For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
If you’ve ever said, “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again,” but found yourself losing your temper anyway — this episode is for you. Anger expert Alastair Duhs, with help from AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, unpacks why anger keeps hijacking your reactions despite your best intentions.
You’ll learn how to break the anger cycle not with willpower alone, but with awareness, skill and support — so you can finally start living the change you keep promising.
Key Takeaways:
Anger doesn’t appear out of nowhere — it builds. Learning to spot your early warning signs of anger (like clenched jaws, fast breathing, or racing thoughts) gives you the power to intervene before things escalate.
Most people wait too long to act. By recognising anger early and using tools like deep breathing or taking space, you give yourself the pause needed to stay in control.
Positive self-talk can de-escalate intense emotions. Replacing unhelpful thoughts like “I can’t handle this” with “I can stay calm and in control” helps shift your emotional state in the moment.
Underlying beliefs shape your anger patterns. Beliefs like “I must be right” or “life should be fair” often drive repeat anger episodes — challenging and changing these can lead to lasting transformation.
You don’t need perfection — just practice. Small, consistent changes can profoundly improve how you handle anger and how safe your relationships feel.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
You've said it many times before.
Speaker A:Perhaps it was after the yelling stopped, or after you slammed the door, or after the silence that stretched on too long.
Speaker A:You looked at them, the fear, the hurt in their eyes, and you meant it when you said, I'm sorry.
Speaker A:I'll do better.
Speaker A:It won't happen again.
Speaker A:But then it did.
Speaker A:Not because you don't care.
Speaker A:And not because you're a bad person, but because no one ever taught you how to stop the anger cycle or how to catch the anger before it takes over.
Speaker A:If that's you know that you're not broken and you're not alone.
Speaker A:In this episode, we unpack the real reason why anger keeps winning and what you can do, starting today, to change that.
Speaker A:Because controlling your anger isn't just about willpower.
Speaker A:It's about awareness, skill, and support.
Speaker A:And if you're listening now, this could be the conversation that helps you finally stop saying, I'll do better and start living it.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 39 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alastair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss how to break the anger cycle once and for all.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to control your anger, master your emotions, and create a calmer, happier, and more loving relationship once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Are you tired of, you know, losing your temper, especially with the people you love most?
Speaker B:Do you feel angry and stressed out maybe more often than you'd really like?
Speaker B:And are you just sick and tired of saying, okay, this is this time, it's different, it won't happen again.
Speaker B:But deep down, you kind of know.
Speaker B:You've said that before, many times.
Speaker C:Look, if you answered yes or even maybe to any of that, then you're definitely in the right place.
Speaker C:Today, our mission here in this deep dive is really to explore some practical, actionable steps, stuff you can actually use to help you gain a real sense of control over your Anger and, well, manage your emotions more effectively.
Speaker B:And I think it's really important we say this up front.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:The goal isn't to, like, eliminate anger completely.
Speaker B:That's not realistic or even helpful, really.
Speaker C:No, absolutely not.
Speaker C:Anger is a normal human emotion.
Speaker C:It actually serves a purpose, believe it or not.
Speaker C:The real goal here is learning how to manage it so it doesn't just take over your life, you know, or damage those really important relationships.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:We want to sort of transform anger, right, from this destructive thing that feels out of control.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's more like a signal.
Speaker B:Something that tells you, hey, maybe there's something here to look at.
Speaker B:Something for growth or change.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:Enhancing relationships, not harming them.
Speaker C:That's the aim.
Speaker C:So you ready to jump into some powerful strategies?
Speaker B:I am definitely ready.
Speaker B:Let's do it.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:First off, that feeling when anger seems to just erupt, Very common.
Speaker B:Like one minute you're fine doing your thing, and the next, boom, you're about to explode.
Speaker B:It feels so sudden.
Speaker B:Where does that even come from?
Speaker C:Well, it feels like it comes from nowhere.
Speaker C:But here's what we find.
Speaker C:It rarely actually does.
Speaker C:There are usually, almost always these subtle signs, tiny little clues that pop up just before the anger really takes hold.
Speaker C:And recognizing these signs, these early warning signs, that's the absolute crucial first step to getting back in the driver's seat.
Speaker B:Taking back control.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It's like your body's own little alarm system trying to wave a flag before things get well out of hand.
Speaker B:Okay, so what are these early warning signs?
Speaker B:What should you actually be looking out for?
Speaker B:Give us some examples.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So they can be really varied and they fall into a few buckets.
Speaker C:Physical, behavioral, mental and emotional clues that tell you anger is building.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Physically, you might feel, say, tension creeping into your shoulders or neck.
Speaker C:Maybe you clench your jaw without realizing it.
Speaker C:Or your fists tighten up the clenched jaw.
Speaker B:I know that one.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Or your heart rate speeds up.
Speaker C:Maybe you feel a bit flushed or hot.
Speaker C:Behaviorally, maybe your voice gets louder or sharper.
Speaker C:You might start pacing or maybe snap at someone unintentionally.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes sense.
Speaker B:Physical, behavioral, what else?
Speaker C:Then there are the mental signs.
Speaker C:Like your thoughts start racing.
Speaker C:Maybe replaying something frustrating over and over.
Speaker B:Yeah, the loop.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Or you start having really negative thoughts, maybe jumping to conclusions.
Speaker C:Some people describe it as tunnel vision, where you can only see the thing that's making you angry.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:You lose perspective.
Speaker C:You do.
Speaker C:And emotionally, it might just start as feeling irritable, like just a general low level annoyance that colors everything.
Speaker C:The key thing Here is that these signs are personal.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker C:Your pattern might be different from someone else's.
Speaker C:It's about learning your specific signals.
Speaker B:Okay, so you spot your sign.
Speaker B:Maybe it's the jaw clenching or that irritable feeling starts, you've caught it early.
Speaker B:What's the next move?
Speaker B:What do you do before it escalates?
Speaker C:Great question.
Speaker C:Because that early intervention is, well, everything.
Speaker C:Once you recognize that sign, you've got this little window.
Speaker B:A chance to act.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And one of the quickest, most effective things is simply to breathe.
Speaker C:Just taking a few slow, deep breaths, really breathing down into your belly, can physically calm your nervous system.
Speaker C:It's incredibly powerful.
Speaker C:Another thing is creating distance.
Speaker C:Physically or mentally.
Speaker C:Maybe you literally step away from the situation for a moment, go to another room, step outside for some air.
Speaker B:Yeah, just changing the scenery can help sometimes.
Speaker C:It really can.
Speaker C:It creates space, lets your mind reset a bit.
Speaker C:And if you notice those negative thoughts starting to spin up, the internal chatter.
Speaker C:Yeah, that loud, angry voice in your head, acknowledge it.
Speaker C:But then consciously try to shift focus, pivot towards something more constructive or even just neutral for a moment.
Speaker B:So you're not ignoring the problem, but you're not feeding the fire either.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:You're interrupting the pattern.
Speaker C:That pause, that conscious shift, it's incredibly empowering.
Speaker C:It puts you back in control.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:So you've spotted the signs.
Speaker B:Maybe done some deep breathing, created some space.
Speaker B:But what about that internal battle?
Speaker B:You know, when your mind is just racing with negativity, telling you all the reasons you should be angry, making everything feel worse?
Speaker B:You mentioned shifting thoughts, but how does that work?
Speaker B:Can the words you say to yourself actually like, turn down the heat?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:This brings us to our next strategy, using positive self talk.
Speaker C:And yes, it can genuinely turn down the emotional heat.
Speaker C:It's a really effective way to challenge and importantly, reframe those distorted thoughts that often fuel anger.
Speaker B:Distorted thoughts?
Speaker C:Yeah, the ones that aren't in entirely accurate or helpful.
Speaker C:Instead of letting those run the show.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Positive self talk means you actively choose to focus on more helpful, constructive and, well, positive alternatives.
Speaker C:You're basically rewriting the script in your head in real time.
Speaker B:Okay, but give me some real examples.
Speaker B:Like if I'm feeling overwhelmed and thinking, I just can't handle this, what's the positive self talk version?
Speaker C:Good question.
Speaker C:So instead of I can't handle this, you might consciously tell yourself, I can stay calm and in control here, or maybe I can get through this moment.
Speaker C:See the shift?
Speaker B:Yeah, it's more empowering, less helpless.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Or let's say your thought is, this always happens to me.
Speaker C:It's so unfair.
Speaker C:You could shift that to, okay, this is challenging, but I will find a way to work through it.
Speaker C:Or even just, this situation is temporary.
Speaker B:So it's not about pretending everything is perfect.
Speaker C:Not at all.
Speaker B:But about choosing a more constructive perspective.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:Other useful phrases could be things like, I don't need to react right now.
Speaker C:That buys you time.
Speaker C:Or simply, I will stay calm.
Speaker C:It's like giving yourself a gentle command.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:Even just reminding yourself, take a deep breath, relax, or things will be okay.
Speaker C:It sounds simple, but consistently using these phrases helps you stay grounded, stay in control.
Speaker C:It takes practice, for sure.
Speaker B:Like building a muscle.
Speaker C:Exactly like building a muscle, your brain learns the new pattern.
Speaker B:Okay, this is fascinating.
Speaker B:We've got awareness of the signs.
Speaker B:We've got using positive self talk to intervene.
Speaker B:But sometimes anger feels deeper, doesn't it?
Speaker B:Like it keeps cropping up in the same kinds of situations, almost on repeat.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:Like it's programmed somehow.
Speaker B:You mentioned it's not just what happens, but our thoughts about what happens.
Speaker B:Can we dig into that more?
Speaker B:What's driving those repetitive patterns?
Speaker C:This is where we get to the real root of it for many people, because you're right, anger isn't just about the event itself.
Speaker C:It's fundamentally about our interpretation of the event.
Speaker B:Our thoughts.
Speaker C:Our thoughts, exactly.
Speaker C:And those thoughts, they don't come from nowhere either.
Speaker C:They're shaped by our deeper, often unconscious beliefs and values.
Speaker C:These are the programs or invisible scripts running in the background.
Speaker B:Okay, so it's like the event happens.
Speaker B:We filter it through these underlying beliefs, and that generates the angry thought and feeling.
Speaker C:You've got it.
Speaker C:It's the meaning we assign based on our beliefs that truly creates the anger.
Speaker B:Can you give us some examples of these common underlying beliefs, the ones that tend to, you know, feed the anger?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:There are several common ones that we see again and again.
Speaker C:One big one is the belief I must be right.
Speaker B:Ooh, yeah, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?
Speaker C:If you believe you absolutely have to be right, then any disagreement or challenge feels like a major threat, triggering anger.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It becomes personal.
Speaker C:Very personal.
Speaker C:Another one is others must treat me a certain way.
Speaker C:This sets up rigid expectations when people inevitably don't meet them.
Speaker C:Boom.
Speaker C:Frustration, anger.
Speaker C:Then there's, I have to be perfect.
Speaker C:This can lead to intense anger at yourself when you mess up, or at others for not meeting your impossible standards.
Speaker B:Perfectionism is an anger trigger.
Speaker B:Makes sense.
Speaker C:Definitely.
Speaker C:And the old classic, if someone hurts me, I must hurt them back.
Speaker C:That sort of tit for tat thinking keeps anger cycles going.
Speaker B:Revenge instinct?
Speaker C:Kind of.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And even seemingly harmless beliefs like life should be fair.
Speaker C:Well, life often isn't fair, is it?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:So that belief can be a constant source of frustration and bitterness when things don't go as they should.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Okay, so identifying these beliefs is one thing, but they feel so deep, so ingrained.
Speaker B:How do you actually go about changing a core belief like I must be right or life should be fair?
Speaker B:That sounds hard.
Speaker C:It is a process, no doubt about it.
Speaker C:It takes conscious, consistent effort.
Speaker C:It doesn't happen overnight, but it's absolutely possible.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker C:It starts with identifying the specific belief that's tripping you up.
Speaker C:Then you actively challenge it and you work on replacing it with a more helpful, more flexible alternative.
Speaker B:So like for I must be right, what's the replacement?
Speaker C:A more useful belief might be something like, it's okay if I'm not right about everything, I can learn from others or I don't have all the answers and that's fine.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:That feels lighter.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Left pressure.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It lowers the stakes.
Speaker C:Disagreement is no longer a battle for your core identity.
Speaker C:Or take if someone hurts me, I must hurt them back.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:A more helpful belief could be I can choose to forgive for my own peace or responding with anger won't actually make me feel better in the long run.
Speaker B:Choosing peace over payback.
Speaker C:Essentially, yes.
Speaker C:It's about reclaiming your emotional energy.
Speaker C:The main thing to remember is this takes time.
Speaker C:It's a practice of self awareness, challenging those old thoughts and reinforcing the new, more helpful beliefs.
Speaker C:But doing this work is truly key to lasting change in how you manage anger.
Speaker C:It's about taking back that deeper level of control.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's quickly recap these really powerful strategies.
Speaker B:We've just walked through three key things you can start doing.
Speaker B:First, becoming aware of your own early warning signs.
Speaker B:Those little physical, mental, emotional clues that anger is starting to bubble up.
Speaker B:Catching it early gives you that vital chance to intervene.
Speaker C:Crucial window.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Second, actively using positive self talk, challenging those negative angry thoughts and deliberately replacing them with calmer, more constructive ones to de escalate the feeling.
Speaker C:Changing that internal narrative.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:And third, digging a bit deeper to identify the underlying beliefs that might be fueling your anger patterns.
Speaker B:Beliefs like I must be right or life should be fair and starting the process of challenging and replacing them with more helpful ones.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:These strategies together offer a really practical path forward.
Speaker C:Not just coping with anger, but really taking control and channeling that energy more productively.
Speaker B:So if you're listening and feeling like, okay, I'm ready to really work on this, what's the next step?
Speaker B:Where can people find more support?
Speaker C:Yeah, if you're ready to dive deeper, I highly recommend checking out Alistair's website.
Speaker C:It's absolutely angersecrets.com angersecrets.com it's a fantastic resource, truly.
Speaker C:There's loads of support there to help you on this journey.
Speaker C:You'll find free training with even more tips and tools we didn't even get to today.
Speaker C:Great and really valuable.
Speaker C:You can also book a free anger assessment call.
Speaker C:It's a chance to talk about your specific situation and get some personalized guidance.
Speaker B:A free assessment call?
Speaker B:That sounds incredibly helpful.
Speaker C:It really is.
Speaker C:Remember getting a handle on your emotions, creating those calmer, happier, more respectful relationships.
Speaker C:Relationships.
Speaker C:It is absolutely possible.
Speaker C:These resources can genuinely help you transform things.
Speaker B:It's definitely a journey worth taking for your own peace and for everyone around you.
Speaker C:It truly is.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into understanding and interrupting the anger cycle both helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a quick moment to go over some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:Because these insights can really change the game if you're struggling to stay calm in moments that matter most.
Speaker A:Firstly, as Jake and Sarah shared, anger doesn't come out of nowhere.
Speaker A:There's always a build up, a pattern of tension, unspoken frustration, or unhelpful thoughts that lead up to those blow up moments.
Speaker A:The more aware you become of your own tension scale, the more control you'll have.
Speaker A:Because once you can catch anger early, you can choose a different response.
Speaker A:Secondly, most of us wait too long to intervene.
Speaker A:We tell ourselves we're fine until we're absolutely not.
Speaker A:But learning to notice the early warning signs of anger, that tightness in your chest, your tone shifting, your thoughts, becoming more blameful, gives you the power to stop things before they spiral.
Speaker A:Third, stopping anger isn't about stuffing it down, it's about learning new tools.
Speaker A:Things like pausing to breathe, naming what you're feeling, or even removing yourself from a heated situation for just a minute.
Speaker A:These aren't signs of weakness, they're signs of emotional maturity.
Speaker A:And finally, know that you don't have to be perfect, just consistent.
Speaker A:Even one small shift practiced regularly can create massive change over time.
Speaker A:Not just in how you manage anger, but in how safe and connected your relationships feel.
Speaker A:And remember, real change doesn't happen just by listening it happens when you start applying even one or two of these ideas in your daily life.
Speaker A:So if something resonated with you today, don't let it slip by.
Speaker A:Try it, test it, practice it, and see what shifts.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
