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Winner's Triangle

In a previous article, I discussed The Drama Triangle.

As you learned in that article, the Drama Triangle is a powerful model that describes the three roles people often take in toxic relationships. These roles are the Persecutor, the Victim or the Rescuer.

The Drama Triangle is a great model to help you identify patterns of behavior in yourself and others that lead to unhealthy relationships and emotional turmoil. But what happens if you recognise you are playing one of the roles in the Drama Triangle?

How can you break out of the Drama Triangle and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships?

The answer is simple: it's time to embrace The Winners Triangle.

How can you break out of the Drama Triangle and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships? The answer is simple: it's time to embrace The Winners Triangle.

What Is The Winner's Triangle?

So, what is the Winners Triangle?

The Winners Triangle is a model developed by psychologist Acey Choy as a healthy alternative to the Drama Triangle. It provides a simple framework for creating positive relationship communication, and is an antidote to the Drama Triangle.

Just like the Drama Triangle, the Winners Triangle consists of three roles. The roles are the Assertive, Vulnerable, and Caring roles.

Let's look at each role in detail, starting with the Assertive role.

The Winners Triangle is a model developed by psychologist Acey Choy as a healthy alternative to the Drama Triangle.

The Assertive Role

woman assertive

People who take the Assertive role:

  • Express their needs, feelings, and desires clearly and directly
  • Set boundaries and maintain them
  • Take responsibility for their actions
  • Respect others' rights and feelings, and
  • Seek solutions rather than blaming or criticizing others.

The Assertive role is the opposite of the Persecutor role in the Drama Triangle. By expressing yourself assertively, you can replace the Persecutor's aggressive behavior with respectful and direct communication.

Next, let's look at the Vulnerable role.

By expressing yourself assertively, you can replace the Persecutor's aggressive behavior with respectful and direct communication.

The Vulnerable Role

vulnerable

People who take up the Vulnerable role:

  • Share their feelings, fears, and insecurities openly
  • Take responsibility for their emotions and experiences
  • Seek support and understanding rather than playing the victim
  • Are open to feedback and growth, and
  • Recognize their power to make choices and change

The Vulnerable role is the opposite of the Victim role in the Drama Triangle. By taking up a vulnerable position instead of playing the victim, you replace the Victim's need for approval by expressing your true feelings, needs, and worries.

Finally, let's look at the Caring role.

By taking up a vulnerable position instead of playing the victim, you replace the Victim's need for approval by expressing your true feelings, needs and worries.

The Caring Role

active listening couple

People who take up the Caring role:

  • Offer support and encouragement
  • Listen actively and empathetically
  • Respect others' autonomy and choices
  • Are available without being overbearing or controlling
  • Emphasize with others without taking the situation over.

The Caring role is the opposite of the Rescuer role in the Drama Triangle. By taking up the caring role instead of rescuing, you replace the Rescuer's need to control and manipulate with a genuine desire to understand and help.

This respects other people's autonomy while still offering them emotional support.

By taking up the caring role instead of rescuing, you replace the Rescuer's need to control and manipulate with a genuine desire to understand and help.

How To Apply The Winner's Triangle

Winner's Triangle

How can you apply the Winners Triangle in your relationship?

To apply the Winners Triangle, you must first recognize when you are slipping into the Drama Triangle roles. Once you've identified this, consciously shift into the corresponding role in the Winners Triangle.

For example, if you notice yourself taking up the Persecutor role by blaming or criticizing your partner, switch to the Assertive role and express your feelings and needs directly. You can do this by clearly expressing your needs, feelings, and desires while respecting your partner's rights and feelings, and not putting your partner down in any way.

Similarly, if you find yourself in the Victim role, remind yourself to be vulnerable and take responsibility for your emotions. Share your feelings, fears, and insecurities openly with your partner, but don't rely on them to solve your problems.

Finally, if you notice yourself taking up the Rescuer role, switch to the Caring role and offer emotional support to your partner without being overbearing or controlling. Listen actively, empathize with their experience, and respect their autonomy and choices.

The Winner's Triangle: An Example

couple talking

Let's look at a simple example of using the Winners Triangle to break free from toxic relationships.

Let's say that you come home after a long day at work. Your partner has forgotten to do the grocery shopping, leaving you with no dinner options.

In the Drama Triangle, you might enter the Persecutor role and blame your partner for not getting the groceries. For example, you may say something like:

"I can't believe you forgot to go grocery shopping! You're so irresponsible! What am I supposed to do for dinner?"

This statement could easily lead to conflict or drama. For example, your partner may take up a Victim or Rescuer role, and an argument could quickly ensue.

Instead of this dynamic, however, you can transform your relationship and break the cycle of toxic behavior by using The Winners Triangle.

Instead of this dynamic, however, you can transform your relationship and break the cycle of toxic behavior by using The Winners Triangle.

In this situation, instead of entering the Persecutor role, you could take up an Assertive role and express your feelings respectfully.

For example, instead of saying:

"I can't believe you forgot to go grocery shopping! You're so irresponsible! What am I supposed to do for dinner?"

you could say:

"I feel frustrated that there's no food in the house for dinner because the grocery shopping wasn't done. Can we discuss how to avoid this situation in the future?"

Being assertive instead of taking up the Persecutor role makes you far more likely to create a constructive dialogue with your partner. This will help you break free from toxic behaviour and create a more respectful and healthy relationship.

Summary

summary

There you have it!

Using the Winners Triangle in your daily encounters will transform your relationship and create calmer, happier and more respectful interactions with everyone around you.

Remember, it takes practice and self-awareness to shift from the Drama Triangle to the Winners Triangle, so be patient with yourself as you adopt these healthier roles.

Using the Winners Triangle in your daily encounters will transform your relationship and create calmer, happier and more respectful interactions with everyone around you.

Remember: For a free training on how to control your anger, click here.

And finally, remember: You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

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