For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
We’ve all been there—saying something in anger that we didn’t mean, only to be left with regret and a damaged relationship. In this episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs guides you through the often misunderstood art of a true apology.
You’ll learn how to move beyond a quick “I’m sorry” and instead make a real, lasting repair that rebuilds trust and strengthens connection.
Key Takeaways:
Own your actions fully: A real apology starts with clear responsibility—no “buts,” no excuses, no blame-shifting.
Validate their feelings: Empathy is crucial. Showing that you understand the hurt you’ve caused can begin the healing process.
Make meaningful amends: Actions speak louder than words. Small, specific efforts to repair the damage show sincerity and care.
Commit to change: Apologising isn’t just about the past—it’s a promise about the future, ideally with a plan for how things will be different.
Respect their timeline: Forgiveness can take time. Patience, humility and consistency are key to rebuilding trust.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
You've been here before.
Speaker A:An argument erupts, your voice rises, hurtful words spill out, and as the dust settles, you're left in the wreckage of silence.
Speaker A:That knot in your stomach, the instant replay in your mind, or the look in their eyes that tells you you crossed a line.
Speaker A:Regret floods in, and you're left asking, why did I say that?
Speaker A:How can I ever fix this?
Speaker A:It's moments like these that really test your strength of character.
Speaker A:It takes real courage to confront the harm that's been done and attempt to repair what is broken.
Speaker A:But crafting a truly meaningful apology isn't just about saying the words I'm sorry.
Speaker A:It's about understanding the pain you've caused, owning your actions fully, and showing through words and efforts that you're willing to make things right.
Speaker A:In today's episode, you'll learn all about the art of giving a sincere apology, from exactly what to say to how to rebuild trust and strengthen connections.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode, you'll not only know how to apologize well, but how to repair, reconnect, and move forward in a way that strengthens the bonds that matter most.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 44 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Deweys, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger and master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've enlisted the help of my AI assistants Jake and Sarah, to share all about the art of an effective apology.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever found yourself in that moment you know you've said something you immediately regret or maybe lashed out when you really knew better?
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker B:That knot in your stomach, that's that feeling of having, well, maybe damaged a connection you truly value.
Speaker C:It's such a universally human thing, isn't it?
Speaker C:That instant replay, just running in your mind, wishing you could somehow take back the words or the actions.
Speaker C:The regret can be incredibly heavy.
Speaker B:It really can.
Speaker B:And when you're stuck in that spot, knowing you've caused hurt, the big question always becomes, okay, what now?
Speaker B:How do you genuinely start to make things right?
Speaker B:Actually begin repairing that relationship?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:You know, instead of just letting the damage sit there and fester.
Speaker C:That's exactly what we're diving into today.
Speaker C:This whole deep dive is really about the art of an effective apology.
Speaker C:We're trying to move beyond just sort of mechanically saying the words I'm sorry.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:To truly understanding how to convey remorse, rebuild trust, and actually lay the groundwork for maybe even a stronger connection.
Speaker B:Okay, let's unpack this a bit then.
Speaker B:Imagine a common scenario.
Speaker B:You've had a really rough day, right?
Speaker B:And you just snaptick your partner over something totally small, completely trivial.
Speaker C:Happens all the time.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:You know, the moment it happens, you messed up.
Speaker B:So once you realize your error, what's the very first, like, the non negotiable step?
Speaker C:Well, the absolute foundation of any apology that's going to land that's truly effective.
Speaker C:It lies in two crucial things.
Speaker C:First, acknowledging what you did wrong, clearly.
Speaker C:No ambiguity.
Speaker C:And second, expressing genuine remorse.
Speaker C:And this means taking full, like, 100% responsibility.
Speaker C:There's a lot of research that shows pretty consistently that when we start adding those little caveats or justifications, I'm sorry, but I was tired, or that classic I'm sorry if you felt that way.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, the if apology.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:It immediately signals to the other person that we're not really owning our actions.
Speaker C:It just sounds like you're defending yourself, not giving a sincere apology.
Speaker B:That's such a powerful point.
Speaker B:It's almost like our, you know, our brain's instinct for self preservation just kicks in immediately.
Speaker B:And we try to soften the blow for ourselves, but that just pushes the other person further away, doesn't it?
Speaker B:So how do we convey that true sorrow without it sounding, I don't know, rehearsed or worse, flippant?
Speaker B:Especially if it was something that might seem small to us, but clearly wasn't small to them.
Speaker C:Yeah, that's the tricky part.
Speaker C:The key is specificity and genuine feeling.
Speaker C:So instead of a sort of dismissive sorry I yelled, maybe try something more like, I am truly sorry for yelling at you earlier.
Speaker C:That was disrespectful.
Speaker C:And honestly, it's not how I want to treat you.
Speaker C:Okay, See how that shifts the focus?
Speaker C:It moves from just the act itself, the yelling, to the impact and your personal responsibility for it.
Speaker C:It acknowledges the wrongness of the behav, not just the.
Speaker C:The outcome.
Speaker B:That really does make a difference.
Speaker B:It feels more substantial.
Speaker B:But okay, it's one thing to understand your mistake, but it's another thing entirely to really grasp the ripple effect.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:The impact your actions had on the other person.
Speaker B:How do we bridge that gap and really show them we understand their feelings, especially when they might still be really hurting?
Speaker C:This is where empathy and accountability truly come into play.
Speaker C:And honestly, where a lot of apologies tend to falter, you.
Speaker C:You actually need to dedicate some time to truly listen to the other person, to understand their perspective, how your actions affected them.
Speaker C:And then you need to show this understanding by validating their feelings.
Speaker C:Using phrases like, I can absolutely see why my words would have hurt you, or it makes perfect sense that you'd feel angry after what I said.
Speaker C:Those can be incredibly powerful.
Speaker B:Yeah, I can almost feel the tension dropping just hearing those phrases used hypothetically.
Speaker B:It's like you're clearly saying, your feelings are valid and I recognize my part in causing them.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:And here's where we hit that major pitfall.
Speaker C:The dreaded word but.
Speaker B:Ah, yes, the but.
Speaker C:I'm sorry, but you made me angry, or I'm sorry, but you started it.
Speaker C:That single word but it basically acts like an eraser.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:It completely negates everything that came before it.
Speaker C:It subtly shifts blame or offers an excuse, and it just instantly undermines any shred of sincerity.
Speaker C:The apology suddenly becomes about your justification, not they're hurt.
Speaker B:So the rule is, stick to expressing regret and understanding the impact directly.
Speaker B:No buts.
Speaker B:Just stop before the but.
Speaker C:That's such a simple, yet really profound rule.
Speaker C:Okay, so let's say we've done that.
Speaker C:We've acknowledged our mistake, expressed genuine remorse, truly listened to understand their feelings, validated them.
Speaker C:What's the next step?
Speaker C:To actually repair the damage, to move beyond just the words and into, well, action.
Speaker B:Right now we get to the power of making amends.
Speaker B:And this isn't always about, you know, grand, dramatic gestures.
Speaker B:It's often about proposing concrete actions that demonstrate you are actively taking responsibility and genuinely trying to mend the relationship critically.
Speaker C:The amends should be proportional and appropriate to the mistake you made.
Speaker C:So, for example, if your apology was for using harsh words, your amends might be acting with, say, exceptional kindness and patience afterward, showing a conscious effort to reverse that negative interaction.
Speaker B:So it's not just I'm sorry, but it's implicitly or explicitly followed by how can I fix this?
Speaker B:Or what can I do to make this better.
Speaker B:It makes the apology feel much more like a commitment.
Speaker B:Maybe not just a confession.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Right, A commitment.
Speaker C:If something tangible was broken, say you broke a mug in anger Offering to replace it makes obvious sense.
Speaker C:If it was trust that was broken, which is often the case, usually a perhaps the amends is a commitment to clear communication in the future, or maybe to actively addressing an underlying issue, like managing that tendency towards anger.
Speaker C:If that's the root cause, it shows you're not just, you know, throwing words out there.
Speaker C:You're actually willing to invest energy and effort in the repair process.
Speaker B:That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker B:And apology is definitely about rectifying the past.
Speaker B:But like you said, it's also a really significant promise about the future, isn't it?
Speaker B:How do we effectively assure someone we won't repeat the same mistake?
Speaker B:And what happens if even after doing all this, going through all these steps, they don't immediately forgive us?
Speaker B:That can be a really tough pill to swallow sometimes.
Speaker C:You've absolutely hit on a critical point there.
Speaker C:Committing to not repeating the mistake is, is vital.
Speaker C:It shows genuine seriousness about making things right and about actively preventing a similar situation down the road.
Speaker C:And crucially, if you recognize that an underlying issue, like maybe uncontrolled anger, contributed to the mistake in the first place, then taking concrete steps to address that becomes essential.
Speaker C:It's not just saying I promise, it's having a plan for real change.
Speaker B:That's a really important distinction.
Speaker B:A promise that's actually backed by a plan.
Speaker B:Okay, but what about the other person's response?
Speaker B:We've done our part, laid it all out, but maybe they're still processing, still hurt.
Speaker C:This is exactly where acceptance and patience become so important.
Speaker C:It's crucial, really crucial, to understand that they might not forgive you or even fully accept your apology right away.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:And that is perfectly, entirely okay.
Speaker C:Forgiveness is often a journey and it's usually more for them than for you in that specific moment.
Speaker C:Your core goal with the apology is making sure they know you've expressed sincere remorse and that you are taking genuine steps towards change.
Speaker C:After that, patience is key.
Speaker B:So don't push it.
Speaker C:Definitely don't push it.
Speaker C:You have to respect their feelings and respect their timeline.
Speaker C:Allow acceptance or forgiveness to come in their own time, if it comes.
Speaker C:Pushing for immediate forgiveness almost always backfires and can undo all the good work you just did.
Speaker B:Okay, that's really helpful framing.
Speaker B:So let's just quickly recap this deep dive then on crafting truly effective apologies, it all kicks off with courageously acknowledging your specific wrong and expressing genuine remorse without those self protective justification ramifications or excuses.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Then it's about truly making an effort to understand the impact of your actions on the other person.
Speaker C:Actively validating their feelings, and absolutely positively avoiding those undermining buts that just erase your sincerity.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Killed the butt.
Speaker B:And finally, it's about offering to make tangible amends that actually fit the mistake.
Speaker B:Making a clear commitment to not repeating it, ideally with a plan for that change, while patiently respectfully accepting the other person's response.
Speaker B:Giving them whatever space they need to process it all.
Speaker C:You know, we all stumble, we all make mistakes.
Speaker C:It's just part of being human.
Speaker C:But finding the courage to deliver a truly effective apology isn't just about saying I'm sorry.
Speaker C:It's really about healing relationships, building deeper trust over time, and ultimately understanding yourself a little better too.
Speaker B:That's a great way to put it.
Speaker B:Now, if you listening found these insights helpful and maybe you're looking to gain more control over your emotions, particularly anger, to build calmer, happier relationships.
Speaker B:Alistair Du's has some really powerful resources available for you.
Speaker C:That's right, you can visit angersecrets.com to explore his comprehensive online program.
Speaker C:It's called the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker C:It's really designed to help you gain control faster and more effectively.
Speaker C:And while you're there, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker C:Call directly with Alistair to discuss your own specific situation.
Speaker B:Excellent.
Speaker B:So remember, you can't always control a situation, or other people for that matter, but you can always control your own response.
Speaker B:We'll see you in the next deep dive.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into the art of an effective apology both helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to revisit some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared during their deep dive.
Speaker A:First, as Jake and Sarah said, the foundation of any powerful apology lies in taking full responsibility.
Speaker A:This means clearly acknowledging your mistake without minimizing it or making excuses.
Speaker A:Phrases like I'm sorry if or I'm sorry but can erode trust instead of rebuilding it.
Speaker A:When you own your actions completely, it shows the other person that you're serious about making things right.
Speaker A:Second, a genuine apology isn't just about words.
Speaker A:It's about understanding the impact of your actions.
Speaker A:Jake and Sarah talked about the importance of listening to how your behaviour affected the other person.
Speaker A:Validating their feelings, even when it's tough to hear, is crucial to repairing the connection.
Speaker A:Phrases like I can understand why that hurt.
Speaker A:You go a long way in showing empathy.
Speaker A:Third, meaningful apologies come with action.
Speaker A:It's not enough to just promise to do better.
Speaker A:It's about following through by actively showing change.
Speaker A:Whether that's addressing a pattern of behaviour like managing anger or making concrete amends, your actions are what truly demonstrate sincerity and commitment.
Speaker A:Finally, patience is key.
Speaker A:Forgiveness doesn't always come immediately, and that's okay.
Speaker A:What matters is showing up with humility and keeping the focus on doing your part.
Speaker A:Pushing for instant forgiveness can actually work against the healing process, so respecting their timeline is essential.
Speaker A:Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to Control youl Anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.com course to enroll in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
