For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever gone from calm to furious in seconds — and wondered how it escalated so fast? In this eye-opening episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs reveals the one essential key to preventing outbursts before they begin: awareness.
With help from AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, Alastair explains how to recognise your personal early warning signs of anger, create space between trigger and reaction, and stop anger from taking control of your life and relationships.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger doesn’t come out of nowhere: Even explosive reactions start with subtle cues in your body, mind, and behavior — if you know how to notice them.
-Awareness gives you power: The moment you catch anger rising, you create a pause — and in that pause, you can choose a better response.
-Your early warning signs are unique: Learning what signals anger for you personally is the first step to stopping it in its tracks.
-Real stories, real change: Dan, Kyle and Ross share how simple awareness transformed their relationships and helped them break destructive patterns.
-Awareness is the foundation for every anger management tool: Without it, you’re stuck on autopilot. With it, you can take control and build calmer, more connected relationships.
-Change is possible for everyone: No matter your past, anger doesn’t have to define your future — and the journey starts with noticing.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever had a moment where something small, such as a casual comment, a look, or a tone of voice suddenly made you furious?
Speaker A:Or one minute you're in a tiny disagreement, the next it's a full blown argument.
Speaker A:Words fly, tempers flare, and when the dust settles, you're left thinking, how on earth did it get there so fast?
Speaker A:If you can relate to this, we've all been there.
Speaker A:Most of us know that awful sense of regret wishing you could rewind and handle a situation differently.
Speaker A:And it's not usually just about the argument itself.
Speaker A:It's about the distance arguments create in your relationships, the stress it leaves in your body, the way it makes you feel like you've lost control of yourself.
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:Those heated blow ups don't happen out of nowhere.
Speaker A:There's always something happening beneath the surface, often before you are even aware of it.
Speaker A:Once you understand what that is, everything changes.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I am going to pull back the curtain on this hidden dynamic and show you how to stop those explosions of anger before they start.
Speaker A:Welcome to episode 50 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've enlisted the help of my AI assistants Jake and Sarah, to share all about how to stop angry outbursts before they start.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to to the end of the episode where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever been there?
Speaker B:You know, in a discussion, maybe just a small disagreement, and suddenly it just blows up, like with your partner or one of your kids, maybe even at work.
Speaker B:And later you're just thinking, how on earth did it get there so fast?
Speaker B:Or maybe you feel that familiar tension starting, that frustration building inside, and you're just wishing you knew how to stop it before it.
Speaker B:Well, before it takes over.
Speaker B:It's something so many of us grapple with, isn't it?
Speaker B:This whole challenge of managing anger.
Speaker B:We know it's important, but how to actually do it often feels tricky.
Speaker B:So today we're gonna take a real deep dive into what many experts believe is the single most powerful key to getting a handle on anger.
Speaker B:It sounds simple, maybe too simple at first glance, but honestly, it changes everything.
Speaker C:It really does.
Speaker C:And it's crucial because, look, anger is normal.
Speaker C:It's a basic human emotion.
Speaker C:We all feel it.
Speaker C:But when it starts becoming destructive, when it's uncontrolled, that's when it causes real harm.
Speaker C:Significant harm, actually.
Speaker C:Not just to ourselves, but definitely to the people around us.
Speaker B:Yeah, you see that all the time.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:We see it in relationships, maybe lost job opportunities, and it definitely takes a toll on our mental health, even physical health.
Speaker C:So our mission here today is really to explore this key element, this foundational tool to help you gain control for a happier, calmer life.
Speaker C:It's about understanding how this one thing changes your power to respond.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's get into it.
Speaker B:This key idea we're talking about is awareness.
Speaker B:Now I get it.
Speaker B:That might sound a bit basic awareness.
Speaker B:Yeah, I know when I'm angry.
Speaker B:But we're talking about something a bit more subtle, more proactive than just realizing you're already furious.
Speaker B:Think about it like this.
Speaker B:If you're getting irritated, maybe annoyed with your partner, right?
Speaker B:If you're completely oblivious to those feelings, what can you actually do about how you react?
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:Nothing.
Speaker C:You have zero power in that moment.
Speaker C:If you're unaware, you're just reacting on autopilot.
Speaker B:Swept away.
Speaker C:Exactly, yeah.
Speaker C:Connect this to the bigger picture.
Speaker C:The core principle here, and it's worth repeating because it's so foundational, is that without awareness of your feeling state, you have no agency, no control over your actions.
Speaker C:But the instant you become aware, the second you notice that little flicker of frustration, that tightness, that heat starting to rise, suddenly there's a space.
Speaker B:Ah, okay, a space.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:And in that tiny pause, that's where your power comes back.
Speaker C:A whole world of options suddenly appears.
Speaker C:You can choose how to respond differently instead of just letting the emotion run the show.
Speaker C:It's not just knowing you're angry.
Speaker C:It's about catching it early, really catching it in its infancy.
Speaker B:That's a really key difference, isn't it?
Speaker B:Not waiting for the full blown hurricane, but noticing the first, you know, shift in the wind.
Speaker B:So, okay, if awareness is the unlock, how do we actually do it?
Speaker B:How do we get aware?
Speaker B:Especially when things are heating up?
Speaker B:What does that look like?
Speaker B:Practically speaking?
Speaker C:Yeah, good question.
Speaker C:This brings us straight to the idea of your early warning signs of anger.
Speaker B:Early warning Signs.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:These are your personal, often quite subtle cues, signals your body and mind send that tell you, hey, anger is starting to build here.
Speaker C:Think of them like your internal alarm system.
Speaker C:They're designed to give you that crucial heads up before things get out of hand.
Speaker B:So what sort of things are we talking about?
Speaker C:Well, they can show up in different ways for different people.
Speaker C:Physically, you might notice muscle tension.
Speaker C:Maybe your jaw clenches or your fists tighten up without you realizing.
Speaker C:Your heart might start racing or your breathing gets shallow and quick.
Speaker C:Behaviorally, it could be things like having the urge to shout, or maybe wanting to slam a door, or even just withdrawing completely.
Speaker C:Emotionally, maybe just feeling more irritable than usual.
Speaker C:And mentally, it could be a rush of negative thoughts, like replaying an argument in your head where your focus just narrows right down.
Speaker C:The real power here isn't some generic checklist, though.
Speaker C:It's about figuring out your unique pattern, your specific signals.
Speaker C:So this really raises an important question for you, listening.
Speaker C:What are your personal early warning signs?
Speaker C:Because once you know them, once you can spot them reliably, that's when you gain the ability to manage the anger before it escalates, before you do or say something you regret.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It's like you're catching it upstream.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It's proactive intervention, not just cleaning up the mess afterwards.
Speaker B:And that's where it gets really interesting, I think, because learning to spot your signs means you're not just being tossed around by your emotions anymore.
Speaker B:You're actually, like, stepping into the control room.
Speaker B:You're actively intervening in that process.
Speaker B:Instead of just being carried away.
Speaker B:You're making a conscious choice to steer things differently.
Speaker B:It's about dealing with that little spark of anger, giving you the chance to put it out or at least manage the flame before it turns into a wildfire.
Speaker B:It gives you back a sense of control, doesn't it?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:Agency.
Speaker C:That's the key word.
Speaker B:Now, talking about this is one thing, but hearing how it actually plays out in people's lives, that's where it really hits home.
Speaker B:We've got some.
Speaker B:Some really powerful examples that show what a difference this awareness can make.
Speaker B:Take Dan, for example.
Speaker B:He's a dad, two kids, busy life, and he used to struggle with just sudden outbursts.
Speaker B:But after he learned to recognize his specific early signs, that feeling rising in his chest, I think it was for him, he said he could actually pause, just take a beat right there in the moment.
Speaker B:He described it as a huge change, Just being aware enough to stop the escalation.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And imagine the impact of that pause in a family dynamic, it creates space.
Speaker C:And it's fascinating how this awareness really ripples through relationships.
Speaker C:There was another person, Kyle, he mentioned something similar.
Speaker C:He said he never really got the importance of awareness until he started making himself pause and actually ask, okay, why am I feeling angry right now?
Speaker C:Before reacting to his family, he told us that simple act, that moment of self reflection fueled by awareness, made a massive difference.
Speaker C:He wasn't just lashing out, he was trying to understand the root cause, which of course leads to much better conversations.
Speaker B:That pause again, it keeps coming back to that space.
Speaker C:Awareness creates, it does, it's vital.
Speaker B:And then there's Ross's story, which goes even deeper.
Speaker B:I think.
Speaker B:Ross, he's 42, grew up in a pretty tough environment, lots of anger, even violence.
Speaker B:And, and unfortunately, those patterns, they sort of stuck with him.
Speaker B:They started affecting his own relationship, especially with his daughter.
Speaker B:It actually took his wife sitting him down and pointing out gently but clearly how he was repeating those old patterns.
Speaker B:And the moment he truly saw it, the moment he realized the impact, he said he felt this immense wave of guilt.
Speaker C:That moment of realization can be powerful.
Speaker C:Sometimes painful, but powerful.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:And that profound awareness, realizing these deep seated patterns he'd been carrying, that was the absolute turning point.
Speaker B:It was the thing that made him say, okay, I need to get help with this.
Speaker B:It shows how awareness can shine a light even on things that have been buried for years.
Speaker B:And that's the first step to actually changing them.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:And if you look at Dan, Kyle, Ross, what's the common thread in all these stories?
Speaker C:It's that becoming truly aware of your anger, whether it's those first physical twinges or, or understanding the historical roots of your reactions, or just seeing its impact on your loved ones right now.
Speaker C:That awareness is always the critical first step.
Speaker C:It's the non negotiable starting point for learning to control anger, for changing your reactions and ultimately, yeah, transforming your life and how you connect with people.
Speaker C:It moves you from just reacting to actually choosing.
Speaker B:So bringing this all together.
Speaker B:What does this mean for you?
Speaker B:Listening right now as you think about your own experiences with anger?
Speaker B:Today, we've really dug into why awareness is just so incredibly vital for managing anger effectively.
Speaker B:We've looked at the problems.
Speaker B:Problem, why uncontrolled anger is damaging.
Speaker B:We've identified awareness as really the fundamental solution.
Speaker B:And crucially, we've talked about identifying your own personal early warning signs, those signals that anger is starting to stir.
Speaker C:And remember, the whole key to controlling your anger really does start with becoming aware.
Speaker C:When it's just beginning to surface.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Before it gets a grip, then of course you need the tools to manage it.
Speaker C:But that awareness comes first and it is a skill.
Speaker C:It's something anyone can learn and strengthen.
Speaker C:Like a muscle.
Speaker C:It doesn't matter how angry you felt in the past or how ingrained you think those patterns are.
Speaker B:It's learnable.
Speaker C:Completely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Your path to more control begins with that conscious noticing.
Speaker B:So if you're feeling ready to take the next step on this path, maybe learn more about pinpointing your own specific early warning signs or figure out some practical ways to de escalate once you are aware there's a really valuable resource we want to point you towards.
Speaker B:We definitely recommend checking out Alistair Du's website.
Speaker B:It's anchored.
Speaker B:You can find free training there that builds on a lot of what we've discussed.
Speaker B:And there's even an option to book a free 30 minute anger assessment call which could be incredibly helpful for getting some personalized insight.
Speaker C:Angersecrets.com yeah, definitely worth looking into.
Speaker C:And and as we wrap up, maybe just leave you with this thought to consider.
Speaker C:You know, you often can't control what other people do or the situations life throws at you that might trigger frustration that's often outside your control.
Speaker C:But you always have the potential to control your own response.
Speaker C:Always.
Speaker C:So maybe ask yourself, what's one small, tiny step you could take?
Speaker C:Maybe even today just increase your awareness of your own emotional state just a little bit more tuned in.
Speaker C:Because that ability to choose your reaction instead of just reacting blindly, well, that's real power, isn't it?
Speaker C:It's freedom.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.
Speaker A:I'm really glad you joined me, and I hope this deep dive into how to stop anger before it starts gave you some fresh insights and maybe even a new way of looking at your own experiences.
Speaker A:Remember, anger is something we all feel.
Speaker A:It's part of being human.
Speaker A:But when it takes control of you, when it runs the show, it can leave behind real hurt for yourself and for the people you care about most.
Speaker A:But the fact that you're here listening and learning tells me something important.
Speaker A:You're not willing to just let that keep happening.
Speaker A:You want change and that's powerful.
Speaker A:Now, before we wrap up, let's quickly revisit some of the key ideas Jake and Sarah explored today.
Speaker A:Firstly, anger doesn't just appear out of nowhere.
Speaker A:Even if it feels sudden, anger always has a build up.
Speaker A:Little signals show up firsttension in your body, a shift in your Breathing, your mind, narrowing in on negative thoughts.
Speaker A:By the time you explode, those signs were already there.
Speaker A:Understanding this matters because once you see the steps, you can start to interrupt them.
Speaker A:Secondly, everyone has unique early warning signs.
Speaker A:Your body and mind have a personal alarm system that tells you when anger is rising.
Speaker A:For some people, it's clenched fists or a racing heart.
Speaker A:For others, it's withdrawing, shutting down, or replaying arguments over and over.
Speaker A:The real power comes when you figure out your signals, because the moment you can spot them, you can step in before anger takes full control.
Speaker A:Thirdly, awareness creates space, and space creates choice.
Speaker A:This is the heart of it.
Speaker A:When you notice what's happening, you open up a tiny pause, and in that pause, you get your power back.
Speaker A:Instead of reacting on autopilot, you can choose a different response.
Speaker A:That might mean taking a breath, stepping away, or calmly naming what you're feeling.
Speaker A:It's in that space that you stop anger from running your life and start steering it yourself.
Speaker A:And finally, real change is possible, no matter your past.
Speaker A:Even if you've struggled with anger for years, even if you've seen it damage relationships or repeat across generations, it does not have to define you.
Speaker A:Awareness is like turning on a light in a dark room.
Speaker A:Once you see what's really happening, you're no longer trapped.
Speaker A:You can learn new ways to respond.
Speaker A:And little by little, those small choices add up to big transformation.
Speaker A:So here's my encouragement.
Speaker A:Real change comes when you put learning into practice.
Speaker A:For today, start small.
Speaker A:Notice one early warning sign.
Speaker A:Catch yourself once this week in that moment of choice.
Speaker A:See what shifts.
Speaker A:Because every time you do, you're training yourself for more calm, more control, and more connection in your relationships.
Speaker A:Okay, that's all for today's episode, how to Stop Anger before it Starts.
Speaker A:I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favorite podcast app.
Speaker A:And if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angercrets.com course to enroll in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll See you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
