For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
What happens when the people you love start to fear your reactions, even if you never raise your voice or hand? In this moving episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs sits down with Cameron, a husband and father whose journey into anger management began the night he saw fear in his daughter’s eyes.
What follows is a powerful story of self-awareness, humility and real transformation.
Key Takeaways:
–Emotional outbursts, no matter how rare, can deeply impact your loved ones, especially children.
-Anger management isn’t just for those who “lose control”. It’s for anyone who reacts in ways they later regret.
-Awareness of early warning signs of anger is a crucial step in changing reactive behavior.
-Small moments of calm, empathy and listening can start rebuilding trust in strained relationships.
-Change is hard but possible. Cameron likens his transformation to getting sober: difficult at first, but freeing.
-Emotional abuse doesn’t require physical violence. Just the presence of fear, instability or recurring tension.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Cameron never thought of himself as an angry man.
Speaker A:He wasn't violent.
Speaker A:He didn't often shout.
Speaker A:But one night, after a few sharp words, a frightened look from his daughter stopped him in his tracks.
Speaker A:In that moment, he saw himself becoming the very thing he swore he'd never be.
Speaker A:A scary father.
Speaker A:And he knew something had to change.
Speaker A:So if you've ever seen a look of fear in someone you love, this episode is for you.
Speaker A:Welcome to episode 53 of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dews, and For the last 30 years, I've helped over 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more respectful relationships.
Speaker A:Each week, together with my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, we explore the real anger management stories, insights, tips and tools that can help you control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:However, today's episode is a little different.
Speaker A:Instead of strategies or step by step techniques, I want to share a real story of anger management transformation.
Speaker A:Today's episode is the story of a man who had everything under control on the outside.
Speaker A:A happy family and a successful business, but was quietly losing control on the inside.
Speaker A:In fact, a single moment of guilt around his reaction to his daughter became the turning point that changed everything for him.
Speaker A:Cameron's story is powerful because it proves that no matter how long you've been reacting out of anger and no matter how deep your anger patterns run, change is absolutely possible.
Speaker A:With awareness, humility, and practice, you can rewrite your story too, and build a calmer, kinder, and more connected life.
Speaker A:Okay, without any further ado, let's dive into my conversation with Cameron.
Speaker B:And what brought you to this anger course?
Speaker C:The realization that I've been ignoring something for a long time.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Never really looked into what tools there might be available.
Speaker C:I've been to, I've done counseling before, but I've never really specifically focused on the terms anger management.
Speaker C:I always thought that was for folks that always just broke out into an uncontrollable rage.
Speaker C:I never really aligned anger management to the issues that I was dealing with.
Speaker C:I was stern and swore and scared my daughter during a conversation.
Speaker C:She got real quiet and physically retreated.
Speaker C:And I knew at that point it's the first time I'd done that during her and felt tremendous guilt by doing it.
Speaker C:Recognized patterns that I always wanted to break myself because I'd grown up in that kind of environment, never wanted to do that.
Speaker C:That was the first time that I had done it to my daughter.
Speaker C:Uh, and I had seen behavior that I never wanted to be identified as me.
Speaker C:And it's not the memory that I wanted to create.
Speaker C:That's not the environment that I wanted to create.
Speaker C:That's not the situation I ever wanted her to see or mimic or be a part of.
Speaker C:And I just started Googling, you know, what can I do?
Speaker C:And I came across your podcast, and I started listening.
Speaker C:And then, to be honest with you, it was the first time I really realized there was a tribe out there that sounded like me and looked like me and felt like me.
Speaker C:It's the first time I identified with something tactical and practical that I could actually identify.
Speaker C:And I just started listening.
Speaker B:Are you able to say a bit more about the effect of anger on either your daughter or your family, or just elaborate on that a little bit?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:So I am learning now that my understanding of how to handle frustrating situations, uncomfortable situations, just to get louder and to be more demanding and to attack or yell, that's a pattern of behavior that I'm now learning.
Speaker C:I just.
Speaker C:I always saw.
Speaker C:I mimic.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:That's how I always learned to address controversy.
Speaker C:And the impact on my home life has been an inconsistent level of happiness in the marriage.
Speaker C:There'd always been a yo yo effect where she would start to get closer, be trusting, become more vulnerable.
Speaker C:I'd react maybe once or twice a year, and that would push her away emotionally.
Speaker C:And then every time it happened over the years, it would be harder and take longer for her to come back to that point of vulnerability and trust.
Speaker C:And so it's.
Speaker C:It just got to a tipping point where I didn't see her actually coming back into that vulnerability and trust.
Speaker C:And that on top of the feelings that I had with that one particular episode, made me realize that there was a lot of repetitive behaviors.
Speaker C:There was a lot of things that even though I said I didn't want to do what I was doing, and the closeness and the ability for me to be someone that my wife specifically could trust and lean on and feel supported and cared by was going away because I was creating these instances that was causing her not to trust, to come back and to be vulnerable and lean on me.
Speaker C:So it's not a pattern I wanted to continue, and I didn't really understand how prevalent that was until I got into the course and started doing some of the exercises and started having some of the conversations and listening to the podcast.
Speaker C:And I told her the other night that it almost feels like I'm getting sober.
Speaker C:There's a cloud that's going away, like I'm peeling back a film that's been over me for a long time, and I'm starting to see things that I hadn't seen before and seeing perspectives and empathy that I hadn't experienced before.
Speaker C:And I just wish I'd done it 10, 20 years ago.
Speaker B:What kind of things are you seeing that you haven't seen before?
Speaker C:So one of the things that I learned early on was the early warning signs.
Speaker C:And just looking at how you're physically receiving information, how you are reacting mentally and physically, what your signs are, look at patterns.
Speaker C:And when I started doing that, and then I actually got my wife involved in that conversation and I said, take a look at my list.
Speaker C:Can you see anything else that should be added?
Speaker C:And she was able to add a couple things.
Speaker C:And the fact that she could actually add a couple things told me that this was definitely an issue that I had to get into.
Speaker C:But so that's the first thing.
Speaker C:And I've been trying to be more aware and attentive of how I'm receiving information.
Speaker C:I think one of the most powerful things that I heard in your lessons was you can't control the people.
Speaker C:You can only control yourself.
Speaker C:And it's how you receive information that matters.
Speaker C:There's a difference between being angry and acting out.
Speaker C:You can be angry and not act out.
Speaker C:It's that.
Speaker C:It's that scaling up through your reaction.
Speaker C:So I try to be really aware of that.
Speaker C:And the other thing I think I've been more tentative to is how other people are talking to me or with me in certain situations.
Speaker C:I'm trying to read body language a little bit more to see how they expect me to react and then how they're surprised when I don't react a certain way.
Speaker C:That's been eye opening for me as well.
Speaker B:Okay, and what are the old reactions you're trying to change?
Speaker B:What are the new reactions you're trying to foster?
Speaker C:I can give you two specific ones.
Speaker C:I was in the kitchen the other night, and my son was doing the dishes, and he dropped a bowl in the sink and it made a loud noise.
Speaker C:And he turned, his shoulders went up like a turtle.
Speaker C:And he looked at me and I said, it's just a bowl, buddy.
Speaker C:It's okay.
Speaker C:And he instantly relaxed.
Speaker C:But that told me all I needed to know right there.
Speaker C:Like, there had been a pattern of something that I didn't want to have happen.
Speaker C:His reaction was, get ready for a second trust.
Speaker C:And then my wife and I actually had a very difficult conversation the other night, and she was sharing with me feelings.
Speaker C:And I told you that it's been difficult for her to come back into that circle of trust, that elasticity gets worn out over time.
Speaker C:And I didn't realize just how far I had been worn out.
Speaker C:And she didn't know how to tell me her feelings.
Speaker C:And so she finally did.
Speaker C:And when I responded by empathetic listening and just being calm and trying to see things through her perspective and sharing what I heard and asking her if it was okay for me to ask her some more questions, she was really taken aback, surprised that the conversation didn't lead to an argument or raised voices or anything.
Speaker C:And she, she told me she was speechless.
Speaker C:And that was, that was interesting to hear because she had gone into it, even though she knew she had to communicate it to me.
Speaker C:She had gone into the conversation by thinking it was going to end up in the same old argument that we always have.
Speaker C:And that was.
Speaker C:Yeah, that was telling.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So she was obviously familiar with the old patterns and the effect on her of not responding the way you used.
Speaker C:To respond in business.
Speaker C:In my line of work, we look for examples of roi.
Speaker C:We look for short term gains, we look for ways of, as we call it, click and treat as rewarding behaviors with small instances of success.
Speaker C:And so I would say that this was certainly one of those moments where I had an instant return on investment, where that was a very pleasant response.
Speaker C:I could see a positive and surprising result in her that was certainly different than what she expected.
Speaker C:And so I'm building on those little moments.
Speaker C:I'm trying to remember those little moments, whether it's the sync to my son or the response from my wife, I'm trying to build on those and to remind myself that this isn't a short term thing.
Speaker C:This is an exercise in change in behavior and perception.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And attitude.
Speaker C:And I'm trying to change some of the things that I've relied on as a crutch through the years.
Speaker C:And it takes moments like that to be able to reinforce that it's worth doing.
Speaker B:Yeah, both examples are really powerful.
Speaker B:How did that conversation with your wife end up?
Speaker C:I'm going to say unremarkably, which is fantastic.
Speaker C:It just ended as if a conversation should.
Speaker C:There was no heightened anything.
Speaker C:It was just.
Speaker C:Honestly, I'm laughing because I think I had to run out the door and pick up our son and we just agreed to talk again later.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And so there was really no remarkable way that it ended, which I will tell you, I was pleasantly, pleasantly surprised.
Speaker B:And I'm sure it was a pleasant experience for your wife too.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:She would start to rebuild that trust with you Gradually.
Speaker B:Slowly, but gradually.
Speaker C:Yeah, that's what we hope.
Speaker C:That's me.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:How easy or hard for you was it to respond in that empathic way?
Speaker C:It was mentally hard because I felt like I was fighting myself.
Speaker C:I could see myself having tendencies of going back into very learned behaviors, and it was almost as if I was hovering above myself, watching to see what I would do.
Speaker C:But for me, that was a positive thing because it allowed me to know that I was paying attention to my reactions, how I was receiving information.
Speaker C:I was alert and aware of what I was doing while in the conversation.
Speaker C:And it's much like many things that you learn.
Speaker C:It's harder at the beginning, and then it becomes learned and instinctual.
Speaker C:But right now, I'm at the very beginning of trying to learn how to do something, whether it's playing piano or this.
Speaker C:It's difficult at the beginning.
Speaker C:It's hard, and that's how it felt.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:New schools take time.
Speaker B:Like you're saying, how long have you been in the course for?
Speaker C:But I think it's probably been about a month.
Speaker B:What do you think the most significant thing you've learned so far is?
Speaker C:The most powerful realization that I have come to learn and understand there's.
Speaker C:That there is no difference between violence and abuse.
Speaker C:So you don't need a physical aspect to be abusive.
Speaker C:And that's.
Speaker C:That was eye opening for me.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:And the relevance of that to your situation is.
Speaker C:So I always said I'd never touch somebody, I'd never hit somebody, I'd never act out.
Speaker C:I would never do that.
Speaker C:And for me, that was always my justification that I had it under control.
Speaker C:But what I'm learning now is that the impact of acting out and creating emotionally unstable environments and having the reactions that I've learned to do all my life is just as impactful in a negative way than actually having a physical reaction.
Speaker C:But I always.
Speaker C:In my mind, I always said, I never touch anybody, I'd never hit anybody.
Speaker C:I'd never do that.
Speaker C:So therefore, I'm okay.
Speaker C:And that's not true.
Speaker C:So that's really common.
Speaker B:And just the lack of distinction between abuse and violence is powerful for a lot of people.
Speaker B:Has anyone made any comments about changes that they've seen in news so far?
Speaker C:My wife has a couple times.
Speaker C:She told me in one of our conversations that she was speechless because she didn't know.
Speaker C:When I told her I was taking a course, she didn't really know what that meant.
Speaker C:She never said this out loud, but part of me thinks that it was just My way of trying to relieve pressure by saying, lady, look what I'm doing.
Speaker C:But I don't know that she understand the commitment or the mental change that would come from it.
Speaker C:So she said that she was speechless when she saw what I was doing and how I was churning.
Speaker C:And then another conversation that would have normally led to a repetitive cycle of loud voices and arguments was just an empathetic conversation.
Speaker C:And a soft and kind of normal tone and a caring and compassion kind of played the role rather than anger and tension and friction.
Speaker C:And she specifically mentioned that she was totally surprised, didn't even want to bring up a topic because she didn't want to have that be the end result.
Speaker C:The friction, the tension, all of the anger, the repetitive fighting.
Speaker C:There's a cycle that we've always gone through.
Speaker C:And because I broke that, she said out loud that it was a noticeable and a positive change.
Speaker B:And what are your comments about doing an online course?
Speaker C:So I think there's a number of benefits to an online course versus an in person course.
Speaker C:The first thing, for someone like me, I never really know what my schedule's going to be.
Speaker C:So the flexibility of doing this on my own time, I think is hugely beneficial.
Speaker C:Second, I don't know that in an in person course I would be able to reflect as much as I am in the moment.
Speaker C:Sometimes I can move through something quickly, sometimes I have to pause and spend more time with it and come back to it.
Speaker C:I don't know that the consistent pace of trying to keep up with everybody would have benefited me.
Speaker C:So I think that the convenience, the ability of personalizing it and going at my own pace is hugely beneficial, especially with something as intimate and emotional as this is, I don't think everyone can move through at the same pace.
Speaker C:I don't think everyone can move through the same pattern and experiences.
Speaker C:So the ability to do it by myself in my own convenience and take my time where I need to and speed up where I can, that's.
Speaker C:I think it's helpful.
Speaker B:It's very clear.
Speaker B:What would you say to someone else, perhaps who was in your situation like five or six weeks ago, thinking about doing this course, what would you say to that person?
Speaker C:I would say if you've ever doubted yourself in the ability of staying control in the moment, if you've ever seen that your actions has a negative impact on the people that are in your life, whether it be loved ones, family, friends, coworkers, if you've ever regretted the way that you react, if you've ever seen fear in someone's eyes, even though you've never touched them.
Speaker C:If you've ever felt that you are creating an unstable or emotionally unsound environment because of the way that you act, there's probably no gift greater to yourself for the ones that you care about than at least check it out.
Speaker C:The ability of recognizing that there are people just like you, that there is a simple and clear path to understanding what's happening, and then you can choose what you want to do about that.
Speaker C:But I think the lack of recognition that there was a simple and clear definition and people that looked and sounded and felt just like me was something that I wish I'd found 20 years ago.
Speaker A:Okay, firstly, I'd like to thank Cameron for his honesty and courage in sharing this interview with us.
Speaker A:It takes real strength to look at yourself, to see the fear or hurt in the eyes of someone you love, and to decide this stops with me.
Speaker A:That's not weakness.
Speaker A:That's the beginning of real change.
Speaker A:Cameron's story also reminds us that controlling anger isn't about perfection.
Speaker A:It's about awareness, responsibility, and consistent practice.
Speaker A:And the truth is, change can start with a single decision.
Speaker A:The decision to do things differently, to show up with empathy instead of anger, and to rebuild the trust that's been lost.
Speaker A:Now, if Cameron's story resonated with you, I want you to know that you don't have to figure this out on your own.
Speaker A:You can learn to control your anger.
Speaker A:You can rebuild your relationships, and you can create a calmer, happier and more connected life.
Speaker A:To begin this process, visit angersecrets.com and access my free training, Breaking the Anger Cycle.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to talk personally with me about your situation, you can book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me a private judgment free space to explore what's really going on and how to change it.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to take the next step, explore the complete anger management system, the same program Cameron used to transform his life and his family.
Speaker A:You'll find it@AngerSecrets.com course okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:The Day I Saw Fear in My Daughter's Eyes.
Speaker A:Cameron's story.
Speaker A:If this conversation moved you hit follow, share it with someone who needs to hear it and leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps others find this podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to hear right now.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control what others say or do, but you can always control how you respond.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lives.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker D:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
