For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Ever feel like you’re listening — but somehow still missing the mark? In this powerful episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the often-overlooked skill that can radically transform your relationships: active listening.
With insight and practical tools from AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, you’ll discover how better listening habits can reduce conflict, build emotional safety, and bring more connection and calm into your daily life.
Key Takeaways:
Presence matters more than you think: True listening starts with giving your full, undivided attention. No phones, no multitasking — just focused presence. This simple shift can ease tension and help your partner feel truly seen.
Hold the advice — offer understanding instead: Jumping in to fix things can leave your partner feeling dismissed. Empathy phrases like “That sounds hard” or “I can see why you’d feel that way” create emotional safety and trust.
Ask questions that open the door to connection: Instead of yes/no questions, use open-ended ones like “What was that like for you?” These deepen the conversation and reveal what’s really going on beneath the surface.
Don’t interrupt — and do pause before you speak: Giving someone space to finish their thought (and taking a beat before you reply) shows respect and helps prevent misunderstandings from spiralling into conflict.
Listening well isn’t about agreement — it’s about making space: Being open to your partner’s perspective, even when you disagree, sends a powerful message: “Your experience matters.”
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Lets be honest for a second.
Speaker A:Have you ever been in a conversation where you thought you were listening, but somehow things still went sideways?
Speaker A:Maybe you offered advice too soon.
Speaker A:Maybe you tried to stay calm but ended up defensive.
Speaker A:Or maybe you just felt helpless watching someone you care about shut down in front of you.
Speaker A:Here's the truth no one talks about Most of us were never taught how to truly listen, especially not when emotions are rising, especially not when anger is building, and definitely not when it matters most.
Speaker A:In this episode, I break down five real world habits that can completely change how you listen and respond to others, and thus how connected, calm and respected you both feel in your relationship.
Speaker A:Now, as always, these aren't vague ideas.
Speaker A:They're powerful, practical skills that help you reduce conflict, avoid emotional shutdowns, and build the kind of relationship that keeps love strong, especially when things get hard.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 36 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I have taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss how to listen well to your partner, no matter what listening skills you have right now or what state your marriage is in right now.
Speaker A:Also, make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to control your anger, master your emotions, and create a calmer, happier, and more loving relationship once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever found yourself in a conversation really trying to listen, but somehow you still feel like you missed the mark?
Speaker B:Or maybe you've seen an argument just escalate and afterwards you kind of wish you'd understood the other person better, or, you know, maybe wish they understood you better.
Speaker B:It's a really common thing, that feeling of being disconnected even when you're right there with someone you care about.
Speaker B:So today we're taking a deep dive into something honestly essential for calmer, happier relationships, especially when anger starts creeping in.
Speaker B:We're talking about the art of active listening.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And what's really fascinating here is, you know, listening seems so simple, right?
Speaker C:But actually mastering it, that's far more complex and honestly much more transformative than it appears.
Speaker C:It really demands focus, empathy, patience, and just a genuine interest in truly getting what the other person is saying.
Speaker C:Their whole viewpoint, not just the words.
Speaker C:Often it even means setting aside your own thoughts, your emotions, your immediate reaction, just to fully tune in.
Speaker C:And let's be honest, when emotions like anger are running high, our ability to listen, that's often the first thing to go out the window, which just leads to more conflict, more misunderstanding.
Speaker C:So our mission today really is to unpack five essential tips that can help you become a much, much better listener.
Speaker C:Almost guaranteeing, I'd say, more productive, more loving, and definitely more respectful conversations.
Speaker C:And ultimately, that helps you manage those strong emotions and build the relationships you actually want.
Speaker B:Okay, let's get into it then.
Speaker B:Our first tip.
Speaker B:Focus intently on.
Speaker B:On the speaker.
Speaker B:I mean, think about it.
Speaker B:How often are we sort of listening, but our mind is actually elsewhere, checking our phone, planning dinner, maybe even just thinking about what we're going to say next?
Speaker B:What kind of impact does that really have on the person talking?
Speaker B:Does it make them feel hurt or maybe just frustrated, even resentful?
Speaker C:That really hits the nail on the head, doesn't it?
Speaker C:True, listening isn't just passive hearing.
Speaker C:It's about actively showing the other person, hey, you matter.
Speaker C:What you're saying is important to me right now.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And to do that, you absolutely have to put away the obvious stuff.
Speaker C:The phone, the laptop.
Speaker C:Yeah, even that mental shopping list.
Speaker C:Just give them your undivided attention.
Speaker B:Undivided.
Speaker B:That's the key word.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:And there's a psychological element, too.
Speaker C:When someone feels genuinely seen and heard, their nervous system actually tends to calm down a bit.
Speaker C:That need to defend themselves or escalate the situation.
Speaker C:It often just fades because that basic human need for validation is being met.
Speaker B:Ah, okay.
Speaker B:So it's not just polite, it actually changes the dynamic physiologically.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Like for couples, a really powerful exercise we often suggest is the daily check in.
Speaker C:It sounds simple, maybe even too simple, but it's just dedicating, say 20 minutes each day.
Speaker C:No distractions.
Speaker C:One person talks, the other just listens.
Speaker B:Just listens.
Speaker B:No fixing, no jumping in?
Speaker C:Nope.
Speaker C:Just focused attention and doing that consistently, it builds this incredible foundation of trust and understanding.
Speaker C:It can genuinely transform a relationship.
Speaker C:Especially if angers become a pattern in communication.
Speaker C:Giving someone your full, unfragmented attention, it's a profound act of respect.
Speaker C:And it really disarms the tension that fuels anger.
Speaker B:That makes so much sense.
Speaker B:It's about being intentional, showing that Respect really being present.
Speaker B:But okay, even if we're totally focused, we often bring our own, well, baggage.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Our own ideas.
Speaker B:Which leads perfectly into our second tip.
Speaker B:Be open minded.
Speaker B:It's so easy to walk into a conversation, especially if it's about a problem or disagreement, with our minds pretty much made up, like convinced there's only one right way to see things, or we already know the answer.
Speaker B:Does that sound familiar?
Speaker B:Maybe feeling resistant before they even finish talking.
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker C:And it's a huge barrier to listening effectively.
Speaker C:A monumental one, really.
Speaker C:To be a truly effective listener, you've got to cultivate this openness.
Speaker C:You have to genuinely accept, at least for the moment, that there might be more than one valid perspective, more than one truth, even.
Speaker B:Even if you don't agree with it.
Speaker C:Especially if you don't agree.
Speaker C:It's not about agreement, it's about making space for their reality.
Speaker C:So when you're listening, particularly to a partner you might be in conflict with, try to set aside your preconceived ideas, your internal scripts, your judgments.
Speaker C:Just suspend them temporarily and truly hear their viewpoint without immediately thinking about your counter argument.
Speaker B:That is hard practice.
Speaker B:Our brains want to jump in and judge.
Speaker C:They do.
Speaker C:We're wired for efficiency, for categories.
Speaker C:We have things like confirmation bias, where we just look for stuff that confirms what we already think.
Speaker C:You have to actively work against that.
Speaker C:But when you do, you often learn something.
Speaker C:A little detail, an underlying feeling, a nuance you missed.
Speaker C:And by being genuinely open minded, you're communicating deep respect, real care, and crucially, a willingness to find a resolution together.
Speaker C:And that openness, that willingness to truly consider another view, it massively diffuses that us versus them feeling it, that so often sparks anger in relationships.
Speaker B:Okay, so focus.
Speaker B:Be open minded.
Speaker B:No, this next one.
Speaker B:Tip number three, this might challenge a really common instinct.
Speaker B:For a lot of us, we're often wired to fix things, aren't we?
Speaker B:Someone shares a problem, especially if they seem upset, and our first thought is, okay, how do I solve this?
Speaker B:We jump in with advice, thinking we're being helpful.
Speaker B:But is that always what the other person actually needs or wants?
Speaker C:You've really pinpointed a core pitfall there.
Speaker C:I see it constantly.
Speaker C:Offering advice, while it seems helpful, often acts as a huge barrier to real listening.
Speaker C:And kind of ironically, it can sometimes make the speaker feel more angry or frustrated.
Speaker B:How so?
Speaker C:Well, the person talking might not be looking for a solution at all.
Speaker C:They might just need to feel heard, understood, validated in whatever they're experiencing.
Speaker C:When someone's emotionally distressed, their primary need isn't always a fix.
Speaker C:It's often empathy.
Speaker B:Empathy, not solutions.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So instead of immediately offering solutions which can sometimes subtly communicate, I don't think you can handle this, or your feelings aren't really worth dwelling on, let's just fix it.
Speaker C:It.
Speaker C:The focus should be entirely on understanding and empathizing with their feelings.
Speaker C:And this is a key distinction.
Speaker C:You're not necessarily agreeing with them or saying their actions were right.
Speaker C:You're simply acknowledging and reflecting their emotional state.
Speaker B:Okay, so how do we do that?
Speaker C:Practically, you can use something called reflective listening.
Speaker C:It basically involves repeating back what they said, maybe in your own words, or summarizing their main point.
Speaker C:This shows them really powerfully that you've accurately heard them.
Speaker B:Can you give an example?
Speaker C:Sure.
Speaker C:Let's say someone says, I spent hours on that report and my boss just glanced at it and dismissed it in five minutes.
Speaker C:Instead of jumping in with, well, you should talk to your boss about the effort you put in, which is advice.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:You could say something like, wow, it sounds like you put a ton of effort into that report.
Speaker C:And it felt really dismissive when your boss didn't seem to acknowledge that.
Speaker B:Ah, I see.
Speaker B:You're just reflecting their experience back to them.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Or even more directly validating the feeling.
Speaker C:You could use phrases like I can see why that would make you feel frustrated, or that sounds like it was a really difficult experience for you.
Speaker C:Or maybe it makes total sense that you'd feel overlooked in that situation.
Speaker C:These phrases don't offer solutions.
Speaker C:They offer a mirror to their emotions.
Speaker C:They let the person feel seen, understood.
Speaker C:And this approach helps de escalate potential anger because it validates their internal reality.
Speaker C:They don't have to fight to make you understand how they feel.
Speaker C:It lets them process rather than defend.
Speaker B:That is a huge shift in mindset for many of us who are natural problem solvers.
Speaker B:It's meeting them where they are emotionally, not where we think they should be.
Speaker B:And it connects so well with our fourth tip.
Speaker B:Asking open ended questions.
Speaker B:You know, think about conversations that feel like, well, an interrogation versus those that just flow and you learn so much.
Speaker B:Often it boils down to the kinds of questions being asked.
Speaker B:Are you asking things that just get a yes or no or are you asking questions that invite something more, something deeper about their, their experience, their thoughts, their feelings?
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:Open ended questions are simply those you can't answer with a basic yes or no.
Speaker C:They are incredibly powerful listening tools because they encourage the speaker to elaborate, to sort of unpack their thoughts and feelings in more detail.
Speaker B:So it Helps you understand better.
Speaker C:It helps you understand much better.
Speaker C:Yes, but it also shows your genuine interest.
Speaker C:It signals I'm not just looking for a quick answer.
Speaker C:I actually care about your perspective, your inner world.
Speaker C:It's an invitation.
Speaker B:Okay, so give us some examples.
Speaker B:Instead of say, did you have a good day?
Speaker C:Which usually gets a yeah or nah, instead, you could ask, what were some of the highlights of your day?
Speaker C:Or maybe what was the most challenging thing that happened today?
Speaker C:And how did you handle that?
Speaker B:Ah, okay, more exploratory.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:If someone's sharing a difficulty, instead of asking, was it hard, which is closed, try how did you navigate that situation?
Speaker C:Or what feelings came up for you when that happened?
Speaker C:See how those questions invite a story.
Speaker C:They open up space for a richer, more detailed account.
Speaker C:And this gives you invaluable insight.
Speaker C:Plus, critically, it often diffuses frustration or anger because it allows the person to fully explain their side and feel truly hurt.
Speaker C:It's about connection, not just collecting facts.
Speaker B:That's brilliant.
Speaker B:It really does shift the whole feel of a conversation, doesn't it?
Speaker B:From just exchanging information to actually connecting.
Speaker B:And speaking of dynamics, our final tip, number five tackles something super common and, honestly, really frustrating.
Speaker B:We've all been there, right?
Speaker B:Trying to get a thought out only to be cut off mid sentence or have someone finish our sentences for us.
Speaker B:How does that make you feel about sharing more?
Speaker B:Usually just shuts you down, makes you pull back, maybe even makes you a bit angry.
Speaker B:Like your thoughts aren't worth the time.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:It can make you feel unheard, dismissed, maybe insignificant, sometimes even disrespected.
Speaker C:So being an exceptional listener means giving the speaker ample space and time.
Speaker C:Enough time to express themselves fully.
Speaker B:So not just not talking, but actively giving space?
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:It means consciously avoiding interruptions, no matter how much you want to jump in with your brilliant point.
Speaker C:It means not finishing their sentences for them, even if you're sure you know where they're going.
Speaker C:Because doing that kind of implies you've already checked out and moved on.
Speaker B:Ooh, good point.
Speaker B:I hadn't thought of it that way.
Speaker C:And maybe the most subtle but really important part, taking a few moments, just a brief conscious pause after they finish speaking, take a beat to truly consider what they've just said before you respond or ask your next question.
Speaker B:That little pause.
Speaker C:That little pause speaks volumes.
Speaker C:It communicates respect, patience, thoughtfulness.
Speaker C:It signals I'm not just reloading, waiting for my turn.
Speaker C:I'm actually processing what you shared.
Speaker C:By respecting their space, their timing, you foster this deep sense of trust.
Speaker C:It encourages deeper, more meaningful communication.
Speaker C:And this is so vital for managing anger.
Speaker C:When people feel they have that unhurried space to get their feelings and needs out without being cut off or rushed, it dramatically reduces the chance of things escalating into anger or resentment.
Speaker C:It's like allowing their message to fully land.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Okay, so these five tips for active listening Be open minded, hold back on advice, ask open questions, and don't interrupt.
Speaker B:They might seem simple when you list them out like that, but putting them together, their cumulative impact on relationships, it sounds like it can be absolutely profound.
Speaker C:It really can.
Speaker B:Mastering this art genuinely helps avoid pointless arguments, boosts understanding massively, and lets you build calmer, happier and just much more loving and connected relationship.
Speaker B:It goes beyond just managing anger, it builds real connection.
Speaker C:And here's something to think about if you truly commit to practicing even one of these listening tips consistently.
Speaker C:Maybe start with just focusing fully on the speaker this week, or consciously biting your tongue when you want to give advice.
Speaker C:What new insights might you uncover about the unspoken needs, maybe?
Speaker C:Or the deeper feelings of the people closest to you?
Speaker C:And how might even that one small shift radically change how you interact and connect, especially when things get tense when anger might be bubbling up?
Speaker C:Often the biggest transformations start with that quiet commitment to really, truly hear another person.
Speaker B:That's a powerful thought to leave with really hearing someone.
Speaker B:And if you feel ready to dive even deeper to really work on mastering your emotions and creat the kinds of relationships you truly want, we strongly recommend checking out the resources from Alistair Dus.
Speaker B:He's a leading anger expert.
Speaker B:Over 30 years of experience helped thousands manage anger effectively.
Speaker B:His insights are incredibly valuable.
Speaker B:For free support to help you on your journey, including free training materials and the chance to book a free assessment call, just visit angersecrets.com that's angersecrets.com we look forward to helping you take control and really transform your life.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into the power of active listening helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Remember, listening might sound simple, but as Jake and Sarah shared, it's actually one of the most powerful tools you have for calming conflict, building trust, and creating real connection in your relationships.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to quickly go over some of the key ideas they explored.
Speaker A:First, real listening means giving your full, undivided attention.
Speaker A:Not half listening while scrolling your phone, but putting it down, looking the other person in the eye and really tuning in.
Speaker A:That kind of presence can calm even the most heated emotions and make your partner feel seen and respected.
Speaker A:Second, good listeners hold back on advice and focus instead on understanding.
Speaker A:As an example, sometimes the most helpful thing you can say to a person isn't a solution that sounds really hard.
Speaker A:When someone feels heard, they're more likely to open up and even solve the problem for themselves.
Speaker A:Third, ask better questions.
Speaker A:Good listeners ask open ended questions such as what was that like for you?
Speaker A:Or Tell me more.
Speaker A:These questions help you go beyond surface level talk and uncover what's really going on for the other person.
Speaker A:And fourth, give people time.
Speaker A:Don't interrupt, don't jump in.
Speaker A:Let them finish their thought and even when they're done, take a moment before you respond.
Speaker A:That little pause, it can mean everything.
Speaker A:It shows you're not just reacting, you're really taking in what they've said.
Speaker A:Now remember, real change happens when you practice these skills one small step at a time.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, try it in your next conversation.
Speaker A:You might be surprised by what shifts.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app.
Speaker A:And if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
