It’s Never Too Late To Control Your Anger: Michael’s Story

Is your anger affecting those you love?

Are you letting age or life circumstances hold you back from making changes?

Do you believe that it's too late to learn how to control your anger?

If so, article is for you!

Introduction

Michael is a highly successful 77-year man who, despite his professional achievements, recently discovered he had an anger issue that affected those around him.

Michael is an intelligent, well-spoken, and joyful individual who has enjoyed a mostly happy and fulfilling 56-year marriage. With a PhD in his field and considerable business success, he has led a life many would admire.

But, as you will read, it wasn't until recently that Michael realized his anger was causing harm to those closest to him.

Thankfully, it's never too late to control your anger. After enrolling in my online anger management program, The Complete Anger Management System, Michael made remarkable strides in controlling his anger and improving his relationships with those he loves.

Here's part of my conversation with Michael.

My Conversation With Michael

Alastair: What bought you to my anger course?

Michael: I clearly recognised that I had some anger issues that were affecting my family. And I started by looking on the Internet.  I actually found your podcast and I said, "This makes a lot of sense". And I went to the Anger Secrets website and I looked and I said, "I really want to change the way I am."

Alastair: What did you learn from the course?

Michael: I had always thought, I get a little angry every once in a while, and I put that behind me. But all those around me aren't.  I learned a long time ago not to get angry in a business situation or in a social situation, but I've not afforded my family that same courtesy, if you will. 

I was shocked when you defined anger and abuse and I talked to my wife, I said, "Is that really happening?". She said, "Yeah, I worry about it". Yeah. My daughter's saying, "Yeah, I'm worried about setting you off, and that that affects our relationship".

And it just shocked me when I found that out. And when I got into the course, we talked about awareness and anger. The ETFA model that made a lot of sense. And then beliefs and how beliefs work into that.

It's been a very logical thing and it's driven me to think deeply about where my anger comes from and how it builds within me. And I think at one point I thought, "Well I just step into a minefield and it goes off". But I should know where the minefield is and I should know what the mines are. And it's thoroughly my responsibility.

People aren't making me angry. I am responding to people with anger. And so it's given me promise to be better. It's given me a pathway to be better, and frankly, it's kind of fun. The individual lessons are really good. The video sets the right stage. The worksheets make me do deep thinking.

I'll watch the videos and I'll read the worksheets. I say, I got to shut that off and think about that. And I shut the thing down and I come back maybe watch the video again.

Alastair: So what are the main changes you've made since you started the course?  

Michael: I've got my Anger Diary, and I think I've only gone off twice and one of them I saw coming. Where I really see it is I'm an agronomist and I play golf on a golf course that's not well maintained.

And so I'll be out on the golf course, my anger starts to build and then it affects my game. And so a pretty real demonstration that anger doesn't work. And how I can shut those things down is to focus on what I'm doing, not what I'm thinking. And that's pretty good practice. I'm so aware right now what's going on that I don't have many anger events.

Alastair: So the anger in your marriage, say a bit about what was happening and what's happening now.

Michael: It's really small things. My wife would say, "You didn't put your shoes away. I had to put your shoes away". Or you left the back door open. I'm thinking, "Hold it now, just a second. This morning I got up and I made breakfast and I did the dishes. I put them away. I do a lot of stuff around the house. She doesn't recognize what I do here".

And she nitpicks on this little stuff, and that kind of builds in me, and I've been able to cut that off. I've been able to say, "Hold it, she's right. I didn't put my shoes away. The door is open. I gotta work harder on that".

I've got a list of five or six things that I try not to do or that I try to do better. It's making me a better husband. I'm more open talking to her about things that are bothering me and that's helpful.

Something happened yesterday that kind of surprised me. I was on my iPhone and there was a news article that was of interest to her and I turned up the volume and I said, "You might well look at this" and so she takes the phone from me and walks out of the room.

So she took my phone. And she came back in, set the phone down and it was on another story, the volume was still going. I thought "I don't want to listen that stuff". And I really nudged her aside and grabbed my phone. And that was not a yelling, screaming, anger move. But that was a movement. Okay. That's on my Anger Diary. 

Alastair: How do you think you could have responded differently to that?

Michael: Oh, I should have said, "Hey, let's shut it off and give me the phone". Yeah, I could just said, "Hey, hand me the phone" and it's a shortcut to get it done. I'm a get-it-done type guy. That's maybe why I've been successful. It's not a thing to do around the family.

Alastair: Sounds like you're more aware of the effects of your actions on your wife.

Michael: I am. And when I have an anger outburst, oh my God, I'm immediately embarrassed. I'm immediately apologising. And I'm thinking, "Hon, I'm really sorry I did that". And I think that erases it but it doesn't. And trying to react before the anger strikes is clearly something you got to do.

Alastair: One more question. What would you say to someone else thinking about this course?

Michael: I think it's a worthwhile adventure. You're going to learn something about yourself. You're going to learn how to communicate better. You're going to learn how to live more respectfully with people around you, and you're going to benefit.

Conclusion

Michael's anger was never extreme or violent-instead he had a simmering anger that he was not always aware of. However, this anger was affecting his relationship with his wife and daughter. That was when Michael decided to take action.

One reason I admire Michael is that it is very easy to ignore the signs that anger is affecting your life. It is very easy to have an argument with your partner and think, "It was not that bad" or "It is just a normal disagreement".

What many people do not realise, however, is the long-term damage that even small acts of anger can do. For many couples, these small acts of anger, not the big ones, do the most damage in their relationship.

James, for instance, another man I worked with years ago, told me that every time he and his wife disagreed, he would roll his eyes at her and walk away. He thought it was not a big deal, and even that he was dealing with his anger well.

After working with James for a few weeks, James asked his wife what it was like for her when he did this. His wife said it felt like a physical blow every time he acted this way. When James asked her why, she said that James' actions conveyed to her he didn't care about her, that he thought he was superior to her and that he didn't think she was worth his time or energy.

To some degree, this is also what Michael realised. Michael was shocked when his wife told him the impact his anger had on her and his family. But to his credit, Michael had the courage to confront his anger and get help to change it.

That's why I have chosen to include Michael's story in this article.

If a highly successful 77-year-old man who has been married 56 years has the courage to confront his anger and get help, how about you?

If your anger affects those you love, I strongly encourage you to take a page out of Michael's book and get help. It is never too late to control your anger. Your family, friends, and all those around you will be thankful you did.

Remember: For a free training on how to control your anger, click here.

And finally, remember: You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.