For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs introduces the STOP model: a simple, four-step tool you can use anywhere, anytime, the moment you feel anger starting to rise. Whether it’s your partner, a driver cutting you off or your kid doing that thing again, the window between feeling angry and acting on it is smaller than most people think. This episode is about how to use that window.
Rather than offering advice that only works when you’re calm, Alastair walks through a practical tool designed specifically for the heat of the moment, and explains exactly why it works on a physiological level, not just a psychological one. These are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.
Key Takeaways:
- The moment between feeling angry and acting on it is where everything happens. Without a deliberate pause, you don’t have a choice, you just react. The STOP model is how you create that pause.
- Slow, deep breathing isn’t just calming advice, it’s physiology. It activates your body’s natural calming system and directly counteracts the stress response that anger triggers.
- Practicing deep breathing in low-stakes moments means the habit is already there when the pressure is really on. Don’t wait until you’re angry to try it for the first time.
- Observing your anger rather than acting on it creates distance between you and the feeling. You’re no longer inside it. You’re watching it. And that shift changes everything.
- The right question before you respond is: what is the most useful way to handle this right now? Reacting with anger is almost never the answer, even when you’re right.
- A physical reminder: a sticky note, a card in your wallet, sounds almost too simple. But a visual cue in the right place at the right time can interrupt the automatic pattern before it starts.
Resources & Next Steps:
If you’d like support controlling your anger and building calmer, more loving relationships:
- Visit AngerSecrets.com
- Book a free 30-minute phone call
- Access the free training on “Breaking The Anger Cycle”
Transcript
You know that moment just before it all goes wrong?
Speaker A:Your partner says something, or a driver cuts you off, or your kid does that thing again.
Speaker A:And you can feel it rising fast.
Speaker A:And part of you knows you should stop, but you don't.
Speaker A:And then it's out.
Speaker A:The words, the tone, the look.
Speaker A:And five seconds later, you're already regretting it.
Speaker A:But what if there was a way to catch it right at that moment, before it spills out?
Speaker A:Today, I'm going to give you a simple four step tool that does exactly that.
Speaker A:It's called the Stop Model.
Speaker A:And once you know it, you can use it anywhere, anytime, in any situation.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:With that said, let's talk about how to use the Stop model to control anger before it takes over.
Speaker A:To begin with, the Stop Model is exactly what it sounds like.
Speaker A:A four step tool you can use in real time in the middle of any situation.
Speaker A:The moment you feel your anger starting to escalate, the four steps S. Stop T Take a breath, observe and proceed mindfully.
Speaker A:Let's go through each one.
Speaker A:Step one is to stop.
Speaker A:This is the simplest step.
Speaker A:It's also honestly, the hardest.
Speaker A:When you feel anger rising.
Speaker A:Stop.
Speaker A:Pause.
Speaker A:Whatever you're doing, halt the words before they come out.
Speaker A:Halt the action before it happens.
Speaker A:Think of it like hitting the pause button on a film.
Speaker A:Just for a moment before the next scene plays out, you create a gap.
Speaker A:And in that gap, you have a choice.
Speaker A:Without that pause, you don't have a choice.
Speaker A:You just react.
Speaker A:And you already know how that tends to go.
Speaker A:This is where most people fall down.
Speaker A:Not because they don't know what to do, but because they move too fast.
Speaker A:The anger fires and they're already responding before their rational brain has even caught up.
Speaker A:So the first job is simply stop.
Speaker A:Step two is to take a breath.
Speaker A:Once you've stopped, breathe.
Speaker A:Not a quick, shallow breath, a slow, deliberate, deep breath.
Speaker A:A few of them if you need to.
Speaker A:Here's why this matters physiologically.
Speaker A:When anger spikes, your sympathetic nervous system fires.
Speaker A:Your heart rate speeds up.
Speaker A:Muscles tense.
Speaker A:Your body goes on high alert.
Speaker A:This is your threat response.
Speaker A:And it's Powerful, but slow, deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, your body's natural calming system.
Speaker A:It quite literally counteracts the stress response.
Speaker A:It slows your thoughts down.
Speaker A:It creates mental clarity.
Speaker A:And here's a tip I give to don't just practice this when you're angry.
Speaker A:Practice it daily in the car before a difficult conversation when you're mildly frustrated by something small.
Speaker A:The more you build the habit in low stakes moments, the more naturally it kicks in when the pressure is really on.
Speaker A:Step three is to observe.
Speaker A:Now that you've paused and breathed, you have a window of clarity.
Speaker A:Use it.
Speaker A:Turn your attention inward.
Speaker A:Notice what's actually happening inside you.
Speaker A:Ask yourself, what thoughts are running through my mind right now?
Speaker A:What triggered this feeling?
Speaker A:What am I feeling in my body?
Speaker A:Tension.
Speaker A:Heat.
Speaker A:Tightness.
Speaker A:And here's the Observe without judgment.
Speaker A:You're not trying to suppress what you're feeling or talk yourself out of it.
Speaker A:You're just noticing, watching your thoughts and feelings, like clouds passing across the sky, present but not consuming you.
Speaker A:This step is powerful because it creates distance between you and the anger.
Speaker A:You're no longer inside it, you're watching it.
Speaker A:And that shift, small as it sounds, changes everything.
Speaker A:It also gives you real insight over time, because when you start observing your anger rather than just acting on it, you begin to see the patterns, what really triggers you, what's underneath it.
Speaker A:And that understanding is where lasting change begins.
Speaker A:Finally, step four is to proceed mindfully.
Speaker A:Now you're ready to respond.
Speaker A:Not react, respond.
Speaker A:Ask yourself one question before you what is the most useful way to handle this right now?
Speaker A:The answer might be to express how you feel calmly.
Speaker A:It might be to say nothing for now and come back to it when the heat has dropped.
Speaker A:It might be to take a short time out and return to the conversation later.
Speaker A:What it's almost never going to be, and I say this because I say it to clients all the time, is reacting with anger.
Speaker A:Reacting with anger is almost never the most useful response.
Speaker A:Even when you're right, even when the other person is wrong, the outcome you actually want to be heard.
Speaker A:To resolve something to preserve the relationship is far more likely when you choose a response that's calm, clear and deliberate.
Speaker A:Now, knowing the model and actually using it in the moment are two different things.
Speaker A:So here are two practical tips to help you make this stick.
Speaker A:Tip One is to create a physical reminder.
Speaker A:Put the word stop somewhere you'll see it when you're most likely to need it.
Speaker A:A sticky note on your laptop.
Speaker A:A card in your wallet.
Speaker A:A note on the dashboard of your car.
Speaker A:This sounds simple, almost too simple, but it works.
Speaker A:A visual cue in the right place at the right time can interrupt the automatic pattern before it even starts.
Speaker A:Next tip two is to practice breathing every day.
Speaker A:Don't wait until you're angry to try deep breathing for the first time.
Speaker A:Build it into your routine now, even two or three minutes a day.
Speaker A:The more familiar the skill, the more available it is when you actually need it.
Speaker A:Okay, let's bring this all together.
Speaker A:The Stop model is four steps you can use in any situation.
Speaker A:The moment anger starts to rise, stop and pause before you react, Take a deep breath to calm your nervous system.
Speaker A:Observe and notice your thoughts and feelings without judgment, and then proceed mindfully and choose your response deliberately.
Speaker A:Start practicing this in low pressure situations, traffic minor frustrations at home.
Speaker A:Build the muscle there so that when a genuinely difficult moment arrives, the habit is already there, waiting for you.
Speaker A:This is exactly the kind of tool that sounds straightforward but used consistently genuinely transforms how you show up in your relationships and in your life.
Speaker A:Okay, if you'd like to go deeper with this, visit angersecrets.com you can enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, or book a free 30 minute call with me directly.
Speaker A:And if this episode was useful, I'd love it if you followed the show on your favorite podcast app and left a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:It just takes two minutes, but it genuinely helps other people find help with anger when they need it most.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening and I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
