7 – 6 Steps To Control Your Anger

Are you tired of losing your temper with those that you love?

Have you ever said or done something out of anger and immediately wished you could take it back?

Have your partner or children ever told you that they are scared of your anger or don't feel safe around you?

If so, this episode of the Anger Management Podcast may be exactly what you need to hear.

Stay tuned as I reveal six actionable tips you can use right now to stop anger from controlling you and start living a calmer, happier, and more peaceful life.

Hello, and welcome to episode seven of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss six tips to control anger.

No matter what situation you may find yourself in, make sure you stick around to the end of the episode where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to access my help to control your anger once and for all.

With that said, here's Jake and Sarah.

Hey, everyone, and welcome back.

Today we're going deep on something I think we all struggle with from time to time.

And if you're looking for some practical ways to kind of get a handle on those heated moments and build healthier relationships with the people in your life.

Yes, I think you're in the right place, because I think today is going to be a game changer for a lot of people.

I think so, too.

And, you know, it's so common for people to feel like anger is this big, overwhelming force that takes over, but the truth is, we actually have a lot more control than we think.

Okay, that's reassuring to hear.

So where do we even begin with all this?

Well, one of the most important things to understand about anger is that it's not really caused by the events that are happening.

Okay.

But by our thoughts about those events.

Well, wait, so you're telling me it's not my partner leaving their dirty dishes in the sink that sends me through the roof, Right.

It's my thoughts about the dishes.

Yeah, exactly.

So let's say you walk into the kitchen and you see that sink full of dirty dishes.

Your thought might be they did it again.

They don't care about me or my feelings or how hard I work.

And it's those thoughts, those are the judgments and assumptions that are actually triggering the anger.

Okay, that makes sense.

But how do we actually, like, change our thinking in the heat of the moment?

Like when I'm already seeing red about the dishes, it's really hard to suddenly be like, oh, maybe they had a really rough day.

It is.

And it takes practice.

And that's where something called the tension scale comes in.

Ooh, I like this.

Yeah.

So imagine like a scale of 0 to 10.

Okay.

Where 0 is, like, totally relaxed.

Yeah, exactly.

And 10 is, like, full blown rage.

Yeah.

And we all have a point somewhere on that scale where anger starts to take over.

So the key is to become aware of your own personal tension level before you hit that point.

Okay, so let's say I know I tend to lose at around a seven.

I should start paying attention to what's going on when I'm at, like, a five or a six.

Like, okay, my heart rate's going up, my jaw's getting tight.

I'm starting to clench my fists.

Right.

That's like my cue to intervene.

Exactly.

Recognizing those early signs gives you a chance to apply some de escalation techniques.

Ooh, we're going to have a whole other deep dive just on de escalation techniques.

Absolutely.

But for now, just think about it like catching a snowball as it starts rolling downhill.

I like that.

It's a lot easier to stop it at the top than when it's gained all this momentum and it's about to flatten you at the bottom of the hill.

Right.

Okay.

So we're getting good at recognizing our triggers, catching that anger snowball early.

Yes.

But what about those times when we do, like, full on get angry?

Like, we hit an 8 or a 9 on the tension scale.

Does it ever help to just let it all out?

That's such a great question.

And while it might feel good in the moment to explode or, you know, really let somebody have it.

Sure.

Take a moment to think about it.

Sure.

Has expressing anger aggressively ever actually solved the problem?

Ooh, that's a good point.

In my experience, it actually almost always makes things worse.

Yeah.

It damages our relationships and creates more conflict.

Yeah, you're so right.

I can definitely think of a few times where I said some things in anger that I wish I could take back.

Yeah.

It's like throwing gasoline on a fire, right?

It is.

So if aggression isn't the answer, what are some healthier ways to deal with that really intense anger.

Think of it like training a muscle.

Okay.

We need to practice relaxation techniques regularly, even when we're not angry, so that they're ready to go when we need them.

Yeah.

Simple things like deep breathing, positive self talk.

Okay.

Or even just removing ourselves from the situation for a few minutes can make a world of difference.

So deep breaths, positive self talk, these are like our secret weapons in the fight against anger.

They are, but how do they work?

So deep breathing helps to calm your nervous system.

Okay.

Which is in overdrive when you're angry.

Right.

It's kind of like hitting the pause button on your body's stress response.

Yeah.

And then positive self talk helps to challenge those negative thoughts that are fueling the fire.

So instead of thinking, this is a disaster, I can try shifting my thinking to, okay, this is challenging, but I can handle this.

Exactly.

And sometimes the best thing you can do is just step away from the situation for a few minutes to let those really intense emotions subside a little bit.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah.

Sometimes I just need to go for a walk, get some fresh air, and come back to the situation with a clearer head.

Perfect example.

Even a short break can help you regain control.

Yeah.

Respond more thoughtfully.

Okay.

So we've covered a lot of ground here.

We've talked about recognizing our triggers, catching anger early, using that tension scale, and some simple but powerful relaxation techniques.

Yeah.

It feels like we're building a pretty solid foundation here for understanding and managing anger.

I think so too.

But what happens when our anger is directed at someone else?

How do we navigate those situations?

That's where empathy comes in.

Okay.

You know, anger often makes us very self focused.

Yeah.

And it kind of blinds us to the other person's perspective.

So it's so important to try to see the situation from their point of view.

Okay.

And understand why they might be acting the way they are.

So instead of thinking, oh, they're being so unreasonable.

Right.

I should try to understand what's going on for them.

Exactly.

Remember, there's always at least two sides to every story.

That's such a good point.

Yeah.

But what if, even with the best intentions, things are still getting really heated?

What's our next move in those cases?

It's so helpful to have a pre agreed upon timeout strategy.

Now, this doesn't mean storming off in a huff.

It's about calmly communicating to the other person that you need a break to cool down and then agreeing to revisit the conversation later when you're both A little bit calmer.

I love that idea of a timeout.

It's like hitting the reset button before things escalate any further.

Exactly.

And remember, this is something you should discuss with your partner or whoever you tend to have conflict with before things get heated.

Before.

Yeah.

Agree on a signal, maybe a time frame, what you'll both do during the timeout to de escalate.

That's such a good point.

Having those ground rules in place beforehand can make a world of difference.

For sure.

Okay, so we've covered so many valuable tips already today.

Yes.

But before we wrap up this first part, is there anything else you want to leave our listeners with?

I think it's really important to remember that managing anger is an ongoing journey.

Yeah.

There will be ups and downs, times when you feel like you're nailing it, and times when you might slip up.

Yeah.

The key is to be kind to yourself, learn from those experiences, and keep practicing.

That's such a good reminder.

We're all human.

We're all learning and growing.

So before we move on, let's do a quick recap of the key takeaways from this first part of our deep dive.

Okay.

We talked about how it's our thoughts, not events, that cause anger.

Right.

We learned about recognizing our triggers and using that tension scale to kind of gauge where we're at.

We explore the power of some of those relaxation techniques like deep breathing and positive self talk.

Yes.

And then finally, we discuss the importance of empathy and having that time out strategy.

Absolutely.

This is good stuff.

But wait, there's more.

That's right.

Right.

Let's move into something even more impactful now.

Taking responsibility for our anger.

Ooh, that sounds intense.

But I have to admit, sometimes it feels easier to blame other people for making me angry.

It's kind of like, well, if they hadn't done that, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

You know, it's a very common trap we all fall into.

But the truth is, no one can make you angry.

You know, they might do things that you find frustrating or even hurtful, but ultimately it's our choice how we respond to the situations.

Okay, so instead of, like, pointing the finger outward, I need to look inward.

Yes.

And understand my role in the anger.

Exactly.

When you take ownership of your anger, it's like you move from feeling like a victim to feeling empowered.

Ooh, I like that.

Right.

You're no longer at the mercy of other people's actions.

Yeah.

That's a powerful shift in perspective.

Yeah.

It makes me think of that saying you can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

I love that analogy.

It really captures it perfectly.

Yeah.

So how can we start taking more responsibility?

What are some practical steps we can take?

Well, a great first step is to become aware of your thought patterns.

Okay.

What are the stories you're telling yourself when you get angry?

Are you assuming the worst about other people's intentions?

Oh, yeah.

Are you catastrophizing the situation?

Ooh, catastrophizing.

That's me.

I can turn a spilled glass of milk into, like, a total meltdown in five seconds.

We all have our patterns.

But the good news is, once you become aware of those patterns, you can start to challenge them.

Okay, so instead of thinking, this is a disaster, I can't believe this is happening, I can try to reframe it to something like, okay, this is inconvenient, but I can clean it up and move on.

Exactly.

And remember, thoughts are not facts.

Just because you think something doesn't make it true.

That's a really good reminder.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own thoughts that I forget to question them.

We all do it.

But with practice, you can become more mindful of those thoughts and choose to respond in a way that aligns with your values.

Okay, so we've talked about taking responsibility for our anger and challenging those unhelpful thoughts.

Yes.

What else can we do to navigate those tricky situations where anger might rear its head?

Communication is key.

Learning to communicate your needs and boundaries assertively can prevent a lot of misunderstandings.

Okay.

And resentment, that can lead to anger.

That makes sense.

But assertiveness can be tough.

It's like finding that sweet spot between being passive and aggressive.

It is a skill that takes practice.

Yeah, but it's about expressing your needs and your feelings clearly and respectfully.

Right.

Without blaming or attacking the other person.

So instead of saying, you always do this, I can try saying something like, when this happens, I feel hurt and frustrated.

Can we talk about how to handle this differently in the future?

That's a great example.

You're owning your feelings and expressing your needs without putting the other person on the defensive.

This is so helpful.

Yeah.

I can already see how these tools can make a huge difference in my relationships.

But I have to be honest.

Sometimes, even when I try my best to manage my anger, it still feels like it just has this power over me.

It's important to remember that you're not alone in this.

You know, anger is a powerful emotion.

Yeah.

And it takes time and practice to learn how to manage it effectively.

And for those who want more support and guidance, the Complete Anger Management System.

Good.

It's a comprehensive resource that really dives deep into all the techniques we've discussed today and more.

It includes video lessons, worksheets, exercises.

Wow.

And even a private community forum where you can connect with other people who are on the same journey.

That sounds incredible.

Where can our listeners find out more about the program?

You can visit angersecrets.com okay.

Fantastic.

We'll be sure to include that link in the show notes so everybody can easily find it.

Great.

Okay, so as we wrap up this part two of our deep Dive, let's recap those key takeaways.

Okay.

We learned about the importance of taking responsibility for our anger.

Yes.

Challenging our unhelpful thoughts and communicating assertively.

That's right.

And remember, managing anger is a journey, not a destination.

Right.

You know, there will be ups and downs, but with practice and persistence, you can gain control of your anger and create those more peaceful and fulfilling relationships.

Beautifully said.

This has been such an amazing deep dive.

I feel like I've learned so much about understanding and managing anger.

We talked about recognizing those triggers using the tension scale, practicing those relaxation techniques.

Yes.

Taking responsibility for our anger, challenging those uncomfortable, unhelpful thoughts.

Right.

Communicating assertively and changing our perspective.

It's a lot to take in and remember.

Be patient with yourself, celebrate your successes and keep learning and growing.

And for our listeners who are ready to take that next step and dive even deeper.

Yes.

Don't forget to check out the complete anger management system on Anger secrets dot com.

Yes.

There's also a free training available on the website that'll give you a little taste of what the program is all about.

Awesome.

I'm so passionate about helping people break free from anger and create lives filled with peace and joy.

And to all of our amazing listeners, thank you for joining us on this deep dive into anger management.

Yes.

Thank you.

We hope you found it insightful and empowering.

Until next time, remember, you have the power to choose peace over anger.

You absolutely do.

That's it for today's episode.

We'll see you next time for another deep dive.

Okay.

Thanks for tuning in today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you have found this deep dive into six tips to help you control your anger.

Useful.

Before we finish, let's summarise the main tips that Jake and Sarah talked about.

These tips were tip one.

Your thoughts cause your anger, not the events that happened to you.

This tip is one of the most powerful secrets of Anger Management As Jake and Sarah said, your anger is triggered by your thoughts about a situation, not by the events that happened to you.

For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you can think that driver is such an idiot and get angry.

Or you can think maybe that driver is in a hurry to see their sick child at the hospital and not get angry.

Changing your thoughts about a situation will help you control your anger.

Tip two was to monitor your tension scale.

The tension scale is a scale from 0 to 10 that helps you monitor your stress and tension levels.

At around 7 on the tension scale, most people begin to feel angry.

Being aware of where you are on the tension scale is a central part of anger management.

Tip three was that expressing anger in abusive or violent ways never helps.

As Jake and Sarah discussed, expressing your anger through aggression, abuse or violence only makes situations worse.

Yelling, intimidating or threatening others damages relationships and escalates conflicts.

Before reacting to a situation with anger, ask yourself, will this help?

The answer is almost always no.

Tip 4 is to use relaxation techniques when your tension or stress levels are high.

Simple relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation or progressive muscle relaxation can help you calm down and think more clearly.

As Jake mentioned, these techniques require practice to be effective.

Tip five is to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

When you are angry, it's easy to become self focused and only see things from your point of view.

By stepping back and trying to understand the other person's perspective, you may see the situation differently and find a solution that benefits both parties.

Finally, Tip six is to take time out when necessary when your anger escalates.

Leaving the situation is better than risking losing control.

Agreeing with your partner on how to effectively take a timeout can help prevent misunderstandings and allow you both to calm down before discussing the issue later.

Ok, I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, please take a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find the show and start their journey to a calmer, happier, healthier life.

Remember, for free support to control your anger, including access to free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me.

Visit my website angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.