For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Anger is a natural human emotion, but how you react to it matters a lot. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs dives into the differences between anger, abuse and violence.
Alastair explains that feeling angry doesn’t mean someone is abusive; it’s about how actions can impact others. Alastair also discusses how harmful behaviors that can stem from anger can be changed with awareness and effort.
Recognising patterns of abuse and violence is a brave first step toward healthier relationships and a calmer life. If you want to learn more about managing anger, this episode is a great starting point.
Key Takeaways:
- Anger is a natural human emotion, just like happiness or sadness.
- Recognising the difference between feeling anger and acting abusively is crucial for healthy relationships.
- Abuse is defined by patterns of behavior aimed at controlling or hurting someone, not just by feelings of anger.
- Both verbal and emotional abuse can cause long-lasting harm, sometimes even deeper than physical abuse.
- Understanding that anger can trigger harmful actions helps in learning to manage responses better.
- Growth in anger management starts with awareness, honesty and a commitment to change one’s harmful behaviors.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
I was just angry.
Speaker A:It's something many of us have told ourselves after moments we wish we could erase.
Speaker A:But what is anger exactly?
Speaker A:And how does it differ from abuse and violence?
Speaker A:And does this difference even matter?
Speaker A:In today's episode, you'll learn the answers to these questions, as well as the crucial difference between feeling anger, which is natural and human, and acting out in ways that cause lasting damage.
Speaker A:So if you've ever found yourself looking back, wondering, did I cross a line and not even realize it?
Speaker A:This episode is for you.
Speaker A:Because real strength isn't about pretending you don't get angry.
Speaker A:Real strength is about recognizing the moment when your anger could cause harm and choosing a better way.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 33 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women take control of their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, more loving relationships.
Speaker A:On this podcast, I combine that experience with the power of AI to bring you powerful, practical tools you can use right away to take back control of your life.
Speaker A:Today's topic is all about what anger, abuse and violence are.
Speaker A:And as always, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to take a deep dive into this super important topic.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode too, because after their conversation, I'll be back to wrap things up and share a few thoughts of my own, including how you can take the next step toward controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Alright, let's get into it.
Speaker A:Here's Jake and Sarah.
Speaker B:We've all been there, haven't we?
Speaker B:That feeling starts bubbling up inside.
Speaker B:Maybe it's just irritation and traffic or, you know, you get really frustrated with something and sometimes that feeling gets, well, pretty intense.
Speaker B:You might even start wondering, okay, is this just normal anger or is it, Is it turning into something else?
Speaker C:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker B:We hear these terms all the time, anger, abuse, violence.
Speaker B:And honestly, it can be kind of confusing to know where one stops and the next one starts.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:It's so easy for those lines to blur, especially, you know, when emotions are high.
Speaker C:But actually getting clear on what each term means and how they connect, that can really change how we see things, our relationships.
Speaker B:That's exactly what we're gonna dive into today.
Speaker B:We wanna look closely at anger itself.
Speaker B:Like, what is it?
Speaker B:Physically, emotionally, and then really unpack.
Speaker B:Abuse.
Speaker B:What does that actually mean?
Speaker B:What different kinds are there?
Speaker B:And how does violence fit into the picture?
Speaker B:It's all about getting a clearer handle on these ideas.
Speaker C:Okay?
Speaker C:So let's start with anger.
Speaker C:The basic stuff.
Speaker C:Think of it as just a core human emotion.
Speaker C:You know, like feeling happy or sad or scared.
Speaker C:Anger is right in there.
Speaker C:It's natural.
Speaker B:And it's not just mental, is it?
Speaker B:I know when I get really worked up, I can feel it physically.
Speaker B:My heart pounds.
Speaker B:Maybe I clench my jaw or fists without thinking.
Speaker C:You're spot on.
Speaker C:Those physical reactions are super common.
Speaker C:Increased heart rate, definitely getting flushed in the face.
Speaker C:Muscle tension, that tightening in your chest or jaw.
Speaker C:All pretty typical body responses.
Speaker C:When anger kicks in, you sometimes hear.
Speaker B:That anger can, like, serve a purpose.
Speaker B:Like it's a signal that something's not right.
Speaker B:May be unfair.
Speaker C:Well, that's the theory behind it.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:It's supposed to alert us to injustice or if someone's crossing a line or there's a threat, kind of like an internal alarm.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:But the real challenge is how we react to that alarm.
Speaker C:Because if it's not managed well, anger often leads to behaviors that aren't helpful.
Speaker C:Sometimes they're actually harmful.
Speaker B:Okay, got it.
Speaker B:So anger is this internal feeling, this emotion with physical stuff going on too.
Speaker B:Now let's shift to, well, a heavier word.
Speaker B:Abuse.
Speaker B:How do we define that?
Speaker C:Clearly, abuse is really any pattern of behavior where someone is trying to control or intimidate, manipulate or, you know, hurt someone else.
Speaker C:It's what someone does, not just how they feel.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:That's such an important difference.
Speaker B:You can feel incredibly angry.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But that doesn't automatically mean your actions are abusive.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker B:So what kind of actions count as abuse?
Speaker B:It's not just hitting someone, is it?
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely not.
Speaker C:Abuse has many faces.
Speaker C:There's verbal abuse.
Speaker C:That's the yelling, insults, name calling, belittling stuff.
Speaker C:Then you've got emotional abuse, which can be trickier to spot sometimes.
Speaker C:Things like manipulation, constant put downs, making someone doubt themselves.
Speaker C:That's often called gaslighting.
Speaker C:There's also psychological abuse, really, aimed at chipping away someone's self worth, their independence.
Speaker C:And then, yes, there's physical abuse, any unwanted physical contact intended to harm, and sexual abuse, which is any sexual act without consent.
Speaker B:And I can definitely see how anger could sometimes fuel those things.
Speaker B:Like someone gets furious and then they lash out with insults.
Speaker C:True.
Speaker C:Anger can be a trigger, definitely.
Speaker C:But it's so vital to remember feeling angry doesn't make someone abusive.
Speaker C:Lots of people feel intense anger and never act that way.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:And conversely, someone can be really controlling or manipulative.
Speaker C:Clearly abusive actions without seeming angry at all.
Speaker C:In that moment, their goal might just be control, not necessarily venting.
Speaker C:Anger.
Speaker B:Okay, so the pattern of actions really define abuse.
Speaker B:Now what about violence?
Speaker B:Where does that fit with abuse?
Speaker C:Well, from the perspective we're discussing here, abuse and violence are essentially seen as the same thing.
Speaker B:Really the same?
Speaker C:Fundamentally, yes.
Speaker C:Any behavior intended to control, intimidate, manipulate or hurt another person.
Speaker C:Think about it like whether the hurt comes from fists, from words, the goal behind it.
Speaker C:That power and control aspect is often identical.
Speaker B:That actually makes a lot of sense when you frame it that way, especially thinking about the impact.
Speaker B:You hear people say emotional scars can last way longer than physical ones.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Think about childhood stuff.
Speaker C:So many adults look back and remember maybe physical discipline, but also the yelling, the constant criticism, the threats, what we now call verbal or emotional abuse.
Speaker C:And often when they think about what stuck with them, what did the deeper damage, it's usually those emotional wounds, the stuff that hit their self esteem, their trust.
Speaker B:So even without physical hitting, if someone's consistently using words or actions to control or belittle someone, that's being viewed as violence here.
Speaker B:Because the harm, the impact can be just as severe.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:And look, we get it.
Speaker C:If you've maybe raised your voice or said harsh things, behaviors that fall under verbal or emotional abuse, calling it violence might feel jarring.
Speaker C:You might think, I'd never hit anyone.
Speaker B:Yeah, that probably feels like a big leap for some people.
Speaker C:It can.
Speaker C:But it's so important to consider the impact of those non physical actions.
Speaker C:They can be incredibly damaging.
Speaker C:They wear people down, create fear, destroy self worth.
Speaker C:The long term effects can be just as bad, if not worse sometimes than physical harm.
Speaker C:Recognizing that potential for deep harm is.
Speaker C:Well, it's a really crucial step.
Speaker B:So it sounds like really being honest with ourselves about our own behavior, even the non physical stuff, is step one.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:If you look at your actions and see patterns that are controlling, intimidating, hurtful, taking responsibility for that, that's the first and honestly the bravest step.
Speaker B:It's not about shame then.
Speaker C:No, it's not about labeling yourself bad.
Speaker C:It's about acknowledging the effect your actions have had and deciding you want to change that.
Speaker C:These are often learned patterns, you know, things we picked up somewhere.
Speaker C:And anything learned can be unlearned.
Speaker C:Getting help to understand and change isn't weakness, it's strength.
Speaker C:It shows you're committed to healthier ways of relating.
Speaker B:Okay, so pulling this all anger, it's an emotion, a feeling, abuse, that's a pattern of actions meant to harm or control.
Speaker B:And it comes in different forms, verbal, emotional, et cetera.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And violence really encompasses abuse because the intent and the Potential for deep harm, whether physical or emotional, are fundamentally the same.
Speaker B:Understanding these differences, it's just so vital for healthier relationships, healthier selves.
Speaker C:That sums it up nicely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:And you know, if listening to this has struck a chord with you, maybe you're wondering more about managing your own anger better, building more positive connections.
Speaker C:There are ways to get support.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:For anyone who wants to learn more, maybe get some practical tools for handling anger constructively and creating better relationships, we really Suggest checking out angersecrets.com you can find some great resources there, including free training focused on anger control and mastering your emotions.
Speaker B:It's a really good starting point if you're ready to make some positive changes.
Speaker C:And just remember this final thought.
Speaker C:You really can't control other people, what they do or feel, but you absolutely can control yourself, your own actions, your own responses.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into understanding anger, abuse and violence helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to quickly go over some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:First, Jake and Sarah talked about what anger really is, a natural human emotion, just like happiness or sadness.
Speaker A:So anger itself isn't the problem, it's how you respond to it that matters.
Speaker A:And learning to manage that response can make all the difference in your relationships and your life.
Speaker A:Second, Jake and Sarah unpacked the real definition of abuse.
Speaker A:Not just a feeling of anger, but a pattern of actions aimed at controlling, intimidating, or hurting someone else.
Speaker A:Recognizing that difference is crucial because feeling anger doesn't make you abusive.
Speaker A:It's how you act on it that counts.
Speaker A:Third, Jake and Sarah explored how abuse and violence are basically the same thing, and how harm isn't always physical.
Speaker A:Words control, emotional manipulation.
Speaker A:These can leave wounds just as deep as physical harm, sometimes even deeper.
Speaker A:Understanding this helps us take greater responsibility for the impact we have on the people around us.
Speaker A:And finally, Jake and Sarah reminded us that recognizing harmful patterns and choosing to change them isn't weakness, it's strength.
Speaker A:These patterns are often learned, and anything learned can be unlearned.
Speaker A:Growth starts with awareness, honesty, and a commitment to doing better.
Speaker A:Remember, real change doesn't happen just by listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it, try it.
Speaker A:See what shifts.
Speaker A:Okay, if this episode was useful to you in any way, I'd love it if you'd follow the podcast and leave a quick rating or review.
Speaker A:It really helps others find this show and get the support they need too.
Speaker A:And if you want to take the next step in your anger management journey, I've got some free resources waiting for you.
Speaker A:Head over to angersecrets.com for a free training or to book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:Or if you're ready to address your anger issues right now, check out angersecrets.com course to jump into my powerful online program, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:It's the same system I've used to help over 15,000 people take control of their anger and it will help you too.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today.
Speaker A:Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:See you next time.
Speaker D:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
