For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Many people think they don’t have an anger problem. They’re just “passionate,” “stressed” or “misunderstood.”
In this eye-opening episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs uncovers the four most common myths people believe about anger, revealing how these hidden stories keep you stuck in harmful patterns. If you’ve ever felt like anger is just part of who you are, this episode will give you the truth (and the tools) you need to finally break free.
Key Takeaways:
-Denying your anger doesn’t make it disappear. It forces it underground, where it damages your health and relationships.
-Anger isn’t something that just “happens” to you. It’s created by your thoughts about what’s going on around you.
-Blaming others for your anger gives away your power. Recognising that you create your emotions puts you back in control.
-Even lifelong anger can be changed with two core habits: noticing early warning signs and shifting the thoughts that fuel the fire.
-You don’t need years of therapy to see results. Most people can make a real shift in just 21 days of consistent practice.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever said something, I'm not really angry, I'm just passionate?
Speaker A:Or this is just how my family communicates.
Speaker A:It sounds harmless, even reasonable.
Speaker A:But behind those words, there's a tension you carry in your chest, a sense that something isn't right.
Speaker A:You tell yourself you're fine, but your body's tight, your patience is thin, and the people you care about seem to flinch a little more often than they used to.
Speaker A:The truth is, most of us create stories to protect ourselves.
Speaker A:Stories that make our anger feel smaller, safer, or justified.
Speaker A:But those stories can become walls, and eventually they become cages.
Speaker A:And here's the thing.
Speaker A:If you're listening right now, it already says you're not running from the truth.
Speaker A:You're ready to look at the beliefs you've been repeating for years, maybe even decades, and ask, are these actually helping me or keeping me stuck?
Speaker A:In today's episode, I'll pull back the curtain on the biggest myths people believe about anger, show you why these beliefs feel, feel so convincing and how letting go of them can be the first real step toward controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Welcome to episode 58 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and For the last 30 years, I have helped over 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more respectful relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, together with my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help you control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I've asked Jake and Sarah to do a deep dive into the four biggest myths about anger and to unpack what really becomes possible when you finally let those myths go.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker B:Do you ever find yourself getting angry and maybe not even quite knowing why?
Speaker B:Or, and this is maybe more common, do you fall back on that comfortable story that you just can't help it, you know that you're simply a naturally passionate person.
Speaker C:It's interesting, isn't it, how we try to dress up sometimes destructive behavior with these positive sounding words.
Speaker C:But for so many of us, those statements are actually, well, deeply ingrained misconceptions, like a stack of self limiting beliefs that really stop us from dealing with anger effectively.
Speaker C:We tell ourselves these lies, I think, because facing the truth about our emotional state, that's often much harder.
Speaker B:And confronting that truth is exactly what we want to do here.
Speaker B:Our mission in this deep dive is really to unpack the most common myths, maybe the most destructive lies we tell ourselves about anger, what it is, where it really comes from, and crucially, how to take back control.
Speaker C:Yeah, we want to give you a kind of shortcut to a calmer, happier life just by exposing how weak those limiting beliefs really are.
Speaker B:Okay, so where do we start?
Speaker B:What's the first big lie?
Speaker C:Let's start with maybe the most powerful defense mechanism, which is what we could call the lie of denial.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Myth number one, I'm not that angry.
Speaker B:This is where maybe you've been labeled always angry for ages, so you just reject it outright.
Speaker B:You minimize it, call it intensity or passion, maybe claim it's just, you know, how your family talks.
Speaker B:It's a kind of self deception.
Speaker C:No, it absolutely is self deception.
Speaker C:And the really tragic part is that the anger causes far more damage than the person denying it even realizes.
Speaker C:And we're not just talking about yelling here.
Speaker C:The damage shows up in two main areas.
Speaker C:Your physical health and your relationships.
Speaker B:Okay, let's take the physical side first.
Speaker B:How does denying anger or maybe stuffing it down actually harm your body?
Speaker C:Well, your body doesn't really care about the story you tell yourself, does it?
Speaker C:It registers the stress regardless.
Speaker C:So people who deny being angry often show these chronic physical signs.
Speaker C:We see things like constantly elevated blood pressure, just general tension, feeling on edge all the time, or even recurring physical things like headaches, maybe jaw clenching or stomach aches that seem to flare up whenever stress hits.
Speaker C:When you deny the anger, it's like you keep the lid on the pressure cooker and eventually your body pays the price.
Speaker B:So the body's basically holding all that emotional tension that the mind won't even acknowledge.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:And if the physical damage is sort of subtle like that, the relational damage must be, well, much more obvious.
Speaker C:It often is.
Speaker C:Yeah, A full blown crisis.
Speaker C:Sometimes anger that isn't owned, the kind that's denied or excused away, it destroys relationships, families too, and careers.
Speaker C:Because the angry person is never really accountable, are they?
Speaker C:They always find some external reason.
Speaker C:What's truly heartbreaking, honestly, is how many people only look for help with their anger after a partner has already left or they've lost their job.
Speaker C:By then, the damage is often too deep to easily repair.
Speaker B:Wow, that really puts a sharp point on that first myth.
Speaker B:So if you find yourself maybe minimizing your own anger, the takeaway here is immediate, honest self reflection.
Speaker B:Right now ask yourself, what damage is this chronic tension actually doing to my health, my relationships, my life?
Speaker B:Stopping the denial seems like the absolute first step towards fixing things.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And once we stop denying the impact, once we accept the damage is real, the next hurdle we often face is this sort of lie of resignation.
Speaker C:And that brings us neatly to myth number two.
Speaker B:Myth number two, anger is just a normal emotion.
Speaker B:This is where people maybe stop denying the damage, but they start normalizing it instead.
Speaker B:They feel kind of resigned, like, well, I get angry sometimes.
Speaker B:That's just how I am.
Speaker B:It feels unavoidable.
Speaker B:We all get frustrated, right?
Speaker B:So why wouldn't we feel anger sometimes?
Speaker C:Well, okay, while the feeling of anger might be common, sure, lots of people experience it.
Speaker C:But the key insight here, and this is really transformative, is this.
Speaker C:Whether or not you actually feel angry in any specific situation, that's entirely up to you.
Speaker C:Entirely.
Speaker C:This is the core principle.
Speaker C:Anger is a response to how you think about a situation.
Speaker C:It is not automatically dictated by the situation itself.
Speaker B:Okay, but hang on, doesn't that sound a bit radical?
Speaker B:I mean, if someone cuts me off in traffic, that situation is dangerous.
Speaker B:It's stressful.
Speaker B:It's rude.
Speaker B:How is my anger not just a normal, unavoidable response to that?
Speaker C:Because the danger and the stress, those might be momentary reactions, but the anger, the emotion that lingers, that's sustained and created by the internal story, the narrative you immediately attach to that event.
Speaker C:If you tell yourself, that driver is a complete idiot, they're so inconsiderate, they should be punished.
Speaker C:Well, you generate anger, right?
Speaker C:But if you think, wow, that was careless, I'm just glad I avoided a crash, you might generate relief, maybe some anxiety, but not necessarily that hot.
Speaker C:Blaming anger.
Speaker C:The difference is purely in the thought process.
Speaker B:Okay, so if I catch myself thinking, well, anger's just unavoidable here.
Speaker B:The action step is to interrupt that thought and ask myself, ask, what am.
Speaker C:I thinking right now?
Speaker C:What judgment am I making about the situation that is actively generating this feeling of anger?
Speaker B:That question kind of shines a spotlight right on the source, doesn't it?
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:And once you've identified that core thought, maybe it's a belief about fairness being violated or a really rigid expectation about how other people should behave, then you run the ultimate practical test.
Speaker C:You ask yourself, is it actually helpful for me to be angry in the specifics situation?
Speaker C:If being angry doesn't solve the problem, if it doesn't improve the relationship, if it doesn't actually make you feel better in a constructive way, then it's time to start changing the thought.
Speaker C:And look, while that takes effort, changing your thinking is always possible.
Speaker C:The mechanism is always there for you.
Speaker B:To use that realization that our thoughts control the emotional outcome, that feels incredibly empowering.
Speaker B:But it also directly clashes with probably the most common story we tell ourselves, which must be myth number three, right?
Speaker B:The lie of blame.
Speaker C:Uh, yes.
Speaker C:Other people make you angry.
Speaker C:This is where we completely give away our responsibility.
Speaker C:We say things like, my boss insulted me and that made me furious, or my spouse always leaves their clothes on the floor and that causes my rage.
Speaker C:We completely externalize the control.
Speaker B:But based on what you just said about myth two, that belief just can't be true, can it?
Speaker B:People, events, situations.
Speaker B:Yeah, they can trigger your thoughts.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:They're triggers.
Speaker B:But you're the one actively creating the anger through those thoughts.
Speaker B:They don't somehow force the emotion into you.
Speaker C:Exactly right.
Speaker C:Let's use a really simple relationship scenario to show how different the results can be based only on your internal thought.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:Imagine you come home after a really long, tiring day and your partner immediately starts talking about their issues without even asking how you are.
Speaker B:Okay, scenario A, the angry thought kicks in.
Speaker B:I instantly think, wow, they are completely selfish.
Speaker B:So self absorbed.
Speaker B:They obviously don't care about my day at all.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And result A, those thoughts immediately trigger anger.
Speaker C:They create a response, probably involving criticism.
Speaker C:You might snap.
Speaker C:You criticize your partner's selfishness, you escalate the whole conflict.
Speaker C:You could potentially ruin the evening for both of you.
Speaker B:Yeah, sounds familiar.
Speaker B:Okay, scenario B, the alternative thought.
Speaker B:I managed to pause for just one second and think instead, they must have had an extremely tough day to jump right into this.
Speaker B:Okay, I'll give them some space, hear them out, and maybe talk about my day later.
Speaker C:And result B, these thoughts produce something different.
Speaker C:Maybe compassion, maybe patience, maybe just neutrality, but they do not produce anger.
Speaker C:You de escalate the situation naturally.
Speaker C:You approach your partner with some understanding.
Speaker C:Now, notice the external event, the partner talking about themselves.
Speaker C:It's identical in both scenarios, yet your thoughts created two drastically different emotional outcomes and likely very different evenings.
Speaker B:That lands differently.
Speaker B:When you put it side by side like that, it's powerful.
Speaker B:So if I really accept that I create my own anger, then my partner, or the situation or the traffic, they're just the switch.
Speaker B:But I hold the power.
Speaker B:I control the wiring.
Speaker B:I'm not just a victim of what happens outside me.
Speaker C:You regain the power of decision.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker C:It means you are fully in control of your thoughts and therefore, ultimately you are in control of your anger.
Speaker B:Okay, that sounds fantastic.
Speaker B:I mean, genuinely life changing.
Speaker B:Yeah, but for someone who's felt angry their whole life, doesn't that sound a little maybe Too simple.
Speaker B:Which leads us right into myth number four, doesn't it?
Speaker B:Learning to control anger is difficult.
Speaker B:This is the lie about the process itself.
Speaker C:It's such a common psychological block, isn't it?
Speaker C:People get scared off.
Speaker C:They fear they're just destined to be angry because they imagine the solution must involve years and years of difficult counseling or digging into childhood trauma or mastering some complex emotional language.
Speaker B:Right, the it's too hard excuse.
Speaker B:So can we challenge that fear directly?
Speaker B:How quickly, how easily can someone actually learn to control their anger?
Speaker B:Is it really that hard?
Speaker C:It's much quicker and often easier than most people assume.
Speaker C:Now, don't get me wrong.
Speaker C:It absolutely requires effort, consistent effort.
Speaker C:But you don't necessarily need to spend years dissecting your past to get significant results right now in the present.
Speaker C:Anger control is fundamentally about building new habits right in the moment things happen.
Speaker B:Okay, so what are the immediate essential steps, then, to begin controlling anger and basically prove this myth wrong from day one?
Speaker C:There are two foundational steps, and they're immediate.
Speaker C:The first one is awareness.
Speaker C:And honestly, this can be the hard part initially because it demands real honesty with yourself.
Speaker C:You must start noticing the physical early warning signs right when the anger begins to build.
Speaker C:That's like your internal alarm system.
Speaker B:What kind of signs are we talking about?
Speaker C:We're talking about things like a racing heart, maybe clenching your jaw or your fists without realizing, or that sudden feeling of heat rising in your chest or your face.
Speaker B:So you have to catch it early, intercept the anger before it really gets going, before it hits that point of no return.
Speaker B:That takes real attention, doesn't it?
Speaker B:Paying attention to those subtle body cues.
Speaker C:Exactly right.
Speaker C:Diligent attention.
Speaker C:And the second step is thought change.
Speaker C:As soon as you notice those physical warnings, and we're talking milliseconds here, you immediately identify the underlying angry thought that's fueling it, and you replace it.
Speaker C:You swap it for an alternative, more helpful thought.
Speaker C:Change the thinking, and you essentially starve the anger of its fuel.
Speaker B:Okay, let me try that.
Speaker B:So if I feel my jaw clutching because my colleague is late again with a report I need, I stop, notice the tension, and immediately run that practical test.
Speaker B:Is it helpful for me to be angry right now?
Speaker B:Probably not.
Speaker B:So I replace the thought.
Speaker B:Maybe it's they're lazy and disrespectful with an alternative like, okay, maybe they're swamped.
Speaker B:I should just check in with them calmly later.
Speaker C:That is precisely the process.
Speaker C:Spot the sign, catch the thought, swap the thought.
Speaker C:And here's the really powerful data point we see Consistently, most people who really dedicate themselves to implementing these two steps, awareness and thought change, and practice them daily, they see a significant, genuinely measurable reduction in their anger in just 21 days, sometimes less 21 days or less.
Speaker C:Now, it requires that daily commitment, that practice.
Speaker C:But the payoff is that the initial significant shift can be really rapid.
Speaker B:That accessibility, that speed.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's what makes this feel truly actionable for anyone listening, not some vague promise of change years down the line.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:It proves that the lie of difficulty is just that, it's a lie.
Speaker C:The tools are available.
Speaker C:The results can be fast, provided you put in that daily effort of self awareness and deliberately restructuring your thoughts.
Speaker B:Okay, that was a genuinely insightful, deep dive into the stories we tell ourselves.
Speaker B:Let's do a quick recap of the four powerful myths we've dusted today.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:We started by tackling the lie of denial, the I'm not that angry myth, which forces you to actually acknowledge the real quantifiable damage anger does to your health and your relationships.
Speaker B:Then we expose the lie of normalization.
Speaker B:Anger is just a normal emotion.
Speaker B:We show that your angry response is always optional, driven entirely by how you interpret events, not the events themselves.
Speaker C:Then we took on perhaps the most destructive myth, the lie of blame.
Speaker C:Other people make you angry, reminding you that while others might trigger your thoughts, you are always the creator of your own anger.
Speaker B:And finally, just now, we challenged the lie of process or difficulty.
Speaker B:Learning to control anger is hard.
Speaker B:We confirmed that simply implementing awareness and immediate thought change can bring significant results surprisingly quickly, often in under three weeks.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So now that you have these truths, the next step is getting the actionable tools we've been touching on to take this whole process from just understanding it to actually mastering it.
Speaker C:If you're ready to go deeper, if you want to master the techniques that lead to calmer, happier, much more respectful relationships, we do have a resource for you.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:To get started with applying these techniques right away, we really encourage you to visit angersecrets.com you can get access there to free training on exactly how to apply these powerful tips and tools.
Speaker B:We've discussed today the same techniques that have helped, helped so many people see really rapid results.
Speaker B:That website again is angersecrets.com angersecrets.com and.
Speaker C:As you go forward from here, maybe applying these principles this week, just remember that powerful central lesson that really connects every single myth we debunk today.
Speaker C:You really can't control other people, but you absolutely can control yourself.
Speaker C:And that control always begins with your Thoughts.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into the anger myths that are secretly running your life both helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to go over a few of the key ideas Jake and Sarah explored today.
Speaker A:First, denial keeps anger alive far longer than honesty ever will.
Speaker A:A lot of people tell themselves I'm not that angry or I'm just expressive.
Speaker A:But pretending your anger isn't there doesn't make it go away.
Speaker A:It just forces it underground where it builds pressure and eventually spills out in ways you regret.
Speaker A:Acknowledging your anger isn't weakness, it's the first step toward controlling it.
Speaker A:Second, anger isn't normal.
Speaker A:It's created by your thoughts.
Speaker A:One of the biggest shifts Jake and Sarah highlighted is that anger doesn't come from the situation.
Speaker A:It comes from the meaning you attach to it.
Speaker A:Someone cuts you off in traffic, your partner forgets something, a colleague is late.
Speaker A:These things can trigger anger, but they don't cause it.
Speaker A:Your thoughts do.
Speaker A:And once you understand that you're no longer a victim of what happens around you, you're in charge of how you respond.
Speaker A:Third, no one makes you angry.
Speaker A:You create the emotion.
Speaker A:This is a hard myth to let go of because blaming someone else feels easier than looking inward.
Speaker A:But the truth is, powerful people trigger your thoughts, not your emotions.
Speaker A:When you change the story you tell yourself in those heated moments, everything shifts.
Speaker A:The conflict de escalates, the relationship softens, and you stay in control.
Speaker A:And finally, controlling your anger isn't nearly as hard as you've been taught to believe.
Speaker A:You don't need years of therapy to make real progress.
Speaker A:You need awareness of your early warning signs and the willingness to change the unhelpful thoughts that fuel your anger.
Speaker A:And when you practice those two skills consistently, even for a couple of minutes a day, the results can come surprisingly quickly, sometimes in just a few weeks.
Speaker A:Now remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it, see what shifts.
Speaker A:And if you'd like help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angasecrets.com on this site you can access my free training Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment call to talk personally with me about about your situation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete anger management system, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.
Speaker A:It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lies.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
