For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Do you ever feel stuck in the same arguments, saying things you don’t mean and watching your relationship suffer? In this episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs introduces a simple, practical three-step process to help you transform conflict into connection.
If you’re tired of walking on eggshells or feeling like every disagreement turns into a battle, this episode offers a better way forward—one based on respect, empathy and shared solutions.
Key Takeaways:
Mindset matters: Entering a disagreement with a spirit of collaboration—rather than competition—sets the stage for real resolution.
Listening is deeper than hearing: Active listening means setting aside your defences and really tuning into your partner’s emotions and needs.
Solve the real problem together: Brainstorming without judgment helps uncover creative, win-win solutions that go beyond surface-level fixes.
Make it stick with action: Clear plans, shared accountability, and regular check-ins turn good intentions into lasting change.
Small shifts make a big difference: When both partners feel heard and valued, conflict becomes an opportunity—not a threat.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, I didn't mean for that to happen?
Speaker A:After another argument spirals out of control.
Speaker A:Maybe it started over something tiny.
Speaker A:The trash left out, a forgotten text, and suddenly you're both raising your voices and storming off to opposite sides of the house.
Speaker A:The silence that follows feels thick, still sad and heavy.
Speaker A:Every new fight just adds another crack, another heartache that takes longer to mend than the last.
Speaker A:Or maybe you found yourself lying awake at night replaying these same words, wishing you could take them back, and wishing you knew how to stop this exhausting pattern, but feeling trapped.
Speaker A:And the harder you try, the more hopeless it gets.
Speaker A:You don't want conflict to be the story of your relationship, but some days it's hard to see a way out.
Speaker A:If that hits home, you're not alone and you're not broken.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 43 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss a simple but powerful three step process to help you transform conflict in your relationship into an opportunity for connection, problem solving and a better relationship.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode too, where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever found yourself in one of those really heated discussions with your partner and you suddenly think, wait, how did we even get here again?
Speaker B:Or maybe there's, you know, a certain issue you want to bring up, but you just know it's probably going to end up in a shouting match.
Speaker B:If any of that sounds familiar, well, you're definitely in the right place today.
Speaker B:Disagreements, conflicts, misunderstandings, they're actually a totally normal part of any relationship.
Speaker B:Unavoidable, really.
Speaker B:But here's the crucial the way you handle these conflicts, that makes a huge difference to how happy you both are in the relationship.
Speaker B:So today we're doing a deep dive into exactly that how to solve problems with your partner.
Speaker B:Our mission here is to Unpack a simple but a really powerful three step process.
Speaker B:The idea is to help you resolve those relationship issues calmly, respectfully.
Speaker C:That's right.
Speaker C:And you know, while conflict itself is normal, it's baked into being human.
Speaker C:Especially in close relationships.
Speaker C:What really counts is how we respond when it pops up.
Speaker C:I mean, after decades working with couples on everything, different parenting styles, money issues, tensions with in laws, even just who does what chore, it's become crystal clear that there's a specific mindset you need before you even start trying to solve the problem.
Speaker C:Without this mindset, honestly, even the best techniques can just fall flat.
Speaker B:That's really interesting.
Speaker B:A mindset, not just a technique.
Speaker B:So when you've seen couples who do manage to tackle these tough disagreements successfully, what does that mindset actually look like?
Speaker B:Especially when things get heated?
Speaker B:Because, let's be real, it can feel more like a battleground sometimes.
Speaker C:Yeah, it can.
Speaker C:But the core of it, it boils down to a genuine willingness from both people involved, A willingness to find a resolution that genuinely works for both of them.
Speaker C:Think of it less like a debate club.
Speaker C:You know, where someone wins and someone loses.
Speaker C:It's more like you've got a shared puzzle you're trying to solve together.
Speaker C:And that needs an open mind.
Speaker C:It needs a readiness to negotiate fairly, not just stubbornly sticking to your guns or completely dismissing what your partner thinks or feels.
Speaker C:If you go into it just determined to get your way, well, you're pretty much setting yourself up for more drama, more conflict, not a solution.
Speaker C:This mindset, this willingness, it actually stops those endless draining arguments where nothing changes.
Speaker C:It's like the prerequisite for finding pe.
Speaker B:Ah, I see.
Speaker B:That shift immediately changes the whole dynamic, doesn't it?
Speaker B:You're not opponents anymore, your teammates trying to figure something out.
Speaker B:It sounds subtle, but that feels like a massive shift.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's say you've both managed to adopt that shared goal, that crucial mindset.
Speaker B:You're both willing.
Speaker B:Where do you actually start?
Speaker B:Because even with good intentions, sometimes it really feels like you're just talking past each other.
Speaker B:The LNC Method relies on that foundation.
Speaker C:Okay, so let's break it down.
Speaker C:Assuming you have two people willing to work together, step one is L for listen, Correct?
Speaker C:Now this sounds, well, obvious.
Speaker C:Maybe we all think we listen.
Speaker C:But is that really true in an argument?
Speaker B:Hmm.
Speaker B:That's the million dollar question, isn't it?
Speaker C:Because honestly, how often are you just waiting for your partner to stop talking so you can jump in with your point, your rebuttal?
Speaker B:All the time.
Speaker B:It's almost Instinctual.
Speaker B:Like you said, you're formulating your defense while they're still speaking.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:So what does real listening look like in this lnc.
Speaker C:Context?
Speaker B:It's about active, empathetic listening.
Speaker B:It means consciously setting aside your own agenda, your urge to be right just for a moment.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:Harder than it sounds.
Speaker B:It really is.
Speaker B:It's not pretending to listen while you're mentally polishing your counterargument.
Speaker B:It's engaging fully to understand their perspective, their world.
Speaker C:So not just the words they're saying.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Often, especially in conflict, we go into defense mode, where we hear what confirms our own story.
Speaker B:Or we're trying to predict their next move.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Let's take a classic example.
Speaker B:Alex and Ben fighting about chores, dishes.
Speaker B:Let's say Alex says you never do the dishes.
Speaker C:Pretty standard.
Speaker B:Standard listening just hears dishes.
Speaker B:But active lnc.
Speaker B:Listening tries to hear the feeling underneath.
Speaker B:Is Alex just mad about dishes?
Speaker C:Or maybe feeling unappreciated, overburdened?
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Maybe they feel unseen, like the effort is totally unbalanced.
Speaker B:And maybe Ben isn't just lazy.
Speaker B:Maybe Ben's exhausted from work, but hasn't said that.
Speaker C:Ah.
Speaker C:So it's about finding the why behind the what?
Speaker B:You got it.
Speaker B:It's about reflecting back what you hear, maybe even the feeling like, okay, so it sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed and maybe unseen because the dishes often fall to you.
Speaker C:Mm.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Or I hear that when the dishes pile up, it makes you feel like things are unfair, and that's frustrating.
Speaker B:Perfect.
Speaker B:And asking clarifying questions.
Speaker B:Can you tell me more about that?
Speaker B:Or what's the biggest impact this has on you?
Speaker C:So really taking the time, not rushing it.
Speaker B:Absolutely crucial.
Speaker B:Don't rush this step.
Speaker B:Both people need to feel genuinely heard and understood before you can even think about moving on.
Speaker B:Otherwise, you're just building on shaky ground.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:Makes total sense.
Speaker C:So assuming we've done that, we've both listened, we feel understood, we've maybe uncovered some deeper stuff.
Speaker C:What's next?
Speaker C:How do we actually start solving the problem?
Speaker B:That brings us to N for Negotiate.
Speaker C:Negotiate.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:This is where you work together to find a solution that's acceptable to both of you, but not by jumping straight to compromises where someone feels like they lost.
Speaker C:How then?
Speaker B:The key is brainstorming.
Speaker B:You throw out all possible solutions, every single idea, no matter how wild or silly it seems initially.
Speaker C:Like a total free for all of ideas.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Go back to Alex and Ben and the dishes they've listened to.
Speaker B:Alex gets Ben's exhaustion.
Speaker B:Ben gets Alex's feeling of Unfairness.
Speaker B:Now brainstorm.
Speaker C:Okay, give me some examples.
Speaker B:Could be anything.
Speaker B:Hire a cleaner, use paper plates.
Speaker B:Get a dishwasher.
Speaker B:Alternate who cooks and who cleans.
Speaker B:Do a 15 minute power clean together each night.
Speaker C:Wow.
Speaker C:Okay, so you're not judging the ideas at this stage?
Speaker B:Not at all.
Speaker B:Quantity over quality.
Speaker B:Initially, the more options you generate, the better the chance you'll find something that genuinely works for both of your underlying needs.
Speaker C:Needs?
Speaker C:Not just a surface problem.
Speaker C:Like dishes.
Speaker B:Precisely.
Speaker B:It shifts it from a me versus you battle to an us tackling this problem project.
Speaker B:It opens up possibilities you'd never see if you were just stuck in your own corners.
Speaker C:I like that.
Speaker C:Collaborative problem solving, not conflict.
Speaker B:That's the goal.
Speaker B:You're expanding the possibilities together.
Speaker C:Okay, so we've listened deeply, We've brainstormed like crazy.
Speaker C:Got a whole list of ideas.
Speaker C:Maybe some weird ones.
Speaker B:Hopefully some weird ones.
Speaker B:That means you're thinking outside the box right now.
Speaker C:How do we make it real?
Speaker C:How do we turn those ideas into action that actually sticks?
Speaker C:That leads us to see.
Speaker C:Choose and implement.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:This is the final step.
Speaker B:You look at your brainstorm list and together you choose an option or maybe combine a couple.
Speaker B:That genuinely feels like it could work for both of you.
Speaker C:So you pick one.
Speaker C:Then what?
Speaker C:Then you need a specific practical action plan.
Speaker C:This is critical.
Speaker C:It's not enough to just agree on an idea.
Speaker C:You need to flesh it out.
Speaker B:Meaning?
Speaker C:Meaning what exactly will happen?
Speaker C:Who does what by when?
Speaker C:Let's take Alex and Ben again.
Speaker C:They decide to try the split days idea.
Speaker C:Okay, the choose and implement plan needs details.
Speaker C:One, clarify.
Speaker C:Is it all dishes?
Speaker C:Just dinner dishes.
Speaker C:When do they need to be done by?
Speaker C:Say, 9pm Gotcha specifics.
Speaker C:Two, assign responsibility.
Speaker C:Clearly.
Speaker C:Three, and this is super important.
Speaker C:Build in.
Speaker C:Check ins.
Speaker B:Check ins.
Speaker B:Yeah, like, okay, let's check in on Friday night.
Speaker B:How is this actually working?
Speaker B:Are we both feeling better?
Speaker B:Is anything not working?
Speaker C:Oh, so it's not just set and forget.
Speaker C:You need to see if the solution is actually solving the feeling problem, not just the task problem.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Because sometimes the first attempt needs tweaking.
Speaker B:The check in allows you to adjust together without it turning back into a fight.
Speaker C:Okay, and you mentioned something interesting before.
Speaker C:That often neither person gets their initial desired outcome.
Speaker C:That sounds bad.
Speaker B:Oh huh.
Speaker B:It sounds counterintuitive.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But it's actually a sign of success.
Speaker C:How so?
Speaker B:Think about it.
Speaker B:When you first walk into a conflict, you usually haven't fully considered every angle or truly grasped your partner's deeper needs.
Speaker C:True.
Speaker C:You're mostly focused on your own Perspective.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But by going through the listen and negotiate steps properly, really understanding each other, brainstorming together, you both start to see the problem differently.
Speaker C:Your perspective shifts.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:You become open to solutions that just wouldn't have occurred to you alone.
Speaker B:It moves beyond my way or your way.
Speaker B:Precisely.
Speaker B:By discussing, listening, brainstorming before deciding, you give yourselves the best chance of finding the truly optimal solution for both of you.
Speaker B:Often, that shared solution is way better than either of your original ideas.
Speaker C:That's a really powerful insight.
Speaker C:It's not about compromise in the sense of losing something, but creating something better together.
Speaker B:You've nailed it.
Speaker B:It's evolving from individual wants to shared satisfaction.
Speaker C:Wow.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:This lnc method, Listen, Negotiate, choose and implement.
Speaker C:It really feels like a practical toolkit.
Speaker C:Not just for stopping arguments, but for actually building something healthier.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker B:It's about shifting the dynamic away from those endless draining cycles.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Preventing them from even starting sometimes.
Speaker C:Building that foundation of respect and collaboration.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And think about the bigger picture here.
Speaker C:Practicing these skills consistently, listening, negotiating, empathetically, following through.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It's not just about fixing one issue like the dishes is.
Speaker B:It's about building resilience into the relationship.
Speaker C:Itself, making the whole foundation stronger.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It embeds a pattern where collaboration becomes the default, not conflict.
Speaker B:Challenges become chances to connect more deeply, not reasons to pull apart.
Speaker B:It's a real investment in your future together.
Speaker C:That's a great way to frame it.
Speaker C:An investment.
Speaker B:Definitely.
Speaker C:So if you listening, are ready to, you know, really dive deeper into managing emotions, maybe controlling anger flares and building these kinds of calmer, happier relationships.
Speaker B:Which is what this is all about, fundamentally.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:Then we really recommend checking out the work of Alistair does.
Speaker B:Alistair is fantastic.
Speaker B:He's an anger expert.
Speaker B:Decades of experience over 30 years helped thousands of people.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Over 15,000 people master their anger and emotions.
Speaker C:He offers free training on how to control your anger, which is a great place to start.
Speaker B:It really is packed with practical stuff.
Speaker C:And you can also book a free anger assessment.
Speaker C:Call directly with Alistair to see how this might apply specifically to you.
Speaker C:Just head over to angersecrets.com that's a N-E-R secrets.com angersecrets.com definitely worth checking out for more tools and support on this journey.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode.
Speaker A:I hope you found this conversation with Jake and Sarah both helpful and empowering.
Speaker A:It takes real courage to explore how you handle conflict in your relationship.
Speaker A:So if you're here listening today, know that you're making an important step forward.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to reflect on some key ideas that Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:The Mindset sets the tone One of the most impactful ideas Jake and Sarah shared was the importance of stepping into conflict with a mindset of collaboration.
Speaker A:This means letting go of the idea that someone has to win the argument and instead working as a team to solve the shared problem.
Speaker A:This shift transforms relationship conflict into an opportunity for growth rather than a recurring battle.
Speaker C:2.
Speaker A:The power of Active Listening Listening isn't just about hearing words, it's about fully understanding the emotions and needs behind those words.
Speaker A:As Jake and Sarah explained, when you set aside your own agenda and truly tune in to what your partner is expressing, you diffuse tension and create a foundation of empathy.
Speaker A:It's a small change, but it can have a massive impact on trust and connection.
Speaker A:3.
Speaker A:Build creative solutions together Jake and Sarah also talked about brainstorming solutions without judgment.
Speaker A:By exploring all options big, small, and even unconventional, you and your partner can move from me versus you to us versus the problem.
Speaker A:This isn't just about resolving the issue at hand, it's about creating patterns of collaboration that strengthen your relationship.
Speaker A:Making it stick.
Speaker A:Finally, Jake and Sarah discussed how it's crucial to turn those solutions into actionable plans with clear steps, accountability and follow ups.
Speaker A:This ensures that the changes you're working on don't fall through the cracks and that both partners feel supported in the process.
Speaker A:Ok, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website angasecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angussecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
