For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the real reason your anger feels uncontrollable, and why the answer is rarely about the person or situation in front of you.
Whether it is a partner who says the wrong thing, a child who ignores you or a stranger who cuts you off in traffic, Alastair walks through why the same trigger can send you over the edge one day and barely register the next.
Rather than offering generic advice, Alastair shares three practical steps that build on each other and address the root of the problem, not just the surface.
And the good news is these are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.
Key Takeaways:
- Your anger is not caused by what happens to you. It is caused by what you think about what happens to you. Change the thought, and the reaction changes with it.
- Your body knows you are angry before your mind does. Learning to notice your early warning signs, a tight jaw, a racing heart, a shift in your thoughts, gives you a window to make a different choice before things escalate.
- Beneath the surface of most anger is a rigid belief. Beliefs about fairness, respect, and what you deserve. Once you can see the belief clearly, you can begin to question it, and when the belief shifts, the pattern of anger shifts with it.
- Active listening is one of the most powerful tools in any relationship. When someone feels truly heard, defensiveness drops and real conversation becomes possible.
- These are skills, not fixed parts of who you are. With practice, catching anger earlier, examining your beliefs, and communicating calmly will all become more natural.
Resources & Next Steps:
If you are ready to understand what is really driving your anger and start making lasting changes, here is where to go next.
- Book a free 30-minute phone call
- Access the free training on “Breaking The Anger Cycle“
- Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Here's something worth thinking about.
Speaker A:Imagine your partner says something, or your kid ignores you, or someone cuts you off in traffic.
Speaker A:Some days you let it go, you take a breath, you move on, no big deal.
Speaker A:But other days, that exact same thing sends you straight over the edge.
Speaker A:Same person, same behaviour, but a completely different reaction.
Speaker A:So what's really going on?
Speaker A:Because if it was truly about them, you'd react the same way every time.
Speaker A:And you don't.
Speaker A:And that inconsistency, that's the clue.
Speaker A:That's where the real answer is hiding.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alistair Dhuis and for over 30 years I I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:With that said, let's talk about what's really driving your anger and how to finally get it under control.
Speaker A:But first, let's talk about what's really going on when your anger takes over to begin with.
Speaker A:One of the most important things I can tell you about anger is you can't control your anger if you don't know it's happening.
Speaker A:That sounds obvious, but most people don't catch their anger until it's already escalated, until they're already yelling, already slamming doors, already in mid argument.
Speaker A:By then their bodies are flooded with adrenaline and their thinking brain has essentially gone offline.
Speaker A:So the first step to control your anger isn't about learning breathing techniques.
Speaker A:It isn't a communication strategy.
Speaker A:It's simply learning to catch your anger earlier before it hits that point of no return.
Speaker A:I call this noticing your early warning signs of anger.
Speaker A:And these signs are different for everyone.
Speaker A:For some people, it's a tightening in their jaw or their shoulders.
Speaker A:For others, it's a racing heart, a sudden flush of heat, or a shift in their inner voice.
Speaker A:Thoughts getting sharper, darker or more critical.
Speaker A:For example, many people raise their voice before they even realize they're frustrated.
Speaker A:A client I worked with recently, a dad who was a very calm guy in most situations, told me he had no idea he was angry with his children until he was already shouting.
Speaker A:When we worked through this together, he realized his most obvious early warning sign was was a specific tension that started in his chest.
Speaker A:Once he learned to notice that, he had a window to make a different choice.
Speaker A:That's the goal?
Speaker A:Not to eliminate anger, but to catch it early enough that you still have options.
Speaker A:So here's a practical question to sit with.
Speaker A:What does anger feel like in your body?
Speaker A:Before it explodes?
Speaker A:Not during, before.
Speaker A:Start paying attention to that, and you've already taken the most important step.
Speaker A:Okay, now here's something that surprises most people when I tell your anger isn't caused by what happens to you.
Speaker A:It's caused by what you think about what happens to you.
Speaker A:Let me explain what I mean.
Speaker A:As I say, in many podcast episodes, imagine you're driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off.
Speaker A:In that split second, most people think, what an idiot.
Speaker A:How dare they?
Speaker A:And those thoughts create their anger, which leads to honking, maybe chasing, maybe yelling out the window.
Speaker A:Now run.
Speaker A:The same scenario again.
Speaker A:Same car, same driver, same moment.
Speaker A:But this time, your thoughts.
Speaker A:Ah, they probably didn't see me.
Speaker A:Everyone has off days.
Speaker A:Suddenly there's no anger.
Speaker A:You just ease off the accelerator and move on.
Speaker A:Same situation, but a completely different response.
Speaker A:The only thing that changed was the thought.
Speaker A:But here's where it gets deeper.
Speaker A:Your thoughts don't come out of nowhere.
Speaker A:They come from your beliefs.
Speaker A:Beliefs about how people should behave, about what's fair, what's respectful, what you deserve.
Speaker A:And often those beliefs were formed a long time ago, long before they were ever tested in an adult relationship.
Speaker A:This is something I work on with almost every client.
Speaker A:When someone keeps getting triggered by the same situations, a partner who's always late, a kid who won't listen, we dig into the belief underneath, and nine times out of 10, there's a rigid belief driving the reaction.
Speaker A:Something like, people who criticize me are disrespecting me, or if my child ignores me, it means they don't value me.
Speaker A:Once you can see the belief clearly, you can start to question it.
Speaker A:And when the belief shifts, the pattern of anger shifts with it.
Speaker A:This doesn't mean excusing bad behavior or pretending things don't matter.
Speaker A:It means you get to choose how you respond, rather than being driven by an old belief you never consciously decided to hold.
Speaker A:Okay, now, the third piece of anger management is communication.
Speaker A:And I want to frame this a bit differently than you might expect.
Speaker A:When anger is running hot, especially in relationships, communication usually breaks down in a very predictable way.
Speaker A:One person is talking, the other is preparing their counter argument.
Speaker A:Nobody's actually listening.
Speaker A:Defences go up, voices rise, and the original issue gets buried under a pile of accusations and hurt feelings.
Speaker A:The single most powerful communication skill I teach, and I've said this in many episodes, is active listening.
Speaker A:Not just being quiet while the other person talks, but genuinely trying to understand what they mean and reflecting it back.
Speaker A:When someone feels truly heard, something shifts.
Speaker A:The defensiveness drops, the urgency to win fades, and suddenly there's space for a real conversation.
Speaker A:A couple I worked with were stuck in the same argument on repeat.
Speaker A:Different topics, same dynamic, same explosion.
Speaker A:When the husband genuinely started listening, not to respond but to understand, his wife told him it was the first time in years she felt like he actually cared what she thought.
Speaker A:That one shift changed the entire relationship.
Speaker A:And active listening doesn't mean agreeing with everything your partner says.
Speaker A:It means showing them their feelings matter enough to hear fully.
Speaker A:And when people feel heard, they're far more willing to listen in return.
Speaker A:Pair that with assertive, calm expression and saying what you need without blame or attack, then you have the foundation for resolving almost any conflict.
Speaker A:Okay, so there you have it.
Speaker A:Three steps to help you control your anger and they build on each other.
Speaker A:First, learn your early warning signs of anger so you can catch anger before it takes over.
Speaker A:Second, start examining the thoughts and beliefs driving your reactions because that's where the real change happens.
Speaker A:And third, invest in your communication skills, especially listening.
Speaker A:It transforms relationships faster than almost anything else.
Speaker A:These aren't just ideas, they're skills.
Speaker A:And like any skill, they get easier with practice.
Speaker A:If you want to go deeper on all of this, I'd love to help you personally head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or start with my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:Everything you need is right there.
Speaker A:And before I go.
Speaker A:If you're getting value from this podcast, I'd love it if you left a rating and review on your favorite podcast app.
Speaker A:Every review helps someone else struggling with anger to find the show and hopefully begin their anger management journey.
Speaker A:It takes about a minute and helps me a lot.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
