For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever said, “You made me angry” , and felt completely justified in the moment… only to be left with distance, regret and the sense that your anger is running your life?
In this powerful episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs is joined by Jake and Sarah for a deep dive into one of the most important skills in anger management: taking responsibility.
You’ll learn why blaming others for your anger quietly gives away your power, why responsibility can feel so uncomfortable (and even frightening), and how owning your reactions is not weakness, but the single most empowering step you can take to change your relationships.
This episode doesn’t just explain why responsibility matters. It gives you a clear, practical three-step process you can start using immediately to regain control and break long-standing anger patterns.
Key Takeaways:
- Blaming others for your anger feels natural — but it silently hands away your control.
- Taking responsibility doesn’t mean excusing others or beating yourself up; it means owning your response.
- Many people resist responsibility because of fear, family conditioning, entitlement, or shame — not because they’re “bad.”
- Healthy guilt leads to change; shame keeps you stuck.
- Real change happens through a clear three-step process:
- Acknowledge your actions
- Accept the consequences
- Create a concrete plan for future change
- Promises don’t change behaviour — plans and accountability do.
Links referenced in this episode:
- angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
- angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking the Anger Cycle
- angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever said something like, made me so angry, I only reacted because of what you did, or it's your fault, you were asking for it.
Speaker A:In the moment, statements like these may feel completely true.
Speaker A:They even feel justified, like someone else pushed a button and your anger just happened.
Speaker A:But then the argument ends, the room goes quiet, and that familiar feeling sets in.
Speaker A:The tension in your body, the distance between you and the person you care about, and the unsettling feeling that your anger is running the show.
Speaker A:If feeling like this is all too familiar, then today's episode may be exactly the thing you need to hear right now.
Speaker A:Because every time you blame someone else for your anger, you quietly give away your power and you hand control over to the very people and situations we feel trapped by.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to episode 67 of the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Duse, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer happiness, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I combine my three decades of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share some of the most effective tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, more peaceful lives.
Speaker A:Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to explore why taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions is crucial for managing your anger and improving your relationships.
Speaker A:And how by taking responsibility for your thoughts, you gain the power to change them.
Speaker A:Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, where I'll summarise their conversation and show you how to start controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:With that said, let's get started with today's deep dive.
Speaker B:Have you ever been in one of those arguments and you just hear yourself say it?
Speaker B:You made me so mad.
Speaker C:Oh, yeah.
Speaker C:Or the other classic one.
Speaker C:I only lost it because of what you did.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:If you hadn't brought that up, we would have been fine.
Speaker C:It's.
Speaker C:It's such a powerful, almost automatic urge, isn't it, to just point the finger somewhere else.
Speaker B:It feels true in the moment, too.
Speaker B:It really feels like someone else is pushing your buttons and if they would.
Speaker C:Just stop pushing, the anchor would just, poof, disappear.
Speaker B:But here's the thing.
Speaker B:If you're always relying on that, on external things, to explain what's happening inside you, you are unknowingly just giving away all your power.
Speaker C:That is the absolute core of it.
Speaker C:You give away your control.
Speaker C:So in this deep dive, we're going to show you how to take that power back by mastering one absolute, crucial skill.
Speaker C:Taking responsibility for your actions.
Speaker B:And if you're ready to stop feeling like a victim of your own anger and, you know, start being the one in the driver's seat, this is definitely for you.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's unpack this.
Speaker B:Because that shift, you know, from blaming everyone else to internal ownership, that's everything.
Speaker B:It's the foundation for actually managing anger.
Speaker C:It is.
Speaker B:So where do we start?
Speaker B:I guess we need to define what taking responsibility even means.
Speaker B:It sounds so simple.
Speaker C:It sounds simple, but in practice, people fight it tooth and nail.
Speaker C:Yeah, and, you know, the definition is pretty straightforward.
Speaker C:Intellectually, taking responsibility really means two things.
Speaker C:First, you acknowledge that your actions, what you say, what you do are your choice exclusively.
Speaker C:And second, you accept that you are the only one who can control them.
Speaker C:It means taking the word because out of it.
Speaker B:So you stop saying, I yelled because.
Speaker C:You ignored me, and you start saying, I chose to yell, period, full stop.
Speaker B:That feels so vulnerable, though.
Speaker B:I think that's why we deflect so fast.
Speaker B:It's like admitting you're just flawed.
Speaker B:Why is that defense mechanism so strong in all of us?
Speaker C:That's a great question.
Speaker C:And when we really dig into the psychology of it, we find, like, four major roadblocks.
Speaker C:These aren't just bad habits.
Speaker C:They're often really deep coping mechanisms.
Speaker B:Okay, let's pull them apart.
Speaker B:Because if you don't know why you're doing it, you can't stop.
Speaker B:What's the first one?
Speaker C:The first one is a really primal one.
Speaker C:It's fear of consequences.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:We are just hardwired to protect ourselves.
Speaker C:So think about it.
Speaker C:If you grew up in a house where admitting you made a mistake meant you got yelled at, punished, criticized.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You learn fast not to admit anything.
Speaker C:You learn very fast.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:So as an adult, taking responsibility triggers that same old anxiety.
Speaker C:Your nervous system is basically still running an old program that says, ownership equals danger.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:So your body is reacting before your brain even has a chance.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:It's an emotional survival instinct.
Speaker C:Admitting you were wrong feels terrifying.
Speaker B:Okay, that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker B:And I imagine where you learned that your environment plays a huge role.
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:That's the second roadblock.
Speaker C:Family upbringing.
Speaker B:So what you saw is what you do.
Speaker C:Pretty much.
Speaker C:If blame was the normal response to any problem in your family, you just.
Speaker C:You internalize it.
Speaker C:It becomes your script.
Speaker B:So when you feel cornered, you don't look inward.
Speaker B:You immediately go on the attack or change the subject.
Speaker C:That's the learned response.
Speaker C:It's a survival script that you've been running for the decades, and it's incredibly hard to rewrite.
Speaker B:Okay, so we've got fear of consequences and learned family patterns.
Speaker B:But what about the person who feels, like, genuinely justified?
Speaker B:They think, yeah, I yelled, but they deserved it.
Speaker C:And that brings us right to the third roadblock, which is maybe the trickiest one.
Speaker C:It's a belief in entitlement.
Speaker B:Entitlement?
Speaker B:Explain that a bit more.
Speaker C:It's this.
Speaker C:This powerful cognitive distortion.
Speaker C:It's the belief that you have the right to act aggressively because the other person wronged you or didn't meet your expectations.
Speaker B:So the internal story is, I'm justified because they should have known better.
Speaker C:Precisely.
Speaker C:You've rationalized your outbursts as a fair consequence for their action.
Speaker C:But responsibility demands you separate the event from your response.
Speaker C:Always.
Speaker B:That separation is so hard because if I own my response, then I have to sit with all the uncomfortable feelings that come with it.
Speaker B:And I'm guessing that leads to the last roadblock.
Speaker C:It does.
Speaker C:The final one is a really deep one.
Speaker C:The fear of shame.
Speaker C:Ah.
Speaker C:Nobody wants to feel worthless or, you know, like a bad person.
Speaker C:And shame is that toxic feeling that says, I am bad.
Speaker B:So by blaming someone else, you get to dodge that horrible feeling you do.
Speaker C:You avoid the shame.
Speaker C:But here's the critical distinction.
Speaker C:Yeah, you also avoid the chance for healthy guilt.
Speaker B:What's the difference?
Speaker C:Gault is functional.
Speaker C:Guilt says, I did a bad thing and I need to fix it.
Speaker C:Shame is paralyzing.
Speaker C:It says, I am bad, so what's the point?
Speaker B:So avoiding responsibility keeps you stuck.
Speaker C:It keeps you powerless.
Speaker C:Acknowledging your fault is actually an act of power.
Speaker C:It says, I messed up and I am strong enough to fix it.
Speaker B:Wow, that flips the whole script.
Speaker B:Admitting fault isn't weakness.
Speaker B:It's the first step towards strength.
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:And that's the perfect transition from analyzing the why to talking about the how.
Speaker B:Right, because knowing why we do it is one thing, but what are the actual concrete steps someone can take, like today, to start making that change?
Speaker C:Okay, so we teach a three step process.
Speaker C:And these aren't just ideas.
Speaker C:They are active daily commitments.
Speaker B:Let's get into it.
Speaker B:Step one.
Speaker C:Step one is acknowledge your actions.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Sounds basic.
Speaker C:It sounds basic, but it requires radical honesty.
Speaker C:You have to recognize and fully accept that what you did was your choice, regardless of what anyone else said or did.
Speaker B:Can you give an example?
Speaker B:Like, what does that sound like in your own head?
Speaker C:It sounds like this.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:My partner was dismissive, and I felt a surge of anger.
Speaker C:I Chose to call them a name.
Speaker C:Their action was the trigger.
Speaker C:But my reaction was 100% my choice.
Speaker B:And you have to own the pain that choice caused.
Speaker C:You have to.
Speaker C:And this is non negotiable.
Speaker C:Nothing another person does can ever justify an abusive or violent response.
Speaker C:That line has to be absolute, right?
Speaker B:So once I've done that, once I've acknowledged my choice, what's next?
Speaker C:Step 2.
Speaker C:Accept the consequences of your actions.
Speaker B:This is the hard part, isn't it?
Speaker C:This is where most people stumble because they want a quick fix.
Speaker C:They want everything to go back to normal.
Speaker B:Yeah, I'm sorry, can we just move on?
Speaker C:Exactly.
Speaker C:But if you acted abusively, a very real consequence is that your partner or your child might be scared of you for a long time.
Speaker C:That trust is broken.
Speaker B:And that doesn't just heal overnight.
Speaker C:Not at all.
Speaker C:And it's your responsibility to accept their timeline for healing, not dictate it.
Speaker C:You have to accept that repairing the damage might take weeks, months, maybe even years of consistent changed behavior.
Speaker B:So step one is owning the choice.
Speaker B:Step two is owning the aftermath, however long and painful it is, without pressure.
Speaker C:Without making it about you.
Speaker B:Okay, what's the final step to make sure this isn't just a one time thing?
Speaker C:Step three is make a plan to change your actions in the future.
Speaker B:Uh, so a promise isn't a plan?
Speaker C:A promise is just a wish.
Speaker C:It's basically meaningless without a concrete plan, because under stress, you'll just revert to your old habits.
Speaker B:So what does a real plan look like?
Speaker C:It starts with reflection.
Speaker C:What were the early warning signs you ignored?
Speaker C:What was the trigger?
Speaker C:And then, crucially, it involves seeking professional.
Speaker B:Help, like an anger management program or a coach.
Speaker C:Yes, you need to learn new skills to replace the old destructive ones.
Speaker C:You need to learn how to spot those warning signs.
Speaker C:The tight chest, the clenched jaw, and to have a constructive way to deal with that energy.
Speaker B:So you need an actual strategy for when you feel that anger rising before it explodes.
Speaker C:The plan has to have teeth and it needs accountability.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's tie this all together.
Speaker B:We've talked about what responsibility is, the roadblocks and these three steps.
Speaker B:What's the big takeaway?
Speaker C:The big takeaway is blaming others keeps you trapped.
Speaker C:You give away your power, but every.
Speaker B:Single time you take responsibility, you're taking that power back.
Speaker C:You're reclaiming control over your own life and your relationships.
Speaker B:So we need to push past those roadblocks.
Speaker B:The fear of consequences, the old family patterns, that sense of entitlement and the fear of shame.
Speaker C:And then Move forward with that three step action plan.
Speaker B:Acknowledge your choice, accept the consequences, and make a real concrete plan for the future.
Speaker C:Taking responsibility isn't a moment of defeat.
Speaker C:It is the single most empowering and courageous decision you can make for yourself.
Speaker B:It really is.
Speaker B:And for anyone listening who hears themselves in this conversation, who's ready to stop just making promises and actually build that plan, help is available.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:If you're serious about this.
Speaker C:If you want to get a handle on your anger quickly and effectively, there are incredible resources out there.
Speaker B:We highly recommend checking out the work of Alistair Duz.
Speaker B:You can find courses, tools and a clear path forward on his website.
Speaker C:Website is angersecrets.com and let's end with.
Speaker B:This one powerful thought from everything we've looked at today.
Speaker B:You can't control other people.
Speaker B:You never will.
Speaker C:But you have absolute 100% control over yourself.
Speaker C:Change starts and ends with you.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management podcast.
Speaker A:I hope you found this deep dive in into taking responsibility for your anger instead of blaming others thought provoking.
Speaker A:Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to go over some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.
Speaker A:First, Jake and Sarah talked about how easy it is to give away your power without realizing it.
Speaker A:When you say things like you made me angry or I only reacted because of what you did.
Speaker A:This can feel true in the moment, but it puts your emotions in someone else's hands.
Speaker A:As long as you think your anger is caused by the outside world, it will always feel uncontrollable.
Speaker A:Taking responsibility brings that control back to you.
Speaker A:Second, Jake and Sarah explained what responsibility actually means and what it doesn't it doesn't mean beating yourself up or pretending other people didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker A:It simply means owning your response.
Speaker A:You may not control the trigger, but you always control how you act.
Speaker A:That distinction is crucial, especially in close relationships where reactions can cause real harm.
Speaker A:Third, Jake and Sarah looked at why responsibility can feel so hard, including due to fear of consequences, old family patterns, entitlement, and shame.
Speaker A:Many of these are survival strategies, not character flaws.
Speaker A:Understanding this matters because it helps you approach change with compassion rather than self criticism.
Speaker A:And compassion makes change far more sustainable.
Speaker A:And finally, Jake and Sarah talked about turning insight into action through a simple three step acknowledge your choices, accept the consequences, and create a real plan for change.
Speaker A:Not promises, plans.
Speaker A:This is how patterns actually break.
Speaker A:Now remember too, that real change doesn't happen by just listening.
Speaker A:Real change happens when you start practicing these ideas in your everyday life.
Speaker A:So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it and see what shifts.
Speaker A:And if you'd like help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angersecrets.com on this site you can access my free training Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment call to talk with me about your situation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete Anger Management System, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.
Speaker A:It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lies.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker C:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker C:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker C:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
