For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Most people with an anger problem don’t think they have one. They’ve never been violent. They don’t see themselves as angry people. But if your partner is walking on eggshells, your kids are pulling away or the same arguments keep happening over and over, anger may be affecting your relationships more than you realize.
In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs answers five of the most common questions about anger management. What is anger, really? Why does it keep happening? Is anger always a bad thing? How do you know when it has become a genuine problem? And most importantly, what can you do about it?
You’ll learn why anger is an emotion rather than a behavior, how your thoughts influence your emotional reactions, and why many people mistakenly believe their anger is caused by other people.
Alastair also explains why anger doesn’t need to be explosive to cause damage. Sometimes the biggest warning signs are subtle: a spouse becoming quieter, children sharing less, unresolved arguments and a growing sense of distance at home.
If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re overreacting, minimizing the problem or simply “getting frustrated sometimes,” this episode will help you take an honest look at the impact anger may be having on your marriage and family.
You’ll also learn practical first steps for changing the pattern, including recognizing early warning signs, challenging anger-producing thoughts and learning to listen with understanding instead of defensiveness.
Anger Secrets is the podcast for men and women who want lasting anger management solutions and healthier relationships. Hosted by Alastair Duhs, creator of The Complete Anger Management System, each episode explores anger control, emotional regulation, communication skills, and practical strategies for building calmer, happier and more connected lives.
Your Next Step:
Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
Access the free training on “Breaking The Anger Cycle”
Book a free 30-minute anger assessment call
Transcript
Tom had never hit anyone, never thrown anything.
Speaker A:By most people's standards, he was a calm guy, but his wife had started going quiet around him, his teenage son had stopped telling him things, and he'd begun to notice that the people he loved most seemed to be walking on eggshells.
Speaker A:When he came to me, he said, I don't think I have an anger problem.
Speaker A:I just get frustrated sometimes.
Speaker A:The truth is, anger doesn't have to look dramatic to be doing real damage.
Speaker A:It doesn't have to be explosive to be eroding the trust in your marriage or the relationship with your kids.
Speaker A:Today, I want to help you take an honest look at whether anger is quietly causing problems in your life and what you can do about it if it is.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alistair Dwes and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my personal help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle for good.
Speaker A:Today I'm going to answer five of the most common questions I get asked about what it actually is, why it happens, whether it's always a bad thing, how to know if it's a real problem for you and what to do about it.
Speaker A:Let's get into it.
Speaker A:The first question is the most basic one and it's worth getting right.
Speaker A:What actually is anger?
Speaker A:The definition I come back to again and again is anger is a strong and uncomfortable feeling that arises in response to a perceived hurt, injustice or wrongdoing.
Speaker A:And it's an emotion, not an action.
Speaker A:That distinction matters enormously.
Speaker A:I once worked with a man, lets call him Paul.
Speaker A:He came to me because he knew his anger was damaging his marriage and frightening his kids.
Speaker A:He was a good man who hated what he was doing.
Speaker A:But in his mind, his anger and his behaviour were the same thing.
Speaker A:He thought, I'm an angry person, therefore I yell and swear and say things I don't mean.
Speaker A:That's just who I am.
Speaker A:The moment Paul understood that anger is just a feeling and that what he did with that feeling was a choice, something shifted.
Speaker A:He realised he wasn't broken, he wasn't a bad person.
Speaker A:He just hadn't yet learned how to respond to his anger differently.
Speaker A:That one insight was the beginning of everything changing for him.
Speaker A:So if you're sitting with some shame about your Anger right now, hear the feeling, isn't the problem.
Speaker A:It's what happens next that we need to look at.
Speaker A:The second question is one I get asked all the why do I keep getting angry?
Speaker A:Here's the thing.
Speaker A:Most people don't.
Speaker A:Your anger isn't caused by what happens to you.
Speaker A:It's caused by what you think about what happens to you.
Speaker A:I know that can sound like a stretch, so let me give you an example.
Speaker A:Imagine you're driving and someone cuts you off.
Speaker A:Most people's immediate thought is something like, what an idiot.
Speaker A:How dare they.
Speaker A:And that thought creates the anger.
Speaker A:Your heart rate spikes, your jaw tightens, and suddenly you're honking and muttering to yourself for the next five minutes.
Speaker A:Now run.
Speaker A:The same moment again.
Speaker A:Same car, same driver, but this time, your thought, ah, they probably didn't see me.
Speaker A:Everyone has an off day.
Speaker A:Suddenly, there's no anger.
Speaker A:You just ease off and move on.
Speaker A:Same situation, completely different response.
Speaker A:The only thing that changed was the thought.
Speaker A:I had a client, a man who came to me with severe road rage, who found this idea genuinely hard to accept.
Speaker A:At first, he was convinced other drivers were intentionally winding him up.
Speaker A:But once he started questioning that assumption, once he started thinking, maybe they're just in a rush, maybe they made a mistake, his anger on the road dropped dramatically.
Speaker A:And the same skill started showing up at home, too.
Speaker A:With his wife, with his kids.
Speaker A:Your thoughts create your anger, which means changing your thoughts changes everything.
Speaker A:Is anger always a bad thing?
Speaker A:The honest answer is no, not always.
Speaker A:Anger in the right circumstances can be useful.
Speaker A:It can tell you something is genuinely wrong.
Speaker A:It can give you the energy to stand up for yourself or someone you love.
Speaker A:It can be a signal worth listening to.
Speaker A:I once worked with a man who felt his ideas were constantly being dismissed at work.
Speaker A:His anger was actually pointing at something real.
Speaker A:He wasn't being heard, and he had a legitimate case to make.
Speaker A:The problem wasn't the anger.
Speaker A:The problem was what he did with it.
Speaker A:He kept letting it boil over in meetings, which damaged his relationships with colleagues and made him easier to dismiss.
Speaker A:When he learned to use that energy constructively to prepare better arguments, to stay calm under pressure, things changed.
Speaker A:His colleagues started taking him seriously.
Speaker A:His anger, channelled right, became an asset.
Speaker A:But here's the key word channeled in most everyday situations.
Speaker A:An argument with your partner, a frustrating moment with your kids.
Speaker A:Anger doesn't help.
Speaker A:It creates distance, damages trust, and leaves everyone feeling worse.
Speaker A:So the goal isn't to eliminate anger.
Speaker A:It's to learn when to listen to it and when to Let it go.
Speaker A:Fourth question, and this is the one that really how do you know if anger is genuinely a problem for you?
Speaker A:My answer is if your anger is causing problems in your life, it's a problem that might sound obvious, but a lot of people minimize it.
Speaker A:Well, I don't have a problem because I've never been violent.
Speaker A:It's not that bad.
Speaker A:I just lose my temper sometimes.
Speaker A:Here's what I'd ask Is your partner walking on eggshells around you?
Speaker A:Are your kids quieter than they used to be?
Speaker A:Do you regularly say things you regret?
Speaker A:Do arguments at home seem to repeat themselves, never really resolved?
Speaker A:Do you feel a low level irritability most of the time, even when nothing dramatic is happening?
Speaker A:If you recognize yourself in any of that, even just one or two of those things, your anger is having an impact not because you're a bad person, but because it's getting in the way of the relationships that matter most to you.
Speaker A:The man I mentioned at the start of this episode, the one who said he just got frustrated sometimes, he recognized himself in a version of that list.
Speaker A:And that recognition was the beginning of real change.
Speaker A:Next fifth so what do you actually do about it?
Speaker A:The good news is that anger is one of the most treatable issues I work with.
Speaker A:I've seen people make profound changes in their marriages, in how they parent, in how they feel about themselves in a matter of weeks, not years, weeks.
Speaker A:But it does require the right approach.
Speaker A:And the right approach starts with three things.
Speaker A:First, learn to catch your anger earlier.
Speaker A:Your body always signals that anger is building before it takes over.
Speaker A:A tightening in the chest, a clenching in the jaw, a shift in your breathing.
Speaker A:Learning to notice those early warning signs gives you a window to make a different choice.
Speaker A:Second, start looking at the thoughts driving your anger.
Speaker A:Because as we talked about, it's not the situation, it's the interpretation.
Speaker A:When you can examine and question those automatic thoughts, the pattern starts to shift.
Speaker A:And third, especially important in relationships, learn to listen.
Speaker A:Not to respond, not to defend yourself, but to genuinely understand what the other person is going through.
Speaker A:A dad I worked with recently told me his wife said it felt like a completely different marriage.
Speaker A:Once he started truly listening, he hadn't changed his personality.
Speaker A:He'd just stopped trying to win and started trying to understand.
Speaker A:That was enough.
Speaker A:So there you have it.
Speaker A:Five questions about anger and some honest answers.
Speaker A:Anger is an emotion, not.
Speaker A:Not a behavior.
Speaker A:Your thoughts create it, not the situations you're in.
Speaker A:It's not always bad, but in most everyday situations, it doesn't help.
Speaker A:And if it's quietly affecting your closest relationships that's worth taking seriously.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help with any of this, I'd love to talk.
Speaker A:ersecrets.com and book a free:Speaker A:We'll look at what's going on for you specifically and figure out the best way forward.
Speaker A:You can also grab my free training there.
Speaker A:It walks you through my top three secrets to controlling anger in any situation and if this episode was useful, please share it with someone who might need it or leave a rating and review on your favourite podcast app.
Speaker A:It takes a minute and it helps more people find the show.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
