For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever won an argument, only to walk away feeling tense, disconnected and strangely empty?
In this insightful episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger management expert Alastair Duhs explores one surprisingly common habit that quietly destroys relationships: the need to be right.
Joined by AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, this deep-dive conversation reveals how the urge to win arguments fuels anger, escalates conflict and slowly erodes trust and emotional safety, even in otherwise loving relationships.
Through real-world examples and practical strategies, this episode shows why being “right” often comes at a far higher cost than we realise.
Rather than focusing on blame or suppression, the discussion highlights a powerful alternative: choosing understanding over ego and calm over correctness.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in repeating arguments, defensive reactions or lingering resentment, this episode offers simple, practical shifts that can dramatically change how your conversations, and relationships, feel.
Key Takeaways:
- The need to be right is one of the biggest hidden drivers of anger and relationship breakdown.
- Winning an argument often makes the other person feel wrong. And that feeling damages trust.
- Many arguments shift from problem-solving to ego defence without us realising it.
- Catching the moment you start defending your ego is a crucial early warning sign.
- Letting go of being right doesn’t mean giving up your values — it means choosing understanding.
- Asking curious, open-ended questions lowers defensiveness and improves communication.
- Prioritising calm over correctness reduces stress and creates safer, healthier relationships.
Links referenced in this episode:
- angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
- angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking the Anger Cycle
- angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever won an argument only to walk away feeling strangely empty?
Speaker A:Maybe you proved your point.
Speaker A:Maybe even you were right.
Speaker A:And yet the evening was ruined.
Speaker A:The tension lingered, and the connection with your partner that you actually want quietly slipped further away.
Speaker A:If you can relate to this, you're not alone.
Speaker A:Many people find themselves in similar situations where the desire to win an argument ends up damaging their relationships.
Speaker A:This is because there is one simple habit that quietly destroys relationships.
Speaker A:And unless you are able to change, runs the risk of eroding the peace, trust, and even love in your relationship.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 65 of.
Speaker A:Of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Duse, and over the last 30 years, I've taught more than 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my three decades of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share some of the most effective tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to take a deep dive into this one simple habit that has the power to destroy any relationship unless you are able to change it.
Speaker A:Now, make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, where I'll summarise their conversation and show you how to start controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started with today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever finished an argument and one about something totally trivial?
Speaker C:Oh, yeah, like the correct way to load the dishwasher.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Or who is supposed to take out the recycling.
Speaker B:And you argue, you make your case, and you.
Speaker B:You win.
Speaker B:You were factually right, but then you walk away with this just hollow feeling, right?
Speaker C:You proved your point, but you kind of ruined the entire evening.
Speaker B:You lost the peace, right?
Speaker B:And if that cycle sounds familiar, that relentless, exhausting need to be right, then you are definitely in the right place.
Speaker C:And that need to be right, I mean, it's one of the biggest hidden costs in our lives.
Speaker C:It's not just some annoying habit.
Speaker C:It's a core driver that fuels anger, it escalates stress, and it can really, really damage our relationships.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:Our mission in this deep dive is pretty straightforward.
Speaker B:We're looking at the work of an expert who has helped thousands of people get a handle on their emotions.
Speaker B:And it all boils down to one single, powerful act.
Speaker B:Letting go of the need to be right.
Speaker C:It sounds so simple, but it is revolutionary.
Speaker C:So the core question we're asking you to think about with us.
Speaker C:Is.
Speaker C:Is being right actually worth the emotional chaos it causes?
Speaker B:Lets start with a really high stakes example.
Speaker B:This one shows just how dangerous it can be to justify our anger with that shield of I was right.
Speaker C:Okay, so this is the story of a truck driver, a professional truck driver who is really struggling with intense road rage.
Speaker B:And his reasoning from his point of view made perfect sense.
Speaker B:I mean, he's in this massive vehicle.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Huge rig and smaller cars are constantly cutting him off, forcing him to just slide slam on the brakes to avoid.
Speaker C:A collision, which is obviously incredibly dangerous from anyone's perspective.
Speaker C:He felt his anger was justified because, you know, these other drivers were being reckless.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:That sense of injustice.
Speaker B:They are wrong.
Speaker B:I am right.
Speaker B:It gave him permission to retaliate so he'd start shouting, laying on the horn, tailgating them.
Speaker C:He was trying to teach them a lesson to prove to them how wrong they were.
Speaker B:And this is such a common cycle, isn't it?
Speaker B:We point to what someone else did wrong to justify our own angry reaction.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:But here's where the story takes a turn.
Speaker C:The truck driver asked the expert if he ever got angry.
Speaker C:And the specialist said rarely, if ever.
Speaker B:And the reason he gave wasn't some complicated breathing technique.
Speaker B:It was a philosophy.
Speaker B:He just said, it has never been important for me to be right about things.
Speaker C:And that one sentence is really the key.
Speaker C:It's the first step.
Speaker C:But it makes you ask, why?
Speaker C:How is that even possible?
Speaker C:He explained that when he was a kid, he was very bright.
Speaker C:You know, one of those kids who always knew the answer, the one with.
Speaker B:Their hand, always up in class, always.
Speaker C:But he quickly learned that constantly proving he was correct came with a price.
Speaker C:He was picked on, you know, called a nerd, a geek.
Speaker B:So the very act of proving something he already knew to be true, it actually brought on negative consequences for him.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:He realized that simply knowing he was right was enough.
Speaker C:He didn't need the external validation.
Speaker C:He didn't need the other person to surrender and say, you win.
Speaker B:That's a huge shift.
Speaker B:Decoupling your own conviction from the need for someone else to agree with you.
Speaker C:It's crucial.
Speaker C:The moment you do that, you take the fuel out of the fire.
Speaker C:Your ego is satisfied internally.
Speaker C:So it stops demanding that the rest of the world bend to your point of view.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes total sense in say, a debate or a classroom.
Speaker B:But what about in our closest relationships?
Speaker B:If I just stop asserting what I believe is right, don't I risk becoming a doormat?
Speaker B:Where's the line.
Speaker C:That's the critical question.
Speaker C:This isn't about being passive.
Speaker C:It's about understanding the dynamic.
Speaker C:When you focus on proving you're right, you're actually doing two things at once.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:You're also simultaneously trying to make your partner, or whoever you care about unequivocally wrong.
Speaker B:And nobody likes to be made to feel wrong.
Speaker B:That feeling is the relationship killer.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:It's a zero sum game.
Speaker C:Think about it.
Speaker C:How awful does it feel when someone you love makes you feel small or stupid?
Speaker B:Terrible.
Speaker B:It's the worst.
Speaker C:When we prioritize being right, we are actively inflicting that feeling on the people we supposedly care about most.
Speaker B:And you see this constantly with couples in conflict.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They come in to talk, and within minutes they're arguing over tiny details every time.
Speaker C:And the reason is simple.
Speaker C:Both of them walked in wanting to prove they were right.
Speaker C:And that desire just.
Speaker C:It completely shuts down their ability to listen to each other.
Speaker B:They stop trying to understand and start what?
Speaker B:Gathering evidence for their case?
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:It becomes all about ego defense.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker C:And you cannot connect with your partner if you're busy defending your ego.
Speaker C:It's impossible.
Speaker B:So that's the moment.
Speaker B:The moment you feel the conversation shift from the topic to defending your ego, that's the alarm bell.
Speaker C:That's the moment you need a plan.
Speaker B:Okay, so if we're supposed to stop trying to be right, what do we do instead?
Speaker B:What's the actionable step?
Speaker B:When you feel that anger rising, the.
Speaker C:Plan has to be pre decided and immediate.
Speaker C:The second you notice that urge, that need to prove your point, you must stop arguing.
Speaker B:Just stop talking.
Speaker C:Stop arguing your point, you need to hit a mental pause button.
Speaker C:The problem isn't what you believe.
Speaker C:It's your focus on making them admit it.
Speaker B:C. Pause.
Speaker B:And then what?
Speaker B:Instead of pushing your point, you.
Speaker C:You pivot.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:You switch your entire focus to trying to understand their perspective.
Speaker B:That's hard to do in the heat of the moment.
Speaker C:It is, but it's possible if you operate from a core belief that there are always valid aspects to how another person thinks or feels, even if it's completely different from your view.
Speaker B:So I don't have to agree with their conclusion, but I do have to accept that there's a valid reason they arrived at it.
Speaker B:It forces empathy.
Speaker C:It does.
Speaker C:Instead of arguing for your side, you start asking questions to understand their side.
Speaker C:Something like, okay, so if I'm hearing you right, you feel this way because of X.
Speaker B:You're changing the game from who is right to why do we both feel this way.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It stops being a confrontation and starts being a collaborative effort to understand this doesn't just lower the anger, it actually improves the communication, it transforms it.
Speaker C:And in almost every situation, understanding why they're saying something is way more beneficial than just hammering on why you think you're correct.
Speaker B:So let's bring this back to the truck driver.
Speaker B:He implements this idea.
Speaker B:He decides to prioritize calm over being correct.
Speaker B:What actually happened.
Speaker C:The results were immediate and dramatic.
Speaker C:The next week he came back and said that when a car cut him off, he just stopped trying to prove they were wrong.
Speaker B:So no more horn, no more tailgating, none of it.
Speaker C:Instead, he just backed off.
Speaker C:He created more space between his truck and the car.
Speaker B:He traded his ego for safety, his.
Speaker C:Safety and everyone else's.
Speaker C:And here's the amazing part.
Speaker C:He didn't just feel safer, he told the expert, he felt calmer, more relaxed.
Speaker C:That constant simmering anger he carried all day, it just started to dissolve.
Speaker C:And he had this huge realization.
Speaker C:He saw that his need to be right about the rules of the road was putting him one tiny mistake away from, from a catastrophic, maybe even fatal accident.
Speaker B:The satisfaction of winning the argument was literally risking his life.
Speaker C:It's the ultimate cost benefit analysis, isn't it?
Speaker C:That fleeting little ego boost you get from winning.
Speaker C:Is it worth the constant frustration, the broken relationships, and maybe even serious danger?
Speaker B:When you put it like that, the answer is obviously no.
Speaker C:And the long term benefit of letting go is so much greater.
Speaker C:You build happier, calmer, and more respectful relationships.
Speaker C:You become someone people actually want to be around because they know they don't have to constantly be on on guard.
Speaker B:So the takeaway for anyone listening is if you find yourself in that loop, always trying to be right, just stop for a second and ask yourself why?
Speaker C:Is it really about the facts?
Speaker C:Or is it about needing that external validation?
Speaker C:Choose understanding instead.
Speaker B:We know change is hard, but learning to control anger really is a skill.
Speaker B:It's something anyone can master.
Speaker C:It absolutely is.
Speaker C:Doesn't matter how long this has been a pattern for you, you can break the cycle.
Speaker B:So if this is hitting home for you and you're ready to start applying these skills, we really encourage you to check out the expert's main resource.
Speaker C:You can visit angersecrets.com that's where this whole philosophy is laid out in detail.
Speaker C:You can schedule a free 30 minute anger consultation call or download a free training guide on how to break the anger cycle for good.
Speaker B:It's a real commitment to yourself to making sure that the need to be right doesn't destroy another part of your life or hurt the people you love.
Speaker C:And maybe a final thought to leave you with.
Speaker C:You can't control other people, but you can always control yourself.
Speaker B:That's the ultimate choice we face every day.
Speaker B:Thanks for joining us for this deep dive.
Speaker B:Be sure to follow the show and we'll see you next time.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into the one habit that quietly destroys relationships, happiness helpful and thought provoking before we wrap up, let's take a moment to go over a few of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:Because although these are simple shifts, they can make a huge difference in your everyday life.
Speaker A:First, Jake and Sarah talked about the hidden cost of always needing to be right.
Speaker A:On the surface, this can feel harmless, even justified.
Speaker A:But as Jake and Sarah pointed out, every time you focus on proving your point, someone else is made to feel wrong.
Speaker A:And when that happens in close relationships, trust and connection slowly erode.
Speaker A:Winning an argument might feel good for a moment, but over time it often costs you the peace and closeness you actually want.
Speaker A:Second, Jake and Sarah highlighted the role ego plays in fueling anger.
Speaker A:Many arguments stop being about the issue itself and turn into a battle to protect your sense of self.
Speaker A:The moment you notice that shift from solving a problem to defending your ego, that's your early warning sign.
Speaker A:Catching it early gives you the chance to pause before anger takes over.
Speaker A:Third, Jake and Sarah explored a practical alternative to choosing understanding instead of trying to be right.
Speaker A:Letting go of the need to be right doesn't mean you agree with your partner or give up your values.
Speaker A:It means you're willing to understand why your partner sees things the way they do.
Speaker A:Asking questions, listening carefully, and acknowledging their perspective can completely change the emotional tone of a conversation, especially in the heat of the moment.
Speaker A:And finally, Jake and Sarah shared how powerful this shift can be in real life.
Speaker A:Whether it's on the road, at home, or at work.
Speaker A:Choosing calm over correctness reduces stress, lowers anger, and creates safer, healthier relationships.
Speaker A:Over time, people around you feel less defensive and you feel more at ease within yourself.
Speaker A:Now remember too, that real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:Real change happens when you start practicing these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it, and see what shifts.
Speaker A:And if you'd like, help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angasecrets.com on this site you can access my free training, Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call to talk with me about your situation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete Anger management System, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.
Speaker A:It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lies.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
