Is Anger A Choice?

Have you snapped at a loved one and immediately regretted it?

Or perhaps you have gone from "0" to "100" in an instant and afterwards wondered what happened?

If you are like most people, you may feel that anger is inevitable, out of your control, and something that just happens to you. If this is the case, then you can not do much to control your anger.

But when you lose your temper at your partner, or with your children, or in any other situation, are you choosing to be angry? And is anger something that just happens to you, or is it something that you choose

In this article I will tackle these questions.

By the end of this article, you will clearly understand whether anger is a choice and how to use this knowledge to help control your anger.

Introduction

Anger, like other emotions, is a natural part of the human experience.

However, how you handle anger will significantly impact your relationships, mental health, and overall well-being.

So, is anger a choice?

The answer is both yes and no. Let me explain.

Imagine you are arguing with your partner. Your heart rate is increasing, and your palms start to sweat. You can feel the heat rising in your face. Suddenly, your partner says something that triggers you, and you lash out

In this scenario, did you choose to be angry?

There are two answers to this question.

The first answer is that you can only choose how to respond to your partner if you are aware you are getting angry. If you were unaware you were getting angry in this situation, then technically, you did not choose to be angry.

This leads to the next logical question, which is: "How can I become aware that I am getting angry?".

The answer to this question is simple: We all have what I call "Early Warning Signs" of anger. These are signs that you are becoming tense, frustrated or angry.

The Early Warning Signs Of Anger

Your Early Warning Signs of Anger can be physical, emotional, mental or behavioural.

For example, common physical Early Warning Signs of anger include a racing heart, tightness in your chest, or increased body temperature.

Common emotional Early Warning Signs of anger include feeling hurt, overwhelmed, frustrated or irritable.

Common mental Early Warning Signs of anger include negative thoughts, feeling like you're "losing it," or having trouble focusing.

Common behavioural Early Warning Signs of anger include pacing, avoidance, or speaking louder than usual.

By recognising these Early Warning Signs of anger before your anger gets out of control, you can choose to change how you are acting to prevent your anger from getting out of control. For example, instead of continuing to argue with your partner or trying to prove that you are right, you can choose to take a few deep breaths and calm down.

So, in this sense, yes, anger is a choice – you can choose to act differently once you become aware that you are beginning to feel angry.

But, to make this choice, you must be aware that you are getting angry. That is one of the reasons that I constantly tell the men and women I work with that the key to anger management is awareness.

Without awareness that you are getting angry, you cannot change how you are acting. But with awareness you are getting angry, there are many things you can do to put yourself back in control.

That is the first answer to the question: Is anger a choice?

Anger is a choice if and only if you are aware that you are getting angry.

However, there is a much deeper answer to this question. This answer is that anger is a choice on a much deeper level.

You see, how you react to any situation is determined by how you think about the event happening to you. And in turn, your thoughts are determined by your beliefs about the situation.

Thoughts And Beliefs

I have explained this concept in more depth previous articles, such as The ABC Model of Anger Management.

For now, however, remember that your beliefs about any situation determine how you react to it.

For example, imagine your partner criticising you for something you have done. You will likely feel angry if you believe your partner's criticism is a personal attack on you. However, if you believe your partner is saying what they are because they care about you and want the best for you, you will likely feel more relaxed and calm.

Now, do you choose your beliefs? In my opinion, the answer to this question is "Yes". 

While it is true that many of your beliefs are formed when you are growing up, you are an adult now. You can challenge your beliefs. You can choose to keep your beliefs or create new ones. You can choose to have whatever beliefs you want. If these beliefs lead to anger, that is on you. In other words, you are responsible for the beliefs you have.

Summary

So, there you have it.

At the end of the day, I believe that anger is always a choice. On a surface level, it is a choice as soon as you have the awareness that you are getting angry. However, on a deeper level, it is a choice because we all have a choice as to the beliefs we hold.

Remember: For a free training on how to control your anger, click here.

And finally, remember: You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.