For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Anger can feel powerful — but that surge of energy, those sharp words or slammed doors, are often doing more harm than good.
In this deeply important episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs and AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah reveal the truth: uncontrolled anger doesn’t solve problems — it creates them.
From subtle emotional abuse to devastating outbursts, this episode explores how anger chips away at trust and connection — and how you can reclaim real power through calm, clarity, and conscious choice.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger doesn’t work — it wounds: What feels powerful in the moment often damages your relationships and leaves you feeling regretful and isolated.
-Abuse comes in many forms: Uncontrolled anger can turn into verbal, emotional, or even physical patterns of abuse — even if it doesn’t look like “rage.”
-The illusion of control: Using anger to get what you want creates a false sense of power — real strength lies in calm, conscious responses.
-Unaddressed anger escalates: Left unchecked, anger tends to grow and multiply, creating destructive cycles that erode relationships and self-respect.
-You can choose a different path: Learning emotional awareness, empathy and communication gives you the tools to respond instead of react — and truly change your life.
-Change starts with a single decision: The choice to take back control of your reactions is the first step toward building healthier, more respectful relationships.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Anger can feel powerful.
Speaker A:That surge of energy when your voice gets louder, the slam of a door, the sharp words that silence the room for a moment.
Speaker A:It feels like control, like power.
Speaker A:But here's the sad truth.
Speaker A:That sense of power is a mirage.
Speaker A:Instead, every anger outburst chips away and at the very things you care about.
Speaker A:Trust, safety, respect, connection.
Speaker A:And instead of making you stronger, anger outbursts leave you feeling weaker, filled with regret, and surrounded by distance.
Speaker A:If you're here today, it means you already know that anger is having a negative effect on your life.
Speaker A:But the good news is there is a real power available to you.
Speaker A:It's the power to stay calm, to think clearly, and to speak in ways that build instead of break.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 49 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alastair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've enlisted the help of my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to share a simple but powerful truth about anger management.
Speaker A:That is that anger doesn't work.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode two, where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever found yourself, maybe in a moment of frustration, saying something or doing something that you just immediately regretted that awful feeling?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Oh, I wish I could just take that back.
Speaker B:Well, it's pretty common.
Speaker C:It really is.
Speaker C:Or perhaps you've been on the other side of that, on the receiving end of someone else's anger and felt the sting of really harsh words, or maybe that deeper hurt.
Speaker C:We're talking about situations where anger crosses a line, a really crucial one.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:And today, here on the deep dive, we're gonna, well, dive into that tough but essential topic.
Speaker B:We wanna understand what abuse and violence truly are, especially when they're fueled by uncontrolled anger.
Speaker C:It's often something people kind of shy away from, but talking about it is so vital for healing, for growth.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Our goal here is always to help you gain control over anger, manage emotions effectively, and ultimately build calmer happier relationships.
Speaker C:So maybe let's start by clarifying what we mean by abuse and violence in this context.
Speaker C:It's not always just physical acts, right?
Speaker C:It's broader than that, definitely.
Speaker C:When uncontrolled, anger is the driving force, we're looking at any consistent pattern of behavior, verbal, emotional, sometimes physical, that makes someone feel afraid, devalued, unsafe, or just.
Speaker B:Wears down their sense of who they are, their autonomy.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:It's when anger stops being just an emotion like sadness or frustration and becomes a tool.
Speaker C:A tool for control, for causing injury or just sustained harm.
Speaker B:That's a really key distinction, A pattern, not just a one off bad moment.
Speaker B:Those can be bad too.
Speaker B:And it's easy to see how those patterns might start small.
Speaker B:Think about it like a small frustration built up.
Speaker B:Yeah, a comment from your partner maybe feels like a jab, or your kids are just pushing all your buttons.
Speaker B:Or even that classic road rage thing, right?
Speaker B:Someone cuts you off.
Speaker B:Getting angry can feel so, well, natural in that split second.
Speaker B:Almost justified it can.
Speaker C:Like a reflex.
Speaker B:But what happens when that reflex spirals?
Speaker B:Have you ever noticed how easily that tiny spark can suddenly ignite into something, well, much bigger, Sometimes before you even.
Speaker C:Know what's happening, that connects directly to a really critical insight.
Speaker C:Something that comes from, you know, decades of working with folks struggling with this uncontrolled anger.
Speaker C:Even if it seems like it's just in small doses or isolated incidents, it can have absolutely devastating long term effects.
Speaker C:It's not just about the immediate blow up, it's the slow burn, the lasting damage it causes.
Speaker B:How does that usually show up?
Speaker C:Oh, it's in so many ways.
Speaker C:Often heartbreaking ways, really.
Speaker C:We see marriages, long term relationships just crumble under the weight of that constant conflict.
Speaker C:Careers get derailed, families get torn apart.
Speaker C:And it leaves these deep scars, sometimes across generations.
Speaker C:And often it stems from anger that wasn't really understood or managed effectively.
Speaker B:And the impact on the person on the receiving end.
Speaker B:It's got to be immense, not just a temporary upset.
Speaker C:Oh, not at all.
Speaker C:Think about the partners, the children, the parents, people subjected to verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, or even physical aggression by the very people they love and trust.
Speaker B:That emotional side too.
Speaker B:Yeah, it can be subtle sometimes, right?
Speaker C:Extremely subtle.
Speaker C:Emotional abuse isn't always shouting.
Speaker C:It can be that insidious gaslighting, making someone doubt their own reality.
Speaker B:Yeah, I've heard that term.
Speaker C:Or just constant criticism that slowly chips away at their self worth.
Speaker C:It's a form of control, often quieter, but just as destructive.
Speaker B:So it's really about the Lasting trauma.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:The deep seated trauma that anger, abuse or violence of any kind can inflict when it becomes a pattern.
Speaker C:That's the core of what we're defining today.
Speaker C:Anger.
Speaker C:Not just as a feeling, but as a destructive force.
Speaker C:When it's consistently out of control.
Speaker C:Understanding this is crucial.
Speaker B:Okay, so that leads to a big question, doesn't it?
Speaker B:If it's so destructive, why do we keep reaching for anger?
Speaker B:Why does it feel like the only tool?
Speaker B:Sometimes there seems to be this really powerful, but maybe misleading idea.
Speaker B:Like it's tempting to think, right.
Speaker B:If you just get angry enough, yeah, louder, maybe louder, more intense, that the other person will finally back down or they'll finally give you what you want.
Speaker B:You might even tell yourself, look, this is the only way they'll listen, the.
Speaker C:Only way to get my point across.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It feels like it gives you power in that moment, that rush of energy.
Speaker B:Maybe it'll just work this time.
Speaker B:But you're saying it's an illusion?
Speaker C:It absolutely is an illusion.
Speaker C:A very costly one.
Speaker C:And here's the fundamental truth, the thing that often gets missed.
Speaker C:Anger, no matter how powerful or justified it feels in the moment, it just doesn't work.
Speaker B:Doesn't work for getting positive results, you mean?
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:For achieving positive, lasting outcomes.
Speaker C:It won't help you deal with the situation effectively.
Speaker C:In fact, it almost always makes things worse.
Speaker B:So that feeling of power, it's fake?
Speaker C:Completely.
Speaker C:It's a mirage.
Speaker C:It actually strips you of your true power.
Speaker C:Your real power lies in your ability to think clearly, to communicate effectively, to stay calm, to maintain your integrity.
Speaker C:Anger takes that away.
Speaker B:So it's not just ineffective, it's actually counterproductive.
Speaker B:It sabotages what you really want, which is usually understanding a resolution precisely.
Speaker C:You're essentially trading that short term emotional heat for long term clarity and effectiveness.
Speaker C:And it's a bad trait.
Speaker B:How does it block that clarity?
Speaker C:When you're really angry, your brain chemistry changes.
Speaker C:You often shift into that fight or flight mode.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:And what that does is narrow your focus.
Speaker C:It makes it incredibly difficult to think rationally, to access empathy and, you know, see the other person's side or even.
Speaker B:Figure out what you really need yourself.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Or to articulate your needs without aggression.
Speaker C:It basically hinders your ability to connect, to truly hear someone else, or find a solution that actually works for everyone.
Speaker C:A solution that builds the relationship instead of tearing it down.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Anger almost always leads down a negative path.
Speaker C:Damaged relationships, actions you regret deeply, sometimes even physical harm.
Speaker C:And every single time it happens, each outburst of uncontrolled anger it chips away, it erodes trust, damages your own well being, and just lowers the quality of your connections with the people you care about.
Speaker C:It's a really heavy price for that temporary and ultimately false feeling of power.
Speaker B:That's a really powerful way to put it, that chipping away.
Speaker B:And I guess that temporary rush can almost feel addictive.
Speaker B:So people keep going back to it, even when it's clearly not working.
Speaker B:It becomes the default reaction.
Speaker C:It can become a habit, definitely a very destructive one.
Speaker B:So let's bring this back to you, the listener.
Speaker B:Think about those times you've lost your temper, maybe with a partner, your kids, people at work.
Speaker B:Honestly, ask yourself, how often did it actually lead to a good outcome, a.
Speaker C:Resolution you felt genuinely good about?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Or did it bring you closer?
Speaker B:For most of us, if we're really honest, the answer is probably rarely, if ever.
Speaker B:Reminds me of that saying, you know, but doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.
Speaker C:The definition of insanity.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And with anger, we can fall right into that trap, repeating these patterns, hoping things will magically change, even when all the evidence says they won't.
Speaker C:And that brings up a really crucial point.
Speaker C:If anger isn't consciously addressed, it doesn't just stay the same.
Speaker C:It often has this way of multiplying, getting worse over time.
Speaker C:It creates this destructive cycle that can feel, well, impossible to break out of.
Speaker B:So it escalates on its own.
Speaker C:It can, yeah, we've seen it so many times.
Speaker C:Individuals eventually realize, often after a lot of pain, that their anger wasn't helping them at all.
Speaker C:It was actually making things worse, isolating them.
Speaker B:What helps them see that?
Speaker C:Often it's hitting a kind of rock bottom.
Speaker C:But there's also this powerful shift that can happen when someone moves from just lashing out.
Speaker B:Reacting.
Speaker C:Reacting exactly.
Speaker C:To trying to understand why.
Speaker C:Why is the situation happening?
Speaker C:Or maybe why is the other person acting or speaking this way?
Speaker B:It's not about making excuses for them.
Speaker C:Though, not at all.
Speaker C:It's about gaining perspective.
Speaker C:Understanding the why puts you in a totally different frame of mind.
Speaker C:It's much more constructive.
Speaker C:It opens up space for, you know, emotional regulation, active listening, and breaks that cycle you mentioned.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It allows you to step out of that self defeating pattern, taking that step.
Speaker B:Back from the storm, seeing the bigger picture.
Speaker B:That feels incredibly hopeful actually, because it means we're not just, you know, victims of our anger.
Speaker B:We're not just swept away.
Speaker B:So here's what feels like the really empowering part.
Speaker B:Your anger doesn't have to define you.
Speaker B:It really doesn't.
Speaker B:No matter how long you've struggled with it or what your experiences have been, it is never too late to take control.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker B:To choose a different path.
Speaker B:You are not stuck.
Speaker C:That's the core message.
Speaker C:Learning to manage anger in healthier, more constructive ways.
Speaker C:It's a skill, and like any skill, it's something anyone can master.
Speaker B:It starts with a decision.
Speaker C:Then it fundamentally starts with a conscious, deliberate decision.
Speaker C:The decision to be in control of yourself, of your reactions, rather than letting anger grab the steering wheel and drive your behavior.
Speaker B:And it's not just about willpower, right?
Speaker B:There are actual strategies, yeah.
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker C:This isn't just wishful thinking.
Speaker C:It's a tangible path.
Speaker C:It involves learning specific strategies to manage anger, practicing them diligently, like really practicing, and committing to that change every single day.
Speaker C:It's not always easy.
Speaker C:It's not a quick fix, but it is entirely achievable with dedication.
Speaker B:And this comes from real world experience, doesn't it?
Speaker B:You mentioned Alistair's work earlier.
Speaker B:This system wasn't just invented in a lab.
Speaker C:No, not at all.
Speaker C:What's really interesting is how Alistair developed and honed this approach.
Speaker C:He started, gosh, over 30 years ago, running anger management groups.
Speaker C:Many of the men there were actually court ordered to attend because of violence towards their partners.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:So right in the thick of it.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:And he quickly noticed these recurring patterns, these common challenges.
Speaker C:A lot of individuals just didn't recognize the early warning signs, the physical cues, the thoughts that bubble up before the explosion.
Speaker B:They missed the yellow light, basically.
Speaker C:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker C:Went straight from green to red.
Speaker C:Others might notice the signs, but they just.
Speaker C:They lacked the practical tools.
Speaker C:They didn't know what to do with that rising anger constructively.
Speaker C:And another big thing, many had never learned how to express those deeper, more vulnerable emotions, things like hurt or sadness or feeling scared.
Speaker B:So they bottled it up, bottled it.
Speaker C:Up until inevitably it erupted as rage.
Speaker C:And almost across the board, basic communication skills were lacking.
Speaker C:Really struggling to listen with empathy or to express their own needs without resorting to aggression or blame.
Speaker B:So identifying those gaps was key.
Speaker C:It was crucial.
Speaker C:By meticulously identifying those patterns, Alistair built a comprehensive system.
Speaker C:It doesn't just try to put a lid on anger.
Speaker C:It addresses these root causes.
Speaker B:So it's more holistic, Much more.
Speaker C:It empowers people not just to control their anger, but to really master their emotions, improve their communication dramatically, and ultimately create those calmer, happier, more respectful relationships.
Speaker C:It's about building understanding and mutual respect.
Speaker C:It truly gives you the tools to make that conscious choice stick.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's Try and bring this all together We've taken a pretty deep dive today into how uncontrolled anger isn't just a bad mood, it can spiral into really devastating verbal, emotional and even.
Speaker C:Physical abuse with lasting, painful consequences.
Speaker B:And we've also unpacked how the that feeling, that anger gives you power.
Speaker B:It's really an illusion.
Speaker B:It actually strips you of your real influence, your ability to connect and solve problems effectively.
Speaker C:But, and this is the crucial takeaway, the good news, the really empowering truth is that you absolutely can break that cycle.
Speaker C:It really does start with making a conscious decision.
Speaker B:A deliberate choice.
Speaker C:A deliberate choice to take control of your emotions, to choose a different way forward, a path built on skill and understanding the not just knee jerk reactions.
Speaker B:So if you're listening and you feel ready to make that decision, ready to learn the specific tools and techniques, the ones developed over decades, that can truly transform your life and your relationships, we really encourage you to connect with Alistair Dues, the expert whose insights we've been sharing today.
Speaker C:You can get access to free training and there's also an opportunity to book a complimentary 30 minute anger assessment call.
Speaker B:Just visit Alistair's website.
Speaker B:It's angersecrets.com simple as that.
Speaker B:He really looks forward to helping you control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I really appreciate you taking the time to be here, and I hope this deep dive into the truth about anger and why it doesn't work gave you some new insights and maybe even a fresh perspective.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to highlight a few of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:Firstly, as Jake and Sarah shared, for many people, expressing anger crosses a line.
Speaker A:We all get angry.
Speaker A:That's part of being human.
Speaker A:But when anger isn't managed, it often slips into patterns of abuse or violence, sometimes loud and obvious, sometimes subtle and quiet.
Speaker A:Either way, the damage is real.
Speaker A:Noticing when anger starts turning from a feeling into a destructive pattern is the first step toward changing it.
Speaker A:Secondly, the power of anger is really an illusion.
Speaker A:Anger may feel strong in the moment, the raised voice, the cutting remark, the slammed door.
Speaker A:But that power doesn't last.
Speaker A:In fact, it leaves you weaker, full of regret, distanced from the people you care about, and often feeling ashamed.
Speaker A:Real power isn't in losing control.
Speaker A:It's in staying calm, clear and connected.
Speaker A:Thirdly, anger doesn't usually fade on its own.
Speaker A:Instead, it grows.
Speaker A:An anger outburst might feel isolated, but anger has a way of multiplying it builds patterns, erodes trust, and can ripple through families for years if left unchecked.
Speaker A:The good news is, cycles can be broken.
Speaker A:And when you choose to break them, you don't just change your own life, you change the future of everyone around you.
Speaker A:And finally, as Jake and Sarah showed, change begins with a conscious decision.
Speaker A:Managing anger isn't about willpower or trying harder.
Speaker A:It's about learning skills such as awareness, communication and empathy and practising them until they become second nature.
Speaker A:And it all begins with one choice.
Speaker A:The choice to take back control of your reactions instead of letting anger run the show.
Speaker A:So here's my encouragement for you.
Speaker A:Real change happens when you take even one of these ideas and try it in your everyday life.
Speaker A:If something today stood out to you, hold onto it, use it and see what shifts.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.com course to enroll in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger management podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
