For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Do you ever feel like your anger explodes out of nowhere? In this transformative episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs dives deep into why anger often feels instant and uncontrollable.
Through powerful insights and practical tools, you’ll learn how to spot hidden tension, unlearn old habits and stay calm even in the most stressful moments.
Key Takeaways:
–Your anger isn’t sudden—it’s the result of hidden tension building throughout the day.
-Simple body cues like tight jaws and shallow breathing can help you spot anger early.
-Anger is often a learned habit, not a fixed personality trait—and habits can be changed.
-Cognitive reframing lets you swap out explosive thoughts for calmer, more helpful ones.
-Even in a heated moment, your brain has time to choose a new response—if you train it to.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking the Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Picture you walk through the front door after a long day.
Speaker A:Nothing dramatic has happened, just the constant hum of pressure you face every day.
Speaker A:You're barely through the hallway when it happens.
Speaker A:A jacket on the chair, a tone that lands wrong, a question you weren't ready for.
Speaker A:And before you even register the moment, something inside you erupts.
Speaker A:Your voice is sharper, your body's hotter.
Speaker A:Your patience is gone in an instant.
Speaker A:And afterward, when the dust settles, you hear yourself think the same familiar why do I go from calm to furious so fast?
Speaker A:And what's wrong with me?
Speaker A:If you've ever felt that, you're not alone, and in today's episode, I'll take you beneath that quick explosion into the stored up stress.
Speaker A:You don't notice the patterns you learned long before adulthood and the lightning fast meaning your brain assigns in the heat of the moment.
Speaker A:By the end of this conversation, you'll understand why your anger isn't as sudden as it feels.
Speaker A:Welcome to episode 63 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and For the last 30 years I've helped over 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more respectful relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, together with my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help you control anger once and for all.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I've asked Jake and Sarah to take a deep dive into why anger can feel so fast and explore the hidden build up beneath your reactions, the early signals your body sends you, and the simple shifts that can help you slow everything down before it reaches boiling point.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker B:Are you tired of losing your temper with the people you love?
Speaker C:You know that feeling where you say something and immediately wish you could just take it back?
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Or you feel angry and stressed way more often than you'd like.
Speaker B:You keep telling yourself, okay, it will never happen again.
Speaker B:But you know, you've said that before so many times.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So today we're doing a deep dive into that central question, why do I get angry so fast?
Speaker B:It's that feeling, that frustration when anger seems to come out of absolutely nowhere.
Speaker C:It's one of the most common things we hear, that feeling of snapping before you even know what's happening.
Speaker C:But here's the thing.
Speaker C:It's not random.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:There are clear, understandable reasons why this happens, and just understanding them is honestly the first huge step toward getting Control.
Speaker C:We're going to explore three of the main reasons today.
Speaker B:Okay, let's get into it.
Speaker B:The first one is.
Speaker B:Well, it seems simple, but it's massive.
Speaker B:The idea that we are just completely unaware of the buildup.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:The baseline problem, we could call it.
Speaker C:You think you're having a perfectly fine day.
Speaker C:You're at a zero, everything's calm.
Speaker C:And then you walk in the door, I don't know, a jacket draped over a chair, and suddenly you're shouting.
Speaker C:The reaction is huge, totally out of proportion to the trigger.
Speaker B:And the whole time the story in your head is, I was fine two seconds ago, and now I'm furious.
Speaker B:But you're saying you were never actually fine to begin with.
Speaker C:You were never at zero.
Speaker C:Almost always there's this cumulative buildup of stress or frustration that's been quietly mounting for hours, maybe days.
Speaker B:So if you miss those little warning signs, the jacket on the chair looks like the only cause.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And that's what makes the anger feel so instantaneous.
Speaker B:Okay, so this brings us to a really practical tool for this.
Speaker B:The tension scale.
Speaker B:I know people have heard of it, but let's break down how you can actually use it.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:The tension scale is just a simple way to, you know, check in with yourself.
Speaker C:It runs from 0 to 10.
Speaker C:0 is total calm, 10 is.
Speaker C:Well, you're at maximum, overwhelming tension like.
Speaker B:You'Re about to blow.
Speaker C:And the key insight here is that your tension level naturally goes up and down all day.
Speaker B:So let's say I had a horrible commute, then a really tough meeting at work, and I had to skip lunch.
Speaker B:Then I might think I'm starting my evening at a zero.
Speaker B:But where am I really?
Speaker C:You're probably already at a 6 or a 7.
Speaker C:And that's the baseline problem.
Speaker C:People who feel they snap quickly have basically stopped checking in with their own tension level.
Speaker B:So the jacket isn't a 0 to 10 reaction?
Speaker C:No, it's a 7 to 10 reaction.
Speaker C:And that takes way less energy, way less of a push.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes perfect sense.
Speaker B:But here's the if I'm already at a 6 or 7, I'm stressed, I'm not thinking clearly.
Speaker B:How do I remember to stop and, you know, rationally check a scale?
Speaker C:That's a really good point.
Speaker C:And the answer is, you don't make it a mental exercise.
Speaker C:You make it physical.
Speaker C:You don't need a spreadsheet.
Speaker C:You just need to be aware of your own body.
Speaker B:What are we looking for?
Speaker B:What are the tells?
Speaker C:Track three simple things.
Speaker C:First, your jaw, is it clenched tight?
Speaker C:Second, look at your shoulders.
Speaker C:Are they creeping up towards your ears?
Speaker C:And third, the most important one.
Speaker C:You're breathing.
Speaker C:Is it shallow?
Speaker C:Is it fast?
Speaker C:Are you holding it high up in your chest?
Speaker C:If you notice those things, that's your signal.
Speaker C:That's your body telling you you're at a five or higher.
Speaker B:And that awareness, that's the moment you can actually do something before you walk into the house, before the next trigger.
Speaker C:That's your chance to intervene.
Speaker C:Take one deep breath.
Speaker C:Reset.
Speaker C:That's it.
Speaker B:That reframes it completely.
Speaker B:It's not about analyzing.
Speaker B:It's just about checking the physical odometer.
Speaker B:Okay, so that's point one.
Speaker B:Now let's talk about how we got that way in the first place.
Speaker B:This.
Speaker B:Take us to the second reason.
Speaker B:Anger as a habitual response.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:This one is all about the automaticity of the reaction.
Speaker C:We tend to think our emotional responses are just innate, but they're not.
Speaker C:They're learned.
Speaker B:So you're saying we should think back to the environment we grew up in?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:Ask yourself, did you ever see anger used effectively?
Speaker C:I don't mean positively, but did it work?
Speaker C:Did it get someone what they wanted or control a situation?
Speaker B:That's a powerful question.
Speaker B:Because we learn what works by watching the people around us.
Speaker B:Our parents, our siblings.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And if you grew up around a lot of explosive outbursts, then reacting with anger becomes your brain's default path.
Speaker C:It's the neural shortcut it learned to take when it feels threatened or blocked.
Speaker B:So the anger feels fast because for maybe decades, it's been the quickest path.
Speaker B:Your brain knows it's not even a.
Speaker C:Conscious choice at that point.
Speaker C:It's just a habit.
Speaker B:The good news, though, is that habits can be unlearned.
Speaker B:But I imagine that's.
Speaker B:That's a lot of work.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:And it starts with what we call cognitive reframing.
Speaker C:The first step is to identify the unhelpful thought that's actually pulling the trigger.
Speaker C:It's not the event itself.
Speaker C:It's the story you tell yourself about the event.
Speaker B:Give us that example again.
Speaker B:Someone disagrees with me in a meeting, and I feel that immediate flash of rage.
Speaker B:What's the unhelpful thought there?
Speaker C:The unhelpful automatic thought might be they're attacking me or they think I'm stupid.
Speaker C:Or maybe if I lose this argument, I lose respect.
Speaker C:That belief is the real fuel for the anger.
Speaker B:The interpretation is the trigger, not the disagreement itself.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker B:But in that moment, when that old habit is screaming at you to defend yourself, how do you Practically swap in a helpful thought.
Speaker B:It feels like trying to catch a speeding bullet.
Speaker C:It does, which is why you have to preload the helpful thought.
Speaker C:You practice it when you're calm.
Speaker C:You rehearse it.
Speaker B:Oh, so you're not trying to invent it in the heat of the moment?
Speaker C:No, you're just executing a plan.
Speaker C:The replacement thought might be they have a different opinion, and that's okay.
Speaker C:Or their point of view isn't a reflection of my worth.
Speaker B:You're building a new road, a new neural pathway so you have somewhere else to go when the pressure is on.
Speaker C:You got it.
Speaker C:And that's why this takes practice and patience.
Speaker C:The old habit didn't get there overnight, and the new one won't either.
Speaker B:That's so key.
Speaker B:It's a skill you build.
Speaker B:Okay, that brings us to our third and honestly, maybe the most mind blowing point.
Speaker B:We fundamentally underestimate the speed of our own brain.
Speaker C:This one really challenges that whole it happened in a split second narrative.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:When people say they went from 0 to 10 instantly, we ask them to break down the timeline.
Speaker B:An argument with your partner, for example.
Speaker C:Yeah, an argument about money that ends in yelling.
Speaker C:The reality is that incident probably lasted several minutes before the real outburst, maybe longer.
Speaker C:Several minutes, not a split second.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So the question is, what was your brain doing during those few minutes?
Speaker C:It felt like a blur, but it wasn't idle.
Speaker B:It was working incredibly fast.
Speaker B:It was interpreting, judging, assigning meaning.
Speaker B:A process we call cognitive appraisal.
Speaker B:It's constantly asking, is this a threat to my safety, my status, my ego?
Speaker B:It's building the case for anger the entire time.
Speaker C:So it's justifying the explosion before it even happened.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And the timescale we're talking about, a few minutes is an eternity when you realize what the human brain can do in a fraction of a second.
Speaker C:This is where the tennis analogy comes in.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:This is it.
Speaker B:Think about a professional tennis player returning a serve.
Speaker B:The ball is coming at them at, say, 130 miles an hour.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:They have less than one seconds to see the ball, calculate where it's going, decide on a shot, and then tell their body to execute a really complex movement.
Speaker B:That's a staggering amount of processing in less than a second.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:So if your brain can do all of that in under a second.
Speaker C:Now think about an argument that lasts for 120 seconds.
Speaker B:You have so much time, you have.
Speaker C:A huge amount of time to make a different, more intentional choice.
Speaker C:Your brain is more than fast enough.
Speaker C:The problem isn't a lack of speed.
Speaker C:It's the absence of a pattern interrupt.
Speaker B:A pattern interrupt.
Speaker B:I like that term.
Speaker B:So what you're saying is in that two minute window, we have a massive opportunity to break the cycle.
Speaker B:What does that actually look like?
Speaker C:The first interrupt has to be physiological.
Speaker C:You have to get your body out of that fight or flight mode.
Speaker C:This is why deep breathing isn't just a cliche.
Speaker B:It actually changes your body's chemistry.
Speaker C:It intentionally shifts you out of that stress response.
Speaker C:It slows everything down just enough for your rational brain to catch up to your emotional brain.
Speaker B:And that buys you the time to use the cognitive reframing we talked about earlier.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:You interrupt the physical cycle, which interrupts the cognitive cycle.
Speaker C:Other interrupts could be using humor or just saying, you know what, I need to pause for two minutes so I can respond calmly, not just react.
Speaker B:Wow, that really flips the whole problem on its head.
Speaker B:It's not that my anger is too fast, it's that I'm too slow to intervene in my own decision making process.
Speaker C:You have the processing power.
Speaker C:You just need to make the decision to use it differently.
Speaker B:Okay, let's summarize these three big ideas for everyone listening.
Speaker B:If you feel like your anger gets the best of you too fast, here's what's likely going on.
Speaker C:First, you're probably unaware of the buildup.
Speaker C:You're starting conflicts at a six or seven on the tension scale, not a zero.
Speaker C:And you can track that using physical cues like a clenched jaw.
Speaker B:Second, reacting with anger is a habit.
Speaker B:It's a shortcut your brain loves.
Speaker B:But you can unlearn it with deliberate practice by reframing your thoughts.
Speaker C:And third, you are massively underestimating your own brain's processing speed.
Speaker C:An argument that lasts a few minutes gives you a huge window of opportunity to use a pattern interrupt and choose a calmer response.
Speaker B:Learning to control anger really is a skill.
Speaker B:It's something anyone can master.
Speaker B:But you have to make the decision and then commit to the work you do.
Speaker B:So here's a final thought to leave you with.
Speaker B:If your brain can process 130 mile an hour tennis serve in less than a second, what one tiny deliberate choice can you make in the first five seconds of your next conflict that could change the entire outcome.
Speaker C:And if you'd like to learn more about how to do that, how to manage your anger and build calmer, happier relationships, you can dive a lot deeper into these tools.
Speaker C:For free training on all of this.
Speaker B:Just visit angrysecrets.com remember, you can't control other people.
Speaker B:But you can always control yourself.
Speaker B:We'll see you next time.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to go over a few of the key insights Jake and Sarah explored today.
Speaker A:First, when it comes to anger, you're not starting from zero.
Speaker A:As Jake and Sarah discussed, most people think they're calm right up until something sets them off.
Speaker A:But in reality, you're often carrying tension from work, stress, past arguments, lack of sleep, or just the demands of daily life.
Speaker A:And when your stress baseline is already high, even something tiny can push you over the edge.
Speaker A:This matters because once you see you're not starting at zero, you can start lowering your baseline before the trigger hits.
Speaker A:Second, your body warns you long before your words do.
Speaker A:Anger never truly comes out of nowhere.
Speaker A:Your body whispers first, your jaw tightens, your chest heats up, your stomach drops, or your breathing changes.
Speaker A:Most people miss these signals, but once you learn to notice them, you can interrupt the anger before it explodes.
Speaker A:That's where real control begins.
Speaker A:And third, fast anger is learned, which means it can be unlearned.
Speaker A:This is one of the most hopeful ideas from today's conversation.
Speaker A:If you grew up in a home where anger was automatic, loud or constant, your brain learned to react quickly.
Speaker A:But patterns that were learned can be relearned.
Speaker A:And the moment you start seeing your triggers and slowing down your reactions, you're already breaking the cycle.
Speaker A:Now remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it, see what shifts.
Speaker A:And if you'd like help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angasecrets.com on this site you can access my free training Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment call to talk personally with me about about your situation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete anger management system, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.
Speaker A:It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lies.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
