For more information (and FREE resources) on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Colin thought he had his anger issues under control, but in the end anger cost him everything. Colin’s story highlights a crucial point: ignoring anger issues can lead to serious consequences in relationships.
In this episode of the Anger Management podcast, Colin shares the cost of uncontrolled anger. He also shares how he realised that his anger was a learned behavior, passed down through generations. By facing this truth, Colin took powerful steps to change for himself and his children.
This episode emphasises the importance of recognising anger early and taking action before it’s too late.
Key Takeaways:
- Realising anger can cost you more than you think is crucial for change.
- Colin’s journey shows that recognizing anger as a learned behavior is key.
- Awareness of your anger triggers helps in managing responses to difficult conversations.
- It’s never too late to seek help and start making positive changes for yourself.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
For Alastair’s comprehensive anger management program, The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course.
Transcript
Have you ever thought, I don't have an anger problem.
Speaker A:People just push my buttons.
Speaker A:Or maybe you've told yourself, I can control my anger when I need to.
Speaker A:But what if that's a lie?
Speaker A:What if your anger is already costing you more than you realize?
Speaker A:Your marriage, your children's trust, your peace of mind.
Speaker A:That's exactly what happened to Colin.
Speaker A:He was a husband, a father of five, and a man who thought his temper was just part of who he was.
Speaker A:He ignored the warning signs.
Speaker A:He brushed off his wife's pleas to get help, until one day, he lost everything.
Speaker A:His marriage collapsed, his children's world was turned upside down, and suddenly there was no going back.
Speaker A:But here's the twist.
Speaker A:Instead of letting anger define him, Colin decided to change everything.
Speaker A:He refused to let his past dictate his future.
Speaker A:He took action, not just for himself, but for his kids.
Speaker A:And in just a few short weeks, he started seeing results.
Speaker A:If you've ever thought, I'll deal with my anger later, let me be clear.
Speaker A:Later might be too late.
Speaker A:Stay with me, because Colin's story is one you need to hear.
Speaker A:It could be the wake up call that saves your relationship and maybe even your life.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 20 of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes.
Speaker A:Over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today we're going to hear from Colin, a man who thought he had his anger under control until it cost him everything.
Speaker A:But instead of letting that define him, Colin made a decision that changed his life for the better.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, where I'll let you know how you can start controlling your anger before it's too late.
Speaker A:So, without further ado, let's dive into my interview with Colin.
Speaker B:I am 38 years old.
Speaker B:I have five children.
Speaker B:I've been in a relationship for almost 10 years.
Speaker B:It's dissolved probably about seven months ago.
Speaker B:I was asked multiple times through our relationship to do anger management.
Speaker B:I was always too proud and didn't realize I needed to do the course.
Speaker B:It wasn't till my relationship dissolved and I realized what I lost.
Speaker B:I decided maybe I should give this a go and see what it's about.
Speaker B:I wish I'd done it years ago.
Speaker B:I wish I'd done it like so many years ago.
Speaker B:Took me to lose everything, to pull my head out of the sand and to address my issues and where my issues have come from and the damage it's caused.
Speaker C:Thank you.
Speaker C:So what kind of anger issues did you have?
Speaker B:Impulsiveness, irrational thinking, jumping to conclusions, mind reading.
Speaker B:Just.
Speaker B:Yeah, just toxic impulsive behaviors.
Speaker C:And what sort of effect was this having on your partner?
Speaker B:Hurt.
Speaker B:Distrust.
Speaker B:She couldn't open up to me because she was afraid of my reactions, of her being honest.
Speaker B:A bit of fear, yeah.
Speaker B:All those bad things really.
Speaker C:So what was it like starting my anger management course?
Speaker B:Painful.
Speaker B:It was a realization that everything that I was doing was written on paper like intergenerational learned behaviors.
Speaker B:I was mimicking what I learned as a child, what I saw as normal.
Speaker B:I didn't see these as toxic bad things.
Speaker B:This is just how you deal with a situation.
Speaker B:This is how you talk to somebody when you're frustrated.
Speaker B:This is the way you act.
Speaker B:You slam doors, you raise your voice, you yell threats, you call names.
Speaker B:These are all things that I saw as normal.
Speaker B:These are all the things I was doing that were toxic and destructive.
Speaker C:What was it like to realize that?
Speaker C:Painful, disappointing, embarrassed, regretful, Pretty difficult feelings.
Speaker B:Oh yeah.
Speaker C:And now that you've realized you're acting in that way, what are you doing differently?
Speaker B:Paying attention to the tension scale, Knowing when to put my hand up and say, this is a difficult conversation.
Speaker B:Can I please have 10 minutes?
Speaker B:And I'll go away and I'll go and think.
Speaker B:And it's like I used to put my hand up and say I need time to go have time out and think.
Speaker B:But I never used to use that in a positive way.
Speaker B:I used to go and do my time out in a sense, whether it was go to the garage or go to the yard or go to my room or whatever.
Speaker B:But I would continue to down spiral on everything and get myself worked up.
Speaker B:So when I came back in 10 minutes, I was no better.
Speaker B:I wasn't clear headed, I wasn't thinking rationally, I was mind reading.
Speaker B:I was preempting what the next conversation would be and I was preloaded with what my response would be to those.
Speaker B:So I didn't use that in a positive way.
Speaker B:Doing the course has taught me how to do that better and how to use that time better.
Speaker B:Yeah, cool.
Speaker C:And how much do you think you've changed so far as a result of doing the course?
Speaker B:I am now conscious of my words and my actions and Their effects.
Speaker B:I have slipped up and I have resorted back to my anger and bits and pieces.
Speaker B:Sometimes I do catch myself out sometimes.
Speaker B:Or she'll say to me, hey, you're raising your voice.
Speaker B:And not always when I raise my voice, I'm angry.
Speaker B:It's like sometimes we're having a difficult conversation and there is emotion attached to what words I'm saying or the feelings that are coming up when I'm saying it.
Speaker B:As soon as she sees that, I'm like, oh, take a breath.
Speaker B:And then I start again, reword it and just be more clear with my message.
Speaker C:It sounds impressive.
Speaker C:Definitely sounds like you've made changes.
Speaker C:How fast do you think you've made these changes?
Speaker B:I've been doing this course now, I think for about five weeks.
Speaker B:I'm a lot more conscious of my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, and the action that comes from those.
Speaker B:But I think about that daily.
Speaker B:I was talking to my boy today because he's misbehaving in class and stuff.
Speaker B:And I was like, you need to practice these things.
Speaker B:It's like learning to walk or riding a bike.
Speaker B:You fall off or you'll fall over multiple times before it becomes second nature.
Speaker B:And that's how I'm relating this course to me.
Speaker B:Yes, I'm going to fall off my bike a few times, but if I keep practicing it and just keep focused on it, it will get to a point where it's second nature and I don't have to think about it because this is the way it'll be.
Speaker B:It's reprogramming.
Speaker B:I'm 38 years old.
Speaker B:I've been this way, what, 20 something plus years?
Speaker C:What would you say to someone else who was in your situation, like a couple of months ago who's thinking about doing the course?
Speaker B:You don't know what you got, what's gone.
Speaker B:Think about it.
Speaker B:Take a breath, walk away, get help.
Speaker B:You know, you don't always have to be right.
Speaker B:If she's saying something, clearly there is some meaning attached to what she's saying.
Speaker B:There's a reason she's saying it.
Speaker B:Don't be so bold.
Speaker B:You don't have to be right all the time.
Speaker B:Listen to her, because she's saying something for a reason.
Speaker C:Yeah, it sounds like you're thinking about things from your partner's perspective a lot more.
Speaker B:Yep, 100%.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Anything else you'd like to say before we finish?
Speaker B:I wish I'd done this course years ago, before I had kids.
Speaker B:Like, my grandfather used to beat my father severely, throw him down the Stairs and all these types of things.
Speaker B:My father had to sleep in the wardrobe to avoid a beating, but he used to get found and he used to get beaten for that.
Speaker B:I used to get beaten.
Speaker B:I used to get the bamboo stick.
Speaker B:I used to get PVC pipe.
Speaker B:I used to get a whole lot of undesirable things.
Speaker B:Now I've got children, I don't beat them, but I'll take away their privileges.
Speaker B:No PlayStation, no electronics.
Speaker B:Go sit by the gate for five minutes or whatever.
Speaker B:You come back, you think about what you've done.
Speaker B:So what I'm trying to do is put a stop to that cycle that I was brought up with, my father was brought up with and his father was brought up with.
Speaker B:So the next generation don't have to go with that.
Speaker B:They got tools and better ways of getting their point across or disciplining in a bit more positive way than inflicting pain because you've done something wrong.
Speaker A:That's really powerful.
Speaker C:Do you think you can become that person who breaks the cycle?
Speaker B:I already have.
Speaker B:Yeah, I have.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Nice.
Speaker C:Appreciate that.
Speaker C:Anything else you'd like to say?
Speaker B:No, just thank you.
Speaker B:Just thank you for making this framework and having it so readily available and making it easy to print off the paperwork and go over it and fill out the questionnaires and the quizzes and watch the videos, and you can do it at your own pace.
Speaker B:I appreciate that.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:And so just maybe one more question.
Speaker C:What's it like doing an online course?
Speaker B:I managed erratic hours.
Speaker B:I'm a roofer, so, like, my work is based on the weather.
Speaker B:So if it was a class that I had to attend, I couldn't always attend a class.
Speaker B:But with the course, if I can't sleep or instead of scrolling through social media, I can log in and I can watch a video and then I can print off the paperwork and I can fill out the paperwork at my own leisure.
Speaker B:So that.
Speaker B:That is really good because I don't have that strain of having to be somewhere at a certain time and miss a class and fall behind.
Speaker B:These are things that I can go back to and watch multiple times.
Speaker B:Because you're not always going to make the same mistake.
Speaker B:These papers are something you can relate to three or four different ways you've handled a situation wrong.
Speaker B:So that's what I do.
Speaker B:You analyze.
Speaker B:You realize where you went wrong, and then you realize where you could have gone better.
Speaker B:And then you practice that.
Speaker C:Cool.
Speaker C:Anything else you want to talk about tonight?
Speaker B:Now?
Speaker B:That was really good.
Speaker B:Thank you, Alistair.
Speaker B:I really appreciate.
Speaker B:I found your course, and I'm still doing your course today.
Speaker B:I'm doing it for me and I'm doing it for my kids.
Speaker B:And to be able to learn this so I can pass on these tools to my kids so they don't go down the same road and have the same outcome I did.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this conversation with Colin useful.
Speaker A:Before we finish, let's summarise the main ideas that Colin shared.
Speaker A:Firstly, waiting too long can cost you everything.
Speaker A:Colin admitted that he had known he had an anger problem for years.
Speaker A:His wife asked him multiple times to get help, but he was too proud to take action.
Speaker A:By the time he finally decided to change, it was too late.
Speaker A:His marriage had already ended.
Speaker A:This is a powerful reminder.
Speaker A:Don't wait until you lose everything to start working on your anger.
Speaker A:If your partner, friends, or even your own gut is telling you that anger is an issue, listen now.
Speaker A:Next.
Speaker A:Anger is often a learned behaviour, but you can unlearn it.
Speaker A:One of Colin's biggest revelations was realising that his anger wasn't just who he was, it was something he had learned from childhood.
Speaker A:He grew up in a home where anger was handled through yelling, threats and even violence.
Speaker A:Without realising it, he carried those same patterns into his own relationships.
Speaker A:The good news?
Speaker A:If anger is learned, it can also be unlearned.
Speaker A:Colin started recognizing these patterns through the complete anger management system and making conscious choices to break them.
Speaker A:Next, awareness is the first step to change.
Speaker A:Before enrolling in the complete anger management system, Colin didn't think much about how he reacted in the heat of the moment.
Speaker A:He acted on impulse, jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst.
Speaker A:Now he's using tools like the tension scale, a strategy that helps him recognize his rising anger before it explodes.
Speaker A:He's also practicing taking timeouts the right way.
Speaker A:Not just storming off, but actually stepping back, calming down, and coming back to conversations with a clear head.
Speaker A:Finally, it's never too late to change, but sooner is better.
Speaker A:Even though Colin couldn't save his marriage, he made an incredible choice to change for himself and for his kids.
Speaker A:He doesn't want them to grow up in the same cycle of anger and fear that he did.
Speaker A:And in just a few weeks in the complete anger management system, he's already seeing major progress.
Speaker A:His advice to anyone struggling with anger?
Speaker A:Don't wait.
Speaker A:Don't let your pride stop you from getting help.
Speaker A:Listen, reflect and take action before it's too late.
Speaker A:Colin's story is a powerful reminder that while anger can be destructive.
Speaker A:You always have the power to change.
Speaker A:If you're ready to take control of your anger and transform your relationships, you don't have to do it alone.
Speaker A:Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favorite podcast app and leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their journey to a calmer, happier, healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.com course to enroll in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker D:The Anger management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
