones.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And remember, you can't control other people's actions.
Jake:Right.
Sarah:But you can control your own thoughts and reactions.
Jake:This is eye opening.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:I'm starting to see how empowering this can be.
Sarah:Absolutely.
Jake:It's like taking back control from those angry impulses.
Sarah:And that brings us to the C communication.
Jake:All right, but are there communication strategies that can help us navigate those tough conversations when anger is involved?
Sarah:One technique for overcoming defensiveness, which can be a major communication roadblock.
Jake:Yeah.
Sarah:Is to try to see things from the other person's perspective.
Jake:So instead of instantly firing back a defensive remark.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:Take a moment to consider why they might be feeling or acting that way.
Sarah:Precisely.
Sarah:It doesn't mean you have to agree with them.
Jake:Right.
Sarah:But it can help you understand where they're coming from.
Sarah:And remember, communication is a two way street.
Sarah:It's not just about listening, but also about expressing your own feelings in a clear, assertive, but non aggressive way.
Jake:Yeah, but what are some other communication tips?
Jake:Yeah.
Jake:You know, especially when you're feeling all those anger vibes.
Sarah:Well, one thing that can be really helpful is using I Statements instead of you statements.
Sarah:For example, instead of saying, you're always late, you don't care about my time.
Jake:Right.
Sarah:You could say, I feel frustrated and disrespected when I'm left waiting.
Jake:So it's about owning your own feelings.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And expressing them in a way that doesn't blame or attack the other person.
Jake:That makes a lot of sense.
Sarah:And remember, tone of voice is super important.
Jake:Oh, yeah.
Sarah:Even if you're using I statements.
Sarah:Right.
Sarah:If your tone is accusatory or sarcastic.
Jake:Yeah.
Sarah:It's going to backfire.
Jake:Oh, yeah.
Jake:I'm definitely guilty of that.
Sarah:We all have our moments.
Jake:Sometimes my tone can be a little sharp.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:Shall we say.
Sarah:But being mindful of your tone can make a huge difference in how your message is received.
Jake:For sure.
Jake:For sure.
Jake:So what about those situations where the conversation is just getting too heated.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:And you feel like you're about to lose it?
Sarah:Okay.
Jake:What do you do?
Sarah:That's when it's crucial to take a break from the conversation.
Sarah:Agree to revisit the issue later.
Alister Dewes:Yeah.
Sarah:When you've both had a chance to calm down.
Jake:I think that can be really hard for some people.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:It feels like you're giving up or avoiding the problem.
Sarah:It's not about avoiding the problem.
Sarah:It's about choosing to deal with it in a healthier, more constructive way.
Sarah:Think about it like this.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:If you were trying to have a conversation during a hurricane.
Jake:Yep.
Sarah:It would be impossible to hear each other.
Sarah:Right.
Jake:Ooh, I like that analogy.
Sarah:So sometimes our emotions are like that hurricane, and we need to wait for the storm to pass before we can communicate effectively.
Jake:That's a good way to put it.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:This has been such a helpful deep dive.
Sarah:It has.
Jake:Into the ABC model of anger management.
Sarah:Yeah.
Jake:It's amazing how such a simple model can provide so much insight and practical guidance.
Jake:I know.
Jake:So what's the key takeaway?
Jake:You want our listeners to walk away with that?
Sarah:You have the power to choose how you respond to anger.
Jake:Okay.
Sarah:You don't have to be a victim of your emotions.
Jake:I like that.
Sarah:With awareness, a willingness to examine your beliefs, and a commitment to effective communication, you can transform your relationship with anger and create a more peaceful and fulfilling life.
Jake:Wonderful.
Jake:If you're ready to dive even deeper into the ABCs of anger management.
Sarah:Yes.
Jake:Be sure to check out the free training available@Anger Secrets.com.
Sarah:Thanks for joining us on the show.
Jake:And remember, you've got this.
Sarah:Yeah, you do.
Alister Dewes:Okay.
Alister Dewes:Thanks for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.
Alister Dewes:I hope you have found this deep dive into the ABC model of anger management helpful.
Alister Dewes:Before we finish, let's summarise the main ideas that Jake and Sarah talked about.
Alister Dewes:As you will recall, Jake and Sarah discussed what I call the ABC model of anger Management.
Alister Dewes:This model summarises the three most important steps to controlling anger awareness, beliefs and communication.
Alister Dewes:As Jake and Sarah said, the first step in managing anger is becoming aware of when you are getting angry.
Alister Dewes:Without this awareness, it is impossible to control your anger.
Alister Dewes:The second step to controlling anger is examining your beliefs about a situation or person.
Alister Dewes:As Jake and Sarah discussed, it is your beliefs that create your thoughts and ultimately lead to feelings of anger.
Alister Dewes:Finally, Jake and Sarah discussed the importance of communication in managing anger and resolving conflicts.
Alister Dewes:By actively listening to their partner and practicing negotiation skills, couples can create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Alister Dewes:Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Alister Dewes:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favorite podcast app and leave a quick rating and review.
Alister Dewes:This helps others find this show and start their journey to a calmer, happier, healthier life.
Alister Dewes:Remember, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, anger secrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Alister Dewes:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Alister Dewes:I'll see you in the next episode.
Alister Dewes:Take care.
Jake:The Anger Management podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Jake:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Jake:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
