For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares three concrete steps for communicating more effectively with your partner, especially when things get heated. Whether you’re the one who shuts down in an argument or the one who keeps pushing to be heard, the problem is rarely what’s being said. It’s how people are listening, and how they express themselves when the stakes feel high.
Rather than offering vague advice about being a better communicator, Alastair walks through three practical tools you can use in your next difficult conversation. These are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.
Key Takeaways:
- Most people think they’re good listeners. Most people are wrong. In a tense conversation, the majority are just waiting for their turn to talk. Your partner can feel the difference.
- Active listening means being fully present. Not fixing, not advising, not preparing your response. Your only job is to understand what your partner is actually saying and feeling.
- Asking questions like “How did you feel about that?” or “Can you tell me more?” shifts a conversation from confrontational to collaborative. When people feel heard, the defensiveness drops.
- The DESC model gives you a four-part structure for expressing yourself without aggression: Describe the situation, Explain your feelings, Suggest what you’d like and give the positive Consequences of that solution.
- How you say something matters as much as what you say. The same concern delivered differently can either start a fight or start a real conversation.
- Effective negotiation means both people feel heard before any solution is proposed. A solution you’ve both shaped together is one you’ll both actually follow through on.
Resources & Next Steps:
If you’d like support communicating more effectively and building calmer, more loving relationships:
- Visit AngerSecrets.com
- Book a free 30-minute phone call
- Access the free training on “Breaking The Anger Cycle”
Transcript
You're in an argument and you're trying, genuinely trying to get your point across.
Speaker A:But somehow the more you talk, the worse it gets.
Speaker A:Your partner shuts down or escalates or gives up and walks away and you're left thinking, why can't we just communicate?
Speaker A:Here's what I've found.
Speaker A:After working with thousands of couples, the problem usually isn't what's being said, it's how people are or are listening and how they express themselves when things get heated.
Speaker A:Today, I'm giving you three concrete steps to change that.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dwes, and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:With that said, let's talk about three steps to communicate effectively with your partner.
Speaker A:Let me start with something that might be uncomfortable to hear.
Speaker A:Most people think they're pretty good listeners.
Speaker A:And most people are wrong.
Speaker A:In a typical conversation, especially a tense one, the majority of people are not really listening.
Speaker A:They're waiting for their turn to talk.
Speaker A:They're preparing their defence.
Speaker A:They're thinking about the point they want to make next.
Speaker A:That's not listening, that's just taking turns speaking.
Speaker A:And your partner can feel it.
Speaker A:When someone doesn't feel truly heard, they stop opening up over time, they stop trying altogether.
Speaker A:That's how couples end up living in the same house and feeling completely alone.
Speaker A:So let's fix that.
Speaker A:Three steps.
Speaker A:Step one is to become an active listener.
Speaker A:Active listening is without question the single most powerful thing you can do right now to transform how you communicate with your partner, almost regardless of what else is going on between you.
Speaker A:So what does it actually mean?
Speaker A:Active listening means being fully present in the conversation, not half listening while you check your phone, not nodding along while you're mentally rehearsing your response, but being genuinely present, paying attention to the words your partner uses their body language and the feelings underneath what they're saying.
Speaker A:In practice, that looks, maintaining eye contact, using open body language, asking clarifying questions and reflecting back what you've heard.
Speaker A:But here's the most important part.
Speaker A:And I say this because I say it to clients all the time.
Speaker A:When you're actively listening, your job is not to fix anything.
Speaker A:It's not to give advice.
Speaker A:It's not to solve the problem.
Speaker A:It's simply to understand.
Speaker A:If your partner is talking and you're already thinking about how to respond, you're not listening.
Speaker A:One of the most powerful tools I use in my private sessions is simply to encourage people to ask questions.
Speaker A:Not to challenge, not to defend.
Speaker A:Just to go deeper.
Speaker A:Questions like how did you feel about that?
Speaker A:Can you tell me more?
Speaker A:How did you come to that conclusion?
Speaker A:These questions do something remarkable.
Speaker A:They shift the entire conversation from confrontational to collaborative.
Speaker A:Your partner feels heard, and when people feel heard, they soften.
Speaker A:The defensiveness drops.
Speaker A:Real communication becomes possible.
Speaker A:Step two is to express yourself clearly and non aggressively.
Speaker A:Once you've truly listened to your partner, it's your turn to talk.
Speaker A:And how you express yourself matters enormously.
Speaker A:This means being mindful of your words, your tone of voice, your volume and your body language.
Speaker A:It means avoiding anything that could be perceived as threatening, humiliating or dismissive, even if that's not your intention.
Speaker A:A tool I use with clients for this is called the DESC model.
Speaker A:It was developed in the:Speaker A:It works like d Describe the situation you want to talk about.
Speaker A:Just the facts, no interpretation.
Speaker A:Yet explain your feelings about it, how it affected you.
Speaker A:Use I statements I felt rather than made me feel.
Speaker A:Suggest what you'd like to happen.
Speaker A:What would a good outcome look like for you?
Speaker A:Give the positive consequences of that solution.
Speaker A:What gets better for both of you if you can make this work, let me show you how that plays out in real life.
Speaker A:Instead of saying, you never tell me anything.
Speaker A:I always have to find out from someone else what's going on with you.
Speaker A:When I don't hear about what's happening in your day, I feel disconnected from you.
Speaker A:I'd love it if we could set aside even 10 minutes in the evening just to check in.
Speaker A:I think it would help us feel much closer.
Speaker A:Same concern, completely different delivery.
Speaker A:One starts a fight, the other starts a conversation.
Speaker A:It takes practice, but the more you use it, the more natural it becomes.
Speaker A:Next step three is to negotiate difficult issues effectively.
Speaker A:Every relationship has friction.
Speaker A:There will always be moments where you and your partner see things differently, want different things, or have genuinely conflicting needs.
Speaker A:That's not a sign that something is wrong, it's just reality.
Speaker A:What matters is how you handle those moments.
Speaker A:Effective negotiation starts with listening.
Speaker A:And I mean really listening, without interrupting and without judgment.
Speaker A:Let your partner fully explain their perspective before you say a word, then use the DESC model to express yours.
Speaker A:Once you've both been heard, the next step is to brainstorm solutions together.
Speaker A:Not one of you dictating terms.
Speaker A:Both of you what could work for us both?
Speaker A:Come up with as many options as you can, then choose the one that feels most workable right now.
Speaker A:It might not be perfect for either of you.
Speaker A:That's what compromise looks like.
Speaker A:But a solution you've both shaped together is one you'll both actually follow through on.
Speaker A:A client I worked with recently told me that just using this listen first, then express, then problem solve together had completely changed how he and his partner handled disagreements.
Speaker A:Not because they stopped disagreeing, but because disagreements stopped feeling like battles.
Speaker A:Now let's bring this all together.
Speaker A:The three steps to effective communication Step 1 Be an active listener.
Speaker A:Ask questions.
Speaker A:Be curious.
Speaker A:Make your partner feel heard.
Speaker A:Step 2 Express yourself clearly and non aggressively.
Speaker A:Use the DESC model.
Speaker A:Describe, explain, suggest, give positive consequences.
Speaker A:Step 3 Negotiate difficult issues effectively.
Speaker A:Listen fully, express clearly, then build a solution together.
Speaker A:These are skills, which means they take practice, but every conversation is an opportunity to get a little better, and the relationship you build through that practice is genuinely worth it.
Speaker A:Now, if you'd like to go deeper with this, visit angasecrets.com you can enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, or book a free 30 minute call with me directly.
Speaker A:And if this episode was useful, I'd love it if you followed the show on your favourite podcast app and left a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:It just takes two minutes, but it genuinely helps other people find help with anger when they need it most.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening and I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
