For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Feeling stuck in the same argument over and over with your partner? The real issue might not be the disagreement itself, but how you communicate. This episode dives into the power of active listening, a technique that can break the cycle of frustration and blame in relationships.
Join us as we explore how active listening helps couples truly understand each other’s feelings and perspectives. By learning to ask open questions, summarise thoughts, and provide positive feedback, listeners can transform their conversations and build stronger, more loving connections.
Key Takeaways:
- Active listening can help couples stop repeating the same arguments and misunderstandings.
- The key to resolving conflicts lies in how couples communicate, not just what they argue about.
- Practicing active listening creates emotional connections and prevents defensiveness during discussions.
- Asking open-ended questions invites partners to express their feelings and thoughts more deeply.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
For Alastair’s comprehensive anger management program, The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course.
Transcript
Do you ever feel like you and your partner get stuck in the same argument over and over again, almost like you're living in a bad version of Groundhog Day?
Speaker A:No matter how hard you try to explain yourself, for example, they just don't seem to get it.
Speaker A:And before you know it, you're both frustrated, defensive, and completely missing the point.
Speaker A:But what if I told you that the real problem is isn't what you're arguing about, it's how you're communicating?
Speaker A:And that one simple shift could instantly change the way you and your partner talk, connect, and understand each other.
Speaker A:In today's episode of the Anger Management podcast, I'm going to reveal the secret weapon most couples don't know.
Speaker A:They need.
Speaker A:Active listening.
Speaker A:You'll learn how to stop arguments in their tracks, break the cycle of blame and frustration, and finally create the calm, happy, and loving relationship you've been wanting.
Speaker A:Stick with me, because this episode could be exactly what you and your partner need to create a calmer, happier, and more loving relationship.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 15 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alastair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss the topic of arguments and how to stop them before they even begin.
Speaker A:Arguments can be incredibly destructive in relationships, causing hurt feelings, resentment, and damage to trust.
Speaker A:But with active listening techniques, you and your partner can break the cycle of arguing and and truly understand each other's perspectives.
Speaker A:So what is active listening?
Speaker A:Let's find out.
Speaker A:But before we do, make sure you stick around to the end of today's episode, where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Ever feel like you're stuck in a loop having the same argument over and over again with your partner?
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, it's.
Speaker B:It can get pretty frustrating, right?
Speaker C:For sure.
Speaker B:Well, today we're going to do a deep dive into a technique that can help break those cycles and lead to calmer, more productive conversations.
Speaker C:Sounds good.
Speaker B:And that's the art of active Listening.
Speaker C:Active listening.
Speaker B:You know, we often think we're listening.
Speaker B:Yeah, but are we really?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:Active listening is about way more than just hearing the words.
Speaker B:It's about really engaging with your partner and trying to understand their perspective and the emotions behind what they're saying.
Speaker C:So true.
Speaker B:It makes you think, what's the difference between just, like, hearing someone and actually actively listening?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:I feel like there's gotta be more to it than just, you know, sitting there and not interrupting.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:Active listening.
Speaker C:It involves a real shift in mindset.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Imagine you're holding a mirror up to your partner and reflecting back not just their words, but also their feelings.
Speaker C:It's about creating a space where they feel safe to open up completely, knowing they are truly being heard and understood.
Speaker B:That's a great visual.
Speaker B:I like that.
Speaker B:Okay, I'm starting to get the picture now, but how do we actually do that?
Speaker B:What are the concrete steps to becoming a better active listener?
Speaker C:Well, think of it as developing a set of skills.
Speaker C:And like any skill, it takes practice.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:One of the most important is mastering the art of asking open questions.
Speaker B:Open questions?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, try asking questions that invite your partner to elaborate and explore their thoughts and feelings more deeply.
Speaker B:So instead of saying, are you upset about this?
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker B:You might say, tell me more about what's upsetting you, or, how did that make you feel?
Speaker B:It shifts the focus from just stating facts to really delving into the emotional landscape.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And when you understand your partner's feelings, you're better equipped to respond in a way that is supportive and validating.
Speaker B:So it's not just about getting the information.
Speaker B:It's about understanding the emotions behind it.
Speaker B:Yeah, but sometimes when someone is upset, they might not be so clear or direct with what they're trying to say.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:How do we deal with that?
Speaker C:Well, that's where another key skill comes in.
Speaker C:Summarizing or reflecting back what your partner has said.
Speaker C:It's a powerful way to show them that you're not just hearing their words, but you're also trying to process their meaning and make sure you're both on the same page.
Speaker B:It's like saying, this is what I'm hearing.
Speaker B:You say, did I get it right?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:That seems like it could be really helpful in preventing misunderstandings, especially during those heated moments when it's easy to misinterpret things.
Speaker C:You got it.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:And it also gives your partner a chance to clarify or add more detail, making sure you truly understand their perspective.
Speaker B:So we're really making sure we're on the same page.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:That's great.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:It really can be a game changer.
Speaker B:I bet.
Speaker C:Think about a time when you felt truly heard and understood by someone.
Speaker C:Didn't it make you feel validated and respected, even if they didn't necessarily agree with you?
Speaker B:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker B:It's like a weight lifts off your shoulders when you know someone is really trying to see things from your side.
Speaker B:Yeah, but reflecting back someone's words, especially when they're upset, can feel a little awkward or even inauthentic at times.
Speaker C:That's a great point.
Speaker C:It's important to do it in a way that feels genuine and not like you're just parroting their words.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:The key is to focus on reflecting the underlying emotions and the core message.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Instead of just repeating their exact words, try putting it in your own terms while still capturing the essence of what they're trying to convey.
Speaker B:So instead of saying, you're angry that I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:You could say something like, I hear that you're feeling frustrated and disappointed because you are counting on me.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:That way, you're acknowledging their feelings without judgment and showing them that you're making an effort to understand their perspective.
Speaker B:It's like you're building a bridge of empathy between the two of you.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Now, what about those times when emotions are running high and it's hard to even focus on listening?
Speaker C:Those are the moments when it's even more crucial to practice active listening.
Speaker C:But it can definitely be challenging.
Speaker C:It's important to remember that active listening isn't about agreeing with your partner.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Or giving up your own perspective.
Speaker C:It's about creating a safe space where both of you can express yourselves freely and feel heard.
Speaker B:So how can we stay grounded and focused when our own emotions are starting to get triggered?
Speaker C:One technique that can be helpful is to focus on using minimal encouragers.
Speaker D:Minimal encouragers?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:These are those small verbal cues like mm or I see, or even nonverbal cues like nodding your head or making eye contact.
Speaker B:It's like sending little signals to your partner that say, I'm with you.
Speaker B:Keep going, I'm listening.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:They may seem insignificant, but these small gestures can make a world of difference in keeping the conversation flowing and reassuring your partner that you're engaged.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:They help prevent those awkward silences or interruptions that can derail a conversation.
Speaker B:And they can help us stay present in the moment instead of getting lost in our own thoughts or reactions.
Speaker B:Right, but isn't there a Risk that minimal encouragers can come across as insincere or even patronizing if they're not used authentically.
Speaker C:You're absolutely right.
Speaker C:It's not about just throwing out random mm or nodding your head like a bobblehead.
Speaker C:It's about being truly present and attentive to what your partner's saying and using those cues to show that you're with them every step of the way.
Speaker B:So it's about finding that balance between actively engaging without interrupting or steering the conversation in a particular direction.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker B:It sounds like it's a delicate dance.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:And like any dance, it takes practice to find your rhythm and move gracefully together.
Speaker B:I like that.
Speaker C:But once you start to get the hang of it can truly transform the way you communicate.
Speaker B:So we've covered open questions, summarizing and minimal encouragers.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:What's the fourth key skill of active listening?
Speaker C:It's about giving positive feedback.
Speaker B:Positive feedback during an argument.
Speaker C:Now, this doesn't mean you have to agree with everything your partner says.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:But it's about acknowledging their efforts to communicate effectively.
Speaker B:So you might say something like, I appreciate you sharing this with me, or I'm really glad we're talking about this, even if the conversation is difficult or uncomfortable.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Because when you reinforce those positive communication patterns, you're making it more likely that your partner will feel comfortable opening up again in the future.
Speaker B:It's like you're creating a positive feedback loop where both partners feel encouraged to be more open and honest with each other.
Speaker C:That's it.
Speaker B:But doesn't praising someone during an argument seem a little strange?
Speaker C:It might feel awkward at first.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:But remember, the goal is to shift the dynamic from a battle to a collaborative effort.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:When you acknowledge your partner's efforts to communicate effectively, you're saying, I see you're trying, and I appreciate that.
Speaker C:It can really help to de escalate tension and create a more supportive atmosphere.
Speaker B:It's like you're shifting the focus from who's right or wrong to.
Speaker B:To how you can work together to understand each other better.
Speaker C:That's a great way to put it.
Speaker C:It's about moving from a me versus you mentality to a we're in this together approach.
Speaker B:I love that.
Speaker B:Now that we've covered all four skills of active listening, it's clear that this is about so much more than just preventing arguments.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:It's really about building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Speaker C:He said it.
Speaker C:When you practice active listening, you're sending a powerful message to your partner, which is you are important to Me, Your feelings matter, and I want to understand you.
Speaker B:And that feeling of being understood is fundamental to a healthy and happy relationship.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker B:It's a foundation for trust, intimacy, and genuine connection.
Speaker C:It creates a safe haven where both partners can feel seen, heard, and valued.
Speaker C:And from that place of mutual respect and understanding, it becomes easier to navigate the inevitable challenges that life throws your way.
Speaker B:So active listening isn't just a communication skill.
Speaker B:It's a relationship superpower.
Speaker C:I love that.
Speaker C:It really is a superpower that can help you create more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.
Speaker B:Look, just like any superpower, it takes practice to master.
Speaker B:It's not something that happens overnight.
Speaker B:But with conscious effort and dedication, it can become a natural part of your communication style.
Speaker C:And the rewards are well worth the effort, for sure.
Speaker C:Think about it this way.
Speaker C:Even if you only improve your active listening skills by 10%, imagine the positive impact that could have on your relationships.
Speaker B:That's a great point.
Speaker B:Small changes can lead to big results.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:So what are some practical tips for incorporating active listening into our daily lives?
Speaker C:Well, one of the most important things is to be mindful of your listening habits.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Pay attention to how you typically respond when your partner is talking.
Speaker C:Are you truly present or are you distracted by your phone, your thoughts, or your to do list?
Speaker B:It's so easy to fall into those autopilot listening patterns where we're not really engaging fully.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker B:So how can we break free from those habits?
Speaker C:One simple but powerful technique is to make a conscious effort to put your phone away and turn off any other distractions when you're having a conversation with your partner.
Speaker B:Like, literally put the phone in another room.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's like sending a signal to your partner and to yourself that this conversation is important and deserves your undivided attention.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And once you've created that space for focused listening, remember the four key skills we've discussed.
Speaker C:Open questions, summarizing, minimal encouragers, and positive feedback.
Speaker C:Don't try to master them all at once.
Speaker C:Just pick one and focus on incorporating it into your conversations.
Speaker C:This week.
Speaker B:It's like learning a new dance move.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:You don't try to learn the entire routine at once.
Speaker B:You start with one step and build from there.
Speaker C:That's a great analogy.
Speaker C:And just like with any new skill, don't be discouraged if you stumble or make mistakes along the way.
Speaker C:Of course, the key is to keep practicing and to be patient with yourself.
Speaker B:It's a journey, not a destination.
Speaker B:And every step you take towards becoming a better listener brings you closer to creating more fulfilling and Connected Relationships Beautifully said.
Speaker C:Active listening is truly an art form and like any art, it takes time, patience and dedication to develop your skills.
Speaker B:But the masterpiece you create, a relationship built on understanding, empathy and genuine connection will be worth every ounce of effort you put in.
Speaker B:And you know, if you're looking for more in depth guidance and practical tools to enhance your communication and build stronger relationships, I highly Recommend checking out angersecrets.com that's right.
Speaker C:It's a treasure trove of resources, articles, exercises and even a complete anger management system that can help you navigate conflicts with more grace and understanding.
Speaker B:So if you're ready to transform your relationships and create more peace and harmony in your life, head over to angersecrets.com and and start exploring.
Speaker C:It's a great resource.
Speaker B:It's an investment in yourself, your relationships and your overall well being.
Speaker B:And on that note, I want to leave our listeners with one final thought.
Speaker C:Okay, what's that?
Speaker B:Remember that active listening is a journey, not a destination.
Speaker C:So true.
Speaker B:There will be times when you nail it and times when you fall short.
Speaker B:Yeah, but the key is to keep practicing, keep striving to be better listeners, and to remember that even small steps can make a world of difference.
Speaker C:Beautifully said.
Speaker B:So go out there and start listening with your whole heart.
Speaker B:You might be surprised by the incredible.
Speaker C:Connections you create and the positive ripple effects that spread far beyond your wildest dreams.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks for listening to today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into the power of active listening both insightful and practical.
Speaker A:Before we finish, let's summarise some key tips from Jake and Sarah's discussion.
Speaker A:Active listening can transform your relationship.
Speaker A:If you and your partner keep having the same arguments without resolution, the problem might not be what you're saying, it's how you're listening.
Speaker A:Active listening shifts the focus from reacting to truly understanding your partner's words, emotions and perspective.
Speaker A:When practiced correctly, it stops defensiveness, reduces conflict, and builds emotional connection.
Speaker A:Minimal Encourages Keep conversations open and safe.
Speaker A:As Jake and Sarah said, small verbal and non verbal cues like saying mmhmm, I see nodding or maintaining eye contact send a powerful message that says I'm listening and eye care.
Speaker A:These minimal encouragers keep conversations flowing, prevent interruptions, and reassure your partner that their words matter.
Speaker A:Tip 3 Asking the right questions helps you understand, not assume.
Speaker A:Most people don't really listen.
Speaker A:They just wait for their turn to talk.
Speaker A:Instead of assuming, ask open ended questions to truly understand your partner's feelings.
Speaker A:Questions like can you tell me more about that?
Speaker A:Or how did that make you feel?
Speaker A:Show curiosity, prevent miscommunication, and create a space where your partner feels heard.
Speaker A:Summarising.
Speaker A:When you repeat back what your partner has said in your own words, it shows them you're genuinely listening.
Speaker A:A simple phrase like so what you're saying is or it sounds like you feel eliminates confusion, reduces frustration, and reassures your partner that you truly understand their point of view.
Speaker A:Positive Feedback finally, as Jake and Sarah also said, most people focus on what's wrong in conversations, but recognizing what's right makes all the difference.
Speaker A:Saying things like I appreciate you opening up to me, or I admire how you're handling this makes your partner feel valued, respected, and more willing to engage in open and honest discussions.
Speaker A:As I hope you understand by now, active listening isn't just a communication tool, it's the foundation of a healthy, connected relationship.
Speaker A:If you want fewer arguments, deeper conversations, and a stronger bond with your partner, start practicing these skills today.
Speaker A:Even one small change in how you listen can make a massive difference.
Speaker A:Okay, I hope you found this episode helpful.
Speaker A:If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people find the show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angussecrets.com court to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker D:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
