For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
A Time-Out can be a powerful tool for managing anger. In today’s podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs discusses how to use a Time-Out effectively to cool down before anger escalates too far.
Alastair emphasises that it’s not about avoiding issues but about taking a moment to self-regulate. This episode highlights the importance of recognising physical and emotional cues that signal it’s time for a Time-Out and how to re-connect after cooling down.
By using Time-Outs wisely, listeners can foster calmer, healthier and more respectful relationships.
Key Takeaways:
- Time-Outs aren’t about escaping conflict; they’re about stepping back to cool down and think.
- Creating a Time-Out plan before conflicts arise is essential for effective communication and trust.
- Recognising the early signs of anger helps in calling a Time-Out before it escalates into something worse.
- During a Time-Out, focus on self-soothing techniques like mindfulness and deep breathing to calm down.
- Re-connecting after a Time-Out should be gentle and aim to repair the relationship, not jump back into conflict.
- Setting a specific time for a Time-Out is crucial so both parties know what to expect and can manage their emotions.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Imagine you're in the middle of a conversation, your voice is getting louder, your chest is tightening.
Speaker A:You know you're just seconds away from saying something you'll regret.
Speaker A:What if right there, you had a way to pause, a way to step back before anger takes over, A way to cool down without walking away from the relationship.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I'll unpack how a simple, well planned timeout can give you that power, helping you control your anger and stay in control even when your emotions are running high.
Speaker A:So if you've ever wished for a way to slow things down and stay in control of your anger, even in the heat of the moment, this episode is for you.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 31 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dews, and over the last 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women take control of their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, more loving relationships.
Speaker A:On this podcast, I combine that experience with the power of AI to bring you powerful, practical tools you can use right away to take back control of your life.
Speaker A:Today's topic is all about using a tool that can be both used well or poorly.
Speaker A:So to help unpack this powerful topic, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss how to use time out the right way.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, because after their conversation, I'll be back to wrap things up and share a few thoughts of my own, including how you can take the next step toward controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Alright, let's get into it.
Speaker A:Here's Jake and Sarah.
Speaker B:You know that feeling when a conversation starts to heat up, your heart begins to race and you just think, oh, no, this isn't going to end well.
Speaker C:Definitely.
Speaker B:Or maybe you've replayed an argument later and wished you'd had a way to just, well, pause it right in the moment.
Speaker C:Yeah, like a big red pause button for life sometimes.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:If you've ever felt that, you're definitely not alone.
Speaker B:And today we're going to dig into a really practical technique for that.
Speaker C:We are.
Speaker C:We're doing a deep dive into using a timeout as a tool, you know, for managing anger.
Speaker C:Okay, now this isn't about, like, ignoring problems or trying to shut down communication.
Speaker C:Not at all.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Instead, it's a very conscious decision.
Speaker C:You choose to temporarily step away from the situation when you feel your anger starting to climb.
Speaker B:Okay, so it's like hitting the brakes.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Before things get out of control.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:The idea is to stop Those disagreements turning into something, well, destructive.
Speaker C:You know, arguments that become abusive or even violent.
Speaker C:It just gives everyone a chance to dial down the intensity so you can hopefully come back later and have a more productive chat.
Speaker B:And that's a key difference, isn't it?
Speaker B:It's not about storming off to punish someone.
Speaker C:No, absolutely.
Speaker C:A really important point here is that a timeout, when it's done right, is about self regulation.
Speaker B:Self regulation.
Speaker C:It's about recognizing what's happening inside you and taking responsibility for your own feelings, not about trying to control the other person by, you know, just walking out on them.
Speaker B:Right, because we've probably all seen or maybe even done a timeout that just backfired, haven't we?
Speaker C:Oh, for sure.
Speaker B:Where someone felt abandoned or dismissed or maybe even angrier.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Which is why understanding how to use this tool effectively is so important.
Speaker C:And interestingly, that often starts way before you even feel angry.
Speaker B:Okay, wait.
Speaker B:So the groundwork you lay when everyone is calm, that's the key.
Speaker C:That's fascinating.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:It's absolutely crucial for a timeout to actually work when things get heated later on.
Speaker B:Okay, let's unpack this.
Speaker B:You're saying having a plan in place before an argument even kicks off is the secret sauce?
Speaker C:Pretty much, yeah.
Speaker C:Having that discussion, agreeing on how timeouts will actually work in your relationship, it's vital.
Speaker B:Why is that so important?
Speaker C:Well, because that shared understanding ensures that when.
Speaker C:When someone calls for a timeout, it's not seen as like an attack or avoidance.
Speaker C:It's seen as a strategy for managing your own emotions, not blaming the other person.
Speaker B:Okay, so if we're going to sit down and have this calm conversation, what are the absolute essentials we need to agree on beforehand?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:There are several key things.
Speaker C:First, you really need to agree on when a timeout will be taken.
Speaker C:Like, what are the specific signs?
Speaker C:What tells you it's time?
Speaker B:Okay, the when.
Speaker B:Got it.
Speaker C:Second, how long will the timeout last?
Speaker C:Agreeing on a specific time helps manage expectations.
Speaker C:You know, so no one's left hanging.
Speaker B:Makes sense.
Speaker B:What else?
Speaker C:Third, where will the person taking the timeout actually go?
Speaker B:Okay, the location.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And finally, what happens when the timeout is over?
Speaker C:How do you reconnect?
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:That covers a lot of ground.
Speaker B:It takes away the guesswork.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Especially when tensions are high.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It removes ambiguity, potential for misinterpretation.
Speaker C:It's like having a safety protocol in.
Speaker B:Place, like a fire drill, but for arguments.
Speaker C:Sort of.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Everyone knows what to do if things start getting too hot.
Speaker C:And having these agreements in advance.
Speaker C:It really builds trust.
Speaker C:Shows you're both committed to handling conflict better.
Speaker B:Okay, so we've got our pre agreement sorted.
Speaker B:Now let's talk about that moment itself.
Speaker B:You feel that familiar heat rising.
Speaker B:How do you actually know when it's the right time to call it?
Speaker C:This is where self awareness is just.
Speaker C:Well, everything.
Speaker C:You want to initiate that time out before you hit the point of no return.
Speaker B:The point of no return?
Speaker C:Yeah, you know, when anger completely floods your system and frankly, constructive conversation is just impossible.
Speaker C:Your thinking brain is offline.
Speaker C:And even more critically, it's about stepping back before you might say or do something abusive.
Speaker C:Physically, emotionally, verbally, any of it.
Speaker B:So it's preventative?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:That physical separation gives your nervous system a chance to sort of calm down.
Speaker C:It lets your prefrontal cortex, the rational thinking part of your brain, get back in the driver's seat.
Speaker B:Okay, so what are some of those internal red flags, the signals that should tell us.
Speaker B:Okay, time out.
Speaker B:Time now.
Speaker C:Well, think about those physical and emotional cues.
Speaker C:Maybe you start feeling really overwhelmed, or your muscles get super tense.
Speaker C:Perhaps your voice gets louder, maybe shaky, or the tone just becomes aggressive.
Speaker B:Yeah, I recognize that.
Speaker C:Or you might just have that feeling like you're about to explode or say something you'll instantly regret.
Speaker C:Those are all big signals, right?
Speaker B:Really tuning in to your body and mind.
Speaker B:But, okay, in that intense moment, what do you actually say?
Speaker B:How do you initiate it without pouring fuel on the fire?
Speaker C:Keep it simple.
Speaker C:Keep it clear.
Speaker C:That's crucial.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:You could say something really direct like, I need to take a timeout right now.
Speaker B:Just like that.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Or I need a timeout.
Speaker C:I'll be back in and state the agreed time.
Speaker C:20 minutes, an hour, whatever.
Speaker C:You agreed.
Speaker B:So I need to take a timeout now.
Speaker B:I'll be back in 30 minutes exactly.
Speaker C:The really important thing is to state your need without placing blame or, like, launching another attack.
Speaker B:Gotcha.
Speaker B:And what should you definitely not do or say?
Speaker B:What are the pitfalls here?
Speaker C:Oh, good question.
Speaker C:Definitely avoid blaming the other person for.
Speaker C:For why you need the timeout.
Speaker C:Like, you're making me so angry, I have to leave.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:No use statements.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Don't use harsh or sarcastic or disrespectful language that just escalates things.
Speaker C:And definitely don't imply that you're taking the time out because they are wrong or because they're the problem that totally undermines the whole point and could feel incredibly invalidating to the other person.
Speaker B:Okay, so you've said your piece calmly.
Speaker B:I need a timeout.
Speaker B:Back In X minutes?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:What's the very next step?
Speaker B:Where do you go?
Speaker B:What do you do?
Speaker C:Right the where.
Speaker C:It's important.
Speaker C:Once you've said you need the timeout, you need to actually leave immediately.
Speaker C:Create that physical distance.
Speaker C:No lingering.
Speaker C:Don't stand in the doorway, Try and get in one last word.
Speaker C:Or continue the argument from the next room.
Speaker C:That defeats the purpose.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:If you had that pre discussion, you should have an agreed upon location or at least types of locations.
Speaker C:Sticking to that agreement reinforces the trust.
Speaker B:So no following the person who called the time out?
Speaker C:Absolutely not.
Speaker C:Respect the space.
Speaker C:Think separate rooms in the house.
Speaker C:Maybe stepping outside for some air, a walk around the block, maybe a park.
Speaker C:If that was agreed.
Speaker C:Even going to a friend's place, if that was explicitly part of your plan.
Speaker B:The key is separation.
Speaker C:Physical separation.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:To let those intense emotions start to settle.
Speaker C:And here's another key thing.
Speaker C:Respect the agreed upon time.
Speaker B:Even if you feel calm sooner.
Speaker C:Yes, Even if you feel calmer after 10 minutes.
Speaker C:But you agreed on 30.
Speaker C:Wait, the 30.
Speaker C:The other person might still need that full time to regulate themselves.
Speaker C:Rushing back can feel like pressure.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Good point.
Speaker B:So what's the goal during this timeout?
Speaker B:Just sit there fuming?
Speaker A:Ugh.
Speaker C:No.
Speaker C:Definitely not.
Speaker C:This is meant to be an active period for self soothing and de escalation.
Speaker B:Okay, active.
Speaker B:What does that look like?
Speaker C:Well, things like mindfulness techniques can be really helpful.
Speaker C:Focusing on your breath.
Speaker C:Maybe a short guided meditation on your phone.
Speaker C:Visualizing a calm place.
Speaker C:Listening to some calming music can work wonders too.
Speaker C:Or some people find it useful to actively remind themselves why they value the relationship, why they want to resolve this constructively.
Speaker B:So you're actively trying to bring the emotional temperature down?
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:That's the whole point of the break.
Speaker C:To use that time productively for calming yourself.
Speaker B:Okay, the timer goes off, the agreed time is up.
Speaker B:You walk back into the room.
Speaker B:Or reconnect.
Speaker B:What happens then?
Speaker B:Is it straight back into the argument?
Speaker C:Hopefully not.
Speaker C:This next phase is really critical.
Speaker C:It's about repairing the connection.
Speaker B:Repairing?
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker C:When you reconnect, make a conscious effort to ease back in gently.
Speaker C:Don't just jump back into the conflict.
Speaker B:How do you do that?
Speaker C:It might be a simple physical gesture like a hug, if that feels right for both of you.
Speaker C:Or simple apology for your part in the escalation.
Speaker C:Sorry, that got so heated.
Speaker C:Or even just consciously speaking to each other in a softer kinder tone.
Speaker C:It's about acknowledging the tension that was there and actively trying to suit it together.
Speaker B:So letting the dust settle first.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Once that immediate intensity has definitely lessened, then you can both decide if the original issue still needs to be tackled right away.
Speaker B:And it might not.
Speaker C:It might not.
Speaker C:Or you might decide it does, but not right now.
Speaker C:It's often really helpful to agree on a specific time to revisit it.
Speaker C:Maybe later that evening, or even giving it a day or two.
Speaker B:Why wait longer?
Speaker C:Sometimes a bit more time allows emotions to fully settle and maybe allows for some clearer thinking about the actual issue, not just the feelings around it.
Speaker B:Okay, and when you do decide to revisit the original issue, how can you make sure that conversation goes better than the first time?
Speaker C:That's key.
Speaker C:You need to talk about how you'll talk about it differently.
Speaker B:Meta communication.
Speaker C:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker C:Maybe you agree to take specific turns speaking, no interruptions, or you consciously decide to look for common ground first.
Speaker C:Some couples find it helpful to have like bullet points written down, or maybe for really tough topics, agree to have a neutral third person present if possible.
Speaker C:Or just commit to doing a bit more research or thinking individually beforehand.
Speaker B:So setting yourselves up for success the second time around.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:The goal is to approach it more productively, less emotionally charged.
Speaker B:Okay, so pulling this all together, taking a time out effectively, it's really not about running away from the problem, is it?
Speaker C:Not at all.
Speaker C:It's a proactive step.
Speaker C:It's designed to prevent things from escalating, from blowing up.
Speaker B:It's a tool for self regulation, managing your own anger.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:And when you do it right, following these kinds of steps, it actually shows a real commitment.
Speaker C:A commitment to handling your anger constructively and preserving the relationship.
Speaker B:That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker C:And look, if you want to explore this much deeper, get more specific strategies for different kinds of situations, or learn about a whole comprehensive system for anger management, we really Recommend checking out angersecrets.com Alistair developed a huge wealth of resources and support there.
Speaker C:Really practical stuff to help you gain much greater control over your anger.
Speaker B:That sounds incredibly useful.
Speaker B:So that's angersecrets.com it really is a fantastic place for more in depth info and support on this.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into the power of using timeouts helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's quickly go over a few of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:First, Jake and Sarah talked about what a timeout is really about.
Speaker A:It's not about running away from conflict, but stepping back with purpose.
Speaker A:It's a tool for self regulation, giving yourself and your relationship the space needed to cool down and reconnect, not escalate further.
Speaker A:Second, Jake and Sarah explored how critical it is to set up a timeout plan before conflict happens.
Speaker A:Having a clear, shared understanding about when, where and how timeouts will be used removes confusion and builds trust, especially when emotions are running high.
Speaker A:Third, Jake and Sarah shared the key signs that tell you it's time to call a timeout.
Speaker A:Things like your voice getting louder, feeling your body tense up, or that rising urge to say something you'll regret.
Speaker A:Learning to spot these early warning signs gives you a real chance to stay in control before things spiral.
Speaker A:And finally, Jake and Sarah talked about what to actually do during a timeout.
Speaker A:It's not about stewing or staying angry.
Speaker A:It's about actively calming yourself.
Speaker A:Whether it's deep breathing, taking a short walk, or reminding yourself why your relationship matters, using that time wisely can make all the difference when you come back together.
Speaker A:Remember, real change doesn't happen just by listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it.
Speaker A:Try it.
Speaker A:See what shifts.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:If this episode was useful to you in any way, I'd love it if you'd follow the podcast and leave a quick rating or review.
Speaker A:It really helps others find the show and get the support they need too.
Speaker A:And if you want to take the next step in your anger management journey, I've got some free resources waiting for you.
Speaker A:Head over to angersecrets.com for a free training or to book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:Or if you're ready to address your anger issues right now, check out angersecrets.com course to jump into my powerful online program, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:It's the same system I've used to help over 15,000 people take control of their anger and it will help you too.
Speaker A:Ok, that's it for today.
Speaker A:Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:See you next time.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
