The Cost of Uncontrolled Anger: Colin’s Story

Are you tired to losing your temper at those that you love?

Do you know you need help for anger, but simply don't know where to start?

Or maybe you understand the devastating consequences of your anger, but can't find the motivation to change?

If any of these sound familiar, this article is for you. In it, I talk with Colin, who learned the hard way just how destructive uncontrolled anger could be.

Colin waited too long to take control of his anger, and it led him to losing everything that was precious to him. Despite this, Colin didn't want his children to experience the same negative environment he grew up in.

He needed to make a change, and he reached out to me.

Introduction

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have helped thousands of men and women control their anger.

While this is tremendously satisfying, one situation always makes me sad. This is when someone waits too long to get help for their anger. As a result, their relationship, career or even sometimes life is ruined.

Colin is one such man. Colin is 38-year old man who has been married to his wife, Tania, for the last ten years. They have five children together.

Colin has known that he has an anger issue for years. Tania has even asked him multiple times to do an anger management course. Colin however, told me that he was too proud to ask for help. As a result, his marriage broke up.

To his credit, Colin enrolled in my online anger management program soon after this. Sadly though, it was too late for him to save his marriage. But to his credit, Colin decided to learn to control his anger anyway, as he didn't want his children to experience the same anger issues that he had.

Colin has permitted me to share part of a recent conversation I had with him. This was the first time Colin and I talked directly. Here's part of our conversation:

My Conversation With Colin

Colin: I am 38 years old. I have five children. I've been in a relationship for almost 10 years. It's dissolved probably about seven months ago. I was asked multiple times through our relationship to do anger management. I was always too proud and didn't realise I needed to do the course. It wasn't until my relationship dissolved and I realised what I lost.

I decided maybe I should give this a go and see what it's about. I wish I'd done years ago. I wish I'd done it like so many years ago. Took me to lose everything, to pull my head out of the sand and to address my issues and where my issues have come from and the damage it's caused.

Alastair: Thank you. So what kind of anger issues did you have? 

Colin: Impulsiveness, irrational thinking, jumping to conclusions, mind reading. Just, yeah, just toxic, impulsive behaviors. 

Alastair: And what sort of effect was this having on your partner? 

Colin: Hurt. Distrust. She couldn't open up to me because she was afraid of my reactions of her being honest. A bit of fear. Yeah. All those bad things really. 

Alastair: So what was it like starting my anger management course?

Colin: Amazing. It was a realisation that everything that I was doing was written on paper, like intergenerational learned behaviors. I was mimicking what I learned as a child, what I saw as normal. I didn't see these as toxic, bad things. This is just how you deal with a situation.

This is how you talk to somebody when you're frustrated. This is the way you act. You slam doors, you raise your voice, you yell threads, you call names. These are all things that I saw as. These are all the things I was doing that were toxic and destructive. 

Alastair: What was it like to realise that? 

Colin: Painful, disappointing, embarrassed, regretful, very difficult feelings. 

Alastair: And now that you've realized you are acting in that way, what are you doing differently?

Colin: Paying attention to the Tension Scale. Knowing when to put my hand up and say, this is a difficult conversation. Can I please have 10 minutes? And I'll go away and I'll go and think. And it's like I used to put my hand up and say, I need time to go have Time-Out and think. 

I never used to use that in a positive way. I used to go and do my Time-Out in a sense, whether it was go to the garage or go to the yard or go to my room or whatever. But I would continue to down spiral on everything and get myself worked up. So when I came back in 10 minutes, I was no better. I wasn't clear headed.

I wasn't thinking professionally. I was mind reading. I was pre-empting what the next conversation would be, and I was pre-loaded with what my response would be to those. So I didn't use that in a positive way. Doing the course has taught me how to do that better and how to use that time better. 

Alastair: And how much do you think you've changed so far as a result of doing the the course? 

Colin: I am now conscious of my words and my actions and their effects. I have slipped up and I have resorted back to my anger and bits and pieces. Sometimes I do catch myself out sometimes, or she'll say to me, "Hey, you're raising your voice". 

And not always, when I raise my voice, I'm angry. It's like sometimes we're having a difficult conversation and there is emotion attached to what words I'm saying or the feelings that are coming up, but I'm saying it.

As soon as she sees that, I'm like: "Ooh, take a breath". And then I start again, re-word it, and just be more clear with my words. 

Alastair: It sounds impressive. Definitely sounds like you've made changes. How fast do you think you've made these changes? 

Colin: I've been doing this course now, I think for about five weeks. I'm a lot more conscious of my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, and the action that comes from those.

When I think about that daily, I was talking to my boy today because he is like mis-behaving in class and stuff and I was like "You need to practice these tools". Like learning to walk or riding a bike, you'll fall off or you'll fall over multiple times before it becomes second nature. And that's how I'm relating this course to me.

Yes, I'm gonna fall off my bike a few times, but if I keep practicing it and just keep focused on it, it will get to a point where it's second nature and I don't have to think about it because this is the way it'll be. It's re-programming. I'm 38 years old, I've been this way, 20-something plus years. 

Alastair: What would you say to someone else who was in your situation like a couple of months ago who's thinking about doing the course? 

Colin: You don't what you got until it's gone. Think about it. Take a breath, walk away, get help. You know, you don't always have to be right if she's saying something. Clearly there is some meaning attached to what she's saying. There's a reason she's saying it. 

Don't be so bold. You don't have to be right on the time. Listen to her. Because she's saying something for a reason.

Alastair: It sounds like you're thinking about things from your partner's perspective a lot more. 

Colin: Yep. A hundred percent.

Alastair: Anything else you'd like to say before we finish?

Colin: I wish I'd done this course years ago before I had kids. My grandfather used to beat my father severely, throw him down the stairs and all these types of things. My father had to sleep in the wardrobe to avoid a beating. I used to get found, and I used to get beaten for that. I used to get beaten. I used to get the bamboo stick.

I used to get PVC pipe. I used to get a whole lot of undesirable things. Now I've got children. I don't beat them, but I'll take away their privileges, their PlayStation, no electronics. Just sit by the gate for five minutes or whatever. You come back, you think about what you've done. So what I'm trying to do is put a stop to that cycle that I was brought up with my father was brought up with, and his father was brought up. So the next generation don't have to go with that. 

They've got tools and better ways of getting their point across or disciplining in a bit more positive way than inflicting pain because you've done something wrong.

Alastair: That's really powerful. Do you think you can become that person who breaks the cycle? 

Colin: I already have. Yeah, I have. Yeah.

Alastair: Nice. I appreciate that. Anything else you'd like to say?

Colin: No, just thank you. Just thank you for making this framework and having it so readily available and making it easy to print off the paperwork and go over it and fill out the questionnaires and the quizzes and watch the videos and you can do it at your own pace.

Alastair: I appreciate that. Yeah. And just one more question, what's it like doing online course? 

Colin: I have erratic hours. I'm a roofer, so like my work is based on the weather. So if it was a class that I had to attend, I couldn't always attend a class, but with the course, if I can't sleep or instead of scrolling through social media, I can log in and I can watch a video, and then I can print off the paperwork and I can fill out the paperwork at my own leisure.

So that is really good because I don't have that strain of having to be somewhere at a certain time and miss a class and fall behind. These are things that I can go back to and watch multiple times. Because you're not always going to make the same mistake. These papers are something you can relate to three or four different ways you've handled a situation wrong.

So that's what I do. You analyse and you realise where you went wrong and then you realize where you could have gone better and then you practice that. 

Alastair: Cool. Anything else you want to talk about tonight?

Colin: No, that was really good. Thank you Alastair. I really appreciate I found your course and I'm still doing your course today. I'm doing it for me and I'm doing it for my kids and to be able to learn this so I can pass on these tools to my kids so they don't go down the same road and have the same outcome I did.

Conclusion

Colin's words are super-powerful. 

Although it is tragic that he waited too long to control his anger, by learning to control his anger, Colin will set a different example to his children. This will help them break the cycle of anger, abuse and violence that Colin, his father and his father's father were all exposed to.

I sincerely hope that if you are struggling with anger, you will not wait until it is too late to get help.

Remember: For a free training on how to control your anger, click here.

And finally, remember: You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.