For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares ten rules of anger management that he has refined over more than thirty years of working with clients.
Whether your anger shows up in the big blowups, the sharp comments you didn’t mean to make or the slow build of tension your partner can see before you even realise it yourself, these rules give you a practical framework to work with, starting today.
Rather than focusing on a single trick for calming down in the heat of the moment, Alastair walks through the deeper shifts that actually change things, from recognising your early warning signs to taking responsibility for your actions and knowing when to ask for help.
Key Takeaways:
- Awareness is the foundation everything else rests on. By the time most people realise they are angry, it is already too late to manage it cleanly. Learning your early warning signs gives you a window to act before anger takes hold.
- Other people do not make you angry. You do. Anger is the emotional response you create based on your thoughts and expectations, and that is actually good news. If you create it, you can change it.
- Feeling angry is not the problem. The problem is when anger turns into action, shouting, name-calling, putting someone down. Feelings and actions are separate. That gap between the two is where your power lives.
- Anger almost never leads to a good outcome. It damages trust, shuts down communication and makes the other person defensive. Before you speak in a heated moment, ask yourself: will this actually help?
- You cannot force another person to change. What you can do is change how you show up. When you consistently respond with more calm and intention, the dynamic between you and the people around you often begins to shift too.
- Use the tension scale throughout your day. By the time most people recognise they are angry, they are already at an eight or nine out of ten. The goal is to catch it at a three or four, when you still have real choices.
- If your anger is causing problems in your relationships, please ask for help. The people who reach out are the ones who change the fastest, because they stop trying to figure it out alone.
Resources & Next Steps:
If you would like support applying these ten rules and building calmer, more loving relationships:
- Visit: angersecrets.com
- Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
- Access the free training on “Breaking The Anger Cycle“
Transcript
Most people think anger management is about learning to calm down in the heat of the moment.
Speaker A:And yes, that matters.
Speaker A:But if that's all you're focusing on, you're only solving half the problem.
Speaker A:Because anger doesn't just show up in the big blow ups.
Speaker A:It begins in the small moments.
Speaker A:The sharp comment you didn't need to make, the conversation that turned into a fight you didn't mean to start, or the slow build of tension that your partner can see on your face before you even realize it yourself.
Speaker A:So what actually helps people control their anger isn't one trick.
Speaker A:It's a framework, a set of rules that reshape how you relate to anger entirely.
Speaker A:And I've been using these 10 rules with clients for over 30 years.
Speaker A:They work, and today I'm sharing them with you.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alastair Dues, and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angussecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:But first, let's dive into these 10 rules.
Speaker A:Rule 1 Awareness is everything.
Speaker A:The first rule, and honestly, the foundation that all the others rest on is awareness.
Speaker A:If you're not aware you're getting angry, there is nothing you can do about it.
Speaker A:Nothing.
Speaker A:You can't control what you can't see.
Speaker A:But here's what most people miss.
Speaker A:By the time you're in full blown anger, it's already too late to manage it properly.
Speaker A:That's why I teach people to recognize what I call the early warning signs of anger.
Speaker A:The physical and emotional signals that show up before anger takes hold.
Speaker A:A tightening in your chest, A shift in your breathing.
Speaker A:A sudden irritability that comes out of nowhere.
Speaker A:These are your signals that anger is coming.
Speaker A:Learn them and you give yourself time to act.
Speaker A:Rule 2 you create your anger.
Speaker A:This one tends to stop people in their tracks because their instinct is always to point outward.
Speaker A:They made me angry.
Speaker A:They pushed my buttons.
Speaker A:They know exactly what they're doing.
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:Other people don't create your anger.
Speaker A:You do.
Speaker A:Anger is the emotional response you generate based on your thoughts and your expectations about a situation.
Speaker A:And that's actually good news, because if you create it, you can change it.
Speaker A:One of the most useful things you can do when you feel anger rising is to Pause and question the thought driving it.
Speaker A:Ask yourself, is this thought definitely true?
Speaker A:Or is there another way to see this?
Speaker A:That one question asked honestly can stop an argument before it starts.
Speaker A:Rule 3 Anger is a feeling Abuse and violence are actions.
Speaker A:This distinction matters more than most people realize.
Speaker A:Feeling angry is not the problem.
Speaker A:Anger is a natural human emotion.
Speaker A:It can even be useful when it's telling you that something important is going on.
Speaker A:The problem is when anger turns into negative actions.
Speaker A:Shouting, name calling, putting someone down, or anything that crosses into abuse.
Speaker A:Those are choices, and they can be changed.
Speaker A:For example, I worked with a man recently who genuinely believed that when he shouted at his wife, he had no choice, that his anger just took over.
Speaker A:And I get why it can feel that way.
Speaker A:But feelings and actions are separate.
Speaker A:You can feel furious and still choose how you respond.
Speaker A:And that gap between feeling and action?
Speaker A:That's where your power lives.
Speaker A:Rule 4 Anger does not help.
Speaker A:This sounds obvious.
Speaker A:And yet it's the rule that most people have to be reminded of repeatedly, including many of the people I work with.
Speaker A:No matter the situation, no matter who's involved, responding with anger almost never leads to a good outcome.
Speaker A:It damages trust, it shuts down communication, and it tends to make the other person defensive, which means whatever you are trying to resolve just gets worse.
Speaker A:I see this constantly with couples who argue.
Speaker A:Frequently, the argument escalates.
Speaker A:One or both partners get angry, and then does that anger help them resolve anything?
Speaker A:Of course not.
Speaker A:It just adds more weight to something that's already too heavy.
Speaker A:So remind yourself of this before you speak in a heated Will what I say help?
Speaker A:And most of the time, you already know the answer.
Speaker A:Rule 5 you cannot change other people, but you can change yourself.
Speaker A:You may have heard me say this before.
Speaker A:In fact, I say it at the end of every single episode because it's that important.
Speaker A:I meet so many people who are exhausted from trying to get their partner to change, or their kids or their colleagues.
Speaker A:And I understand this desire, especially when you can see so clearly what they could be doing differently.
Speaker A:But you cannot force another person to change.
Speaker A:It doesn't work.
Speaker A:What does work is changing how you show up when you consistently respond with more calm, more patience, more intentionality.
Speaker A:Over time, the people around you often begin to shift too.
Speaker A:Not because you forced it, but because the dynamic between you changed.
Speaker A:That's real power.
Speaker A:And it starts with you.
Speaker A:Rule 6 Take responsibility for your actions.
Speaker A:When anger has driven your behavior, it's easy to reach for blame.
Speaker A:You may say, I only reacted that way because of what they did, or I wouldn't have said that if they hadn't started it.
Speaker A:And maybe there's even a grain of truth in there.
Speaker A:But real change comes from owning your part.
Speaker A:For example, a client I worked with recently described a moment where he'd lost his temper with his teenage son.
Speaker A:His immediate instinct was to justify it.
Speaker A:The son had been disrespectful.
Speaker A:The situation was frustrating.
Speaker A:It had been a long week.
Speaker A:This was all true.
Speaker A:But none of that changed the impact his reaction had.
Speaker A:And when he finally said to his son, I shouldn't have spoken to you that way, that was on me.
Speaker A:The shift in their relationship was immediate.
Speaker A:Taking responsibility for your actions builds trust.
Speaker A:It opens up real communication, and it's one of the most powerful things you can model for the people around you.
Speaker A:Rule 7 Use the tension scale the tension scale is a tool I use with every single client I work with.
Speaker A:The idea is on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you right now in terms of tension and stress?
Speaker A:Because here's what I've found over 30 years of doing this work.
Speaker A:By the time most people recognize they're angry, they're already at an 8 or 9.
Speaker A:And at that level, it's very hard to make good decisions.
Speaker A:The goal isn't to manage anger at nine.
Speaker A:It's to catch it at three or four when you still have choices.
Speaker A:So get in the habit of checking in with your tension level throughout the day.
Speaker A:And if you want a sample tension scale to work with, contact me through angasecrets.com and I'll send one over.
Speaker A:Rule 8 Seek to understand, not to win.
Speaker A:In almost every couple I see, the same pattern shows up in arguments.
Speaker A:Both people are focused on being right, on winning.
Speaker A:And when winning is the goal, understanding becomes a casualty.
Speaker A:So try this instead.
Speaker A:When your partner says something that frustrates you before you respond, ask a question.
Speaker A:Say, help me understand what you mean by that.
Speaker A:Or simply listen without planning your counter argument.
Speaker A:You don't have to agree with the other person.
Speaker A:But genuinely trying to understand their perspective does something powerful.
Speaker A:It lowers the temperature.
Speaker A:It shifts the conversation from a battle into something that can actually go somewhere.
Speaker A:Rule 9 Practice your listening skills Closely connected to that last point, real communication isn't just about what you say.
Speaker A:It's about whether the other person feels heard.
Speaker A:So when your partner is speaking, give them your full attention.
Speaker A:That means not planning your response while they're still talking.
Speaker A:It means reflecting back what you've heard before you share your own view.
Speaker A:Something as simple as so what I'm hearing.
Speaker A:It shows respect, it prevents misunderstandings, and it changes the whole feel of a conversation.
Speaker A:Now this takes practice, especially when your emotions are running high, but over time it becomes one of the most relationship transforming habits you can build.
Speaker A:And finally, Rule 10 Seek professional help if you need it the final rule, and one I want to say clearly, without any hesitation, is if your anger is causing real problems in your life or your relationships, please ask for help.
Speaker A:Reaching out for support isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you take your relationships seriously enough to do something about it.
Speaker A:And in my experience, the people who seek help are the ones who change the fastest because they stop trying to figure it out alone.
Speaker A:And if you'd like my help, I'd be honored to work with you.
Speaker A:You can visit angersecrets.com to find out more.
Speaker A:So there are your 10 awareness you create your anger feeling versus action.
Speaker A:Anger doesn't help, you can only change yourself.
Speaker A:Take responsibility, use the tension scale, seek to understand, listen fully and ask for help when you need it.
Speaker A:Remember, you don't have to master all 10 at once.
Speaker A:Pick one that resonates right now and start there and if you found this episode useful, I'd really appreciate it if you left a rating and review on your favourite podcast app.
Speaker A:It only takes a minute and it genuinely helps other people struggling with anger to find this podcast and start their own journey.
Speaker A:And head over to angersecrets.com if you'd like to work with me directly, you can book a free 30 minute call with me or start my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
