Do you find yourself getting angry easily?
Does your anger get out of control?
Are you ready to learn the keys to managing your anger?
If you answered "Yes!" to any of these questions, then this article is for you!
So, what are the three keys to anger management?
Key #1: Awareness
So, what are the three keys to anger management?
The first key is awareness.
What do I mean by this?
Simply put, to control your anger in any situation, you must first be aware that you are getting angry.
This means being able to recognize when you're feeling angry, and being able to deescalate your anger before you say or do anything you'll regret.
Let's use the following situation as an example.
Imagine you're talking to your partner about something important to you, and they're not listening.
They're looking at their phone, or they're looking around the room, or they're just not engaged in the conversation.
How would you feel at that moment?
Chances are, you would feel angry.
Now imagine that this situation starts to escalate.
Perhaps your partner says something that hurts your feelings or starts to argue with you.
Many people in this situation would lash out in anger.
Perhaps they start yelling or saying hurtful things to their partner. Suddenly, the situation spirals out of control, and it's now a full-blown argument.
How do you avoid this situation?
The key is to be aware of your anger before it escalates.
If you can catch yourself feeling angry early on, you can take steps to prevent the situation from escalating.
In other blogs, I will share with you some simple tools and techniques you can use to do this.
For now, remember that the first key to anger management is awareness.
If you are not aware that you are getting angry in a situation, there is nothing you can do to change how are acting.
However, if you are aware that you are getting angry in a situation, there are many things you can do to change how are acting.
Key #2: Anger Just Does Not Help
The second key to anger management is understanding that anger just does not help.
What does this mean?
Again this is simple.
No matter what situation you are in, or what other people are saying or doing to you, anger will never help you to resolve the situation.
In fact, anger will only make the situation worse.
The realisation that anger just does not help is a powerful realisation for many people I work with.
In fact, after teaching over 10,000 men and women how to control their anger over the last 30 years, no-one has ever come to me and said, "you know what, Alastair, I think my anger helps me in this situation."
It is always the opposite.
People come to me and say things like, "I blew up at my boss, and now I'm in danger of losing my job", or "I got into a screaming match with my partner, and now our relationship is in trouble", or "I got so angry with my child that they are now scared of me".
In every case, the person realises that their anger was not helpful in the situation and that it makes things worse.
Therefore, the second key to anger management is to realise that no matter what situation you are in, responding with anger does not help.
It will never help you achieve your goals, and it will only make things worse.
It does not matter whether your anger is directed towards your partner, your family, your work colleagues, or anyone else in your life-there are always better ways to respond to others-and ways that help both you and the other person get what you both want.
Again, I will share what these ways are in future blogs.
Key #3: You Create Your Anger
The third and final key to anger management is that you create your anger.
This may sound like a strange thing to say, but it's true.
You see, anger is not something that just happens to you. It's not like being hit by a car, or catching a cold-these are things that just happen to you, and you have no control over them.
Anger is different.
Anger is something that you create. It is not something that other people make you feel or something that just happens to you.
I know this can be a challenging statement for many people, so let's look at an example.
Imagine you are driving in traffic, and suddenly, another car cuts in front of you.
For many people, this would lead to them feeling angry.
They may start to feel their heart rate increase, their muscles tense up, and they may even start to shout at the other driver, perhaps honking their horn or gesturing angrily.
Other people, however, in this same situation, would remain calm. They may slow down, let the other driver in and just get on with their day, with hardly a second thought about this situation.
Now, what is the difference between these two groups of people?
Both groups had the same situation happen to them-they were driving in traffic, and another car cut in front of them.
The difference between these two groups is not the event that happened to them, but what these groups of people thought about the situation.
The first group, for instance, who became angry, probably had thoughts such as "What an idiot" or "They have no right to cut me off like that".
The second group, on the other hand, who remained calm probably had thoughts such as "I'm in no hurry, I can afford to be patient today" or or "I'm just going to let them in, it's not worth getting worked up about".
Do you see how the thoughts that these two groups of people had about the event determined whether they got angry or not?
The first group of people thought about the event in a way that made them angry, while the second group thought about it in a way that kept them calm.
In other words:
It is not the events that happen to you that create your anger; it is your thoughts about the events that happen to you that create your anger.
This is a powerful statement, and it can take some time to get your head around it, but it is one of the most important keys of anger management.
When you understand that you create your anger, you have the power to change it.
You can choose how you want to react to the events that happen to you, and you can choose thoughts that will keep you calm instead of thoughts that make you angry.
In future blogs, I will share more about how you can do this.
For now, just remember that you create your anger, and that means you have the power to change it.
OK. Let me summarise the three keys to anger management.
You have learned that the three keys to anger management are:
- Key 1: Awareness
- Key 2: Anger does not help, and
- Key 3: You create your anger.
Finally, how can you get help if you are experiencing anger issues?
Fortunately, I have a simple, short and FREE training on this very topic.
To access this FREE training, click here.
This training will teach you exactly how to control your anger, master your emotions and create a calmer, happier and more respectful relationship, often in 21 days (or less), and without having to attend humiliating anger management programs or exhausting therapy sessions that often just do not work.
Thanks for reading this blog!
Remember: You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.