For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Do you ever feel like you’re having the same argument over and over again?
In this practical episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger management expert Alastair Duhs is joined by AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah to explore three essential relationship skills most people are never taught, yet desperately need.
This episode breaks down why conflict keeps repeating even in relationships where both people care, and why struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. Instead it usually means no one ever taught you the right tools.
Drawing on over 30 years of real-world anger management experience, this conversation focuses on what actually helps couples reduce conflict, communicate more effectively and rebuild connection.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in cycles of frustration, defensiveness or emotional distance, this episode gives you clear, practical strategies you can start using immediately.
Key Takeaways:
- Conflict isn’t the problem — how you handle it is what determines whether a relationship grows or erodes.
- Trying to “win” arguments quietly destroys trust, connection and emotional safety over time.
- Active listening means understanding first, not preparing your defence — and it changes everything.
- Asking open, non-judgmental questions lowers defensiveness and invites real connection.
- Healthy relationships require intentional maintenance, not just crisis management.
- Small, consistent habits like quality time and appreciation matter far more than grand gestures.
- Struggling in relationships often reflects a skills gap — not a personal failure.
Links referenced in this episode:
- angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
- angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking the Anger Cycle
- angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever noticed how the same argument keeps happening?
Speaker A:Maybe it's different words, but it's always the same tension and the same ending.
Speaker A:You promise yourself next time will be different, and then a week later, there you are again, frustrated, disconnected, and wondering how something so important keeps going so wrong.
Speaker A:If you're listening today, that already says something powerful about you.
Speaker A:It means you're not just blaming your partner for your problems.
Speaker A:You're looking for ways to solve them yourself.
Speaker A:And that's the first step.
Speaker A:In today's podcast episode, I'm going to walk you through three relationship skills most people are never taught.
Speaker A:Used correctly, these skills will help you break the cycle of disconnection and frustration in your relationship and instead create more understanding, connection, and love.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 64 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my three decades of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share some of the most effective tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants Jake and Sarah, to explore these three essential relationship skills that most people are never taught and to explain how understanding these skills is critical for creating healthy, respectful and long lasting relationships.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode where I'll summarise their conversation and show you how to how to start controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started with today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever been there?
Speaker B:That moment where you feel that familiar spike of frustration, maybe even anger, and it's creeping up way more often than you'd like when you're with your partner.
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker C:And it becomes a cycle, right?
Speaker C:You find yourself saying, okay, that will never happen again, only to have the exact same argument a week later.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker C:It's exhausting.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker B:And what's so wild is that for most of us, our main romantic relationship is supposed to be the cornerstone of our life.
Speaker B:It's where we look for support and, you know, happiness.
Speaker C:Yet so many people struggle to keep it healthy.
Speaker B:It feels completely backward.
Speaker B:We put so much energy into our jobs, our hobbies, but the one thing that defines our home life, we just let it slide.
Speaker C:Well, it feels backward, but it doesn't have to be permanent.
Speaker C:I think if you're feeling that frequent Overwhelming anger in your relationship, that that's just a signal.
Speaker C:It's a sign that the tools you're using aren't working.
Speaker B:And that's exactly the mission for this deep dive.
Speaker B:We're jumping into the most practical, effective tools out there to help you build happier, healthier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker B:All of this comes from well over 30 years of helping people master their emotions.
Speaker C:And we've distilled it down into three really essential tips for today.
Speaker C:But before we get to the tips, we have to understand why this is so hard for so many people in the first place.
Speaker B:Okay, let's get into that.
Speaker B:Why does it feel like such a struggle even when you really do love your partner?
Speaker C:Well, there are really three foundational obstacles we see all the time.
Speaker C:The first one is a lack of positive role models.
Speaker B:What you see is what you do, basically.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:I mean, think about your upbringing.
Speaker C:A lot of people just grew up without a good blueprint for a healthy relationship.
Speaker C:They might have seen their parents use, you know, anger or manipulation to get what they wanted.
Speaker B:So you're trying to use a skill you were never actually taught.
Speaker B:Or worse, you're using skills that are actively harmful.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:Which reframes it.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:It's not some kind of moral failing.
Speaker C:It's just a gap in your education.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes sense.
Speaker B:What's the second obstacle?
Speaker C:The second is the constant barrage of unrealistic expectations.
Speaker B:Ah, the Hollywood effect.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:We're just flooded with these images of the perfect relationship.
Speaker C:The constant romance, the.
Speaker C:The effortless connection.
Speaker C:And then reality hits.
Speaker B:You mean the Tuesday night dinner dishes and arguing about bills?
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And that gap between the fantasy and the reality that creates so much resentment toward your partner for not living up to some impossible ideal.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And the third obstacle?
Speaker C:It's just a simple lack of formal education.
Speaker C:We spend years learning math and science, but how many of us took a class on how to resolve conflict?
Speaker C:The research is out there, but we're not taught it until there's a crisis.
Speaker B:But the good news here, and this is always the core of your message, is that it's never too late to learn.
Speaker B:You can build a happier relationship.
Speaker B:We just have to focus on the how.
Speaker C:It's all about getting and practicing the right tools.
Speaker B:Which brings us right to tip number one.
Speaker B:Let's dive into the practical side of this, starting with the most dangerous part of any relationship.
Speaker B:Conflict.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Tip one is all about managing conflict effectively.
Speaker B:And this is so important because nothing destroys a relationship faster than constant heated conflict.
Speaker B:It just erodes everything.
Speaker B:But the research Is really interesting here, isn't it?
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:The key difference between happy and unhappy couples is not how much conflict they.
Speaker B:Have, but how they handle it.
Speaker B:Conflict is going to happen.
Speaker B:It's the destruction that's optional.
Speaker C:That's the essential insight.
Speaker C:And the single most destructive thing we see is the desire to win.
Speaker B:So the most important piece of advice for tip one is simple.
Speaker B:Stop trying to win arguments.
Speaker C:Okay, that sounds simple, but I know that in the heat of the moment, that urge to be right, to get your point validated, it feels overwhelming.
Speaker C:How do you just switch that off?
Speaker B:You have to understand the real cost.
Speaker B:Think about it.
Speaker B:When one partner wins an argument, the other partner loses.
Speaker B:And critically, in that moment, the relationship loses.
Speaker B:You might get a tiny bit of satisfaction from proving your point, but you've paid for it with trust and connection.
Speaker B:So it's like winning the battle but guaranteeing you lose the war.
Speaker B:But okay, let's play this out.
Speaker B:What if I genuinely feel I'm right?
Speaker B:What if they did something objectively wrong?
Speaker B:How do we just drop that?
Speaker C:That's a great question.
Speaker C:And the goal isn't to pretend it didn't happen or to suppress your feelings.
Speaker C:The goal is to change the process.
Speaker B:The way you talk about it.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Because if you're focused on winning, you're just putting your partner into a fight or flight mode.
Speaker C:Their brain literally shuts down the ability to listen or empathize.
Speaker C:You can't solve a problem when you're treating your partner like the enemy.
Speaker B:So it's not about dropping the topic, it's about dropping the competitive energy.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:The mental shift has to be from me versus you to us versus the problem.
Speaker C:If you feel that urge to attack, just pause, say I need 10 minutes and walk away.
Speaker C:That pause is what stops the death spiral.
Speaker B:And that pause you mentioned, that creates the perfect space for tip number two.
Speaker B:Because once you stop trying to win, you've got this void and you have to fill it with something that actually works.
Speaker C:A perfect connection.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:Tip two is all about effective communication, which is the foundation for everything.
Speaker B:We usually think that struggling couples just don't know how to communicate.
Speaker B:But you're saying it's more nuanced than that.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker C:Often it's not that they don't know how, it's that they're actively choosing not to.
Speaker C:They're prioritizing being right or defending themselves over actually connecting.
Speaker B:And that's where the skill of active listening comes in.
Speaker C:That's the game changer.
Speaker C:And most people think they're listening.
Speaker C:But they're really just hearing.
Speaker C:They're waiting for their turn to talk.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So what is active listening really?
Speaker C:It means truly trying to understand your partner's perspective.
Speaker C:It means validating their feelings, even if you disagree with them.
Speaker C:And it means you have to temporarily set your own agenda aside.
Speaker B:You have to silence that little lawyer in your head who's busy writing a rebuttal while they're talking.
Speaker C:That's the perfect way to put it.
Speaker C:And it takes a huge amount of self control, especially when you feel attacked.
Speaker B:So what's the tool?
Speaker B:How do you override that defensive impulse?
Speaker C:The single most effective tool is learning to ask what we call good questions.
Speaker B:Okay, good questions, let's break this down because this is something anyone can use immediately.
Speaker B:What makes a question good versus, well, bad?
Speaker C:A bad question is usually judgmental or starts with why.
Speaker C:Like why do you always do that?
Speaker C:Or why are you so upset about.
Speaker B:Something so small, which just forces them to get defensive.
Speaker B:It's basically an accusation disguised as a question.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:A good question, on the other hand, is open ended and non judgmental.
Speaker C:Its only purpose is genuine curiosity.
Speaker C:It's an invitation for them to share more.
Speaker C:And it shows you actually care.
Speaker C:It lowers the threat level.
Speaker B:Can you give us a couple of examples of good questions we could try?
Speaker C:Sure.
Speaker C:So instead of saying you're overreacting, you could ask, can you help me understand what about this situation is the most frustrating for you?
Speaker B:Okay, I like that.
Speaker C:Or instead of launching into your defense, you could ask, when I said that, what feeling did that bring up for you?
Speaker C:You're focusing on their reality, not just your own.
Speaker C:You're inviting understanding, not a fight.
Speaker B:That's a massive shift.
Speaker B:You're moving from arguing to investigating.
Speaker B:So the challenge is next time, bite your tongue and instead of defending, ask one of those open ended questions.
Speaker C:That's the challenge.
Speaker C:And if you can master just that one skill, you can transform your communication almost overnight.
Speaker B:Okay, so for tip number three, we're moving from managing the heat of the moment to the long term maintenance of the relationship.
Speaker B:The preventative care.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Tip three is to consciously prioritize your relationship.
Speaker B:Now, I know this can sound a bit cliche, but it's so vital.
Speaker B:Because in today's world, our relationships so often get pushed to the back burner.
Speaker B:They just get the leftovers of our energy.
Speaker C:They do.
Speaker C:And relationship health needs regular deliberate maintenance.
Speaker C:So you have to ask yourself honestly, how much actual focused time, I mean time with no distractions, do you dedicate to just connecting with your partner each week?
Speaker B:Focused Time, that's the key.
Speaker B:So how do we actually do that?
Speaker B:What are the concrete steps?
Speaker C:There are three really simple, actionable things.
Speaker C:First, schedule regular talk time.
Speaker B:And you mean literally put it on the calendar?
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:This isn't for solving big problems.
Speaker C:It's just for checking in, talking about your day.
Speaker C:And the rule is you have to practice active listening and all distractions, especially phones, have to be put away.
Speaker B:That creates a sense of reliability, doesn't it?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:You know you'll have that time to connect.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:The second step is to plan quality time.
Speaker C:This needs to be a regular commitment to doing something enjoyable together.
Speaker B:So, so not just running errands.
Speaker C:Not running errands.
Speaker C:A weekly date night, cooking a meal together, going for a walk.
Speaker C:Something you both actually enjoy.
Speaker C:If you stop making deposits in the shared enjoyment bank, the relationship starts to run on fumes.
Speaker B:Okay, and the third step?
Speaker C:Show regular appreciation.
Speaker C:This is the one that gets overlooked the most.
Speaker C:But it might be the most powerful.
Speaker B:The little things.
Speaker C:The little things.
Speaker C:Just a simple sincere thank you for taking out the trash or for making dinner or something deep like just telling them how much you value them.
Speaker C:These small regular expressions make your partner feel seen.
Speaker B:That's so powerful.
Speaker B:It's the consistency.
Speaker B:That's the magic ingredient, not the grand gestures.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:Showing appreciation three times a day is way more powerful than one expensive dinner once a year.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's do a quick recap of the three tips we've covered for building a stronger, more loving relationship.
Speaker B:Manage conflict effectively.
Speaker B:And that really means stop trying to.
Speaker C:Win the argument and start trying to collaborate.
Speaker B:Number two, communicate effectively.
Speaker B:Focus on active listening and asking those good open ended questions so you can.
Speaker C:Invite understanding, not defensiveness.
Speaker B:And number three, prioritize your relationship actually.
Speaker B:Schedule focused talk time.
Speaker B:Plan quality time together and show that appreciation for the little things.
Speaker C:And taking these steps, it takes effort.
Speaker C:It takes learning new skills, especially, especially the skill of managing your own defensiveness when you feel triggered.
Speaker B:Which brings us back to that first idea about winning and losing.
Speaker B:And it leaves us with a really provocative thought for you to take with you.
Speaker B:If winning an argument means the relationship loses, how much long term happiness are you sacrificing just to feel right in one fleeting moment?
Speaker C:Learning to manage your own anger and choosing connection over being right, that is the key.
Speaker C:It's the key to unlocking the lasting happiness you're looking for.
Speaker C:And these are skills that can be.
Speaker B:Learned if you're ready to take control of your anger and really transform your life and your relationships.
Speaker B:You are not alone.
Speaker B:There is help available?
Speaker C:The simple tools and techniques we talked about today are part of a proven system that has helped thousands of people control their anger and build healthier, happier connections.
Speaker B:If you want to dive deeper and get access to those tools, including a free training on how to break that anger cycle that so many of us get trapped in, just visit angersecrets.com on.
Speaker C:That site you'll find the free training and also information on our comprehensive online coaching program, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker C:It's designed to guide you step by step toward creating calmer, more respectful relationships that are built on understanding, not competition.
Speaker B:Thank you for joining us for this deep dive.
Speaker B:We'll see you next time.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive into the three relationship skills most people are never taught helpful.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, however, let's take a moment to quickly revisit some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:First, Jake and Sarah talked about conflict and in particular the hidden damage that comes from trying to win arguments.
Speaker A:One of the biggest shifts you can make is moving away from a me versus you mindset and toward us versus the problem mindset.
Speaker A:Because when winning becomes the goal in a relationship, someone always loses and over time that loss shows up as relational distance, resentment, or emotional shutdown.
Speaker A:Second, Jake and Sarah explored what real communication actually looks like and why so many conversations break down even when both people care.
Speaker A:Most of us think we're listening, but often we're just waiting for our turn to respond.
Speaker A:Active listening, which means really trying to understand your partner's perspective and asking open, non judgmental questions, lowers defensiveness and opens the door to genuine understanding.
Speaker A:This is especially important if you tend to feel triggered or misunderstood in the moment.
Speaker A:Third, Jake and Sarah talked about the importance of prioritising your relationship before things reach crisis point.
Speaker A:That means scheduling regular talk time, creating moments of shared enjoyment, and showing appreciation for the small things.
Speaker A:These aren't grand gestures, they're consistent habits, and over time they create safety, trust, and emotional closeness that make conflict far easier to manage when it does arise.
Speaker A:And finally, Jake and Sarah shared a theme that ran through the whole conversation.
Speaker A:Struggling in your relationship doesn't mean you're failing.
Speaker A:It often just means you were never taught the right skills.
Speaker A:That's not a personal flaw, it's a skills gap and skills can be learned, and I can help with that.
Speaker A:Now remember too, that real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:Real change happens when you start practicing these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it and see what shifts.
Speaker A:And if you'd like help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angersecrets.com on this site you can access my free training Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment call to talk with me about your situation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete Anger Management System, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.
Speaker A:It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lies.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
