For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
What if the key to overcoming anger wasn’t more control, but more compassion?
In this thought-provoking episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores how choosing compassion—far from being weak or passive—can be a powerful way to break the cycle of reactivity and protect your most important relationships.
If you’ve ever lashed out in the heat of the moment and wished you could take it back, this episode could change the way you see anger forever.
Key Takeaways:
-Assumptions fuel anger: Most outbursts are based on incomplete stories and snap judgments—recognising this blind spot can stop anger before it starts.
-Curiosity creates space: Taking a moment to ask “What else might be going on?” turns impulse into insight and helps you respond thoughtfully.
-Compassion is not weakness: It’s a conscious choice to interrupt the anger cycle and act from strength, not reactivity.
-We all have hidden struggles: Seeing others through a compassionate lens—even in conflict—fosters connection and emotional clarity.
-You always have a choice: While you can’t control others, you can choose your response—and that’s where real power lies.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever felt your anger building during those small, everyday moments?
Speaker A:Perhaps it's a rude driver cutting you off, a co worker missing a deadline, or your child refusing to listen.
Speaker A:You don't want to lose your cool, but in the heat of the moment, it feels almost impossible to hold it back.
Speaker A:Later, as your regret sinks in, you why can't I just handle these situations better?
Speaker A:The truth is, we all face moments when anger feels like the only response.
Speaker A:But here's the Anger doesn't solve anything.
Speaker A:It keeps you stuck harming the people you care about and eating away at your confidence.
Speaker A:If that's been your experience, I want you to know this.
Speaker A:There's another way Today's episode dives into a powerful alternative to anger, namely compassion.
Speaker A:We'll discuss how showing compassion is not a soft or passive option, but a deliberate, courageous choice.
Speaker A:We will also show you how choosing compassion over anger isn't about letting things slide.
Speaker A:It's about reclaiming your power, breaking the anger cycle, and responding with strength instead of reaction.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 42 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I have asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss the power of compassion to help you control your anger no matter what situation you are in.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever found yourself in that, well, that really familiar moment you're driving, maybe feeling okay, and then bam, someone just cuts you off and your blood pressure just shoots up, right?
Speaker B:That hot flash of anger.
Speaker B:And the first thought is usually, how dare they?
Speaker C:Or something less polite, maybe.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Or, you know, maybe it's closer to home.
Speaker B:A comment from a loved one seems small, but it just hits a nerve and suddenly, boom, you're in this argument that just spirals.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Before you even know how it started.
Speaker B:It feels almost like an instinct, doesn't it?
Speaker B:To react to what feels like aggression or Unfairness by just, well, fighting fire with fire.
Speaker B:You know, more anger, pushing back.
Speaker C:It's that default reaction.
Speaker B:But if you stop and think about it for a second, does that really work?
Speaker B:Does it ever actually resolve anything?
Speaker B:Or does it just make things hotter, messier, more regret later on?
Speaker C:You've really hit the nail on the head there, because that fight fire with fire thing, it's so common.
Speaker C:We all do it, but like you said, it's often just counterproductive.
Speaker C:So what we want to explore today in this deep dive is something different.
Speaker C:An alternative approach.
Speaker C:One that's actually, well, more powerful and definitely more effective when things get heated.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Today we're focusing squarely on the power of compassion.
Speaker C:And we're drawing these insights from someone with just a ton of experience in this field.
Speaker C:Alistair Duz.
Speaker C:He's a leading anger management expert.
Speaker C:Been doing this for over 30 years.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:30 years.
Speaker C:Helped more than 15,000 people get a handle on their anger, their emotions, turning those really reactive habits into something more conscious, more constructive.
Speaker C:So these aren't just nice ideas, they're like proven strategies.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Actionable stuff.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Stuff that can really change how you deal with things, how you feel.
Speaker B:So our mission today, then, is to really unpack why compassion isn't just some, I don't know, soft or idealistic thing, but actually a really potent practical tool for managing anger in the real world.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker B:We're gonna dive into how using it can seriously change your interactions.
Speaker B:So get ready for maybe some surprising facts about others.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:But maybe even about your own brain.
Speaker B:And practical ways to apply this stuff that might, you know, challenge those automatic reactions we all have.
Speaker C:It's not about being passive at all.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:It's about being strong in a different way.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It's about real strength.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's jump right in.
Speaker B:The first big thing, I think, is this huge blind spot we have.
Speaker B:We just assume things.
Speaker B:Our anger often kicks off because we don't have the full story.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:We make these snap judgments.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Or it's that thing.
Speaker B:Psychologists call it the fundamental attribution error, where we blame someone's character for bad behavior instead of thinking maybe something else is going on.
Speaker C:That's it.
Speaker C:We see the action, we assume the motive, and.
Speaker C:And usually we assume the worst.
Speaker B:To make this really hit home, I want to share the story from Alistair's work.
Speaker B:It's about a guy named James.
Speaker B:Now, James, he apparently had a history of, let's say, pretty explosive anger issues.
Speaker B:It affected his marriage, his job, everything.
Speaker B:So one night, James is driving home late he's actually feeling calm, relaxed.
Speaker B:Roads are quiet.
Speaker B:And then out of nowhere, this car just dangerously overtakes him.
Speaker B:Speeding, weaving, you know the type.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Instant red flag kind of driving.
Speaker B:Totally.
Speaker B:And for James, it was like a switch flipped.
Speaker B:Instant furious anger.
Speaker B:His immediate reaction, his absolute determination was, I'm going to chase that car down, confront the driver.
Speaker B:And he even admitted he thought about getting physical.
Speaker C:Wow, that's intense.
Speaker C:That quickly.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:That's how fast and how strong his anger could flare up.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:And this is where it gets really interesting.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:This is where the core idea, Alistair's big insight really comes into play.
Speaker C:So James, completely caught up in this rage, he does it.
Speaker C:He chases the car, miles, honking, flashing his lights, just determined to make this driver pull over so he can unload on them.
Speaker B:You can almost picture it.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:He's imagining this whole confrontation.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:But when the other car finally pulls over, Jay storms out, fist clenched, ready to basically assault this person.
Speaker C:But when he gets to the window.
Speaker C:Yeah, it's not who we expected at all.
Speaker C:It wasn't some aggressive young guy or anything like that.
Speaker C:It was a woman and she was heavily pregnant, clearly in agony.
Speaker C:Her face just twisted in pain.
Speaker C:Oh, wow.
Speaker C:She was rushing to the hospital.
Speaker B:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker B:Just.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Takes your breath away.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:James just stopped instantly.
Speaker C:That white hot rage just vanished.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Replaced by shock, huge embarrassment and this wave of guilt.
Speaker B:I can only imagine.
Speaker C:And in that second, he got it.
Speaker C:The sheer scale of his anger problem and how completely dangerously wrong his judgment had been.
Speaker C:He almost attacked someone who was in desperate need.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And the, the story just perfectly highlights this basic truth.
Speaker C:We forget all the time in almost any situation that makes us angry.
Speaker C:We never really know what's going on for the other person.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:We just see our little slice of it.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:We don't know their story, their struggles, what's driving them.
Speaker C:Our first take, it's almost always incomplete.
Speaker C:Our brain tries to fill in the gaps fast.
Speaker C:We.
Speaker C:But those feelings often totally wrong.
Speaker C:You just fuel the fire.
Speaker B:That's such a powerful lesson.
Speaker B:Really makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
Speaker B:How often is our anger built on like sand, incomplete information, just assumptions and okay, it's one thing with a stranger on the road, maybe.
Speaker B:But how does this play out in our really close relationships?
Speaker C:Ah, yeah, good question.
Speaker B:Like, what about when your partner or maybe a family member says something that just feels critical or judgmental?
Speaker B:That immediate reaction is usually to fire right back, isn't it?
Speaker C:It really is.
Speaker C:That tit for tat thing.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And that's usually just a fast train to a big argument, not really solving anything.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:And in those close relationships, this principle is maybe even more important because we think we know them so well.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:You think?
Speaker B:I know exactly why they said that.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:But when your partner snaps or says something sharp, do you.
Speaker C:Do you really, truly know what's going on for them in that precise moment?
Speaker C:Honestly?
Speaker C:Probably not.
Speaker C:Maybe they had a terrible day at work you haven't heard about yet.
Speaker C:Maybe they're just utterly exhausted from dealing with the kids.
Speaker C:Or maybe there's some anxiety buzzing underneath about work or health or money, something they haven't even said out loud.
Speaker B:Yeah, all that hidden stuff.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And the key shift, the really useful response here isn't getting angry back.
Speaker C:It's not judging them back.
Speaker C:It's pausing just for a beat.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:And trying to get curious.
Speaker C:Okay, what's really going on here for them?
Speaker B:Curiosity.
Speaker B:Instead of anger.
Speaker C:Yes, that curiosity.
Speaker C:That little question, it shifts you out of that immediate fight or flight anger response and into a more thoughtful part of your brain.
Speaker C:You're moving from reaction to seeking understanding.
Speaker B:Okay, so it's not necessarily about magically feeling empathy right away, especially if you're, you know, feeling attacked yourself.
Speaker B:It's more about creating that tiny gap between.
Speaker B:Before you lash out.
Speaker C:Exactly that.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:It's recognizing that initial spark.
Speaker C:Okay, I'm feeling angry.
Speaker C:And then deliberately, consciously asking, wait, what else could be happening?
Speaker B:Just that micropause.
Speaker C:That micro pause.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It's a conscious choice.
Speaker C:It lets your rational brain catch up with your emotional brain.
Speaker C:You might not control that first jolt of emotion, but you absolutely can control your response to it.
Speaker C:And this leads us straight into why compassion is such a game changer.
Speaker B:Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker B:Because like we said at the start, fighting fire with fire just doesn't work.
Speaker B:It hardly ever calms things down.
Speaker C:Never.
Speaker B:It usually just triggers the same defensiveness in the other person.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And you get stuck in this loop where everyone feels attacked.
Speaker C:It's a downward spiral.
Speaker C:It escalates things, leaves everyone feeling worse, often with regrets later.
Speaker C:Just adds fuel to the fire.
Speaker B:So compassion is the direct alternative, then?
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:It's the direct and surprisingly powerful alternative.
Speaker C:Instead of reacting with more anger, more hostility, the practical step is choose understanding.
Speaker C:Choose compassion.
Speaker B:And that doesn't mean being weak or just letting people walk all over you.
Speaker C:Not at all.
Speaker C:It's not about condoning bad behavior.
Speaker C:It's about choosing a smarter, more effective, and frankly, more peaceful path for yourself.
Speaker C:You're choosing to break that negative cycle.
Speaker C:There's that great quote from the Dalai Lama, I think it fits perfectly here.
Speaker C:Our prime purpose in this life is to help others.
Speaker C:And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.
Speaker B:That's powerful, isn't it?
Speaker C:And if you apply that to just everyday stuff, everyday interactions, yeah.
Speaker C:Wow.
Speaker C:The world's got enough anger and pain already, right?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:We really don't need to add more.
Speaker C:Choosing compassion stops you from contributing to it.
Speaker C:It plants a seed for something better.
Speaker B:It's like choosing not to throw another log on the fire.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It's a deliberate act of non escalation, even when you feel provoked.
Speaker B:And if you zoom out even more, that perspective gets even stronger.
Speaker B:Because it's true, isn't it?
Speaker B:Everyone around us, literally everyone, is dealing with their own stuff.
Speaker B:Everyone, your family, colleagues, the person checking you out at the store, that driver.
Speaker B:Everyone's got problems, burdens, struggles we know nothing about.
Speaker C:We're all just trying to get by, trying to achieve things, survive in a world that's often pretty challenging.
Speaker C:Doing our best with what we've got.
Speaker B:Yeah, mostly just trying our best.
Speaker C:And what's really freeing about truly getting that, like on a gut level, understanding you're not the only one fighting battles is it makes it so much easier to respond with compassion instead of anger.
Speaker B:How so?
Speaker C:Well, when you recognize that shared struggle, that common humanity, it kind of takes the personal sting out of things.
Speaker C:Maybe that person's rudeness isn't about you at all.
Speaker C:Maybe it's coming from their own pain.
Speaker C:And knowing that really internalizing it stops you from accidentally making someone else's hard day even harder.
Speaker C:And crucially, it helps you manage your own reactions better.
Speaker C:You choose not to add to the pile of negativity.
Speaker B:You choose to be part of the solution.
Speaker B:Or at least not part of the problem.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It's not about being naive, it's about being smart, strategic in how you navigate a world full of flawed humans, yourself included.
Speaker B:Okay, this has been a really eye opening, deep dive into compassion.
Speaker B:We started with that, that blind spot, how we assume things, like with James Story, just not knowing the whole picture.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:The incomplete story.
Speaker B:Then we saw how that unknown principle is so key in our close relationships too.
Speaker B:Choosing curiosity, asking what else?
Speaker B:Instead of just jumping to judgment, seek to understand.
Speaker B:And finally really seeing compassion not just as a nice idea, but as this super effective practical choice.
Speaker B:It stops us fueling more anger, connects us to everyone else's struggles.
Speaker B:It's proactive, not just reactive.
Speaker C:And the really empowering thing, the take home message here is that controlling your anger.
Speaker C:It's a skill anyone can learn.
Speaker C:It doesn't matter how intense your anger feels right now.
Speaker B:It's learnable.
Speaker C:Totally learnable.
Speaker C:It takes practice, sure, and awareness, but it's achievable.
Speaker C:And for practical steps, real tools to put this stuff into action.
Speaker C:You should definitely check out Alistair Duh's website, angersecrets.com angersecrets.com yeah, he's got free training there on controlling anger, mastering emotions, and you can even book a free anger assessment call with them, get some personal advice.
Speaker B:That sounds really helpful.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:It's about building real, lasting emotional strength.
Speaker B:So as you, our listener, go about your day, maybe think about this.
Speaker B:If choosing compassion means really trying to see the hidden struggles in others, what might happen next time you feel that frustration rising?
Speaker B:Yeah, whether it's in traffic or with a difficult colleague, or even at home, what if you met it with genuine curiosity first, instead of that default anger?
Speaker B:What different story might unfold if you just paused and wondered what else might be going on here?
Speaker C:It's a powerful question to ask and remember Alistair's closing thought.
Speaker C:It's so key.
Speaker C:You can't control other people, but you can absolutely control yourself.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope this deep dive with Jake and Sarah gave you some helpful insights and maybe even a fresh perspective on handling anger and building stronger connections.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's quickly revisit a few of the key ideas Jake and Sarah shared today, because these takeaways could make a real difference in how you approach tough moments.
Speaker A:First, Jake and Sarah talked about how anger often stems from incomplete stories or assumptions.
Speaker A:It's so easy to jump to conclusions that about someone's actions or motives.
Speaker A:But as Jake and Sarah highlighted, we rarely have the full picture.
Speaker A:Recognizing this is the first step to changing those automatic reactions.
Speaker A:Next, Jake and Sarah introduced a powerful habit, pausing and asking what else might be going on here.
Speaker A:That tiny moment of curiosity creates space to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Speaker A:It's not always easy, but as they showed, it can completely shift how situations unfold.
Speaker A:Next, Jake and Sarah also explored how compassion isn't about being a pushover.
Speaker A:It's a proactive and powerful choice.
Speaker A:By choosing compassion instead of anger, you can break the anger cycle and truly change how you interact with others, even in heated moments.
Speaker A:And finally, Jake and Sarah shared that real emotional strength comes from understanding, not judgment.
Speaker A:It's about staying grounded and choosing connection over conflict, even when it's hard.
Speaker A:That's where real growth happens.
Speaker A:Not just for your relationships, but for you too.
Speaker A:Now remember, change doesn't happen just by listening to this podcast.
Speaker A:It happens when you take these ideas and start weaving them into your everyday life.
Speaker A:Maybe it's pausing during your next tough interaction, or maybe it's just seeing a frustrating moment through a more compassionate lens.
Speaker A:Whatever stood out to you today, take it and start practicing.
Speaker A:Real progress starts in with small, intentional actions.
Speaker A:Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
