For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
What happens when the people you love start to fear your anger? In this deeply personal episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares Paul’s story – a father and partner whose uncontrolled anger nearly cost him everything.
Through honest reflection and powerful insights, Paul reveals how one simple tool helped him break the cycle of anger, communicate with compassion and rebuild trust with the people who matter most.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger is rarely random-it’s often a buildup of stress, hurt and old emotional habits that go unexamined.
-Recognising physical warning signs like a pounding heart or tight chest can help you pause before you react.
-Awareness is the foundation for change-it allows you to step back and make conscious choices rather than defaulting to old patterns.
-Expressing sadness or hurt with calm words like “that comment hurt” can create connection instead of conflict.
Real change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process that starts with one decision and builds through daily effort.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever looked at someone you love, such as your partner or your kids, and suddenly realized you're becoming the one person they tiptoe around?
Speaker A:Or felt that split second moment when your chest tightens, your heart starts racing, and you know you're about to snap, but you can't seem to stop it?
Speaker A:Or have you ever wondered why?
Speaker A:What happens when those moments pile up day after day until the person you care about most finally says, I can't keep living like this?
Speaker A:For Paul, that moment wasn't a warning.
Speaker A:It was an ultimatum.
Speaker A:He was juggling a house sale, a house purchase, two teenagers, two step kids, money pressures, and a lifetime of emotional habits he never questioned until suddenly the woman he wanted a future with was scared of him.
Speaker A:And in that moment, he had to decide whether he was going to lose the relationship he loved or finally take control of the anger that was controlling him.
Speaker A:Welcome to episode 60 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and For the last 30 years, I have helped over 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more respectful relationships.
Speaker A:Today, I want to share Paul's story, not because it's dramatic, but because it's real.
Speaker A:His journey shows what can happen when someone finally understands why their anger takes over and learns how to interrupt it before it damages the relationships that matter most.
Speaker A:And what I love about Paul's progress is it didn't take months.
Speaker A:It didn't require complex therapy.
Speaker A:It started with one simple shift, one tool that helped him slow down, build awareness, and respond differently, even in moments that used to derail him completely.
Speaker A:If you've ever felt stuck in the same patterns Paul describes, or if you've ever promised yourself you'd change and then slipped back days later, or if you're worried your anger might be affecting the people you love, this episode will show you what's possible.
Speaker A:Without any further ado, let's dive into my conversation with Paul.
Speaker B:Just tell me a bit about yourself.
Speaker C:I'm a single father, but I'm in a serious relationship right now.
Speaker C:I have two teenage boys and hopefully soon to be, two teenage stepdaughters.
Speaker C:I'm 54 years old.
Speaker C:I have one sibling, a brother.
Speaker C:And, yeah, that's about it, really.
Speaker B:Phil.
Speaker B:And what brought you to the anger course?
Speaker C:An actual awakening from my current girlfriend.
Speaker C:My anger was getting out of hand.
Speaker C:The stress level was through the roof.
Speaker C:I was trying to sell a house.
Speaker C:I was trying to buy a house.
Speaker C:I was trying to keep two houses afloat because I'm actually living with her.
Speaker C:And yeah, my stress got the better of me and I was constantly snapping, given somewhat of an ultimatum.
Speaker C:It was like she said she didn't know if she could go through with this with me because it was just like walking on eggshells at times.
Speaker B:Did you have any idea she felt like that or was that kind of news to you?
Speaker C:Did have.
Speaker C:We did have a few arguments over the last six months.
Speaker C:And I kept on saying to myself, I can't behave this way.
Speaker C:I can't behave this way.
Speaker C:And then three days into it, I would do it again.
Speaker C:And I knew something was wrong, but it just.
Speaker C:It was like it was contagious.
Speaker B:The anger was contagious?
Speaker C:I believe so.
Speaker C:The anger was contagious.
Speaker C:Like, it just.
Speaker C:It drove me to go there.
Speaker C:There was always a justification.
Speaker B:And what were those justifications?
Speaker B:What were you thinking?
Speaker C:Being disrespected, not being heard, being misunderstood, being taken advantage of.
Speaker C:This is what was going on in my head.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So like you said, always just justifying how you responded.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:What effect do you think the anger was having on your girlfriend or your children or her children?
Speaker C:Not good at all.
Speaker C:Not good at all.
Speaker C:They didn't know if I was going to stop at any given time.
Speaker C:They started to become scared of me.
Speaker C:I didn't like when I heard that, it made me feel bad.
Speaker B:Okay, so your girlfriend gave you this ultimatum.
Speaker B:What was it like looking for an anger management course?
Speaker C:I had taken one before.
Speaker C:She's not aware of that.
Speaker C:It was in a group session and it really didn't do anything for me.
Speaker C:And I started to go online and I was going to go see a therapist and.
Speaker C:And I actually decided to go on podcasts and I saw yours pop up and I'm like, okay, let's try this.
Speaker C:And I started to hear you have these little 5 minute to sometimes 8 minute little blurps, and it hit home.
Speaker C:A lot of this stuff made sense and I was like, you know what?
Speaker C:This, this actually might be for me?
Speaker C:This actually might work because I wanted it.
Speaker C:I didn't want to lose this woman.
Speaker C:And I just didn't want to continue to be the way I was being.
Speaker A:Do you know what made an impact.
Speaker B:From the podcast episodes?
Speaker B:What kind of hit you the most?
Speaker C:Relating.
Speaker C:Relating to people.
Speaker C:Understanding these other people that were being interviewed.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And just things that you would say.
Speaker C:And I was like, oh, my God.
Speaker C:Yeah, I get it, I get it.
Speaker C:I could relate.
Speaker C:It wasn't like going to a therapist and hearing them say something and going, what?
Speaker C:I don't understand that.
Speaker C:Like, I could totally relate to everything.
Speaker C:And I didn't compare because some of the podcasts where there was physical abuse, and I never once said, if I get that bad, I just.
Speaker C:I could relate.
Speaker C:I could understand, even though I've never hit anybody out of anger.
Speaker B:But you could relate to how they were responding?
Speaker C:Yes, I could relate totally.
Speaker C:I could understand where they were coming from.
Speaker C:I could understand what you were trying to tell them.
Speaker C:So I'm like, okay, what have I got to lose?
Speaker B:And how has starting this course been for you?
Speaker C:It was easy.
Speaker C:They're small modules.
Speaker C:I can go back to them anytime I want.
Speaker C:I've made notes myself lately.
Speaker C:There's constantly something going on in my head about something that I've heard or read or written down myself, Right?
Speaker C:And the biggest thing for me is awareness.
Speaker B:So I say some bit more about the awareness, like, how has that impacted you?
Speaker C:So I become aware when I feel something going on inside my body.
Speaker C:My heart starts to pound.
Speaker C:There's a bit of a palpitation.
Speaker C:I'm like, okay, here we go.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:There's no reason to get this way.
Speaker C:I call it talking myself off the ledge.
Speaker C:And I remind myself that, you know what?
Speaker C:It's easier just to calm down.
Speaker C:Think about this for a second, because if you lose your mind right now, you are going to have to do damage control for possibly days over something that might take 15 seconds to say.
Speaker C:So I'm still trying to pick and choose my words wisely.
Speaker C:And I have a tendency, the way I was brought up, where you just blurted out what came out of your mouth.
Speaker C:So I'm trying to reprogram myself.
Speaker B:So there's some cycles of abuse or violence you're trying to change.
Speaker C:I believe I was brought up in a very angry household.
Speaker C:I do truly believe that.
Speaker C:And that was the norm.
Speaker C:There was no physical abuse, but there was mental abuse with some of the words and phrases that were said.
Speaker C:And I just don't think my parents knew any better because that's the way they were brought up.
Speaker C:And I remember an individual that I was very close with, I haven't seen in a very long time.
Speaker C:We spoke about my parents and my upbringing.
Speaker C:And he said, your parents did the best they could do with the tools that were laid in front of them.
Speaker C:So now I think to myself, I need more tools.
Speaker C:I just don't need the tools that my parents have given me, because some of the tools that they have given me have been great, but I need other tools.
Speaker C:And that's where this program comes in.
Speaker B:It makes a lot of sense.
Speaker B:And how do you think the change process is going for you so far?
Speaker C:It's gradual.
Speaker C:I'm going to take the odd step back.
Speaker C:I don't want to be the type of person to say everything's lollipops and rainbows, but it is gradual.
Speaker C:And that's the best way for it to happen, actually.
Speaker B:And why is that?
Speaker C:Why is gradual the best way?
Speaker C:Because that's the normal way, if that makes sense.
Speaker C:Because I've always been about wanting instant gratification, and I realize I'm now at 54, that the world does not work that way.
Speaker C:Any progress is going to be gradual.
Speaker A:Yeah, I like it.
Speaker B:And you sent me an email just after starting the course about the impact on others of your anger.
Speaker B:Do you remember that?
Speaker C:Oh, I remember that.
Speaker C:I remember that because.
Speaker C:And the reason that started to hit home is, again, these podcasts and hearing these men and women go on and how it affected their significant others, siblings, family, and I was like, wow, I didn't realize the mental abuse that much.
Speaker C:I knew it was abusive, but I didn't realize how abusive it was.
Speaker C:And that kind of makes me realize that, yeah, this has got to change.
Speaker B:And have people noticed a change in you so far?
Speaker C:My girlfriend has.
Speaker C:She says she's happy that her best friend is back.
Speaker C:Some people at work have.
Speaker B:What do you think your girlfriend's noticed?
Speaker C:Calmer, pausing before I open my mouth, telling her constructively when I am angry or that something has upset me.
Speaker C:I know a couple weeks back, she said something about money or something, and I went.
Speaker C:I waited a bit and I said, that kind of hurt.
Speaker C:Whereas before I would have just snapped.
Speaker C:All I said was that what you said made me sad.
Speaker C:And she apologized.
Speaker B:So the effect of saying something like that hurt was much better than losing my mind.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker C:And saying, how dare you say something like that to me?
Speaker C:All I said was, you know that comment that you said that that kind of hurt.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker B:And was it easy or hard for you to say that it was easy?
Speaker C:That's topsy turvy.
Speaker C:I think I'm basically just a little.
Speaker C:I'm a marshmallow.
Speaker C:Because a lot of times when I used to get angry, a lot of it was because I was sad or hurt.
Speaker B:Do you feel you're getting better at expressing those feelings now?
Speaker C:Somewhat, yes.
Speaker C:I have my stumblings.
Speaker C:It's not going to happen overnight.
Speaker C:It's a gradual process.
Speaker B:If someone was listening to this episode and relating to some of the things you're saying and also Thinking of maybe doing my course.
Speaker B:What would you say to that person?
Speaker C:I'd say, give it a chance.
Speaker C:Give it a chance.
Speaker C:Because it's made me understand quite a bit more about me.
Speaker C:You've been very helpful.
Speaker C:The modules are small.
Speaker C:I can go through them a bunch of times if I want.
Speaker C:It's not like you're being bombarded with the stuff like other people have said.
Speaker C:It's at my own pace.
Speaker C:And it's understandable.
Speaker C:It's very understandable.
Speaker C:The tools are there, and if I have to go back and read something that I wrote or go back and do the modules again, your program works.
Speaker C:So I would highly recommend it.
Speaker C:The simplicity of the program has made me aware more.
Speaker C:There's no words in the literature that I have to go grab a dictionary.
Speaker C:It's simple, which is good because I think a lot of people, including me, if I see something that I don't understand when I'm reading it, I'm out of here.
Speaker C:I'm not dealing with this.
Speaker C:Realizing that there's quite a few people in this world that suffer from the same thing, or maybe suffering isn't the proper terminology, but there's a lot of people out there with anger issues makes me feel that I'm not alienated.
Speaker C:I'm actually normal.
Speaker C:I'm just happy that there is a program because I'm looking on the Internet, okay, what am I gonna do here?
Speaker C:And then I see you, and I go to this anger sequence, and I'm like, okay, this is making sense.
Speaker C:This is making sense.
Speaker C:And just the aspect of you actually interviewing me in the beginning, before I even signed up, I'm like, who is this guy who takes the time to actually speak to somebody like that says a lot about you, that you want to help people.
Speaker C:So I'm like, if there's an individual out there like that, then.
Speaker C:Then let.
Speaker C:Let me try this.
Speaker C:What have I got to lose?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found Paul's story both helpful and thought provoking.
Speaker A:For me, Paul's story is a powerful reminder that change is possible for anyone willing to take the first step.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to quickly go over some of the most important ideas Paul shared today.
Speaker A:Firstly, anger doesn't just happen.
Speaker A:Paul talked about that moment when his heart pounded, his chest tightened, and he could feel himself getting swept away.
Speaker A:That's a pattern many people know well.
Speaker A:What matters is recognizing that physical shift as an early warning sign when you can notice those signals early.
Speaker A:You give yourself time to pause, breathe, and interrupt the cycle before the damage is done.
Speaker A:Secondly, awareness is the foundation of every change you'll ever make.
Speaker A:For Paul, the biggest breakthrough wasn't a technique.
Speaker A:It was finally understanding what was happening inside him and why.
Speaker A:Once he could see it clearly, everything else became easier.
Speaker A:Awareness is the difference between being controlled by anger and being in control of yourself.
Speaker A:Thirdly, the way you express your feelings matters more than the feeling itself.
Speaker A:Paul realised that a lot of his anger was really sadness or hurt underneath.
Speaker A:And when he learned to say something simple like that comment hurt instead of exploding, the whole dynamic changed.
Speaker A:His partner could hear him, she could respond, and communication became safe again.
Speaker A:This is something every listener can start practicing, naming the feeling instead of reacting to it.
Speaker A:And finally, change is gradual.
Speaker A:And that's a good thing.
Speaker A:Paul didn't wake up one morning calm and centered.
Speaker A:He made small shifts, one at a time.
Speaker A:He stepped back, reflected, and kept choosing the kind of man he wanted to be.
Speaker A:Now remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it, See what shifts.
Speaker A:And if you'd like help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angasecrets.com on this site you can access my free training Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment call to talk personally with me about your situation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete anger management system, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.
Speaker A:It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control or what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lies.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker D:The anger management podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
