For help controlling your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Five weeks earlier, Cyrus believed he was beyond help. His wife was afraid of him. His children were living with the effects of his anger. Today, his family life looks completely different. This is his story.
In this special episode of the Anger Secrets Podcast, Alastair sits down with Cyrus, a husband, father and farmer who openly shares how uncontrolled anger nearly destroyed his marriage and family. For years, he believed everyone else caused his anger. He thought losing his temper was simply part of who he was. Everything changed when his wife admitted she no longer felt safe in her own home.
During this honest conversation, Cyrus explains why asking for help was the hardest decision he ever made, the biggest breakthroughs he experienced inside the Complete Anger Management System, and how learning to take responsibility completely changed the way he relates to his wife, children and the people around him.
You’ll hear how the Tension Scale transformed arguments at home, why he stopped blaming other people for his emotions, and how his children began trusting him again. Most importantly, you’ll hear the small moments that prove real change has happened. His wife plays music around the house again. His children now come to him with their problems instead of hiding from him. Arguments no longer end with shouting or slammed doors. If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s really possible to change after years of anger, Cyrus’s story is living proof that it is.
The Anger Secrets Podcast helps men and women master anger management, rebuild trust after anger, strengthen relationships and create calmer, happier families.
Hosted by anger specialist Alastair Duhs, creator of The Complete Anger Management System.
Transcript
There's a moment Cyrus described to me that I haven't forgotten.
Speaker A:He said his wife had stopped playing music in the house, not because she didn't like music, but because she was afraid of how he might react to it.
Speaker A:Think about that for a second.
Speaker A:She couldn't even play music in her own home.
Speaker A:That's what uncontrolled anger does.
Speaker A:Quietly, over time.
Speaker A:It doesn't just cause arguments.
Speaker A:It shrinks the people around you.
Speaker A:It makes your home smaller.
Speaker A:It turns the people you love into people who are managing you, watching your mood, choosing their words, waiting for the temperature to drop before they relax.
Speaker A:Cyrus saw it and he did something about it.
Speaker A:And today, his wife plays music in the house again.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alistair Dewes, and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:Today's episode is a little different.
Speaker A:Instead of me walking you through a framework or a set of tools, I want you to hear directly from someone who was where you might be right now and came out the other side.
Speaker A:His name is Cyrus.
Speaker A:He's 45, a husband, a father, a farmer.
Speaker A:Cyrus enrolled in my online anger management program about five weeks before I caught up with him.
Speaker A:Next on Zoom, he agreed to have this conversation recorded and shared so that other people could benefit from his change.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I want to share my interview with Cyrus, a strong, respectful and powerful man who has made profound changes in his life.
Speaker A:Here's the interview.
Speaker B:Welcome to the Anglo Secrets podcast.
Speaker B:Could you just tell us a little bit about yourself?
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:I'm a 45 year old husband, father.
Speaker C:I'm living on family farm that we've had in our family for generations.
Speaker C:Currently working in between my pest management job and my father job.
Speaker C:So it's keeping me pretty busy and I'm working my way through this awesome course.
Speaker C:So, yeah.
Speaker B:Oh, and what brought you to this anger management course?
Speaker C:Being honest with you, I was in a very dark place, Alistair.
Speaker C:I was in a dark place.
Speaker C:When you and I first talked, I mentioned to you I had been physically abusive to my wife, which I'm not boasting about at all.
Speaker C:I'm just merely putting it out there and abusive to my children and in a verbal sense and I just wanted to change.
Speaker C:I wanted to be a better person.
Speaker C:And that's what was wrong with me, I guess.
Speaker B:So it sounds like anger and abuse and violence has been an issue for you for some time, is that right?
Speaker C:Yeah, that's correct.
Speaker C:Alistair.
Speaker C:I played semi professional football, a lot of sport and I was easily a hothead, if you like.
Speaker C:I thought that was a badge of honor growing up.
Speaker C:I thought I was entitled to be angry at people.
Speaker C:And I've learned through your course that I don't have that entitlement.
Speaker C:And it was only in the last sort of five years that it started to get physical, if you like.
Speaker C:Even with staff at work, I would challenge them physically.
Speaker C:And it wasn't until my wife said to me, and I mentioned this to you the first time I spoke to, she was fearful just to sleep in our bed and be in our room and this was her house.
Speaker C:Well, our house, you know, it shouldn't be like that.
Speaker C:And that really triggered me to get help.
Speaker C:And you were the first person that I got in touch with and you were relatable, easy to talk to.
Speaker C:I guess you didn't judge me and.
Speaker C:Yeah, it just that that's what I wanted to do.
Speaker C:Oh.
Speaker B:How hard was it for you to reach out for help?
Speaker C:I had done it twice, I'll be honest.
Speaker C:I'd searched for people, I've looked it up, but until my wife actually said to me, hey, look, I'm.
Speaker C:I'm a bit worried about you.
Speaker C:That's when something went off in my head and just said, you've gotta.
Speaker C:You've gotta fix yourself here, or at least try.
Speaker C:But reaching out was tough.
Speaker C:I'll be honest, it was tough.
Speaker C:I like to deal with everything myself.
Speaker C:I'm a bloke if you like, a man's man, as they say.
Speaker C:But it was the best thing I ever did, Alistair.
Speaker C:It's the best thing I ever did.
Speaker B:And why is that?
Speaker C:Opened up a door or switched on a light in my mind that I don't have to be like that.
Speaker C:I was creating that.
Speaker C:I created my own anger.
Speaker C:And as I said to you, I thought I was entitled to growl people.
Speaker C:And coming from the sports field, I had a very loud voice.
Speaker C:That was my job, was to bark at you and I thought I'd bring it back into the family and bark at the family.
Speaker C:And you were the one that taught me that you don't have to compete with your family anymore.
Speaker C:You're not playing footy anymore.
Speaker C:So that was a big thing for me to lead, just.
Speaker B:Tone things Down.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:How was starting this course for you?
Speaker B:What was that like?
Speaker C:It was scary because I know I've got issues.
Speaker C:I spoke to you about the first night.
Speaker C:I said, this is the best night's sleep I've ever had.
Speaker C:Alistair.
Speaker C:I've got all this off my chairs and it's only a small portion.
Speaker C:I haven't got into the course.
Speaker C:And once I got into the course and it showed me the tools that I should be using to deal with my anger and what anger actually is, I've created the anger that was eye opening to me.
Speaker C:It was life changing.
Speaker C:I'll be honest with you.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:So these were things you hadn't thought about before?
Speaker C:Never.
Speaker C:Never.
Speaker C:As I said, I always blamed everyone else with my anger.
Speaker C:And it's the first time I started to.
Speaker C:You said it to me.
Speaker C:I think you create your own anger.
Speaker C:That.
Speaker C:That stuck with me there.
Speaker C:And it's true.
Speaker C:I said to you the first.
Speaker C:I said, I get mad in the morning putting my boots on.
Speaker C:I'm like, why don't these body boots go up?
Speaker C:The boot had nothing to do with it.
Speaker C:It was me.
Speaker C:And it took, you know, your.
Speaker C:Your tools and your techniques to.
Speaker C:To let me see that.
Speaker B:Awesome.
Speaker B:And how soon did you start to make changes?
Speaker C:I would say within the first week, if not the first two days.
Speaker C:When I started getting into the course and looking at it, I was daunted.
Speaker C:I was like, oh, that's a lot.
Speaker C:But I love the way you can chip away at it.
Speaker C:You can go back to it.
Speaker C:You don't put any pressure on me to hurry up, get it done now.
Speaker C:Has to be done yesterday.
Speaker C:I still go back and look at page one and the tools you gave me, the tension scale.
Speaker C:I know.
Speaker C:I don't know if I should be giving away the secrets here, but the tension scale was amazing.
Speaker C:And the wife and I had the first two weeks I was on it.
Speaker C:She turned around to me, she said, I'm about five here on the attention scale.
Speaker C:She was using the tension scale herself.
Speaker C:I was like, oh, okay, I'm out of here now.
Speaker C:In the past, Alice, that I would try and control that situation and try and get out of her.
Speaker C:What's wrong?
Speaker C:Let's fix this with your techniques.
Speaker C:I walked away to the bedroom, put your book on and started doing everything and just let her go, just leave her, get her anger out, get my frustrations out.
Speaker C:And it worked a treat.
Speaker C:And I thought, this is working and it's so simple.
Speaker B:Why didn't I do this before?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's been about two months, I think, since you started the course.
Speaker B:Two months?
Speaker C:Yep.
Speaker B:What do you think the biggest changes you've made so far?
Speaker C:I am more.
Speaker C:You said this to me one time.
Speaker C:Vulnerability is where it's at.
Speaker C:And I was having a conversation today with a guy and I told him I was in the course, I was working away, and he said to me, you seem happier.
Speaker C:I said, I'm on this course.
Speaker C:I mentioned you.
Speaker C:I told him what I was doing and he said, I can see it in you.
Speaker C:You've changed.
Speaker C:I said, I used to hate people.
Speaker C:I used to not want to talk to people at work.
Speaker C:I would avoid people.
Speaker C:Now I'm going up to them saying, how are you?
Speaker C:What are you doing?
Speaker C:Let's chat.
Speaker C:And that's not me.
Speaker C:That's not me.
Speaker C:So it's given me more of an appreciation for others, what they're dealing with, and that I'm not the only person in this world.
Speaker C:So, yeah, 100.
Speaker B:It's awesome.
Speaker B:And the vulnerability in your family environment, do you use it there as well?
Speaker C:I do.
Speaker C:I've told my son everything, see a little bit of my anger in him.
Speaker C:I try and give him your tools and maybe one day I'll push him onto the court when he's ready.
Speaker C:But I want him to do what I did, Alistair, and say, I'd like to do that course, but I've shared it with the whole family.
Speaker C:My wife, my father, everyone.
Speaker C:I'm not ashamed to tell anyone what I'm doing.
Speaker C:That's great.
Speaker B:And do you think these changes will be sustainable for you?
Speaker C:It's funny.
Speaker C:I listened to a guy you talked to.
Speaker C:I'm not sure if he was American on apologies or a Canadian, but Kevin was it, and he said, it's something you've got to keep doing.
Speaker C:And that stayed in my head.
Speaker C:And I said that to the wife last night.
Speaker C:It's something we're going to have to keep doing.
Speaker C:I've always got anger in me, I guess, and these techniques and tools you've given me allow me to control it.
Speaker C:But I don't want to stop.
Speaker C:I'd like to carry on and learn more and, yeah, just keep challenging myself.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:How much difference do you think this has made to your relationship?
Speaker C:Oh, Alistair, seriously, it's.
Speaker C:I mean, I know a lot of this stuff was my fault in the first, probably two to three weeks.
Speaker C:I was just beating myself up inside.
Speaker C:And my wife could see it.
Speaker C:She said, why, you know, why aren't you singing musical songs on the radio and stuff like you used to And I said, I don't deserve to.
Speaker C:I've been such a horrible person that I don't feel like I deserve that.
Speaker C:And I needed to work through that.
Speaker C:In the end, I said to myself, through doing the course, if I can't love myself, how can I love you?
Speaker C:So that's something I've learned to sort of forgive myself for all the wrongdoings that I've done and.
Speaker C:But acknowledge that I've done them.
Speaker C:That was me, was no one else.
Speaker C:So that's the big thing I've taken.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:And the impact on your relationship, once they.
Speaker C:We.
Speaker C:My wife and I go out now all the time.
Speaker C:We don't.
Speaker C:If we do fight, we do have an argument or a conversation that ends up.
Speaker C:We don't agree.
Speaker C:We both don't throw things at each other like we did before or I slammed the door because I realized now that's abuse and I don't want to be that person.
Speaker C:It's dramatically changed my relationship with my wife.
Speaker C:I see her differently.
Speaker C:Not that I didn't see her as a beautiful woman and I respected her.
Speaker C:I guess I blamed her for a lot of my anger.
Speaker C:And I don't do that anymore.
Speaker C:Now I can register what that is if I get angry at something.
Speaker C:And your tools have allowed me to understand what that is.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And has it made any difference in terms of your relationship with your children?
Speaker C:Oh, it's a game changer.
Speaker C:The one thing I've learned, as I said to you before, was I'm entitled to growl, you kids.
Speaker C:I'm entitled to smack you.
Speaker C:Not anymore.
Speaker C:No smack in here.
Speaker C:No disciplinary.
Speaker C:And anger, because it just doesn't work.
Speaker C:So I'll sit down, I'll talk to them.
Speaker C:I'll act like I'm you.
Speaker C:You know, I'll be calm and mature and.
Speaker C:And we'll discuss what is your problem?
Speaker C:What.
Speaker C:Why are you so angry at the moment you can't get what you want?
Speaker C:That's cool.
Speaker B:Let's.
Speaker C:Let's try and work our way towards that.
Speaker C:And there's been numerous times my wife said, well done, hon.
Speaker C:I wouldn't have done that.
Speaker C:And I'm sitting back going, I didn't do anything special.
Speaker C:I've just done what Alistair told me to do, and it's worked.
Speaker C:Who did?
Speaker C:Why didn't I get these 20 years ago?
Speaker C:So, yeah, they're fabulous tools, Alistair.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And have you noticed any difference in how your children respond to you?
Speaker C:A lot.
Speaker B:A lot.
Speaker C:More open to come and talk to me about whatever their issue is in the past they probably would have lied.
Speaker C:It was his fault.
Speaker C:It was your fault.
Speaker C:Now they're more willing to say, sorry, I did this.
Speaker C:Yep.
Speaker C:Because they know they're not going to get judged, growled or we're going to sort it out.
Speaker C:We're going to work through it together.
Speaker C:So honestly, it's a game changer.
Speaker B:Great.
Speaker B:Couple more questions.
Speaker B:So how has doing an online course been for you?
Speaker C:It worked for me because of where I am.
Speaker C:You're in the Auckland area.
Speaker C:I won't give away where you are.
Speaker C:I'm in the Waikato area.
Speaker C:So we're 100,000, something kilometers apart and yet look at us.
Speaker C:It's perfect for me, Elliston.
Speaker C:I love it.
Speaker B:And what would you say to someone else who may be listening to this episode thinking about doing the course, but maybe not sure?
Speaker B:What would you say to that person?
Speaker C:Don't think about doing the course.
Speaker C:Do it.
Speaker C:Don't think about it.
Speaker C:Just do it.
Speaker C:If you're going to think about it, you probably put it off.
Speaker B:Like me.
Speaker C:You'll probably get scared.
Speaker C:Be courageous and do it.
Speaker C:Just.
Speaker C:What have you got to lose?
Speaker C:It was the best money I've spent and I can't tell you how long since I've been married.
Speaker C:That's how powerful it can be.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Anything else you'd like to say?
Speaker C:Thank you.
Speaker C:Thank you to you.
Speaker C:You've got a. I'm not.
Speaker C:I don't mean this in a degrading, like you've got an odd style where you just sit back and you.
Speaker C:You watch and you listen and, And I appreciate that.
Speaker C:You don't ram anything down my throat saying, you must do this, you must do that.
Speaker C:And I feel like I can't let you down as well.
Speaker C:So, yeah, I. I just love your approach.
Speaker C:You can always email you and ask you something or you're always, you know, you're there, even if you're on holiday, you're swimming with dolphins or whales.
Speaker C:So it's.
Speaker C:It's awesome.
Speaker C:Alistair, I can't thank you enough, my friend.
Speaker A:I hope you enjoyed my interview with Cyrus.
Speaker A:Now, before we finish, I want to be honest about why I share stories like Cyrus's.
Speaker A:It's not to sell you something.
Speaker A:It's because I know after 30 years of this work that the biggest barrier most people face isn't the anger itself.
Speaker A:It's the belief that they can't change, that this is just who they are, that it's too late or too hard, or that asking for help somehow makes it worse.
Speaker A:Cyrus believed all of that and then he made the call to talk with me.
Speaker A:So if you're at that point or anywhere near it, the place to start is angersecrets.com Like Cyrus, you can book a free 30 minute call with me personally or access my free training on breaking the anger cycle.
Speaker A:There's no pressure, just a real conversation about where you are and what might actually help.
Speaker A:Remember too, Cyrus wife plays music in the house again.
Speaker A:His kids come to him with their problems.
Speaker A:He talks to people at work.
Speaker A:These aren't small things, they're the texture of life.
Speaker A:And they're available to you too.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
