For more information (and FREE resources) on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Anger can disrupt even the strongest relationships, but it doesn’t have to. This episode delves into the importance of recognising your anger triggers and developing effective communication strategies to manage anger before it escalates.
By establishing regular check-ins with your partner, you can foster a safe space for open dialogue and address concerns before they turn into conflicts. Additionally, managing stress through simple techniques like exercise and mindfulness can help maintain a calmer atmosphere.
Ultimately, you and your partner are on the same team, and by working together, you can build a more loving and peaceful relationship.
Key Takeaways:
- Identifying your anger triggers is the first step to managing your emotional responses.
- Create a safe space for open communication by scheduling regular relationship check-ins.
- Managing stress through exercise, mindfulness and social connections can prevent angry outbursts.
- Practice empathy and understanding when your partner is angry to help de-escalate conflict.
- Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements to express feelings without blame.
- Forgiveness is a process that helps release resentment and fosters healing in relationships.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
For Alastair’s comprehensive anger management program, The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course.
Transcript
Picture you're sitting across from your partner at the dinner table.
Alister Dewes:Suddenly, a lighthearted conversation takes a sharp turn.
Alister Dewes:A single comment, perhaps one your partner didn't even think twice about, sets you off.
Alister Dewes:Your tension builds, your voice gets louder, and suddenly you're in an argument that feels impossible to stop.
Alister Dewes:You can see the hurt in your partner's eyes, but don't know how to stop.
Alister Dewes:Moments later, you're left with silence, regret, and a growing distance between you.
Alister Dewes:If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
Alister Dewes:Anger can sneak into even the strongest relationships, turning love and connection into conflict and resentment.
Alister Dewes:But it doesn't have to be this way.
Alister Dewes:In today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast, we're exploring four powerful strategies to help you recognize your triggers, communicate openly, and manage your emotions in situations like this before they spiral out of control.
Alister Dewes:By the end of this episode, you'll have the tools to stop anger in its tracks and create a calmer, happier and more loving relationship, no matter how heated things have been in the past.
Alister Dewes:Hello, and welcome to episode nine of the Anger Management Podcast.
Alister Dewes:I'm your host, Alister Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Alister Dewes:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Alister Dewes:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss how to control your anger in your relationship and why controlling your anger is essential for maintaining a healthy and loving connection with your partner.
Alister Dewes:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to access my help to control your anger once and for all.
Alister Dewes:With that said, let's get started on today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Hey, everyone.
Speaker B:Welcome back.
Speaker B:Today we're doing a deep dive on anger management in relationships.
Speaker B:We'll be exploring some tips and techniques that can help keep those little disagreements from becoming huge blowouts.
Sarah:Anger is totally normal, but when it's not dealt with well, things can go south pretty quick.
Sarah:The good news is there are ways to get it under control, keep those relationships healthy and strong.
Speaker B:It's true.
Speaker B:We've all had those moments where anchor kind of takes the wheel and we think, how do we even get here?
Speaker B:So let's start with what tends to Set people off in relationships in the first place?
Sarah:Well, one of the first things is to understand what we call anger triggers.
Sarah:Ever notice how certain things just push your buttons?
Sarah:Like maybe your partner's not listening to you or they're always leaving their dirty socks around.
Speaker B:Oh, the socks.
Speaker B:Everyone's been there.
Speaker B:Yeah, but yeah, seeing those patterns, figuring out what sets you off, that's huge, right?
Sarah:Once you know what those triggers are, you can start coming up with ways to deal with them.
Sarah:Like, if mornings are tough for you, maybe try getting up a little earlier or doing some prep the night before.
Sarah:Take the edge off a little.
Speaker B:That's a great point.
Speaker B:It's like avoiding those emotional landmines before they even go off.
Speaker B:But sometimes, let's be real, those triggers catch us off guard, especially when we're stressed.
Speaker B:Deadlines at work, family drama, it all adds up.
Sarah:Oh, you're telling me.
Sarah:Stress is a major player when it comes to anger.
Sarah:It's like a pressure cooker, all that heat building up.
Sarah:Eventually something's gotta give.
Speaker B:So how do we let off some steam before things boil over?
Sarah:Well, there are some simple but super effective things you can do.
Sarah:Exercise is a game changer.
Sarah:Even a quick walk can make a world of difference.
Sarah:Clear your head, get those emotions moving.
Speaker B:I've got to agree with you there.
Speaker B:When I work out, my whole outlook changes.
Speaker B:Those little things that might have bugged me, they just don't seem so important anymore.
Sarah:Totally.
Sarah:And it's not just about hitting the gym, spending time in nature, talking to loved ones, mindfulness meditation.
Sarah:Those are all tools that can help manage stress and find a little calm in the chaos.
Speaker B:It's like having a whole toolkit of stress busters.
Speaker B:The more you have, the better prepared you are.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:It's not about being perfect.
Sarah:It's about having those go to strategies that work for you.
Sarah:Now, even with all that, disagreements are going to happen, that's just life.
Sarah:It's how we handle them that makes the difference.
Speaker B:So true.
Speaker B:Avoiding conflict completely.
Speaker B:Not realistic, not even healthy.
Speaker B:So what's a good way to approach those disagreements without letting anger take over?
Sarah:One really powerful technique is what we call state of the relationship meetings.
Speaker B:State of the relationship meetings.
Speaker B:Okay, I'm listening.
Sarah:It's basically setting aside some time, maybe once a week or so, where you and your partner just sit down and connect, talk about how you're feeling about the relationship, what's working, what needs some tweaking.
Speaker B:So it's about being proactive with communication instead of waiting for things to blow up.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:Creating A safe space for open and honest dialogue.
Sarah:Address those little issues before they become big problems.
Speaker B:That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker B:But sometimes bringing up those sensitive topics can be tough, even in a setting like that.
Speaker B:How can you make sure those conversations stay productive and respectful?
Sarah:That's a good question.
Sarah:One helpful tip is to lay down some ground rules.
Speaker B:Like what kind of ground rules?
Sarah:Agreeing to stay calm.
Sarah:No personal attacks.
Sarah:Really listen to each other, no interrupting.
Sarah:And remember, the goal isn't to win the argument.
Sarah:It's about understanding where the other person's coming from and finding solutions that work for both of you.
Speaker B:So it's about being a team, even when you disagree?
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:Shifting from that me versus you mindset to a we're in this together approach makes a world of difference.
Speaker B:That's a really powerful shift in perspective.
Speaker B:Sometimes, though, talking directly can be just too hard.
Speaker B:Especially when emotions are running high.
Sarah:Definitely.
Sarah:And in those cases, practicing these conversations with a trusted third party can help a friend, a family member, maybe even a therapist.
Speaker B:So like having someone there to keep things on track.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And it can give you the confidence to tackle those tougher conversations later on.
Speaker B:That's a really helpful tip.
Speaker B:Shows how important it is to have support.
Sarah:But what about when those triggers still manage to go off?
Sarah:Like, what do you do when you actually start feeling that anger bubbling up in the moment?
Speaker B:That's the million dollar question, right?
Speaker B:I mean, that's when all those tools and techniques really matter.
Speaker B:I remember you talking about recognizing those early warning signs.
Speaker B:Like, your heart starts racing, you tense up.
Speaker B:What are some other things we should be on the lookout for?
Sarah:Well, have you ever noticed how when you're getting angry, your thoughts start racing too?
Sarah:Like, all of a sudden it's, they always do this or they never listen.
Sarah:That kind of thinking can make things so much worse.
Speaker B:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker B:Like, everything just seems magnified when you're angry, doesn't it?
Speaker B:What can you do to kind of break out of that negative spiral?
Sarah:This is where mindfulness comes in.
Sarah:Instead of getting swept up in those thoughts, try just observing them without judging them.
Sarah:You know, think of it like watching clouds.
Sarah:They float by, but they don't define the entire sky.
Speaker B:That's a great way to put it.
Speaker B:It's about getting a little distance from those thoughts.
Speaker B:So you're not just automatically reacting to every single one.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:It's about taking back control.
Sarah:And hey, even if you do lose your cool sometimes, that's okay.
Sarah:It happens to all of us.
Sarah:The important thing is to learn from it and keep practicing those healthy Coping.
Speaker B:Skills progress, not perfection.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But honestly, sometimes you just need a time out.
Speaker B:Is that all right?
Sarah:Oh, for sure.
Sarah:Taking a time out can be a really good idea, especially if you think you're about to say or do something you'll regret later.
Sarah:It's all about recognizing when you need a break to just gather your thoughts, you know, get your composure back.
Speaker B:That makes sense.
Speaker B:But how do you take a time out without making your partner feel like you're just abandoning them or shutting down completely?
Sarah:Communication is key, even when things are heated.
Sarah:So instead of storming off, try saying something like, hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now.
Sarah:I need a couple minutes to calm down before we keep talking.
Speaker B:So assertive but respectful, letting your partner know you're not just checking out of the relationship, you're taking care of yourself.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And it's important to set a time limit, too, like, I'll be back in 15 minutes, or let's talk about this again after dinner.
Sarah:That way they know you're coming back.
Sarah:You're still committed to to figuring things out.
Speaker B:So, like hitting pause, not stop.
Speaker B:That's great advice, but what about when our partner who's angry?
Speaker B:How can we respond in a way that de escalates things?
Sarah:Yeah, that can be tough.
Sarah:But the most important thing is to stay calm yourself.
Sarah:Remember, you can't control how they're feeling, but you can control how you react.
Speaker B:Easier said than done, right?
Speaker B:Yeah, especially if they're yelling, saying hurtful things.
Sarah:It definitely takes practice.
Sarah:But try to remember that their anger is probably coming from a place of hurt or fear.
Sarah:Maybe they're feeling unheard, misunderstood, or just overwhelmed.
Sarah:Responding with empathy and understanding can often help them calm down, too.
Sarah:Get back to a more productive place.
Speaker B:So meeting anger with compassion, not more anger.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen.
Sarah:Really listen.
Sarah:Let them express how they're feeling.
Sarah:Don't interrupt, don't judge.
Sarah:Just feeling heard and validated can go a long way.
Speaker B:Sometimes that's the most loving thing you can do, isn't it?
Speaker B:Just be present and really listen.
Speaker B:What about when your partner's anger crosses a line, though?
Speaker B:Like it becomes abusive or threatening?
Sarah:That's a really important point.
Sarah:You always have the right to feel safe in your relationship.
Sarah:If your partner's anger ever turns into abuse, whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical, it's crucial to get professional help and make sure you have a safety plan that's so important.
Speaker B:Your safety comes first.
Speaker B:And there are resources out there to help you navigate those situations.
Speaker B:To Protect yourself.
Speaker B:So we've been focusing on managing anger in the moment, but what about the long term?
Speaker B:How do you build that foundation of emotional health in your relationship that makes anger less likely to erupt in the first place?
Sarah:Ah, now you're talking.
Sarah:This is about creating a strong, resilient partnership.
Sarah:It's about building those positive habits and practices that bring you closer together.
Sarah:Understanding, respect, you know, the good stuff.
Speaker B:So like building an immune system for your relationship.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And one of the most important ingredients in that immune system is good communication.
Sarah:We touched on this earlier, but it's worth repeating.
Sarah:It's vital to have that space where you both feel safe.
Sarah:Sharing your thoughts and feelings without being judged or rejected.
Speaker B:Building that bridge of trust and vulnerability.
Speaker B:But how do you actually do that?
Speaker B:What does healthy communication look like?
Speaker B:You know, in real life?
Sarah:It starts with really listening.
Sarah:I mean, really paying attention to what your partner is saying, both the words and, you know, the body language.
Sarah:Put aside your own thoughts and judgments for a minute.
Sarah:Try to see things from their perspective.
Speaker B:Walk a mile in their shoes, even if you don't agree with them.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And it's about expressing your own feelings and needs clearly and assertively.
Sarah:Not blaming or accusing, just stating your experience and what you'd like to see happen.
Speaker B:So I statements instead of you statements.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Focusing on your own experience, not attacking them.
Sarah:You got it.
Sarah:And being willing to compromise.
Sarah:Remembering that you're two different people.
Sarah:You're going to have different perspectives.
Sarah:It's about finding solutions that work for both of you.
Speaker B:Like a dance.
Speaker B:Finding that rhythm of give and take.
Sarah:Absolutely.
Sarah:And remember, communication isn't just about talking.
Sarah:Right.
Sarah:It's those little everyday things too.
Sarah:The hugs, the compliments, the random acts of kindness.
Sarah:All those things say, I see you, I appreciate you, I care.
Speaker B:It's the little things that add up.
Speaker B:Create that warmth and connection.
Speaker B:It can make all the difference.
Speaker B:So you have that strong foundation.
Speaker B:But disagreements are going to happen.
Speaker B:How do you, I don't know, fight fair?
Sarah:Well, first of all, remember you're on the same team.
Sarah:You're not enemies, you're partners trying to find a solution together.
Speaker B:It's like remembering you're in this together, even when it's hard.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And pick your battles.
Sarah:Right.
Sarah:And not everything has to be a huge fight.
Sarah:Sometimes it's okay to let things go.
Sarah:Agree to disagree or find a compromise that works for both of you.
Speaker B:Know when to hold them, know when to fill them.
Sarah:Uh huh.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And when you do have those disagreements, do it with respect.
Sarah:No name calling, insults or Personal attacks.
Sarah:Stick to the topic at hand and focus on finding a solution, not just proving your point.
Speaker B:Assertive, not aggressive.
Speaker B:Standing up for yourself, but not putting them down.
Sarah:You got it.
Sarah:And be willing to apologize when you mess up.
Sarah:We all make mistakes.
Sarah:Owning up to them can really go a long way.
Sarah:Helps repair any damage that's been done.
Speaker B:Taking responsibility for your actions, showing them that you care about their feelings.
Speaker B:Sometimes though, even with the best intentions, things escalate.
Speaker B:What do you do when it starts to get really heated?
Sarah:Well, it helps to recognize your own patterns.
Sarah:Like do you tend to get defensive?
Sarah:Do you withdraw?
Sarah:Do you raise your voice, like knowing.
Speaker B:Your own anger fingerprint?
Speaker B:So once you see those patterns, what do you do?
Sarah:That's when you start working on new coping skills.
Sarah:If you get defensive, try active listening.
Sarah:If you withdraw, practice expressing yourself more clearly.
Sarah:If you raise your voice, work on taking those deep breaths, speaking calmly, so.
Speaker B:Trading those bad habits for good ones.
Speaker B:What about when you just can't seem to break those patterns, though?
Sarah:That's when getting professional help can be a lifesaver.
Sarah:A therapist can help you get to the root of your anger, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and create a much more fulfilling, peaceful relationship.
Speaker B:It's true.
Speaker B:There's no shame in asking for help.
Speaker B:In fact, it shows real strength and commitment to yourself and your relationship.
Speaker B:And speaking of help, we've been mentioning angersecrets.com quite a bit.
Speaker B:Can you tell us a bit more about what people can find there?
Sarah:Of course.
Sarah:It's got tons of great resources on anger management, articles, videos.
Sarah:There's even a free online training that covers some of those key tips and techniques we've been talking about for controlling anger and building calmer, happier relationships.
Speaker B:A free training.
Speaker B:That's awesome.
Speaker B:I'm sure our listeners will want to check that out.
Speaker B:Before we wrap up though, I want to touch on one more thing, and that's forgiveness.
Speaker B:It feels like a really crucial part of this whole anger management thing.
Sarah:Oh, absolutely.
Sarah:Forgiveness is so important for healing and moving forward after a conflict.
Sarah:It's about letting go of that resentment.
Sarah:Choosing to be kind and compassionate to yourself and to your partner.
Speaker B:Releasing that anger and bitterness that can really poison a relationship.
Speaker B:But how do you actually forgive someone, especially when they've hurt you?
Sarah:Well, it's a process, not a one time thing.
Sarah:It takes time and it's not always easy.
Sarah:But it starts with a willingness to let go of the need to be right.
Sarah:The need to punish them, to hold on to that anger.
Speaker B:Choosing peace over bitterness.
Speaker B:What if they don't apologize, though, or take responsibility for what they did, can you still forgive them?
Sarah:That's a tough one.
Sarah:Ideally, both people would own up to their actions.
Sarah:But forgiveness doesn't have to depend on them.
Sarah:It's a gift you give yourself, a way to free yourself from that anger and resentment.
Speaker B:So it's about taking back your own emotional power regardless of what they do.
Sarah:Exactly.
Sarah:And sometimes just the act of forgiving them can inspire them to change their own behavior.
Sarah:They see that you're willing to let go and move forward, it can open the door for them to do the same.
Speaker B:That's a beautiful way to think about it.
Speaker B:Breaking that cycle of anger and resentment and making space for healing and growth.
Sarah:I love that.
Sarah:Before we wrap up, what are some of the key takeaways you want our listeners to remember from our deep dive here on anger management in relationships?
Speaker B:I think the biggest one is that anger is normal.
Speaker B:It's okay to feel it.
Speaker B:It's not about pretending it's not there.
Speaker B:It's about expressing it in a healthy way.
Sarah:Finding that balance between acknowledging your feelings and controlling your actions.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And remember, you're not alone in this.
Speaker B:There are tons of resources out there to help you develop those healthy coping skills to build stronger, happier relationships.
Speaker B:And speaking of resources, we've talked a lot about anger secrets.com it's an amazing.
Sarah:Website packed with helpful information on anger management, articles, videos, and even a free online training.
Sarah:If you want to learn more, I highly recommend checking it out.
Sarah:Definitely.
Sarah:And remember, change is possible.
Sarah:If you put in the effort, you really can create more peace and love in your life and in your relationships.
Speaker B:That's such a great message to end on.
Speaker B:Thanks for joining us for this deep dive.
Speaker B:I hope you've all learned some valuable things about anger management in relationships.
Speaker B:Until next time, take care.
Alister Dewes:Okay, thanks for tuning in today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Alister Dewes:I hope this deep dive into managing anger in relationships is helpful.
Alister Dewes:Before we finish, let's summarise the main ideas that Jake and Sarah discussed.
Alister Dewes:To begin with, Jake and Sarah discussed the idea of anger triggers.
Alister Dewes:The first step to managing your anger is identifying what triggers it.
Alister Dewes:Recognising these triggers empowers you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Alister Dewes:Next, Jake and Sarah discussed the importance of communicating openly and honestly in relationships.
Alister Dewes:A great idea is to schedule weekly state of the relationship meetings to share your thoughts and feelings about your relationship without judgment or criticism.
Alister Dewes:Thirdly, Jake and Sarah mentioned the importance of managing stress, as high stress levels can double the risk of arguing with your partner.
Alister Dewes:Some simple strategies for managing stress include regular exercise, deep breathing exercises, spending time in nature, staying connected to loved ones, and practicing mindfulness or meditation.
Alister Dewes:Finally, Jake and Sarah reminded us that you and your partner are on the same team.
Alister Dewes:Instead of arguing against each other, trying to understand each other's perspectives, and working together to find a solution that works for both of you is much more effective.
Alister Dewes:Practicing these strategies, understanding your anger triggers, communicating effectively, managing stress, and remembering to act as a team will reduce conflict and build a more loving and peaceful relationship.
Alister Dewes:Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Alister Dewes:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favorite podcast app and leave a quick rating and review.
Alister Dewes:This helps others find the show and start their journey to a calmer, happier, healthier life.
Alister Dewes:Remember, for free support to control your anger, including access to free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, anger secrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Alister Dewes:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Alister Dewes:I'll see you in the next episode.
Alister Dewes:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
