For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever found yourself in an argument before you even realise what triggered it? In this powerful episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores how defensiveness quietly damages relationships, and how you can stop it.
Learn why your instinct to defend yourself often masks deeper fears, and how choosing connection over combat can transform your relationship.
Key Takeaways:
-Defensiveness often stems from the fear that we’re to blame, even when we don’t want to admit it.
-The key to change is awareness: notice your emotional triggers before reacting.
-Taking even partial responsibility can immediately diffuse tension and build trust.
-Empathy transforms conflict: put yourself in your partner’s shoes to respond with care, not combat.
-Honest, calm communication breaks the cycle of blame and opens the door to healing.
-Change won’t happen overnight, but with intention and practice, defensiveness can be replaced by understanding.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
You are standing in your kitchen.
Speaker A:Your partner makes an offhand comment about the dishes.
Speaker A:And in that split second, before your brain even catches up, your body is already in battle mode.
Speaker A:Your voice turns sharp, your heart pounds, and suddenly you're defending yourself again.
Speaker A:You don't want this fight.
Speaker A:You just don't want to feel like the villain in your own home.
Speaker A:But here you are.
Speaker A:The air between you is thick with tension, and the distance between you and your partner is growing wider.
Speaker A:Does this sound familiar?
Speaker A:If so, you're not alone.
Speaker A:Reacting with defensiveness is silently destroying relationships everywhere.
Speaker A:In fact, it's an invisible wall that shoots up the moment most people feel even a hint of criticism or blame.
Speaker A:But here's what most people don't realize.
Speaker A:Your response is not about the dishes.
Speaker A:It's about a deeper fear lurking beneath the surface.
Speaker A:The fear that maybe, just maybe, you really are the problem.
Speaker A:But what if I told you there's another way?
Speaker A:What if instead of building walls, you could build bridges?
Speaker A:Or instead of defending yourself, you could connect with your partner?
Speaker A:Or instead of fighting for your innocence, you could fight for your relationship.
Speaker A:In today's episode, we're diving deep into the psychology of defensiveness.
Speaker A:You'll discover the real reason that defensive wall shoots up so fast.
Speaker A:And more importantly, you'll learn the exact steps to tear it down.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 160 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alastair Dues, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website, angersecrets.com.
Speaker A:there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or you can book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:With that said, let's dive into today's topic.
Speaker A:Why defensiveness is silently destroying your relationship.
Speaker A:Firstly, it's important to understand why people become defensive.
Speaker A:Reacting with defensiveness is usually a response to feeling attacked or criticised.
Speaker A:It's a way of protecting yourself from perceived harm or threat.
Speaker A:And when they become defensive, most people protect themselves by blaming others, making excuses or lashing out.
Speaker A:This can quickly escalate conflict in a relationship and lead to feelings of hurt and damaged trust.
Speaker A:For example, if your partner brings up something that they feel you have done wrong, you may immediately become defensive and say things like, I didn't do anything.
Speaker A:Wrong or it wasn't my fault.
Speaker A:This often leads to an argument and your partner feeling unheard or invalidated.
Speaker A:So how do you break the cycle of defensiveness in your relationships?
Speaker A:As with many things, the first step is awareness.
Speaker A:You cannot change how you respond to anything if you are unaware of how you are feeling.
Speaker A:So if you are becoming defensive, pay attention to your other thoughts or feelings in that moment.
Speaker A:Are you feeling attacked?
Speaker A:Are you making excuses or blaming others?
Speaker A:By becoming aware of these thoughts and feelings, you can catch yourself before you react with defensiveness.
Speaker A:The next step to avoid defensiveness is to take responsibility for your part in the situation.
Speaker A:For example, if your partner criticizes you, instead of immediately defending yourself, ask yourself if there is any truth in your partner's words.
Speaker A:For example, if your partner says you are not helping enough around the house, try to see if there's any truth to this.
Speaker A:And instead of dismissing their words entirely, respond to the parts of what your partner says that you agree with.
Speaker A:For example, you could say, yes, I guess sometimes I'm not so good at helping around the house.
Speaker A:How do you think I could help more?
Speaker A:By agreeing with your partner, at least in part, you show that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions.
Speaker A:This can help defuse the situation and prevent it from escalating into a full blown argument.
Speaker A:Another important aspect of stopping defensiveness is to seek to empathize with your partner.
Speaker A:For example, put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand where they are coming from.
Speaker A:This can help you respond with compassion and understanding rather than defensiveness.
Speaker A:Using the same example, imagine your partner says that you do not help enough around the house.
Speaker A:Instead of taking this as criticism, try to imagine how your partner may be feeling.
Speaker A:Perhaps they are feeling overwhelmed or tired or unappreciated, or a mixture of all three.
Speaker A:By imagining how your partner feels, it helps you respond with empathy.
Speaker A:You could then say things such as, I can see that it's frustrating for you when I don't help out more or I know it's exhausting that you do most of the household tasks, I'll try to do better.
Speaker A:Responding with empathy and understanding will help your partner feel heard, valued and understood.
Speaker A:Finally, communication is key in any relationship.
Speaker A:If you feel like your partner is constantly attacking or criticising you, it's important to address this in a calm and respectful manner.
Speaker A:For example, you could say, I feel like whenever we discuss issues, I become defensive.
Speaker A:I want to change that.
Speaker A:Can we work on finding a better way to communicate with each other?
Speaker A:By addressing the issue directly, you can work together towards healthier, more productive conflict resolution.
Speaker A:However, as with anything, change takes time and practice.
Speaker A:If you are used to responding defensively, this is not likely to change immediately.
Speaker A:But by being aware of your defensive reactions, taking responsibility for your actions, and empathizing with your partner and communicating effectively, you can break the cycle of defensiveness in your relationship and create a calmer, happier and more loving dynamic.
Speaker A:Remember that it takes effort from both partners to improve communication and build a strong relationship.
Speaker A:So don't be afraid to communicate openly and honestly with your partner and always strive to listen to your partner and understand their perspective.
Speaker A:Finally, remember that if you'd like my help with how to avoid becoming defensive in your relationship, I am here for you.
Speaker A:I offer one on one coaching sessions and a powerful online course that will give you the tools and strategies to manage defensive responses and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:You can find more information about these resources on my website, angasecrets.com let's work together to break the cycle of defensiveness in your relationship and create a stronger, happier and more loving relationship.
Speaker A:As always, thanks for listening to today's episode.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:This helps others find the podcast and it might be what someone else needs to address their anger issues today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger once and for all, book a free call with me@angussecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:And last of all, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
