For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Is it normal to fight with someone you love? Absolutely. But how you fight makes all the difference. In this powerful episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs — joined by AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah — explores what healthy conflict actually looks like.
You’ll discover how even difficult arguments can become turning points for connection, growth, and trust when you approach them with the right tools and mindset.
Key Takeaways:
Arguments are normal — and not a sign of failure. Conflict happens in every relationship. The goal isn’t to avoid arguments, but to navigate them respectfully and constructively.
Most fights aren’t about the dishes. Beneath many arguments lies an unmet emotional need — like feeling unheard, unvalued or disconnected.
Use “I” statements to reduce defensiveness. Phrasing like “I feel hurt when…” keeps the focus on your experience and prevents blame from derailing the conversation.
Listen to understand, not to win. By slowing down and really hearing your partner, you create space for empathy, not escalation.
Work together to find solutions. Approach conflict as teammates, not opponents — and look for resolutions that work for both of you.
Repair matters. Apologising, owning your part and reconnecting after a fight builds safety and deepens trust over time.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Is it normal to argue with someone you love?
Speaker A:And if it is, is it possible to fight with your partner without saying things you regret and without doing damage you can't take back?
Speaker A:And finally, what if arguments aren't a sign your relationship is failing, but a sign that something deeper is trying to surface?
Speaker A:In today's episode, we explore these questions and more and take a deep dive into what healthy arguing actually looks like and how even your hardest moments in your relationship can become opportunities to build trust, grow together, and finally be heard.
Speaker A:And if you're here today listening, it already says something powerful.
Speaker A:You're not giving up, and you're choosing change.
Speaker A:So stay with us, because this episode might just shift the way you see your next argument and open the door to a happier, more loving and connected relationship.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 40 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss whether fighting is normal in a relationship, and if so, how to fight in a constructive, healthy, and respectful way.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to control your anger, master your emotions, and create a calmer, happier, and more loving relationship once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever found yourself, like, caught in an argument that just escalated seemingly out of nowhere before you even really registered what was happening?
Speaker B:Or maybe you've looked back at, you know, a small disagreement with someone you love, your partner, maybe, and wondered, how did that spiral into such a big issue?
Speaker C:Yeah, that's so common.
Speaker B:It's a familiar feeling for so many of us, isn't it?
Speaker B:Whether the friction points are big things like finances or raising kids, or even something simple like whose turn it is to do the dishes.
Speaker B:You know, disagreements are just part of life.
Speaker C:They really are.
Speaker B:And it's incredibly common to grapple with that feeling that maybe these arguments are a red flag, a sign that something's fundamentally wrong in your relationship, or that there's some deeper problem lurking Beneath the surface.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:That worry is definitely out there.
Speaker B:So today on the deep dive, we're taking a close look at a question we hear a lot.
Speaker B:Are arguments normal in a relationship?
Speaker B:Our mission today is to pull out the most important nuggets of knowledge.
Speaker B:We're going to unpack why arguments happen, what they can really signify for the health and, well, growth of your relationship, and crucially, how to manage them in a healthy, constructive way.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:We'll even share some powerful tips to help you and your partner maybe transform those disagreements into real opportunities for growth and a much deeper understanding.
Speaker C:Well, it's such a vital question, and one that resonates deeply because, like you said, we all experience it.
Speaker C:Many people genuinely feel that any disagreement is problematic, that it's inherently negative.
Speaker C:But if we're going to understand if arguments are normal, we first need to peel back the layers and figure out why they happen in the first place.
Speaker B:Okay, let's unpack this then.
Speaker B:It sounds like there's this common misconception, maybe that arguments are always bad news.
Speaker C:Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker B:So what's really at the root of these relationship clashes?
Speaker C:Often it boils down to misunderstandings or miscommunications.
Speaker C:Simple as that.
Speaker C:Sometimes.
Speaker C:Think about it.
Speaker C:Each of us steps into a relationship carrying our own unique set of hopes, dreams, values, a whole lifetime of expectations.
Speaker C:Really?
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Old baggage, Kind of.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And when those individual internal worlds collide, or when our communication styles are just different, arguments can ignite pretty quickly.
Speaker C:It's not usually about one person deliberately being difficult.
Speaker C:It's more just the natural friction that happens when two complex individuals interact.
Speaker C:It's like two different operating systems trying to run the same program.
Speaker C:Without a clear translation layer, things get lost.
Speaker B:That makes so much sense.
Speaker B:So it's not necessarily malicious intent, but often just a clash of perspectives.
Speaker B:Deeply ingrained stuff.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker B:What else can spark these disagreements then?
Speaker C:Okay, so building on that, another significant cause we see highlighted a lot is a lack of empathy or respect.
Speaker C:When we don't truly take the time to step into our partner's shoes to genuinely consider their perspective, well, it becomes incredibly easy to misinterpret their behaviors or words.
Speaker B:Yeah, I can see that.
Speaker C:We might perceive something as, like, direct judgment or criticism, even when that wasn't their intention at all.
Speaker C:It's that tendency to.
Speaker C:To jump to conclusions.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:To think their actions mean something negative about their character.
Speaker C:Psychologists call it attribution error.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Instead of trying to understand the context or their underlying feelings, that can quickly escalate a minor thing into a Full blown debate.
Speaker B:Oh, I can absolutely see how quickly that leads to defensiveness and that cycle of blame.
Speaker B:It's exhausting.
Speaker C:Totally.
Speaker B:And what about those situations where it feels like the same fight just keeps popping up?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like a recurring nightmare.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:That brings us to the third major reason.
Speaker C:Unresolved issues or unaddressed problems.
Speaker C:This is a big one.
Speaker C:If you and your partner consistently kind of shy away from discussing past resentments or hurt feelings or ongoing disagreements, those issues don't just magically disappear, they fester.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:They simmer beneath the surface, building pressure, only to resurface unexpectedly, often triggered by something seemingly unrelated, something minor.
Speaker C:It's like sweeping dust under the rug.
Speaker C:You know, eventually that mound gets so big you trip right over it.
Speaker C:Usually at the least convenient moment.
Speaker B:That sweeping dirt analogy really hits home.
Speaker B:I think we've all felt that hidden bump underfoot, haven't we?
Speaker C:Probably.
Speaker B:That quiet buildup of resentment can be way more damaging than a loud disagreement sometimes.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Okay, let's circle back to answer the central question for our listeners.
Speaker B:Are arguments normal in a relationship?
Speaker B:What does all this insight tell us?
Speaker C:The short answer unequivocally is yes.
Speaker C:Arguments are an almost inevitable and actually quite natural part of any healthy relationship.
Speaker B:Really?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Because at their core, relationships involve two distinct individuals.
Speaker C:Unique histories, different perspectives, varying feelings, their own ways of seeing the world.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Two different people.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:To expect perfect alignment and harmony all the time, that would be entirely unrealistic.
Speaker C:The research we've looked at consistently affirms this conflict itself isn't the problem.
Speaker C:It's often how that conflict is managed that truly defines the health of a relationship.
Speaker B:So it's not whether you argue, but maybe how you argue.
Speaker B:That's the key.
Speaker C:That's a huge part of it.
Speaker B:Because I imagine while they're normal, arguments don't have to lead to constant tension or conflict.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They don't have to be destructive.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:That's the crucial distinction.
Speaker C:And it's where the opportunities truly lie.
Speaker C:While normal arguments absolutely do not have to lead to ongoing tension or damage.
Speaker C:In fact, with the right approach and a few key techniques, arguments can actually be powerful tools.
Speaker B:Tools?
Speaker C:Yeah, tools.
Speaker C:They can be used to deepen understanding, foster immense personal growth, and actually strengthen the bond between partners.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker C:Rather than causing damage or division, it's about transforming a potential breakdown into a breakthrough.
Speaker B:Okay, this is where it gets really interesting.
Speaker B:And I know this is something many of us struggle with.
Speaker B:It's so easy to get defensive when a concern is raised, isn't it?
Speaker B:Our first instinct, almost primal can be to protect ourselves or even counterattack.
Speaker C:It really can.
Speaker B:But what if we could radically shift that mindset?
Speaker B:Our first essential tip is all about this.
Speaker B:Viewing arguments as opportunities for growth.
Speaker C:This truly is a powerful reframe, and it's a theme that runs through so much of the literature on healthy relationship dynamics.
Speaker C:And every single argument, no matter how minor or frustrating it feels in the moment, presents a unique opportunity.
Speaker B:An opportunity?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:It's a chance to learn something new about your partner, about their needs, their emotional triggers, their perspectives, and ultimately, about the subtle dynamics of your relationship itself.
Speaker C:When you view arguments through this lens as a chance to discover and grow, it profoundly shifts your entire approach.
Speaker C:You move from that defensive crouch to one of genuine curiosity, a willingness to learn.
Speaker B:So instead of bracing for impact, you're sort of opening yourself up to discovery.
Speaker B:That's a massive paradigm shift.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:For example, the next time your partner raises a concern, instead of immediately feeling that urge to explain yourself or counter their point, try this.
Speaker C:Take a few deep breaths, really ground yourself.
Speaker C:Then make a conscious effort to just listen to what they have to say without judgment.
Speaker B:Just listen.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker C:Focus on truly hearing them, not just waiting for your turn to respond or build your defense.
Speaker C:And what's fascinating is by genuinely listening rather than just arguing back, you often gain far deeper insight into what they're truly thinking and feeling.
Speaker C:You might uncover a vulnerability, an unmet need, maybe a past hurt that explains their current reaction.
Speaker C:This deeper understanding is what allows you to connect on a profoundly different level.
Speaker B:That's a huge shift in focus, isn't it, from winning an argument to truly understanding your partner, which, honestly, often feels like the real victory anyway.
Speaker C:It usually is in the long run.
Speaker B:This leads us perfectly into our second tip.
Speaker B:Communicating openly and respectfully.
Speaker B:Because it's clear, like you said, that how you argue matters much, much more than the mere fact that you're arguing.
Speaker B:And one common pitfall we see is the tendency to blame.
Speaker B:Blame is like throwing cold water on a conversation.
Speaker B:It instantly shuts down communication and triggers defensiveness every time.
Speaker B:So no matter the situation, it's paramount that your communication remains open, honest, and respectful.
Speaker B:A key technique here, especially when you're expressing your feelings, is to consciously use I statements.
Speaker C:Ah, I statements.
Speaker C:We hear about those.
Speaker B:Yeah, and they're powerful.
Speaker B:This simple linguistic shift helps you express yourself clearly and authentically without making your partner feel attacked or accused or blamed.
Speaker B:It keeps the focus on your experience.
Speaker C:Can you give us some really clear, practical examples of that?
Speaker C:Because sometimes, you know, in the heat of the moment, it feels Incredibly hard to rephrase things effectively, of course.
Speaker B:It's really about shifting from accusation to expression.
Speaker B:Own your feeling.
Speaker B:So instead of a loaded statement like you always ignore me, which immediately sounds accusatory.
Speaker C:Points, fingers, instant defense mode, you could say something like, I feel ignored and a little hurt when I'm speaking and you're on your phone.
Speaker C:See the difference?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Much softer.
Speaker C:Or instead of a broad, critical statement like the house is always a mess you never clean up, which just invites an argument, try, I feel overwhelmed and stressed when the house is messy, and I could really use some help.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Do you notice how those I statements immediately shift the focus?
Speaker C:It's directly onto your personal feelings and experiences rather than making a judgment about your partner's actions or character.
Speaker B:Yeah, it takes the accusation out precisely.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker C:This significantly reduces defensiveness because you're not triggering their amygdala, that primal fight or flight response.
Speaker C:It creates a much safer space for them to listen and engage constructively rather than immediately bracing for an attack.
Speaker B:Those examples really highlight the profound difference.
Speaker B:It's about owning your feelings, your experience, rather than dictating someone else's behavior or criticizing them.
Speaker C:That's the core of it.
Speaker B:And then, okay, once you've expressed yourself using I statements, what's the next step?
Speaker B:Because so many arguments just devolve into that endless back and forth.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:With each person just trying to be right, trying to score points.
Speaker C:Yeah, that trap.
Speaker B:So our third tip is all about finding solutions together.
Speaker C:This is truly where the collaborative magic happens.
Speaker C:Moving you from adversaries to teammates.
Speaker C:That's the goal.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Instead of getting stuck in that unproductive cycle of arguing back and forth, the fundamental goal should be to genuinely understand each other's perspectives.
Speaker C:And then, crucially, to work together to reach a resolution that satisfies both of you.
Speaker C:Or at least that you can both live with and feel okay about.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:It's about stepping out of the right versus wrong mindset and into a how can we solve this together approach.
Speaker B:But sometimes one person truly feels like they are unequivocally right and the other is just plain wrong.
Speaker B:How do you overcome that very powerful, almost magnetic pull to prove your point?
Speaker C:That pole is strong, no doubt.
Speaker C:But it's important to remember that this right versus wrong dynamic is almost never the full picture in a relationship.
Speaker C:In nearly any disagreement, both people will have valid perspectives, valid needs, valid feelings about the problem, even if those perspectives seem to directly conflict.
Speaker B:Okay, so both sides usually have some validity.
Speaker C:Usually, yes.
Speaker C:A truly collaborative approach needs a combination of skills Active listening.
Speaker C:Like we talked about, brainstorming potential solutions without judgment, a willingness to negotiate, and, you know, good old fashioned problem solving.
Speaker C:When you commit to finding solutions together, knowing that you both bring valid points to the table, it almost invariably leads to better long term outcomes for the issue itself.
Speaker C:And maybe more importantly, it helps you both grow closer as a couple.
Speaker C:It deepens your connection instead of eroding it.
Speaker C:It reinforces that you're a team facing challenges together, not opponents.
Speaker B:Okay, to briefly recap our deep dive today, we've explored three essential insights for using arguments to deepen understanding and foster growth in your relationships.
Speaker C:That's right.
Speaker C:First, remember that arguments aren't inherently bad.
Speaker C:They are truly opportunities for learning and building a stronger connection.
Speaker B:Okay, opportunity.
Speaker B:Got it.
Speaker C:Second, prioritize communicating openly and respectfully.
Speaker C:Make that powerful shift to using I statements.
Speaker C:It really works.
Speaker B:I statements, respect.
Speaker C:And third, always aim to find solutions together.
Speaker C:Work collaboratively as a team towards a shared outcome.
Speaker C:It's us against the problem, not me against you.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Remember, arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship.
Speaker B:They simply happen when two unique individuals with distinct lives, thoughts, feelings come together.
Speaker B:But they absolutely don't have to be destructive or damaging.
Speaker B:With the right tools and techniques, like viewing them as opportunities, communicating with respect, working collaboratively, you can use these moments of disagreement to build understanding, foster incredible growth, and truly deepen your connection as a couple.
Speaker B:It's about transforming conflict into closeness.
Speaker C:And if you're looking for more free support on your anger management journey, maybe some valuable training or the chance to book a free anger assessment call, we really encourage you to visit angersecrets.com we look forward to helping you take control and transform your relationships.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into how conflict shows up in relationships and how to navigate it with more calmness and respect.
Speaker A:Both helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to quickly go over some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:First, as Jake and Sarah said, arguments are normal.
Speaker A:Even in the best relationships, conflict will happen, and that doesn't mean something's wrong.
Speaker A:What matters most is how you argue, not whether you argue.
Speaker A:This simple shift in mindset can relieve a lot of unnecessary shame or fear.
Speaker A:Second, beneath most arguments is an unmet emotional need.
Speaker A:Arguments are rarely just about the dishes or the tone of voice.
Speaker A:It's about feeling unheard, unappreciated, or disconnected.
Speaker A:When you can recognize what's really going on underneath the surface, you gain the power to respond with empathy instead of reactivity.
Speaker A:Third, how you repair after an argument matters just as much as how the argument happened.
Speaker A:Saying sorry, owning your part, and reconnecting, even awkwardly, are the real building blocks of emotional safety in a relationship.
Speaker A:And finally, arguments can be moments of growth.
Speaker A:Arguments are not just something to survive.
Speaker A:They can become opportunities to understand yourself and your partner more deeply if you're willing to slow down, stay curious, and communicate with intention.
Speaker A:And as always, remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even just one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:If something stood out to you today, take it, try it and see what shifts.
Speaker A:Ok, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favorite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angussecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker D:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
