For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Feeling that simmering anger inside can be tough, and many people carry it long after the hurt has happened. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs dives into forgiveness and how it can truly set one free.
Holding onto anger only traps you, keeping you stuck emotionally and physically. In this episode, you will learn seven practical steps to let go of that anger, focusing on real tools rather than just vague advice.
Key Takeaways:
- Holding onto anger only harms yourself, causing stress and tension in the body.
- Empathy allows for understanding others’ actions, helping to release feelings of resentment.
- Letting go of anger is essential for personal healing and moving forward in life.
- Self-compassion is crucial; treating oneself with kindness makes it easier to forgive others.
- Forgiveness is a personal choice that liberates a person from past resentment and pain.
- Recognising everyone’s imperfections can soften anger and foster understanding.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Have you ever felt that simmering anger just sitting there inside you?
Speaker A:Maybe someone betrayed your trust.
Speaker A:Maybe they said something unforgivable.
Speaker A:Maybe they crossed a line you never thought anyone would.
Speaker A:And now, no matter how much time has gone by, you still feel it.
Speaker A:That tightness in your chest, that fire in your belly, that heavy, lingering ache in your heart, like a shadow that follows you around.
Speaker A:If that sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Speaker A:I've worked with so many people who carry that same weight.
Speaker A:And I get it.
Speaker A:When someone really hurts you, the idea of forgiving them can feel impossible, even offensive.
Speaker A:But here's something I've learned over the years, and it's not always easy to hear.
Speaker A:Holding on to anger doesn't help you.
Speaker A:It traps you.
Speaker A:It keeps you stuck emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically.
Speaker A:So in today's episode, I want to walk you through seven powerful, practical steps to help you let go of that anger.
Speaker A:These aren't vague, just move on kind of tips.
Speaker A:These are real tools.
Speaker A:Tools I've seen help my clients release resentment, heal old wounds, and finally feel free.
Speaker A:Because here's the Forgiveness isn't about them.
Speaker A:It's about you.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 28 of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alastair Duse, and For the past 30 years, I've helped over 15,000 men and women learn how to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, more connected relationships.
Speaker A:On this podcast, I share the same tools and insights I use with my clients, along with the help of artificial intelligence, to bring you the most practical, powerful techniques I know for creating lasting change.
Speaker A:Now, today's episode is a big one.
Speaker A:Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood and most transformative parts of the anger management journey.
Speaker A:So to help us explore it fully, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to walk you through seven real, actionable steps you can take to forgive others.
Speaker A:Even if right now that feels impossible.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around until the end, because after Jake and Sarah's conversation, I'll be back to wrap it all up and share how you can take the next step toward controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Let's dive in.
Speaker A:Here's Jake and Sarah.
Speaker B:Have you ever felt that anger just simmering inside you long after whatever it was actually happened?
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker C:Maybe someone said something or did something and it just leaves this.
Speaker C:This heavy feeling.
Speaker B:Exactly that feeling that just won't quite go away.
Speaker B:Well, look, if you felt that, you're definitely not alone.
Speaker B:I think we all know that experience.
Speaker C:Yeah, it's Pretty universal.
Speaker B:And that's actually what we're diving into today.
Speaker B:We want to talk about some practical steps you can actually take to let go of that anger through forgiveness.
Speaker C:And we're not talking about just vague advice like, oh, just forgive and forget.
Speaker B:No, we're looking at some really concrete strategies, tools, maybe that can help release that resentment and hopefully find some real freedom.
Speaker C:Because ultimately, and this is so crucial to grasp, forgiveness is really about your wellbeing.
Speaker C:It's not primarily about the person who caused the harm.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker B:That's such a key point.
Speaker B:It's for you.
Speaker B:So, yeah, we've looked at some really insightful ideas on this, and we want to share some key approaches that, you know, might really help.
Speaker C:Well, one of the first things that really jumps out is the.
Speaker C:The personal cost, the actual cost of holding onto anger.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It's not just feeling bad emotionally.
Speaker C:No, not at all.
Speaker C:What we've seen points to, like, real health connections, chronic anger, resentment.
Speaker C:They're linked to things like higher blood pressure, even heart disease risk, a weaker immune system.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:So it's physically detrimental.
Speaker C:Definitely.
Speaker C:There was this powerful analogy we came across.
Speaker C:It compared holding anger towards someone else to taking poison yourself and then waiting for the other person to die.
Speaker B:Oof.
Speaker B:That really hits home, doesn't it?
Speaker C:It does.
Speaker C:It starkly shows who's actually suffering the most.
Speaker C:It's the person holding onto it.
Speaker B:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker B:It's like you're carrying this incredibly heavy backpack, but only you feel the weight, not the person you're angry at.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:So if you're constantly battling that internal resentment, you're the one paying the price emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Speaker B:As you said, it's a huge burden.
Speaker C:Okay, that kind of brings us to the next logical question then.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker C:How do we start to put that burden down?
Speaker B:Where do you even begin?
Speaker C:Well, one really important insight that seems critical is recognizing something fundamental about, well, being human.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Imperfection.
Speaker C:Just accepting that nobody's perfect.
Speaker C:Everyone makes mistakes.
Speaker C:It's inevitable.
Speaker B:That sounds simple, but it's hard sometimes, isn't it?
Speaker B:Especially when you feel really wronged.
Speaker C:It is hard.
Speaker C:But the perspective we saw suggests that in almost all situations, people are actually doing the best they can, given their own background, their experiences, their own limitations.
Speaker B:At that moment, that's a shift in thinking.
Speaker B:So not assuming malicious intent necessarily.
Speaker C:Not always.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:It's easy to jump there when we're hurt, thinking someone deliberately set out to cause pain.
Speaker C:But if you can step back even a little and just acknowledge everyone operates.
Speaker B:With their own imperfections, it might soften that sharp edge of anger a bit.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It doesn't excuse the behavior, let's be clear.
Speaker C:But it's about maybe understanding the person a bit more beyond just the hurtful action.
Speaker C:And that acceptance of, like, human fallibility, that can be a real turning point.
Speaker C:It can make forgiveness feel a bit more possible.
Speaker B:Okay, so accepting imperfection, how does that connect to the bigger picture here?
Speaker C:It leads quite naturally into thinking about.
Speaker B:Empathy, trying to understand where they might be coming from.
Speaker C:Yeah, but importantly, empathy isn't about agreeing with them.
Speaker C:It's not saying what they did was okay.
Speaker B:Okay, good distinction.
Speaker C:It's more about making a real effort to understand their feelings or their perspective.
Speaker C:Even if you completely disagree with their actions, trying to put yourself in their shoes for a moment.
Speaker B:That feels like a really challenging step, though, especially if the hurt is deep.
Speaker B:How do you try to see from the perspective of someone who caused you pain?
Speaker C:It definitely takes conscious effort.
Speaker C:It's a practice, for sure.
Speaker C:It might mean asking yourself things like what might have been going on for them at that time.
Speaker B:Like their context.
Speaker C:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker C:Their context.
Speaker C:What might their underlying, maybe misguided, motivations have been?
Speaker C:It's about looking beyond the surface of.
Speaker B:The action, trying to understand the why behind it.
Speaker B:Even if the what was wrong?
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:And even getting just a little bit of that understanding, it can start to diffuse some of that really intense anger we might be holding.
Speaker C:Again, it never excuses it, but it can change your internal emotional state.
Speaker B:Okay, so we've got the personal cost of anger, accepting imperfection, and trying to practice empathy.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:What else is key in this, this process of letting go?
Speaker C:Another big one is dealing with the urge for revenge.
Speaker B:Ah, yes, the desire to get back at someone.
Speaker B:That feels pretty natural when you're hurt.
Speaker C:It does feel natural.
Speaker C:Acting on that urge, it usually backfires.
Speaker B:How so?
Speaker C:Instead of giving you satisfaction or closure, seeking revenge tends to just fuel more anger, more hurt.
Speaker C:It creates this really negative, destructive cycle.
Speaker B:Like a feedback loop of negativity.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Everyone gets trapped in it.
Speaker C:The focus shifts completely away from healing and just becomes about this tit for tat bitterness.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:You think getting even will make you feel better, but it just keeps the whole thing alive.
Speaker B:Keeps that negative energy going.
Speaker B:And you're still feeling awful.
Speaker C:Pretty much.
Speaker C:So a really crucial step seems to be consciously deciding to release that desire for revenge.
Speaker B:Letting go of the need for payback.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And instead shifting your focus onto your own healing, your own path forward.
Speaker B:Okay, makes sense.
Speaker C:Redirecting that energy, which actually leads nicely into another really vital point.
Speaker C:The Value of expressing your feelings, but constructively.
Speaker B:Right, because just swallowing it down, bottling it up, that doesn't work either, does it?
Speaker C:No, definitely not.
Speaker C:That just seems to let it fester.
Speaker C:It can turn into long term resentment and cause even more problems down the.
Speaker B:So what are some good constructive ways to get those feelings out?
Speaker C:Ideally, if the situation allows for it.
Speaker C:And if the other person is actually open to listening, which isn't always the case.
Speaker C:No, not always.
Speaker C:But if they are having a calm, honest conversation about how their actions affected you, can be incredibly beneficial.
Speaker B:Yeah, it gives you a chance to be heard.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:You get to express your emotions and they might even offer an apology or explain their side.
Speaker C:But like you said, direct conversation isn't always possible.
Speaker C:Or maybe it's not even advisable in some situations.
Speaker B:Right, so what's that?
Speaker C:There are other healthy outlets.
Speaker C:Talking to people you trust.
Speaker C:Friends, family, a therapist, maybe getting it.
Speaker B:Out of your own head.
Speaker C:Uh huh.
Speaker C:Or writing it down.
Speaker C:Journaling can be really powerful for processing things, even creative expression.
Speaker C:You know, the main thing is finding some healthy way to process those feelings.
Speaker B:So not letting them just sit there and solidify into resentment.
Speaker B:Find a release valve.
Speaker C:That's a good way to put it.
Speaker B:A healthy release valve.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:So we understand others are imperfect.
Speaker C:We try empathy.
Speaker C:We let go of revenge.
Speaker C:We express feelings constructively.
Speaker C:How do we then actually move on from the anger?
Speaker C:Get towards that freedom we talked about?
Speaker C:This is where the focus really has to shift.
Speaker C:Needs to move away from the past and towards the.
Speaker C:The present and the future.
Speaker B:Because dwelling on what happened keeps you stuck there completely.
Speaker C:You stay tethered to that hurt, that anger.
Speaker C:True forgiveness involves making a conscious choice.
Speaker C:A choice to let go of the grip the past has on you and focus on now.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Focused on the present moment and on building a better future.
Speaker B:One that isn't constantly overshadowed by that past pain.
Speaker C:That sounds big.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker B:And there's even this idea, which might feel like a stretch initially, of actually wishing the other person well, hoping that they too find peace and happiness.
Speaker C:Wow, that does feel counterintuitive.
Speaker C:When you're still feeling the hurt, wishing them well.
Speaker B:I know it can sound that way.
Speaker B:And maybe it's not something you feel genuinely right away, but even just holding the intention, the intention to release that negative energy you're directing toward them, that in itself can be incredibly powerful for your healing.
Speaker C:Releasing your end of the negative connection.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And that brings us to maybe the most crucial piece of the whole puzzle.
Speaker C:Really?
Speaker B:What's that?
Speaker C:Extending all that understanding that Kindness we're trying to find for others, extending it to ourselves.
Speaker B:Ah, self compassion.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:We can be so much harder on ourselves sometimes, can't we?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:We're often our own toughest critics, especially maybe when we feel wronged or when we make mistakes ourselves.
Speaker C:So it's really important to be gentle with ourselves, to acknowledge that, hey, just like everyone else, we're also doing the best we can with what we have in our circumstances.
Speaker B:Remembering our own worth even when things are difficult.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:Recognizing we deserve love and respect from ourselves first and foremost.
Speaker C:Just like we're trying to offer understanding to others, we have to offer it to ourselves too.
Speaker B:That self compassion feels like the foundation.
Speaker C:Maybe it really does.
Speaker C:It creates this internal space for healing that makes forgiving others feel more grounded, more possible.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's try and wrap this up a bit.
Speaker B:We've covered quite a lot, this journey towards forgiveness.
Speaker B:It involves understanding the real cost of.
Speaker C:Anger to ourselves, physically and emotionally.
Speaker B:Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, is imperfect.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Doing the best they can, trying to.
Speaker B:Cultivate some empathy, see their perspective even when it's tough.
Speaker B:Consciously letting go of that need for revenge.
Speaker C:Focusing on your own healing instead.
Speaker B:Finding healthy ways to actually express those.
Speaker C:Difficult feelings, Getting them out constructively.
Speaker B:Shifting focus from the past to the present and future.
Speaker C:Creating space to move forward.
Speaker B:And maybe most importantly, practicing self compassion.
Speaker B:Being kind to yourself through it all.
Speaker C:Yeah, that sums it up pretty well.
Speaker C:It's definitely a process, isn't it?
Speaker C:Not like flipping a switch.
Speaker B:Not at all.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:And as you said earlier, forgiveness isn't about saying what happened was okay.
Speaker B:It's not condoning anything.
Speaker C:Absolutely not.
Speaker C:It's fundamentally about freeing yourself, liberating yourself from being controlled by that past anger and resentment.
Speaker B:It's a choice for your own peace.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Your own well being.
Speaker B:So maybe a question for everyone listening.
Speaker B:Is there anyone in your life right now, someone you might be holding on to, some anger or resentment towards, a moment for reflection?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Just remember, you really do have the power within you to start letting go of that weight to create a more peaceful, happier life for yourself.
Speaker C:It's empowering to realize that.
Speaker B:It really is.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:And if you are looking for more support on this, more tools, more guidance for managing anger and finding that path to forgiveness.
Speaker B:I really do encourage you to check out angersecrets.com right.
Speaker C:Lots of resources there, lots of helpful.
Speaker B:Information and you can even book a free anger assessment call to talk things through.
Speaker B:Again, that's angersecrets.com okay, that's almost it.
Speaker A:For today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for being here.
Speaker A:I really hope this episode about forgiveness has given you something to think about.
Speaker A:Before I finish, let's quickly run through four big takeaways Jake and Sarah explored.
Speaker A:Each one of these is a powerful step toward letting go of anger and reclaiming your peace of mind.
Speaker A:Firstly, as Jake and Sarah said, holding onto anger doesn't hurt other people.
Speaker A:It hurts you.
Speaker A:When you stay angry.
Speaker A:You're the one carrying the stress, the sleepless nights, the tension in your body, the replaying of events over and over again.
Speaker A:It wears you down.
Speaker A:Forgiveness isn't about letting someone off the hook, it's about getting your life back.
Speaker A:Secondly, empathy helps release resentment.
Speaker A:This doesn't mean saying what they did was okay, but when you try to understand where someone's behavior might have come from, even if you don't agree with can loosen that grip anger has on you.
Speaker A:You can still hold someone accountable without holding onto bitterness.
Speaker A:Thirdly, letting go is how you move forward.
Speaker A:Whether it's revenge, silence, or just stuffing your feelings down, all these strategies only create more pain in the long run.
Speaker A:Healing starts when you allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, express it in a healthy way, and then make the conscious choice to let it go.
Speaker A:And finally, show yourself some compassion.
Speaker A:This is the big one.
Speaker A:Whatever is going on for you, you're human, you're doing your best.
Speaker A:And the more you treat yourself with kindness and respect, the easier it becomes to forgive others too.
Speaker A:Forgiveness really does start with you now.
Speaker A:If this episode resonated with you, I'd love it if you hit follow and maybe left a quick rating or review on your favourite podcast app.
Speaker A:This helps others find the show and start their own journey toward a calmer, more peaceful life.
Speaker A:And finally, if you're ready to go deeper on your anger management journey, head over to my website angersecrets.com youm can watch a free anger management training there or book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me and if you're ready to dive in right now, check out angersecrets.com course to learn more about the complete anger management system.
Speaker A:It's helped thousands of people take control of their anger and it can help you too.
Speaker A:Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control how you respond.
Speaker A:Talk soon.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type Please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
