For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Being right often costs more than it’s worth, especially in relationships. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs dives into how the need to win arguments often leads to frustration and disconnection. He emphasizes that judgmental thinking can fuel anger and conflict, making it crucial to shift towards understanding and connection instead.
This episode also explores practical steps to embrace open-mindedness and respecting different perspectives even when they clash with one’s own.
Key Takeaways:
- The need to be right can cost you more than it’s worth.
- Judgmental thinking leads to arguments and makes it harder to connect with others.
- Open-mindedness is the antidote to judgmental thinking and fuels understanding in relationships.
- Recognising that different perspectives don’t mean someone is wrong is essential for growth.
- Taking a step back and saying ‘maybe’ can help soften arguments and lead to connection.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Have you ever been in the middle of an argument and thought, I'm right.
Speaker A:I know I'm right.
Speaker A:Why can't they just see it?
Speaker A:And meanwhile, your partner is thinking the exact same thing.
Speaker A:You both dig in, your voices rise, you talk in circles, and eventually you walk away frustrated, disconnected, and no closer to any kind of resolution.
Speaker A:I've seen this pattern play out so many times in couples I've worked with.
Speaker A:But here's the question I want to ask.
Speaker A:What if being right is costing you something far more important, like peace, connection, or trust?
Speaker A:In this episode, we're diving into one of the most common but destructive patterns in relationships.
Speaker A:Judgmental thinking and the need to win.
Speaker A:I'll share how this mindset shows up, how it feeds anger and conflict, and most importantly, how to shift it.
Speaker A:Because sometimes the key to resolving a fight isn't proving your point, it's being willing to connect.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 26 of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues.
Speaker A:Over the past 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 people take control of their anger, manage their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more connected relationships.
Speaker A:And on this podcast, I bring you the best of what I've learned, combined with the power of AI to share simple, powerful tools that can help you do the same.
Speaker A:Now, today's topic is a big one, especially if you find yourself constantly clashing with your partner or struggling to let things go.
Speaker A:I'm calling this episode why you think you're always right and how it's hurting your relationship.
Speaker A:To help unpack it, I've invited my AI co hosts, Jake and Sarah to explore what judgmental thinking really looks like, why it's such a problem in relationships, and how to replace it with something much more powerful.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around until the end, because after their conversation, I'll be back to give you a quick summary and a simple next step you can take to start shifting this pattern in your own life.
Speaker A:Let's jump into it.
Speaker A:Here's Jake and Sarah.
Speaker B:You know that feeling, right?
Speaker B:You're in the middle of an argument, maybe with your partner, maybe someone else, and you just know, deep down, I'm right.
Speaker B:I know I'm right.
Speaker B:And you look across at them and you can just see it.
Speaker B:They're thinking the exact same thing.
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker C:That sense of complete certainty while the other person is just as certain on the opposite side.
Speaker C:It happens all the time.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Or maybe you've walked away from a disagreement feeling, I don't know, just totally blocked.
Speaker B:Like Nothing got resolved and you're just left feeling frustrated, disconnected.
Speaker C:That feeling of hitting a brick wall, no resolution in sight.
Speaker C:It's incredibly common.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's really what we wanted to dig into today.
Speaker B:This whole idea.
Speaker B:What if that need, that almost gut level urge to be right, what if it's actually damaging something really important, something more valuable.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker B:Like peace in the relationship or that feeling of connection, maybe even trust.
Speaker C:That's the big question, isn't it?
Speaker C:So today we're going to explore this whole tendency we have towards judgmental thinking, that drive to win every argument, and crucially, how that mindset fuels conflict, fuels anger, and what we can maybe do to shift that pattern.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Towards more understanding, hopefully.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Towards understanding.
Speaker B:So where does this even start?
Speaker B:Why do we judge so automatically?
Speaker B:It feels almost instantaneous sometimes.
Speaker C:It really does.
Speaker C:And in many ways it's hardwired.
Speaker C:Our brains are constantly scanning, evaluating people, situations, making these super quick assessments.
Speaker C:Think about it.
Speaker C:You meet someone new and bam, your brain's already forming an impression, often before you're even consciously thinking about it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That gut reaction.
Speaker B:But it seems like once that little judgment switch flips on, it's really hard to turn off, isn't it?
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:It really is.
Speaker C:You get locked in.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like it digs its heels in.
Speaker C:That's a good way to put it.
Speaker C:Those initial judgments can easily become these ingrained negative thought patterns.
Speaker C:It makes it much harder to step back, to consider, hey, maybe there's another way to look at this.
Speaker C:Or maybe my first impression wasn't the whole story.
Speaker B:And doesn't it feel like our culture almost cheers this on?
Speaker C:That's a really sharp point.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Many cultures, and you see it a lot, particularly in the west, seem to put a huge premium on being correct.
Speaker C:And not just being correct, but proving that someone else is wrong.
Speaker B:Oh, definitely.
Speaker B:You just have to look at modern politics.
Speaker B:It often feels less about finding common ground or solving problems and more about scoring points, about winning the debate.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:It's all about the win sometimes, regardless of the facts or the possibility of collaboration.
Speaker B:Have you noticed that kind of creeping into everyday life too?
Speaker C:Yeah, without a doubt.
Speaker C:That competitive, almost adversarial approach, it absolutely seeps into our personal lives, into our relationships.
Speaker C:It makes us less willing to really listen, less willing to cooperate.
Speaker C:We end up just digging in, defending our own position.
Speaker B:Getting entrenched.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Very, very entrenched.
Speaker B:Okay, we get entrenched.
Speaker B:We need to be right.
Speaker B:What are the actual, like tangible negative effects of this?
Speaker B:When we're stuck in that Judgmental loop?
Speaker C:Well, the most immediate one is usually conflict, arguments, resentment.
Speaker C:When someone feels judged or constantly told they're wrong, what happens?
Speaker C:They feel maybe inferior or accused, attacked even?
Speaker B:Yeah, you put your guard up.
Speaker C:Instantly defensiveness kicks in, resentment starts to build, and often there's this urge to push back to prove them wrong in return.
Speaker C:It's just a recipe for escalating argument.
Speaker B:Makes total sense.
Speaker B:Nobody likes feeling like they're constantly messing up or being corrected.
Speaker B:It doesn't exactly build closeness, does it?
Speaker C:Not at all.
Speaker C:It actively pushes people apart.
Speaker C:And it goes beyond just the emotional side, too.
Speaker C:This focus on being right can actually kind of blind us.
Speaker B:Blind us?
Speaker B:How so?
Speaker C:Well, if you're so convinced your view is the only correct one, you might completely miss or just dismiss other valid points or even crucial information that doesn't fit your narrative.
Speaker B:So you could actually make bad decisions because you're not seeing the full picture.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:You shut down potentially valuable insights simply because they challenge your position.
Speaker C:Have you ever, like, looking back, realized you did that?
Speaker C:Been so sure you just didn't hear something important?
Speaker B:Oh, for sure, yeah.
Speaker B:I can definitely think of times where I was so locked into my own idea that I brushed off what someone else was saying and later on kick myself because they actually had a really good point.
Speaker C:It's a very human trap to fall into.
Speaker C:And bringing it back to relationships, a huge driver of arguments is simply this.
Speaker C:Both people are utterly convinced they're right, and they both feel this burning need to prove it right.
Speaker B:And that's when voices start raising.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Anger flares up and you end up in those horrible, draining, unresolved fights where nobody wins and everyone feels disconnected.
Speaker B:Okay, so this sounds pretty damaging.
Speaker B:If this need to be right, this judgmental thinking is causing all these problems, how do we actually start to shift?
Speaker B:How do we move towards more understanding?
Speaker C:It's a conscious shift.
Speaker C:That's the first thing.
Speaker C:It takes effort.
Speaker C:But a really crucial first step is just recognizing that different thoughts, different opinions, different beliefs, they don't automatically make someone wrong.
Speaker B:It's not like there's only one truth.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:We all see the world through our own filters, right?
Speaker C:Our experiences, our upbringing, our value.
Speaker C:They all shape our perspective.
Speaker C:It's unique to each of us.
Speaker B:So respecting that uniqueness is key.
Speaker C:Absolutely vital.
Speaker C:Respecting their perspective, even when it clashes with yours.
Speaker C:It's fundamental for just having a healthy dynamic.
Speaker C:It honors their individuality.
Speaker C:And honestly, it's essential for our own growth too.
Speaker C:We learn so much when we open ourselves up to different viewpoints.
Speaker B:So it sounds like the antidote really is cultivating open mindedness.
Speaker C:That's it.
Speaker C:Open mindedness is the direct counter to that judgmental reflex.
Speaker C:And there's an old Buddhist parable that really illustrates the danger of jumping to conclusions, of needing to label things as definitely right or wrong.
Speaker C:It's about a farmer and his horse.
Speaker B:Oh, I think I know this one.
Speaker B:Is it the one where, like, things keep happening and people keep saying good luck or bad luck, but it keeps changing?
Speaker C:That's the one.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:So the farmer's only horse runs away.
Speaker C:All the neighbors come over, oh, terrible luck, so awful.
Speaker C:And the farmer just says, maybe, just maybe, okay.
Speaker C:Then a few days later, the horse comes back and it brings with it a whole herd of wild horses.
Speaker C:Now the neighbors are all, wow, amazing luck, you're rich.
Speaker C:And the farmer, he just says, maybe, maybe.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:Then his son tries to break one of the wild horses, gets thrown and breaks his leg.
Speaker C:Bad luck, right?
Speaker C:Neighbors say, so farmer says, maybe.
Speaker B:Okay, I see the pattern.
Speaker B:What happens next?
Speaker C:Well, then the army comes through conscripting all the able bodied young men for a war.
Speaker C:But because the son's leg is broken, they pass him by.
Speaker C:What looked like bad luck turned out.
Speaker B:To be good luck or at least avoided something worse.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:The point is the farmer resists making those definitive judgments.
Speaker C:He stays open because outcomes are unpredictable.
Speaker C:We rarely see the whole picture in the moment.
Speaker B:Wow, that really lands.
Speaker B:So how do we apply that farmer's wisdom to our arguments about being right?
Speaker C:Well, instead of digging in our heels, convinced we're right and they're wrong during a disagreement, we can try to channel that farmer.
Speaker C:We can step back, breathe, and try to genuinely respect our partner's perspective, even if it feels completely alien to us at first.
Speaker B:So let's focus on understanding where they're coming from.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:Embracing that open mindedness that maybe my way isn't the only way, creates space.
Speaker C:Space for connection, for compassion.
Speaker C:And just like in the story, who knows, you might actually learn something valuable or find a solution neither of you saw before.
Speaker C:It leads to a happier, more loving place.
Speaker B:Okay, so just to kind of wrap this up, we've seen that judging is pretty natural, almost automatic.
Speaker C:Yeah, hardwired even.
Speaker B:But our culture can really ramp up that pressure to always be right, always.
Speaker C:Win, definitely reinforces it.
Speaker B:And we've talked about the real fallout from that.
Speaker B:The arguments, the resentment, feeling blinded to other views.
Speaker B:It really damages relationships.
Speaker C:It absolutely can.
Speaker C:But the key takeaway, the positive shift is moving towards that open mindedness, really internalizing that different doesn't mean wrong and actively trying to respect and understand other perspectives.
Speaker B:So maybe for everyone listening, a little point of reflection.
Speaker B:Think about your own relationships.
Speaker B:Where does that need to be right?
Speaker B:Maybe show up for you?
Speaker B:Could you?
Speaker B:Maybe next time you feel that friction, consciously try to embrace your partner's viewpoint.
Speaker B:Just listen to understand, not necessarily to agree or refute.
Speaker C:It's a powerful practice.
Speaker C:It really can change the dynamic.
Speaker C:And if you feel like you need more tools or support in navigating this stuff, especially around anger and relationship conflict, we strongly recommend checking out Alistair's website.
Speaker C:There's a lot of great material there.
Speaker B:What kind of resources are available?
Speaker C:There's free training, information on programs, really practical help for managing anger and building healthier connections.
Speaker C:The website is angersecrets.com okay, great.
Speaker B:That's angersecrets.com for anyone looking for more support.
Speaker C:Definitely worth a look.
Speaker B:And maybe a final thought to leave people with that classic reminder.
Speaker B:You can't control other people, right?
Speaker B:You can't force them to see things your way.
Speaker C:Nope, you really can't.
Speaker B:But you can control yourself.
Speaker B:You can control your own reactions, your own mindset, and your own willingness to understand.
Speaker A:All right, that's almost a wrap on today's episode of the anger management podcast.
Speaker A:Today we unpacked a big one that deep down need so many of us have to be right and how that mindset can quickly hurt our relationships.
Speaker A:So let me go over the key points Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:Firstly, as Jake and Sarah discussed, this need to be right is almost hardwired into us.
Speaker A:It is totally normal.
Speaker A:Our brains want to make sense of things and fast.
Speaker A:But in relationships, that constant need to win an argument or prove a point can cost you peace, love, connection and trust.
Speaker A:Secondly, judgmental thinking only fuels fire.
Speaker A:As Sarah said, when you're stuck in I'm right, you're wrong mode, you stop really hearing the other person.
Speaker A:Conversations turn into battles and it gets harder and harder to connect and grow.
Speaker A:Third, the real antidote to judgmental thinking?
Speaker A:Open mindedness.
Speaker A:Instead of locking into your position, try opening up.
Speaker A:As Jake and Sarah said, different doesn't mean wrong.
Speaker A:Everyone sees the world through their own lens, shaped by their past, their values, their experiences.
Speaker A:You don't have to agree with everything, but when you make space for another point of view, something shifts.
Speaker A:You go from reacting to understanding.
Speaker A:And finally, that Buddhist farmer story.
Speaker A:He never rushed to label things as good or bad.
Speaker A:He just said maybe that kind of mindset can be a game changer.
Speaker A:Next time you feel your blood pressure rising, take a step back, breathe and say, maybe there's more to this.
Speaker A:Maybe they could even be right, even just a little bit.
Speaker A:You'll be amazed at how it softens the moment.
Speaker A:If today's episode was helpful for you, I'd love it if you did me a quick favorite.
Speaker A:Simply hit follow on your podcast app and if you've got 30 seconds, leave a quick rating or review.
Speaker A:It helps more than you know.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to go deeper on your anger management journey, head over to my website, angersecrets.com you can watch a free anger management training there or book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to dive in right now, check out angersecrets.com course to learn more about the complete Anger management system.
Speaker A:It's helped thousands of people take control of their anger, and it can help you too.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control how you respond.
Speaker A:Talk soon.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
