For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs walks through three powerful mindset shifts to help break the cycle of repeating anger. Whether it is the same argument with your partner, the same trigger at work or the same driver cutting you off, he explains why the pattern keeps happening and what you can do to finally change it.
Rather than offering generic advice, Alastair gets to the root of why anger keeps repeating. These are real, practical shifts. And the good news is they are skills anyone can learn.
Key Takeaways:
- Repeating anger patterns do not mean something is wrong with you. There is a specific reason the same things keep triggering you, and once you understand it, everything changes.
- Practicing acceptance is not about being passive. It means letting go of the idea that anger will change what you cannot control. When you stop fighting that battle, your anger has nowhere to go.
- Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in relationships. When you pause and ask what might be going on for the other person, the defensiveness drops and there is suddenly room for a real conversation.
- Anger makes things feel urgent and catastrophic. Most of the time they are not. Asking yourself whether this will matter in a year gives you a fast way to check if the anger is worth it.
- Maintaining perspective also means remembering that everyone makes mistakes, including you. That awareness makes you more forgiving and less likely to repeat the same argument.
- These are skills, not personality traits. With practice, they can fundamentally change how you respond to the things that used to set you off.
Resources & Next Steps:
If you would like help breaking the cycle of anger and building calmer, more loving relationships:
- Visit: angersecrets.com
- Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
- Access the free training on “Breaking The Anger Cycle“
Transcript
You've had this argument before.
Speaker A:Maybe it's with your partner, the same topic, the same words, the same outcome.
Speaker A:Or maybe it's the same situation at work, the same thing your kids do, or the same type of driver cutting you off on the way home.
Speaker A:And every time it happens, you.
Speaker A:Why am I here again?
Speaker A:I already dealt with this.
Speaker A:Why is it still getting to me?
Speaker A:Whatever situation you are in, this pattern is exhausting and it can make you feel like something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Speaker A:Like no matter how hard you try, you just can't break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:You're not broken and you're not failing.
Speaker A:There's a very specific reason why the same things keep triggering your anger.
Speaker A:And once you understand it, everything changes.
Speaker A:So today I'm going to walk you through three powerful mindset shifts that will help you finally stop repeating the same anger patterns and help you find more peace and calmness in the process.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alistair Dues and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger and master their emotions and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:But first, let's talk about why the same things keep making you angry and what you can do about it.
Speaker A:The three mindset shifts I want to share today are one, practicing acceptance.
Speaker A:Two, practicing empathy, and number three, maintaining a sense of perspective.
Speaker A:Now, I know some of these concepts might sound a little abstract, but stick with me, because when you actually apply them, the results are anything but abstract.
Speaker A:They are real shifts I see change people's lives.
Speaker A:Let's start with the first shift.
Speaker A:Practising acceptance.
Speaker A:Now, practicing acceptance is not about being passive.
Speaker A:It's not about rolling over and letting people walk all over you.
Speaker A:Acceptance means something much more specific than that.
Speaker A:It means recognizing that not everything in the world is is going to go the way you want it to.
Speaker A:People are going to behave differently than you'd like.
Speaker A:Situations are going to go sideways, traffic is going to be terrible, and no amount of anger is going to change any of that.
Speaker A:Here's a simple you're stuck in traffic, running late for something important.
Speaker A:You can feel your frustration rising.
Speaker A:You grip the steering wheel a little tighter, your jaw tightens, maybe you start muttering under your breath.
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:The Traffic is not going to move faster because you're angry.
Speaker A:The only thing your anger is doing in that moment is making you miserable.
Speaker A:Practicing acceptance says, I can't control this.
Speaker A:I can only control how I respond to it.
Speaker A:And the same principle applies at home.
Speaker A:A client I worked with, a father of three, used to get triggered every evening when his kids didn't do what he asked the first time.
Speaker A:Every evening, same trigger, same explosion.
Speaker A:But when we worked on acceptance, something shifted.
Speaker A:He started to recognise that.
Speaker A:That his children are individuals with their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own way of doing things.
Speaker A:They weren't trying to disrespect him, they were just being kids.
Speaker A:Once he accepted that, really accepted it, his anger trigger lost most of its power.
Speaker A:That's what acceptance does.
Speaker A:It doesn't mean you stop caring or stop setting boundaries.
Speaker A:It means you stop fighting a battle you were never going to win.
Speaker A:And when you do that, your anger has nowhere to go.
Speaker A:Now, the second mindset shift is practicing empathy, and this one is a game changer.
Speaker A:In relationships, practicing empathy means putting yourself in someone else's shoes, genuinely trying to understand what's going on for them.
Speaker A:Their thoughts, their feelings, the pressure they might be under.
Speaker A:For example, think about the driver who cuts you off.
Speaker A:Your easy automatic reaction is anger.
Speaker A:You think, who does this person think they are?
Speaker A:But what if they just got a phone call that a family member is in hospital?
Speaker A:What if they're having the worst day of their life?
Speaker A:You don't know.
Speaker A:But the moment you allow for that possibility, the anger softens.
Speaker A:Now zoom that out into your relationships.
Speaker A:When your partner snaps at you or says something hurtful, your first instinct may be to react, to defend yourself or go on the attack.
Speaker A:But what if you paused for just a moment and asked what might be going on for them right now?
Speaker A:Underneath the anger or the sharp words, is there hurt?
Speaker A:Is there fear?
Speaker A:Is there something they need that they don't know how to ask for?
Speaker A:I see this all the time in my work.
Speaker A:Two people stuck in the same argument, on repeat, different topics, same dynamic.
Speaker A:But when one of them starts to genuinely try to understand the other, something breaks open.
Speaker A:The defensiveness drops.
Speaker A:There's suddenly room for a real conversation.
Speaker A:Now, practicing empathy doesn't mean excusing bad behavior.
Speaker A:It doesn't mean you accept being treated poorly.
Speaker A:It means you approach the situation with an open mind rather than a closed fist.
Speaker A:And when you do that, you respond rather than react.
Speaker A:And that one difference changes everything.
Speaker A:The third mindset shift is maintaining a sense of perspective.
Speaker A:This is about Zooming out, because anger has a way of making things seem much bigger and much more permanent than they actually are.
Speaker A:In the heat of the moment, everything feels urgent, critical, catastrophic.
Speaker A:But most of the time, it isn't.
Speaker A:So here's a question I often give clients when they're stuck in a heated moment.
Speaker A:Will this matter in a year?
Speaker A:Will it matter in a month?
Speaker A:Sometimes even.
Speaker A:Will it even matter next week?
Speaker A:Now, some things will.
Speaker A:Some things genuinely need to be addressed.
Speaker A:But a lot of what triggers your anger day to day, when you hold it up against the bigger picture of your life, your relationships, your health, what you actually want, it simply doesn't hold up.
Speaker A:It's small, and the anger it's creating is costing you far more than the issue is worth.
Speaker A:Maintaining a sense of perspective also means remembering that everyone makes mistakes, including you.
Speaker A:Including me.
Speaker A:We all have moments where we fall short of who we want to be.
Speaker A:And when you can hold that truth gently for yourself and for the people around you, you become more forgiving, less likely to hold on to resentment, less likely to end up in the same argument for the hundredth time.
Speaker A:For example, a woman I worked with was constantly clashing with her teenage daughter.
Speaker A:Same argument, different day, and she came to me exhausted by it.
Speaker A:When we started working on perspective, she began asking herself that question, will this matter in a year?
Speaker A:She realized that most of what was sparking the conflict was small stuff.
Speaker A:Stuff that in the long run had nothing to do with the relationship she actually wanted with her daughter.
Speaker A:That shift in perspective didn't fix everything overnight, but it changed how she showed up.
Speaker A:And slowly the dynamic between them began to change too.
Speaker A:So there you have it.
Speaker A:Three mindset shifts that can genuinely break the cycle of anger.
Speaker A:Practice Acceptance.
Speaker A:Let go of the need for things to be a certain way and focus on what you can actually control.
Speaker A:Practice.
Speaker A:Empathy.
Speaker A:Try to understand what's really going on for the other person.
Speaker A:Before you react and maintain perspective, ask yourself whether this situation is really as big as it feels in the moment.
Speaker A:Now, these aren't quick fixes.
Speaker A:They're skills.
Speaker A:And like any skill, they take practice.
Speaker A:But with time and effort, they can fundamentally change how you respond to the things that used to set you off.
Speaker A:And if you'd like my personal help to do this, head over to angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:And if this episode was useful, please take a moment to leave a rating and review on your favorite podcast app.
Speaker A:It helps others who are struggling, find the show.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type of, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
