For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode anger expert Alastair Duhs delves into the idea that the real danger in conflict isn’t about winning the argument, but rather about losing connection with one’s partner. Alastair emphasises that proving a point often comes at a high cost to trust and closeness.
Learn five strategies that encourage understanding and respect during conflicts, including highlighting the importance of listening and maintaining respectful dialogue. By focusing on understanding your partner rather than winning, relationships can grow stronger even through tough conversations.
key Takeaways:
- In arguments, proving you’re right can cost much more than you think.
- The real danger in conflict is losing connection with your partner, not just the fight.
- Shifting from winning to understanding can strengthen relationships during tough conversations.
- Recognising your own anger signs is crucial for managing conflicts effectively.
- Listening to understand, not just to respond, can lower tension and improve communication.
- Setting ground rules for disagreements helps maintain respect and keeps conflicts constructive.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
In the heat of an argument, have you ever caught yourself thinking, I just need to prove I'm right.
Speaker A:But what if that small victory, proving your point, winning the debate, was actually costing you something far bigger?
Speaker A:Trust, closeness, Respect.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I'll unpack why the real danger in conflict isn't losing the fight, it's losing connection with your partner.
Speaker A:I'll also share five powerful strategies for shifting away from needing to win and towards something far more rewarding.
Speaker A:Real understanding, real solutions and relationships that actually grow stronger, not weaker, after tough conversations.
Speaker A:So if you're ready to handle conflict with more calmness, more courage, and more heart, this episode is for you.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 32 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dwes, and over the last 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women take control of their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, more loving relationships.
Speaker A:On this podcast, I combine that experience with the power of AI to bring you powerful, practical tools you can use right away to take back control of your life.
Speaker A:Today's topic is all about handling conflict in your closest relationships without letting anger, blame or frustration tear things apart.
Speaker A:As always, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to take a deep dive into five techniques to handle conflict in relationships the right way.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode too, because after their conversation, I'll be back to wrap things up and share a few thoughts of my own, including how you can take the next step toward controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Alright, let's get into it.
Speaker A:Here's Jake and Sarah.
Speaker B:Have you ever found yourself in one of those little disagreements, you know, with someone you really care about and it's just like completely spirals?
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker C:Or maybe you walk away afterwards just feeling, well, totally misunderstood?
Speaker C:Frustrated.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:It happens to, I think, pretty much everyone, right?
Speaker B:Navigating conflict in relationships, it's a real skill.
Speaker C:It really is.
Speaker C:And it's something we can all get better at.
Speaker B:So that's what we're diving into today.
Speaker B:We're going to explore some key strategies for handling those inevitable clashes that pop up in our close relationships.
Speaker C:Yeah, and we're drawing on some really solid insights here based on decades of work helping people manage a emotions and build healthier connections.
Speaker B:Great.
Speaker B:So let's jump in.
Speaker B:The first big thing seems to be about ourselves, right?
Speaker B:When things get heated, emotions just.
Speaker B:Well, they take over.
Speaker C:They really do.
Speaker C:It becomes incredibly hard to think clearly, let alone find a constructive solution.
Speaker B:So why is Getting a grip on our own anger, the absolute starting point.
Speaker C:Well, it's because anger can actually hijack your brain.
Speaker C:Basically, your fight or flight response kicks in, and that makes it so much harder to use the rational parts of your brain.
Speaker C:So, look, expressing your views, your feelings, that's important.
Speaker C:Of course it is.
Speaker C:But acting out in anger, shouting, blaming, whatever it is, that's just not okay.
Speaker C:And it really blocks any kind of resolution.
Speaker B:Okay, so it's like trying to have a delicate conversation with a foghorn.
Speaker C:Kind of, yeah.
Speaker C:So the first step is recognizing your own, like, early warning signs.
Speaker B:What do you mean by warning signs?
Speaker C:You know, those little physical or mental cues that tell you you're starting to get worked up, maybe your chest tightens or you clench your jaw, or your thoughts start racing.
Speaker C:Exactly those things.
Speaker C:If you can catch those early signs, you can intervene before it really escalates.
Speaker B:What can you actually do in that moment?
Speaker C:Well, this is where something like self talk comes in.
Speaker C:It can be surprisingly powerful.
Speaker B:Self talk.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Like talking to yourself.
Speaker C:Yeah, but internally, you know?
Speaker C:So instead of letting your thoughts spiral into blaming the other person, they always do this.
Speaker C:You consciously interrupt that.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:You say something to yourself like, okay, I feel angry.
Speaker C:That's real.
Speaker C:But I don't have to explode right now.
Speaker C:I can breathe.
Speaker B:Hmm.
Speaker B:Creating a pause.
Speaker B:Like a little mental speed bump.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:It creates that crucial bit of space between the feeling and your reaction.
Speaker B:Okay, but what if, you know, you miss those early signs or things just escalate super fast and you feel really angry already?
Speaker C:That's where taking a time out can be a lifesaver.
Speaker C:But it's important how you do it.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It can't be like storming off in a huff.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It needs to be something you've ideally talked about and agreed on beforehand when things are calm.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:So either person can say, look, I need, say, 10 minutes to cool down.
Speaker C:And the understanding is you will come back to the conversation later when you're both calmer.
Speaker B:So it prevents that complete meltdown moment?
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:It stops things from just boiling over into saying things you regret or getting completely stuck managing your own anger first.
Speaker C:That's the cornerstone.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker B:So step one, manage yourself.
Speaker B:Now, once we're a bit calmer, how do we actually approach the disagreement itself?
Speaker B:Because, honestly, my gut reaction is often, well, I want to prove I'm right.
Speaker C:And that's so common.
Speaker C:It's almost instinctive, isn't it?
Speaker C:But here's the thing to really think about.
Speaker C:If your main goal is to Win the argument?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Then the other person usually feels like they've lost.
Speaker C:And in a relationship you care about that feeling of losing, it just builds up resentment.
Speaker C:It causes problems later.
Speaker B:So winning is actually losing in the long run?
Speaker C:In a way, yes.
Speaker C:If the relationship suffers because one person feels defeated or unheard, then.
Speaker C:Then nobody really won, did they?
Speaker B:That's a powerful reframe.
Speaker B:Okay, so if we're not aiming to win, what should we be aiming for?
Speaker C:Understanding.
Speaker C:That's the key shift.
Speaker C:Focus on genuinely trying to understand the other person's perspective.
Speaker C:What's really going on for them?
Speaker B:Like what are they feeling?
Speaker B:What do they need?
Speaker C:Exactly?
Speaker C:What are their concerns?
Speaker C:Why do they see it this way?
Speaker C:When you approach it with that curiosity, that desire to understand, okay.
Speaker C:It completely changes the dynamic.
Speaker C:It opens the door to finding a solution that actually works for both of you.
Speaker C:A genuine win win, where both people.
Speaker B:Feel heard and like their needs matter.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:Which leads us straight into the next crucial piece.
Speaker C:Listening.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But not just waiting for them to stop talking so I can jump in with my point Exactly.
Speaker C:There's a world of difference between listening to respond.
Speaker C:You know, formulating your counter argument in your head while they're still talking.
Speaker B:Guilty as charged.
Speaker C:Sometimes we all are.
Speaker C:But the goal is listening to understand.
Speaker C:Really trying to grasp what they're saying, the meaning behind the words, the feelings involved.
Speaker B:Okay, how do we actually do that better?
Speaker B:Because it sounds simple, but in the.
Speaker C:Heat of the moment, one really practical thing is to ask clarifying questions.
Speaker C:Don't just assume you know what they mean.
Speaker C:Things like.
Speaker C:Okay, let me see if I've got this right.
Speaker C:Are you saying you feel.
Speaker C:Or could you tell me a bit more about why that part is so important to you?
Speaker B:Ah, checking your understanding.
Speaker C:Yes, it does two things.
Speaker C:It helps you actually understand and it shows them you're genuinely trying to get it.
Speaker C:So many arguments happen just because people are misunderstanding each other's core point or feeling.
Speaker B:That makes total sense.
Speaker B:Just asking can defuse things.
Speaker B:Sometimes I imagine it really can.
Speaker C:It shows you're engaged in understanding, not just attacking.
Speaker B:And I suppose all of this managing anger, seeking understanding, listening properly, it all rests on, well, respect.
Speaker C:Absolutely fundamental.
Speaker C:You can disagree, even strongly, but you have to maintain mutual respect.
Speaker C:That's the foundation.
Speaker B:But anger makes that hard, doesn't it?
Speaker B:It kind of strips away the filters.
Speaker C:It really does.
Speaker C:In those heated moments, it's easy to forget basic courtesy to say things that are hurtful or unfair, things you definitely regret later.
Speaker B:So how do we keep respect in the picture when things get tense again.
Speaker C:Talking about it beforehand can be really helpful.
Speaker C:Establishing some basic ground rules for disagreements.
Speaker B:Okay, like what sort of rules?
Speaker C:Simple things really.
Speaker C:Like agree.
Speaker C:No name calling, no interrupting constantly.
Speaker C:Try not to raise your voices excessively.
Speaker C:No dredging up unrelated past issues.
Speaker C:You know, no personal attacks.
Speaker B:Stick to the actual issue at hand.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:These kinds of rules create a.
Speaker C:A safer container for the conversation.
Speaker C:Both people feel a bit more protected, making it easier to actually share feelings honestly without fearing attack.
Speaker B:Like guardrails.
Speaker B:Keeping the conversation on the road.
Speaker C:That's a way to put it.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:One more thing that seems important is do we have to argue about everything?
Speaker C:Ah, choosing your battles.
Speaker C:Very wise point.
Speaker C:No, absolutely not.
Speaker C:Not every single point of friction needs to become a full blown argument.
Speaker B:It's exhausting, for one thing.
Speaker C:It really is.
Speaker C:And it drains energy you might need for the bigger, more important issues.
Speaker C:So it's about discernment.
Speaker C:Ask yourself, is this really worth arguing about right now?
Speaker C:How important is this in the grand scheme of our relationship?
Speaker C:Sometimes the wisest thing is just to, well, let the small stuff go.
Speaker C:Agree to disagree, perhaps save your energy.
Speaker B:For the conversations that truly matter.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker B:Okay, this has been incredibly helpful.
Speaker B:So if we were to kind of wrap up the key takeaways for navigating.
Speaker C:Conflict better, I'd say number one is get a handle on your own anger.
Speaker C:First, recognize your signs.
Speaker C:Use self talk.
Speaker C:Take a time out if needed.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And number two, shift from trying to win to trying to understand.
Speaker B:Focus on their perspective.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Then third, listen to actually understand, not just to reply.
Speaker C:Ask those clarifying questions.
Speaker B:Got it.
Speaker B:And fourth, always maintain that bedrock of respect.
Speaker B:Maybe set some ground rules.
Speaker C:And finally, choose your battles.
Speaker C:Don't feel you have to fight over every little thing.
Speaker C:Ask if it's worth it.
Speaker B:Those are really practical, actionable steps, things you can start trying, you know, today.
Speaker C:Definitely.
Speaker C:And if you feel like you need more tools, especially around managing that initial.
Speaker B:Anger, where can people go?
Speaker C:Alistair Duss, who we mentioned earlier, has some excellent resources.
Speaker C:His website, angersecrets.com has a.
Speaker C:A really great free training session.
Speaker C:Oh, cool.
Speaker B:What's it cover?
Speaker C:It's all about controlling anger, mastering your emotions.
Speaker C:Aimed specifically at creating calmer, happier relationships.
Speaker C:It's got loads of practical tips, tools, techniques you can use to see results pretty quickly.
Speaker B:Fantastic.
Speaker B:So that's angersecrets.com for the free training.
Speaker B:Definitely worth checking out.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker B:You know, really boils down to this, doesn't it?
Speaker B:You can't ultimately control how someone else behaves in a conflict.
Speaker B:No, you can't but you absolutely can control yourself.
Speaker B:Your reactions, your approach, how you choose to navigate those difficult moments.
Speaker B:And it's pretty empowering.
Speaker C:It really is.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into handling relationship conflict in a calmer, more connected way helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to quickly go over some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:First, they talked about why managing your own anger is the starting point for for any healthy conflict.
Speaker A:Catching those early signs like racing thoughts, tension in your body, or that urge to win can give you just enough space to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting in ways you might regret.
Speaker A:Second, they explored why trying to win an argument almost always leads to losing something more important.
Speaker A:Trust, closeness, and connection.
Speaker A:Shifting your goal from winning to understanding changes everything, and it can turn a heated moment into a real opportunity to grow closer, not further apart.
Speaker A:Third, we heard about the power of real listening.
Speaker A:Listening to truly understand, not just to argue back.
Speaker A:Asking simple, clarifying questions can lower the emotional temperature and show the other person that their feelings really do matter to you.
Speaker A:And finally, Jake and Sarah reminded us that respect is non negotiable even when things get tense.
Speaker A:Setting basic ground rules for arguments like no name calling, no interruptions, and no dragging up the past helps keep conflict from turning destructive and keeps the relationship strong even through disagreements.
Speaker A:Remember, real change doesn't happen just by listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it.
Speaker A:Try it.
Speaker A:See what shifts.
Speaker A:Okay, if this episode was useful to you in any way, I'd love it if you'd follow the podcast and leave a quick rating or review.
Speaker A:It really helps others find this show and get the support they need too.
Speaker A:And if you want to take the next step in your anger management journey, I've got some free resources waiting for you.
Speaker A:Head over to angersecrets.com for a free training or to book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:Or if you're ready to address your anger issues right now, check out angersecrets.com course to jump into my powerful online program, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:It's the same system I've used to help over 15,000 people take control of their anger and it will help you too.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today.
Speaker A:Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:See you next time.
Speaker D:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
