For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Understanding how your thoughts shape your emotions is key to managing anger and finding happiness. In this episode, anger expert Alastair shares that it’s not events themselves that trigger feelings of anger or frustration, but rather the stories people tell themselves about those events.
He also discusses the ETFA model and highlights how this model can apply both to anger and happiness. Learn also about the importance of gratitude and generosity and how these practices can significantly enhance happiness and emotional resilience.
By changing your inner dialogue, listeners can take control of their emotions and improve their overall well-being.
Key Takeaways:
- The way you think about an event can change how you feel about it.
- Practicing gratitude daily can help shift your focus towards positivity and joy.
- Learning the ETFA model can empower you to control your emotional responses effectively.
- Your thoughts are a powerful tool in shaping your experiences of anger and happiness.
- Small acts of kindness and generosity can significantly boost your own happiness levels.
- Shifting your perspective can unlock deeper joy, even during challenging times.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Picture this.
Speaker A:Two people, same traffic jam, same idiot driver cutting them off.
Speaker A:One feels their blood boil, heart pounding, fists clenching, mind racing with anger.
Speaker A:The other, they take a breath, shake their head, and move on without a second thought.
Speaker A:What made the difference wasn't the traffic.
Speaker A:It wasn't the driver.
Speaker A:It was the story they told themselves.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I dive into one of the most powerful and most overlooked truths about anger, happiness, and emotional control.
Speaker A:It's not what happens to you that shapes your emotions.
Speaker A:It's how you interpret what happens.
Speaker A:Once you understand that, everything can start to change.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 30 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women take control of their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, more loving relationships.
Speaker A:On this podcast, I combine that experience with the power of AI to bring you powerful, practical tools you can use right away to take back control of your life.
Speaker A:Now, today's topic is a tough one, but also one of the most important conversations I think we can have.
Speaker A:It's about how to be both calmer and happier.
Speaker A:To help unpack this powerful topic, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to show how small shifts in thinking can make a real difference in all areas of your life.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, because after their conversation, I'll be back to wrap things up and share a few thoughts of my own, including how you can take the next step toward controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:All right, let's get into it.
Speaker A:Here's Jake and Sarah.
Speaker B:You know that feeling when things are.
Speaker B:Well, they're fine, like, actually okay, but you still feel this.
Speaker B:This nagging sense that you should be feeling happier than you are?
Speaker C:Oh, definitely.
Speaker B:Or maybe it's the flip side.
Speaker B:Those little daily frustrations that just seem to spark way more anger than they should.
Speaker B:Ever been there?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:It's a really common thing, isn't it?
Speaker C:This idea that happiness is something, you know, out there, something we get when everything lines up perfectly.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:But what if it's more about our internal world, like how we process things?
Speaker C:What if that plays a much bigger part in how happy we feel and actually how angry we get, too?
Speaker B:Okay, so that's pretty much what we're diving into today, right?
Speaker B:This idea that finding more joy, more happiness, it isn't just about, like, positive thinking in a vacuum.
Speaker B:It's really tied into how we handle those tougher emotions.
Speaker B:Like anger.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And it really fundamentally comes down to our thoughts.
Speaker C:They're like the filter, you know, the lens we see everything through.
Speaker C:And that filter, it massively shapes how we feel, whether it's that flash of anger in traffic or just a general feeling of being okay with things.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's unpack that.
Speaker B:There's this model.
Speaker B:We often talk about it with anger management.
Speaker B:Etfa.
Speaker C:Yes, etfa.
Speaker B:Can you walk us through that?
Speaker B:And, like, how does it connect to happiness?
Speaker C:Sure thing.
Speaker C:So the ETFA model, it's a really handy way to look at our emotional responses.
Speaker C:It stands for Event, Thought, Feeling, Action.
Speaker B:Event, Thought, Feeling, Action.
Speaker C:Got it.
Speaker C:And the really crucial bit here is that the event itself, it doesn't automatically make you feel a certain way.
Speaker C:It's your thought about that event that's the trigger for the feeling, which then leads to the action.
Speaker B:Okay, give us an example.
Speaker B:Something concrete.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:Let's use the classic one driving.
Speaker C:Someone cuts you off.
Speaker C:That's the event.
Speaker B:Happens all the time.
Speaker C:So one thought might immediately pop up.
Speaker C:What an idiot.
Speaker C:They nearly caused a crash.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:Familiar thought.
Speaker C:And that thought, it almost certainly leads to a feeling of anger, maybe frustration.
Speaker C:And the action.
Speaker C:Honking, maybe yelling, something tailgating.
Speaker B:We've all felt that surge, haven't we?
Speaker B:That like instant irritation.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:But picture this.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Same event.
Speaker C:Someone else is driving, they get cut off.
Speaker C:Their first thought might be, whoa.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:They must be in a massive hurry.
Speaker C:Hope everything's okay.
Speaker B:Oh, interesting.
Speaker B:Different angle.
Speaker C:Totally different angle.
Speaker C:And that thought leads to a very different feeling.
Speaker C:Maybe slight annoyance, sure, but not that intense rage.
Speaker C:And their action probably just keep driving, maybe shake their heads slightly.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:That really shows how the same external thing can cause completely different reactions inside, just based on how we first interpret it.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker B:So if our thoughts drive anger like that, how does flipping that help us get happier?
Speaker C:Well, it's basically the same engine running things.
Speaker C:If those negative thoughts, those interpretations, fuel anger or sadness, then consciously, deliberately shifting our thoughts, maybe towards more positive ones or even just like more understanding or neutral ones, that can actually grow positive feelings.
Speaker C:Happiness, contentment, that sort of thing.
Speaker B:So it's about paying attention to that inner voice.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Becoming aware of that internal chatter and learning to kind of steer it a bit more constructively.
Speaker B:It's like we've got this running commentary in our heads, and if we tweak the script, we change the emotional ending of the scene.
Speaker C:That's a great way to put it.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And, you know, sometimes really big life events can just slam that power of perspective right into focus.
Speaker C:Oh, yeah.
Speaker C:Think about this story about a guy named Jason.
Speaker C:His experience is just, well, a really powerful example of how changing your thinking can totally change your happiness levels.
Speaker B:Okay, I'm listening.
Speaker B:Tell us about Jason.
Speaker C:So Jason got some really bad news.
Speaker C:A terminal diagnosis, very short time left, basically.
Speaker C:Oh, wow.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And the usual treatments, they didn't work.
Speaker C:So he ended up trying this experimental treatment.
Speaker C:Really, really low chance of success, like, incredibly slim odds.
Speaker C:And, well, against all expectations, it worked.
Speaker C:He recovered.
Speaker C:Now, his overall life expectancy was still shorter than average, but he recovered.
Speaker B:That's amazing.
Speaker B:Just incredible luck.
Speaker B:What did he learn from that?
Speaker B:What was the takeaway?
Speaker C:Well, the biggest thing for him wasn't just, you know, the relief of surviving.
Speaker C:It was deeper.
Speaker C:Facing death like that, it just completely flipped his perspective on its head.
Speaker C:He suddenly realized how incredibly fragile life is, how precious.
Speaker C:And he just stopped taking all the little everyday things for granted.
Speaker C:Things he never even noticed before.
Speaker B:I can only imagine that kind of shock must completely reset your priorities, right?
Speaker C:It really did.
Speaker C:He started feeling this huge sense of gratitude for the simplest stuff.
Speaker C:You know, waking up, spending time with his wife, watching a sunset, a walk on the beach.
Speaker B:Things we all do but maybe don't really appreciate.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:These ordinary moments became sources of, like, deep joy for him.
Speaker C:It wasn't instant, mind you.
Speaker C:It was this gradual shift in how he chose to see his life each day.
Speaker B:Choosing to see it differently.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:And as his thoughts naturally started focusing more on gratitude, on the good stuff right now, he just kept saying he felt happier than he ever felt before.
Speaker C:Even before he got sick.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's really powerful.
Speaker B:It shows how changing that internal lens can unlock so much happiness.
Speaker B:Even when things aren't perfect, even with ongoing challenges.
Speaker C:It really does.
Speaker B:So, okay, someone listening might be thinking.
Speaker B:Right, I get it.
Speaker B:Thoughts matter.
Speaker B:But how do I actually do that?
Speaker B:How do I train my brain to think in ways that make me happier?
Speaker B:What are some, like, real things people can do?
Speaker C:Yeah, that's the million dollar question, isn't it?
Speaker C:How do we put it into practice?
Speaker C:Well, the good news is research points to some really effective habits, things we can actually build into our lives.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Two big ones that keep coming up are practicing gratitude and practicing generosity.
Speaker B:Gratitude and generosity.
Speaker B:Okay, let's take gratitude first.
Speaker B:So, sounds simple, but how do we make it more than just a quick passing thought?
Speaker C:Well, it's about actively consciously pointing our attention towards the good things, focusing on what we have, not what's missing.
Speaker B:Right, shifting focus.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And one really practical way is starting a daily Gratitude habit, like keeping a little journal every day, just jot down maybe three new things you're grateful for.
Speaker B:Three new things.
Speaker B:That sounds doable.
Speaker B:Even on bad days, you could probably find three small things.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:Could be tiny, good cup of coffee, you know, bit of sunshine through the window, someone holding a door open, a kind word.
Speaker C:Other ways.
Speaker C:Maybe just take a minute or two each day to mentally run through some good things in your life.
Speaker C:Or make a point of telling your partner or a friend something you appreciate about them.
Speaker C:Or something good that happened.
Speaker B:Sharing it.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Just the act of consciously noticing and appreciating those little everyday joys, it adds up.
Speaker C:It really has a cumulative effect.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes sense.
Speaker B:Practice makes perfect, or at least makes it more natural.
Speaker B:Now, what about generosity?
Speaker B:How does being generous make us happier?
Speaker B:It feels a bit backward almost.
Speaker C:I know, it can seem counterintuitive, right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Giving things away or helping others to make yourself feel better.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:But actually, tons of studies show just that engaging in acts of kindness, even really small ones, gives our own happiness levels a significant boost.
Speaker C:There's this sort of positive feedback loop.
Speaker C:We give.
Speaker C:We feel good.
Speaker B:Huh.
Speaker B:So what kind of things count?
Speaker B:Does it have to be big gestures?
Speaker C:Not at all.
Speaker C:It could be volunteering somewhere, sure.
Speaker C:But it could also be helping a friend move a box, you know, or offering to grab groceries for a neighbor.
Speaker C:Even just paying someone a genuine compliment.
Speaker C:Or making an effort to smile at people you pass on the street.
Speaker C:These little things, they build connection.
Speaker C:They give us a sense of purpose.
Speaker C:And those are huge for overall well being.
Speaker B:So it's not just about getting stuff.
Speaker B:It's the act of giving, of connecting with others.
Speaker B:That's why it boosts our happiness.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:And the really cool thing is if you practice both gratitude and generosity consistently.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:It can create this like, upward spiral.
Speaker B:How so?
Speaker C:Well, you're feeling happier, more content, more focused on the positive.
Speaker C:And that can actually make you less likely to fly off the handle at small frustrations.
Speaker B:Ah, okay, so it circles back to the anger thing.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:When you've got this baseline of contentment, maybe those little annoyances, the things that used to trigger big anger, they just don't have the same power over you.
Speaker B:Interesting.
Speaker B:So really, it all comes back to this core idea, doesn't it?
Speaker B:Our internal state, our thoughts, they are the main thing driving how we experience everything.
Speaker B:The bad stuff like anger, and the good stuff like happiness.
Speaker C:That's the absolute bedrock.
Speaker C:You're thinking is arguably the most powerful factor in your emotional life.
Speaker C:Full stop.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker C:And the really empowering part of that.
Speaker C:We actually have way more control over our thoughts than we usually think we do.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:So we really hope you listening might think about how you could start weaving these ideas into your own life.
Speaker B:You know what's one small thing you could try today?
Speaker B:A little bit more gratitude.
Speaker B:One small act of generosity.
Speaker C:Just starting somewhere is key.
Speaker B:And look, if you are struggling specifically with anger and you want more tools and strategies, remember how closely linked it all is.
Speaker B:We really do recommend checking out Alistair's website.
Speaker C:It's angersecrets.com yeah, there's some great free training there.
Speaker C:Really practical stuff on controlling anger, understanding your emotions better, and building, well, happier relationships too.
Speaker B:It's definitely a valuable resource if you're looking to get a better handle on those emotional responses.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker B:So as we finish up this deep dive, maybe just leave you with this thought.
Speaker B:You can't control other people, but you absolutely can work on shaping your inner world.
Speaker B:And that starts with your thinking.
Speaker C:Change your thinking and you really can change your life.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into how your thoughts shape your happiness and your anger both helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's quickly go over a few of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:First, Jake and Sarah talked about the ETFA model.
Speaker A:This stands for Event Thought, Feeling Action.
Speaker A:What this means is that it's not the events around you that create your emotions, your thoughts about those events.
Speaker A:And learning to recognize that chain gives you real power to change how you respond both to frustration and to life itself.
Speaker A:Second, we heard Jason's story.
Speaker A:A powerful reminder that even in the face of real hardship, choosing to shift your perspective can unlock a deeper sense of joy, gratitude and meaning.
Speaker A:It's not about denying challenges, it's about seeing life through a new lens.
Speaker A:Third, Jake and Sarah shared two simple research backed habits that can make a huge difference.
Speaker A:Practicing daily gratitude and finding small ways to be generous.
Speaker A:These habits might seem small, but over time they build resilience, contentment and emotional strength, making you less likely to get stuck in frustration and more likely to feel grounded and at peace.
Speaker A:And finally, the big takeaway from today's episode, you have more control over your internal world than you might think.
Speaker A:Shifting your thoughts even slightly can shift your emotions.
Speaker A:And that small shift can change your entire experience of life.
Speaker A:Remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it.
Speaker A:Try it.
Speaker A:See what shifts.
Speaker A:If this episode was useful to you in any way, I'd love it if you'd follow the podcast and leave a quick rating or review.
Speaker A:It really helps others find this show and get the support they need too.
Speaker A:And if you want to take the next step in your anger management journey, I've got some free resources waiting for you.
Speaker A:Head over to angersecrets.com for a free training or to book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:Or if you're ready to address your anger issues right now, check out angersecrets.com course to jump into my powerful online program, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:It's the same system I've used to help over 15,000 people take control of their anger and it will help you too.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today.
Speaker A:Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:See you next time.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
